fool me once shame on you. fool me twice, shame on you again.

[brokenhearted2015]

I need hand holding but more so I need to ask advice as to why would you hurt someone you love. If they give you everything you want, you feel like the luckiest man to have a wonderful caring and attractive woman, who gets you and you can finally be yourself (his words). Then why would you do stupid things to risk this. Knowing it would hurt her if she found out.

I did find out. Once before and I left and he begged for forgiveness, it wasn’t a feeling of being trapped or unloved or unhappy, he didn’t know why he did it. He set up a profile on a dating website and chatted to girls. How did I find out. Well call me cynical but when a man gets quieter I get wary. Past relationships have told me to watch for signs. I search 3 popular dating sites. There he was. He cried he begged and I took him back. Two years later we are engaged and I am so happy. We’re going to set up house together. I never pushed and made him feel he had to. So he could never accuse me of that. I was happy, we were happy. We decided to have a night away and get awayfrom work and mundane.He organised it and was wonderful. I couldn’t have been happier knowing this was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. Any ups and downs we talked , totally honest and we felt lucky. For some reason when we got up the next day and he was in the shower I found myself standing beside his phone. I honestly don’t know why I checked it I never have and certainly didn’t have cause. I found a text from a woman who I never heard of and she had sent him a picture hoping he liked it. I was gutted. He came out of the shower and I told him what I had done. I showed him the text/pic. I asked him calmly to explain. He told me he didn’t know who she was why she sent, he hadn’t replied, if he were up to anything would he have left it on phone etc. he was angry. The more angry he got the more dread came over me. I didn’t want a huge argument. What was the point. We ate breakfast, polite conversation. He drove me home, we discussed normal things. All while the elephant was in the room. He presumably thinking he was in the clear and things were fine.
As I got out of the car I looked at him and said, please tell me the truth. That’s what is the one thing in a relationship that keeps it together. No matter how bad just tell me.
He replied, I told you the truth, I don’t know who she is. I don’t know how she got my number.
I kissed him on the cheek, told him I loved him, but would never see him again. He laughed and said don’t be ridiculous.
I closed the car door and didn’t look back. I turned off my phone and it has been three days. I have been staying with my sister, I haven’t told anyone else as I’m ashamed to. I have seen the texts he has sent to my phone and I haven’t replied. I turn it on at the end of the evening , read them and turn off phone.He is using every piece of sweet talk. The only text I wanted was honesty and apology. But he can’t even do that. He doesn’t know where I am and that’s how I want it rightnow. I haven’t cried because I’m shocked. But I’m more upset at the fact that I loved him with all my heart and now I feel like a fool. I never saw this. I was truly happy.
Why? If it were me I’d own up by now. I wouldn’t beg , I’d just be honest and fix it.
Why do this to someone you claim you love and want to be with. It has shattered my faith/confidence and trust. I can’t even look at myself without thinking I wasn’t good enough.
I love him and want him and the life we both wanted, but I’ve read enough stories here to be strongright now and do n/c. I hate ignoring him. It feels awful. But I can’t accept that he’s telling the truth. It would make me look like a doormat and a right fool if I said ok I love you too, it’s ok.
He has taken away the dream I had. For that I hate him right now. But I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready to wipe out our 4 and half years together yet as a waste.
If you’re still readying I’m sorry it’s so long, my head is jumbled up and I’m trying to be strong.

I don't know. I think he probably thinks I am trying to ruin his life and I'm being really unfair in withdrawing my support at a difficult time (he works in politics). I'm trying not to care too much about what he thinks and focus on what I'm doing to provide for my emotional needs.

He feels entitled to whatever he can get from me and tells me me providing for my emotional needs is me being needy and ruining his life. He will rock up here whenever he wants support with petty political squabbles, be nowhere to be found when it is my 30th or I have a hospital appointment for example. I asserted the break when he didn't bother turning up for our anniversary because his voluntary work (with a girl he spent a year having feelings for while he was with me and not allowing me to break up with him and lying to me about her and slagging me off to her) was more important but wanted me to drop my voluntary work (relevant to career and review for training to next stage up that day) to see him at his convenience. The space is making me hate him tbh.

Hugs to you both OP and Offred you deserve better.
I watched my fabulous daughter go through this last summer after years with her first serious boyfriend. Days before her 21st she found texts from OW on his phone. Turns out he had cheated on her all through Uni while reassuring her he could cope with their LDR. To her credit she went NC immediately and cried her heart out all summer. She threw herself into some awesome travelling. By the autumn she was ready to face the world again. He was such a nice lad and devoted to her but he had a fatal streak of weakness and selfishness that would not have made him a good partner for life. I am proud she had the strength to end things and not accept poor treatment.
She made the right decision and so have you both. You are better off alone than badly accompanied!

Can I just add a random perspective? I've had a couple of What's App messages from 'random' women which are adverts for sex sites - the paid for video ones.

OH had one. I asked about it and he told me about how they randomly text and you can say all sorts of random stuff to them and they respond according to the script. Like computer generated.

I shrugged it off. THEN I had one!! It's so random. It started with "hey babe, how are you?". The next was a picture.

Just a thought considering your trust issues.

Good luck x

Really ? I've never had a spam text from random women and ive used a mobile every day for 15 years . ISnt that a coincidence - you catch your partner with a message on his phone and next thing they have your number and are messaging you too !

OPs husband set up a profile on a dating website and was chatting to women. I don't think that happened accidentally .

I wouldnt trust an untrustworthy person who has already lied to me and has a history of cheating . Personally I think that makes me smart , not a person with " trust issues " .

So sorry to hear yet another story of deception by men. They do it because they can. I was with someone who, as soon as he moved away from his ex into a new house - he was signing up and paying to join dating sites.

Some men like the adoration of women, and if they can have a sly shag through it they will.

Keep On Keeping On x

I have to agree that I have had random messages from 'girls' on both my work phone and personal mobile. Both phones are password protected and both are always with me. They also begin 'hey babe' or 'hiya sexy' I am a heterosexual middle aged married woman who has never been on either a dating or sexting website. The work one was even more bizarre as I'm a civil servant and I thought we had firewalls for that sort of thing. I am just saying, OP - you mentioned that the first thing he said was he hadn't replied.. Just saying its a possibility. One of the messages sent a topless photo of random woman - which I opened received whilst having my hair cut ?? imagine the hairdressers surprise ...

I have seen those type of messages myself. but they are designed to grab your attention. hence the hey babe, sexy etc.
this wasn't one of them. it was a private email address as far as i could establish.
I would love to give the benefit of the doubt, i really would as this is so painful for me to leave with this taste in my mouth. but he hasn't accepted the failing nor has he admitted the truth nor has he apologised for hurting me in any convincing way.
if it tables were turned i'd be bending over backwards to gain trust back and wanting to clear my name or at least apologise for hurt i had caused.
no if you're guilty you throw alot of i love yous or talk about anything else but that, they're just words..tip toeing around the fact that he fked up.
today i'm annoyed. v annoyed and it is constantly in my head. I'm furious he made a fool of me when he knew trust was a big thing in any relationship especially in ours.

offred, i hope this doesn't sound bad but in things you say he doesnt value or step up in your relationship, i totally get it. mine has similar qualities. is it just pure selfishness/selfcentred ? i think so. I can't live like that. i want to be equal not chastise him for when he does wrong cos he should know better. I think we both need to realise we deserve better.. hard to let go but each day i'm finding it a little easier. i think.
only 1 person in r/l knows as yet i'm kinda suffering, to the outside world i haven't let on and haven't told anyone. i suppose i'm embarrassed i let someone do this to me.

Please don't be embarrassed , you trusted the man you love , that's nothing to be ashamed of . He is the one who has been a fool, not you .

And if you are stupid , you are in good company . Almost everyone on this thead has been in similar circumstances I guess, some of them even married and / or with kids . And lots of poster have said how impressed they are by how strong you are being and how clearly and decisively you have acted .

It is total self absorbtion. I too want to be an equal not a mother. I already have four of my own children. I'm not sure I want to risk giving another chance. Right now I've just decided not to decide and to try not thinking about it or him and focus on the things I need to do for the move. Hopefully that will set me up better to be able to deal with him if I have to at some point but there's no chance of that till after 7th May anyway!

I have no friends to talk to tbh. I've been very low and he has taken up all my free time for the last 2 years so friendships have fallen by the wayside. I've exhausted my family too who are not really that brilliant anyway. I think you should just do what you feel, don't feel you should tell people. Take it at your own pace. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

What you say about no apology hits a nerve too. All I want is a "sorry" when he fucks up but have never really had one that hasn't been accompanied by "but it's all your fault because you are xyz"

Oh and then "cuddle me, I feel upset"

It's not just a question of "sorry", but also why do they "fuck up" repeatedly?

It's not that they don't know what they should do next time is it, it's that they choose again, not to do it!

And don't forget, you can end a relationship for any reason or no reason.

Just that it's no longer working for you.

Afterall, it hurts at the time, but who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them?

It's not quite that simple I think diddl. I've ended things more times than I can count always for exceptionally good reasons. His insecurity drives him to do desperate things to prevent me going including letting himself into my house, wearing me down emotionally and breaking no contact. This move will help me feel much stronger.

In other words I know he chooses to keep doing it and at this stage I need to take steps to protect myself from me as well as him.

What I meant though was a sorry is meaningless if it's just said to placate & keep a person from leaving.

Obviously a lot harder when you are enmeshed in the drama, but really, he can't prevent you going if you are determined enough.

Hope it all works out for you.

What's a lot harder is trying to protect my children from the drama. Since he didn't actually pose a physical threat to me I was not going to call the police etc when he let himself in. I don't need to patronised. I know exactly what I need to do, how to do it and I am doing it. I am aware anyone can say the words 'I'm sorry' and not mean them. The point was that we both already know they are empty words. I can't help feeling the 'well you can/should/must leave' is a bit victim blamey to ppl struggling to negotiate the end of an abusive relationship. Let's not forget that leaving is the most difficult time for women and actually it has to be managed carefully.

And I'm short tempered about that kind of thing having just had the 'don't let him in/break up with him/don't look at texts/block him' stuff from my mum. Fact is, until I leave this house I cannot protect myself and the kids from him because he has keys so I am keeping my head down until I move.

If you were to cave in and let him back into your life you would never be able to trust him. If you had kids he would feel even more needy of other women as your attention would be diluted.

It hurts because you thought you knew him and loved him and that he loved you. It will hurt far more if you have children with him and he does the same then.

Quit while you are ahead. The problem lies with him, not you. A man that goes to the effort of setting up a profile on a dating site has spent time invested in chasing other women. That's serious intent to cheat! I think you know in your heart that it is over. It is just so hard to get used to stopping loving someone. Better to have no-one than to have someone who is prepared to cause you pain. Here is a fierce creature to keep you strong.

I didn't mean to patronise, sorry.

I know it's hard having been there myself.

Even if he was truthful it wouldn't change anything. He'd still do it again. The reason he'd do it again is because of who he is, it is nothing To do with you. The pain will fade. The feelings for him will fade. Whatever you do, don't let him back in. Ever. Because this cycle will just repeat itself and you'll be forever Trapped with a man who treats you like shit. There are good men out There who will love you and be faithful. Give yourself a chance to find one.

;)

Broken I think it would be worth staying non contact until he admits the truth. If he is sorry he will admit to it but only if you stay strong. If he sees it's the only chance to get you back. You'll feel better leaving if you are 100% sure he was being a dick.
If he doesn't really love you he won't care about the truth anyway and give up trying to win you round ( again stay non contact).
If it was just a random text he'll still be trying to get you back six months from now despite having no contact.
You are going the only thing you can really. Feel for you. However four years isn't that long in relationship terms. If anything find three to four years is the make or break time - you know if you want to be together and have had enough time for the familiarity to kick in. Perfect time to move on from a wrong un.

i'm reading them all. i can totally get it. sure i'm the best at giving advice myself and would want to shake someone to wake up and smell the coffee. offred i hear you too and understand that emotionally he must take up alot of your time, with 4 kids he should be assisting to make your life easier and happier.
see i'm rational! but it's so hard when you're in it and you really do love someone. i have thought back to other lengthy relationships. my childs father, it wasn't love, i see that. this is far deeper that any others. for him too. that's why it's so hard to comprehend the sheer stupidity.
still n/c but finding it v hard. he's getting frustrated and angry and wants to discuss it rationally. i refuse to respond. yet. i haven't gone through enough thinking, i know i'll relent if i haven't a clear head and know how to even get the last word. i know that's childish, but even if it were the last word i would want it to be a clear and concise sentence.

he has admitted in his texts the previous mess up was totally out of character and he felt i was possibly looking around by how casual i had become. i can see where he's coming from there. i had alot on my plate. so we did come a long way and much deeper understanding of how we wanted this relationship to be. both suffered from betrayal. he has given explanations in his texts too. but they still to me don't sound right. sometimes i think a part of me wants him to fk up. that way i'll go see. i knew it. that's an issue i know i have to work on. past didn't help. but with him he must know that i love him. i tell him and show him in many ways.
oh the head is truly exhausted tonite.
i need a good tennis racket whack on the ass to pull it together and either respond or tell him to just stop.

Seriously his attempted excuse is he thought you were 'possibly' looking around so he decided he would too.

What a fat load of blame shifting bollocks.

He is insulting your intelligence thinking you will accept that.

It wasn't out of character and it isn't the only time as you know.

Don't respond.