Feel like OW has stolen my life

[Xan1]

So about 18 months ago I discovered my husband's affair. Divorce underway.
He's still with OW so they've been together for about 2 years.
Anyway, on the surface I've moved on. Have kick started my social life, doing a reasonable job of being a single parent and have a newish boyfriend.
However, H has recently introduced OW to the kids (primary age) and now they spend their contact weekends with her or round at the 'new' grandparents ( OW's family live locally, unlike mine). They've booked a 'family' holiday all together for the summer.
I know rationally it's good that my kids get on with her, and that she's nice to them.
But inside I actually fucking hate her (and H). It feels like she's stolen my husband and my kids and my family life and has gotten off entirely scot-free.
I know I ought to take the high road and pretend not to care but it's like another knife in the back every time I hear about their fun weekend with OW. :(

Hi op sympathies. I am in a similar situation and its so hard I know. Mine was complicated as a month after leaving 20 yr relationship ex got ow pregnant. So kids have had to meet the woman and child etc at a v young age. I also seethe at them having jolly family days with my children while I am alone. I have no family friends or partner so it hurts more. Ex inlaws who I was close to dont talk to me and nc with parents. Its hard can only empathise as I struggle to deal too but u arent alone

I don't have much advice as I have just found out my H is having an affair and he's left me for the other woman, what you've described is my worst nightmare.

I just wanted you to know you sound amazingly strong and I am in awe how well you seem to be handling it

Sending to you OP. I also feel very much like the OW has stolen my life (although no DC so it is easier).

Well done for moving on with your life, you sound like youre doing really well even if you dont feel it.

Yummy, I expect at some point H will have a baby with OW (like so many cheating husbands) and that will be yet another bite of the shit sandwich for me. Affairs seem to be the gift that keeps on giving...

I am so sorry . It must be very painful and I really do hope it eases with time.

I am a 52 year old with a "step" mum, who I got to know when I was about 11. I came to be quite fond of her in a way, but never ever preferred her over my own mother. I fully understand why my ddad left, and his second wife was a much better match for him than my mum, but to me she was like a completely separate relationship. Her existence did not alter my relationship with my mum one jot. I hope I am making sense somehow!

Agree with everyone else. It really is crap.

I would also add that I think it's perfectly ok to wallow in it a bit. Yes there is lots of good advice about moving forward "the best revenge is you being happy" etc etc.

But I do think that knowing other people have been through it, you are very justified in being angry, sad and bitter and that this might go on for a good long while - is fine.

You will feel better about it, if you want to, eventually. I think it takes longer than people expect.

Another thing that really bugs me is that H basically ignored our kids during the months he was having the affair - he hardly ever saw them because he too busy shagging OW (at the time I thought he was working late for the benefit of the family) and now they can play happy families and I'm sure everyone thinks they're a lovely blended family.
My new life's pretty good now actually, but inside I'm really struggling with this. H and OW seem to have no shame and it all seems so bloody unfair.

I'm in the same situation OP and it does hurt. Mine play cluedo with the OW at my STBXHs parents house. It is very hard and I assume doesn't get any easier. The ow in my situation is 22 years younger than me so I'm sure there will be babies.
In the end you just have to be there for your children. I've talked to mine about boundaries and that if she asks them to do something and they are not happy to talk to me or their daddy. It is all I can do is to make sure that they are safe.

It is totally shit. You just have to keep reminding yourself that it could be much worse - imagine if she didn't like them? You will always be their Mum and that won't change

Yeah, she stole your life.
Just remember that one of the bits she stole was a lying cheating arsehole. So good luck to her.

My XH has a girlfriend now. Not the OW, the OW was many many prostitutes. Who he sees behind her back now, instead of mine. Poor cow.

They're all off (XH, gf, her daughter, mine) to Disney Florida this year. Yep - Disney dad!
I am raging inside because he stole that from me. Family holidays. Partly because he wrecked our marriage. Partly because I couldn't have a second child with him because of my suspicions - I hated him, and couldn't risk a disease. Arsehole.
It's hurts all the more because the thing he's getting (family time) is what I most wanted, and what he directly stole from me.

So I hear you, love. x

I have the same timeframe as you. Glad your stbxh waited so long for the introductions. Mine wanted to do it at week 4. And harped on and on about it until I allowed it at month 11. My DC were 3 and 6.

His OW is a total nightmare. She swears every other word. She has never had a job. She has been married three times. She is already a Grandmother by 45.
She smokes in the house with my children there. They're always in the pub, Ex never takes the children to the playpark or out anywhere.
She is a proper bona fida Gypsy. She is stupidly fashion conscious and my DD has to wear a fur gilet. My DS gets blisters from the stupid shoes he has to wear at Daddy's. (his words).

My DS 4 now knows all the swear words under the sun. Has used them at school and got into trouble. My DD 7 is piggy in the middle and covers up for her dad not brushing her hair for example. So I have to always be careful not to put her in the middle. I have to continue to role model to my children without slagging the nasty, skank of a woman off because my children have to spend time with her.

So whilst I totally understand exactly where you are....
I wish my stbxh had left me for a nice, normal, professional, ethical, moral and inspirational person. Someone as educated and professional as both he and I are.

Please try to let go of the resentment (oh I have bags of it too). Aim for a pleasant and polite feeling about her.

Your kids love you the most.

I am in a similar position and whilst I know it is kindly meant the often said line of you will always be their mum doesn't actually help. Well not me anyway. Of course i will always be their mum. But they also have a whole life, experiences, new 'family', relationships which I am excluded from. I didn't have children to not be part of a substantial part of their life. So my ex could fuck off and play happy families second time around that he wasn't able to do so the first. So actually it does hurt and I remain angry. It is an anger I will not get over easily. I do no give a shiny shit about my ex. I do care about the woman who has replace me in his life and by extension my childrens and it is not positive. The fact that she treats them well doesn't alter the fact that she was willing to shag their dad and break-up their family to suit her own needs.

I am sorry OP that rant probably hasn't helped but I do understand where you are coming from and actually there is nothing wrong with being angry. Having your life stolen is exactly how I feel.

She slept with and is living with a deceiving bastard. One word - karma.
Make your own life good, he will come crawling back yet. You will have a great life because good things come to good people.

am so glad, well not glad obviously but more like relieved its not just me that has these feelings of rage anger and jealousy that these men just f off and play happy families with our children and we are supposed to smile sweetly and send the most precious things in our lives off with the people who have destroyed our lives. aaargh. maybe we could form some kind of support thread like the ea support and divorce support one just for exes of shitheads who f off with the ow.

totally agree with poster above like fuck can you fucking Move the fuck On when all other men on the planet are total fuckheads too. aaaargh

Bitter - the default description of a someone who has been cheated on and fucked over. Yeah, no shit. It is a think pretty healthy and normal response to being treat badly.

mrsmeerkat - I have no desire for my ex to coming crawling back; I would need to resist the urge to boot him on the way past. And in my case I am pretty sure my ex and his OW will go the distance. Best of luck to them. Just stop using my children as accessories.

I totally agree with the stealing your life - it is just awful. Take heart though, mine were mid teens when ex buggered off. They never have met the OW and seeing as their father doesn't bother with them they haven't seen him for over 2 years. In behaving the way he has he has lost his children, and the fault lies solely with him. When he first buggered off I begged him to still see them, encouraged a relationship as much as I could, but ultimately he couldn't be bothered (plus the OW stuck her oar in at every opportunity to stop him) and the DC gave up hoping for him to step up to the plate. Bloody heartbreaking for them, but they are ok now and flourishing. However it pans out it is a long and hard road. All you can do is love and support them and keep buggering on I think.

I understand your hurt as no one has children to hand them over to OW.On the other side being a step mum will be hard for OW.It may all start as the 'joy of blended families' but the difficulties often outweigh the benefits.

I was never an OW but a step mum and blending families can place enormous strains on the relationship, finances and home life. My friend was left by her husband for OW and at first the OW was super nanny but the novelty of cooking & tidying up for someone else's children soon wore off and now she is rarely involved, preferring to spend time with her dc.
Give it a few years and you will see that the blended bliss is actually very hard work and maybe the ex & ow won't be as happy as they appear now.

The early years of single motherhood are tough but I now look back on those days with great fondness. Having your children as your focus is such a gift and they will appreciate it when they are older.Keep the faith, focus on yourself and your dc and it will all come good.

I really hope my stbxh never comes crawling back either.
I too apparently am a bitter moaning twisted bitch and my marriage was a sham .

18 years together, never an argument, always loving and caring, kisses on every text message, warmth and love. Until she sunk her claws in. And you slept with both of us.
Then when I threw you out for cheating on me and our children, EVERYTHING was my fault. Still is two years later.

But I do sincerely wish he had shagged someone with an ounce of decency. Now I am subjected to a Jeremy Kyle like existence. They are engaged, but he and I are not divorced. And she has started using his (yep, mine) surname.

But everytime I ask him to sit down and discuss our divorce, he says No.
Seems to me he doesn't actually want to marry her after all.

I am resentful. She has stolen my life with him but I am trying to in between slagging her off tell the OP and other posters, that your OW could be as bad as mine AND GET TO SPEND TIME WITH YOUR CHILDREN. So if your OW has any good points, then please focus on them. My OW has none.

Same here....H had an affair and has been with the OW and she is due to have a baby in a few weeks.

It tears me up inside! I don't want him back and she is welcome to him but she has stolen my life. It doesn't help of course that they have all the "fun" stuff to do with the kids, like amusement parks and things. I don't have the money to entertain the kids that way and they both very much "buy" the kids happiness. But, I keep the moral high ground and love the kids more than life.

Inside I am bitter and twisted and both he and the munter that felt it was ok to shag someone else's husband have changed me completely as a person, and I hate that that they have done that.

Witch I was in the same position as you. I was struggling to keep a roof over the kids heads and he would bring them back from fab days out to theme parks etc. I would cry at the sheer unfairness of it all. Fast forward 25 years and my children and I still have a very close relationship. I see the grandchildren more than they do and often go away with them. I never told DC the bad things my ex did but over the years they have found out from other people. When we meet at family occasions the OW will still not let him have a conversation with me so I guess she has had years of insecurity. It was a very difficult time when he left but it made me resourceful and independent. You will get through it for your children.
,

I can honestly say I never felt like this. I can understand the mourning for the future you might have had. But think you need to imagine a new more wonderful future, that wouldn't have been possible with the exdh in your life. You have to change your way of thinking it you will damage yourself and long term your kids as they will sense your unhappiness.

Sorry if that sounds harsh? Was hoping it'd be helpful