Feel like OW has stolen my life

[Xan1]

So about 18 months ago I discovered my husband's affair. Divorce underway.
He's still with OW so they've been together for about 2 years.
Anyway, on the surface I've moved on. Have kick started my social life, doing a reasonable job of being a single parent and have a newish boyfriend.
However, H has recently introduced OW to the kids (primary age) and now they spend their contact weekends with her or round at the 'new' grandparents ( OW's family live locally, unlike mine). They've booked a 'family' holiday all together for the summer.
I know rationally it's good that my kids get on with her, and that she's nice to them.
But inside I actually fucking hate her (and H). It feels like she's stolen my husband and my kids and my family life and has gotten off entirely scot-free.
I know I ought to take the high road and pretend not to care but it's like another knife in the back every time I hear about their fun weekend with OW. :(

That's it sand it's the total Unfairness! He has left me bankrupt and struggling and he swans off here there and everywhere lavishing fabulous days out in the kids.

But your right...and that's what keeps me going. I know that one day, the kids will see right through their father and what they will remember more is hugs on the sofa, camping nights and blanket forts in the living room and that I love them unconditionally. Or at least, I hope they will :)

It's the slagging that she does about me to them as well! In the 12 years we were together, he never questioned how I parented our children...now I have a message just about every week on how they aren't bathed every night, why I let my 12 year old in to town himself, which is walking distance from my house!(he is 12 ffs and starting the academy) , all stirred up by the OW of that I am sure. And yy to her not letting him talk to me...EVER...he has to ask her if it's ok to come round to discuss the kids! How insecure is that?!

Sorry to hijack the thread OP...but your not alone, I have nothing that can help, but it is incredibly hard

It is totally unfair.

Why do so many have a set up where the dad has the kids at WE and the mums during the week? It enables Disney parenting.

I'd want a fair share of weekends as well!

I am a great believer in what goes around, comes around. He did it to you and one day he will do it to her... Keep smiling & stay strong OP

Xan and all posters: I can imagine your pain and frustration. Life is not fair. Life is a bitch. From your posts I understand your pain (called nowadays 'bitterness' as a PP justly pointed at.) Mums do not want to stay married/in relationship to have a man in their bed - but only to have a family life. It is what the OW with an ex steals from them. Of course the part written for them in our society is a nice part: they play the Disney/week ends parents- as PPs said. I imagine them OW talking to their friends/acquaintances: ' we took the kids from his ex to this and this... it was a fab day. Of course I love them. Of course they love me. Oh and his awful XW, she does not give them a bath everyday. We all work- and still find time to do so. When they are at my home, I bloody make sure that their father take them to have a bath every night....' They of course ignore that they do not have them on week-days with the job and single-parenthood of schoolchildren constraints.
We want to accept differences in lifestyles nowadays. So much so that many -including myself up to now- ignore the pain incurred to women who got the father of their kids and 'a substantial part' of their kids life stolen from them. These mothers have the ugly/difficult part written for them by our society. Their pain as said in this thread is perceived as bitterness: ' this bitter bitch. she does not see how her kids are happy to go out with the OW her family and their dad. what does she want? I wish I had someone to take my kids on holidays and give me a break!'
There are so many 'respectable' shows that support extra-marital/extra-relationship affairs with their multiple consequences. Some even see in leaving a long-lived marriage for another OW ' a courageous' act. When the father introduce his kids to the OW and his new life he is hailed as a hero. Voila. La vie continue. Happy-Clappy that is the new society order. Unfortunately the only shows that tend to support the wronged side- the original woman dealing with her pains and frustrations tend to be cheap shows a la Jimmy Kyle.
Something is screwed up in our society. We wanted to put right the marginalized people in the old order society (the OW for instance) and we did it at the cost of other people emotional well-being. We completely ignored why the Bible has introduced some restrictiveness on personal and social conducts in the first place- and what are the marginal people we must help and how we must help them. (I am an atheist/agnostic but I like the Bible.) I know my post is just ramble. I just wanted to tell Mums left for OW that I now understand your pain and understand the extent of the social stigma you have to deal with when you express your pain. Our society is a bitch. We must legitimate your pain and anger and frustration. WE must understand it and help you ease it. There is a first little step: We must stop calling your hurt feelings 'bitterness'.
Good Luck- My apologies if I did not understand the extent of your pain until now.

Dear OP

one day you will meet someone new, and OW will still be living with a cheating tossed. And I'm assuming an ageing one, too.

mamaof4 your post made me well up a little...I know that I have wanted to fight back and tell everyone how wronged I feel, how unfair he was to me and my children. I have no doubt that I was less than perfect in the marriage but it boiled down to him being bored due to him no longer being centre of my world. I had horrible PND and had just nursed his mother till she died. But when I tried to express it all, I was seen as selfish and me me me...go figure! I am getting over it but the pain sometimes can be too much to bear and I'm 2 years down the line.

To the pp who said about exes getting weekends? Yes, I would rather he had them for some of the hard work part, school nights and such, but he never will and I can't force him to take his children. If it's EOW then he gets to look like the good guy...he always wants to look like the good guy...why would he change now?

Sorry to intrude because I have not had this experience. However I just want to add my support to you. It is fucking unfair. Who are these bloody women who go around wrecking other people's lives? Hope all of you on this thread go on to have happy lives and can forget the pain. OP You are someone with integrity unlike your ex and the OW. You love and care for your children and they know your love is the real thing.

Let them crack on and play happy families. I bet my life that the ow does not love playing step mother. The cracks will soon show. Keep letting the children go there so that she feels the reality of life with children.

Ime there is nothing that takes the glitter from your relationship like children, especially when they aren't your own!

Well that's her reality now. Let them go on holiday, enjoy the peace and be the best you, you can be.

OP I understand the pain, but at the end of the day, their relationship started as a lie, and is still existing on those foundations of lies and deceit. To the poster who said they wished their Ex had an affair with a woman with morals, I'm not sure such a creature exists

I've got a great new life with a wonderful partner (we've emigrated to Australia) but I still (after 10 years) resent my ex husband and his new wife (who he was having an affair with).

They had the wedding we didn't (as it wasn't what he wanted), he's got a great, well paying job (that he's only got as I supported him through the hard slog to get), their parents have both kids living together and get everything money can buy yet he hasn't bothered with mine (ours) in over 9.5 years.

I'm fuming at everything they've stolen from the children even though I know the kids have got a great life with wonderful opportunities. I can't help but feel angry that he's a perfect dad with family #2 put cant even find it in himself to send my (out) kids a birthday card.

My ex is married to his OW and 10 years on, I would now class her as more of a friend than an enemy. She has demonstrated to me her love and care for my child and despite the awful start, she has really been there for them especially when I needed to go into hospital for weeks with a period of recovery afterwards.

My ex lied to her at the start and actually told her we were separated when we were still very much together. She only found out the truth 8 months later. By this time of course she was in love and so I don't really hold too many grudges against her as it was he who pulled the wool over both our eyes.

Of course, I was devastated at first and very angry for the first year or so . This pain eased and now I actually can see why he was drawn to her, she is a really lovely person.

Much better a good one than a bad one!

What sands says.

In the long run, the OW had the great privilege to live with a cheater
In the long run, what makes a difference is the day to day things you do with your dcs, not the lavish holidays.
And your exH will also have to deal with the fact your dcs will know the reason you split and they will judge him too.

You have a newboyfriend. Create the live you want for yourself. a family with peoplle you can trust. That's the best vengeance you can get. If I was the OW, I would struggle to fully trust a man who cheated on his wife, even if it was for mee. So they certainly don't get that

Thank you witch!
I liked your post about the single mum woes on a beach!
Maybe the second step to ease such mums would be a campaign to oblige the partners who left for someone else to have FAMILY HOLIDAYS restricted to their original family and to have baby-sit duties in the house where the kids live or in hotels/tents during family holidays (so that they can take the kid/s to the loo whilst on a family outing- keep an eye on the bags whilst on the beach- babysit in the evening when the wronged partner is sick/has work to do/go out to a bar..). In fact I heard many mothers (there are probably fathers in the same situation) who were left for OWs or left the family home for a reason or another and their main complaints were: Missing the family holidays/outings/gatherings; missing the presence of someone to care for the kids when they can't cope anymore with jobs and single-parenthood. It must become law that those who quit the original partner for OW must continue the life-long commitment they pledged by having kids with the OW:
they must do everything so as to preserve the special unit that is the original family; they must 'co-parent'- not in parallel, whilst on week-ends or holidays- but on a daily basis (when the wronged parent needs help- maybe the wronged parent would not have had kids if he/she thought they would parent on their own); they must plan family outings/holidays with their original P (unless the original wife/husband is a certified psycho and disgusting thug- rarely the case when it is woman.)

well we still need to fight to put right the society and ease it to people who were wronged by faith (handicapped- unconventional sexuality- difficulties in understanding the society as it is etc etc) and to people wronged by other people (original family destroyed for/by OW). Any screenwriters/campaigners to take up the challenge? Up to now the focus on movies/books are on love in spite of the 'societal conventions', i.e. ignoring the moral obligations of the betrayer to the original relationship - and redefining the pains of betrayed mums as bitterness, and the yearnings to protect the original family as products of mollusks of an old and irrelevant era. Good luck to you all!

Confusion in my previous post - the 10th line must read:
'having kids with the Original Woman (I wrote OW- misleading and so wrong- sorry)

Mama that's assuming that the woman never gets married again though. Why would that be the case? On this thread, the OP talks about having a new bf and a lot of women have partners/remarried afterwards with who they are building a real, nice family life.

Personally I wouldn't want my ex in my house more than necessary. I wouldn't want to be reminded again and again that he has been lying and cheating and has decided to leave me.
I wouldn't want the arguments that would surely ensue (after all, if you end up divorcing, it's because somewhere your morals/values aren't the same).
I would want the opportunity to rebuild MY life and that isn't going to happen if my ex is in the way all the time.

You are absolutely right Magnificent, if the mum rebuilds her life with someone else then all means must be taken to protect her from the home-wrecker that was her ex.

I am 16 years on from the awful time when my ex fucked off with the other woman. He didnt wait any time at all before introducing the new set up because she was my "friend" and her boy was my son's friend, so they already knew each other and he moved in with her within days of me telling him to go when I discovered their plan to find somewhere together.

She was pregnant almost immediately and yes, it felt awful. I too felt as if my life with my son and my dreams of family life had been stolen and handed to her on a plate. When exp described his new family as "blended" I retorted with "you mean liquidised- smashed to bits and left as an ugly mess". Over the years I have moved from feeling the loss so much, I began to quite like the regular friday nights free and every other saturday night too.

As my son got older I began to get insights into their life via my son- she is a crap cook and my boy hates eating there, he also thinks she is a crap parent- far too permissive and needy. Recently they got a dog- my exp hates dogs, now I know that he got what he deserves- a house overrun with pet mess, kids and crap food. The feelings have moved from loss to indifference about him. I would still only piss on her if she was on fire if I could be sure to add insult to injury though.

Keep on keeping on OP, you will get stronger and your children will grow up. If the OW has babies they will be stuck in with the babies whilst you can spread your wings and fly. Forget karma though- it does not work like people like to think- you will wait until hell freezes over to gloat over their/his/her misfortune, so get on with your life in the bits of time you have that are yours- ALL YOURS.

Bite back any tendency to ask questions about the holidays they have and just mutter "that's nice dear" if the children are desparate to tell you about them. Find another single parent to do holidays with. We managed to have great fun sharing the load with another friend and her son over many holidays camping in the UK and futher afield.

Dont beat yourself up about being bitter- it is only those who have never experienced the utter devastation of this kind of loss who use those kinds of expressions. You are not bitter- you are hurting and it is real, and it will get better. Really, it will.

If H has recently introduced the children to OW and her parents, then they are still in the honeymoon phase. They want it to be fun at their house, so are doing every thing to make it fun - days out, holidays, treats etc. it probably won't last. Unfortunatelyyou, as the main parent has to deal with the mundane stuff ( school, washing etc), whilst they can just do the fun stuff.

for you

Don't want to hijack but was wonder how people feel when the new partner wasn't the reason for the relationship breakdown but came along later on.

I'm in the situation where I met my now wife sometime after I split from my son's mother.
Obviously I'm not silly enough to think it's easy for my ex and I'm sure us doing 50/50 (always have) makes it even worse.
Ex has never settled with anyone which I actually feel is a shame but selfishly, it makes things easier for me.
I just wonder how she actually feels deep down, she comes across as liking my wife and there hasn't really been too many problems between us all over the past ten or so years .

Think I've been very lucky in many ways!

Newbieman it is totally different for you. If you genuinely split from your DS mother without an affair then I salute you.

Someone up thread said I am not bitter, I am betrayed. Never has a sentence meant so much to me.

It is the betrayal. Lies and cheating to your wife and children. Weak pathetic men who can't finish one relationship before starting a new one, just in case......

I wouldn't allow them to take the children on holiday! That's just me. My x didn't leave me for another woman. I left him, he's with somebody else now. I wouldn't allow them to take the children out of the UK.