Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Even if I wanted to come back you wouldn't trust me anyway".... Exes latest

72 replies

Bambino1234 · 26/04/2015 19:19

I have posted on here numerous times really just to vent my daily confusion at my ex !

Today when dropping the kids to him he's decided to use the line "well even if I did want to come back you wouldn't trust me anyway, so there's no point wasting time worrying about it"

Is this his way of telling me he wants to come back but doesn't have the balls to work at it ... Or his way of appeasing himself by blaming me for the fact he can't have his family ?!

OP posts:
momb · 26/04/2015 19:26

It sound like his excuse for letting the relationship go and giving himself carte blanche to do what the hell he wants with whomever he wants.
What did you say?

Original poster
Bambino1234 · 26/04/2015 19:31

I just said so Is that your way of blaming me for you not having your family, as if to say well I wanted to come home but she's too stubborn to let it slide so he feels less guilty... He then said well you wouldn't trust me any way would you ?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/04/2015 19:33

it's just another way to twist the blame back onto you

ignore the ridiculous arsewipe

BifsWif · 26/04/2015 19:42

He's testing the waters.

Bogeyface · 26/04/2015 19:44

Its his way of blaming you.

"I would have gone back, I knew I made a mistake but she would never forgive me" = Its her fault our marriage is over not mine for being a cheating lying shit bag.

Bogeyface · 26/04/2015 19:45

And yes, it could also be a way of seeing if you would have him back, while neatly using it to also blame you when he gets the inevitable "no, of course I wouldnt".

Original poster
Bambino1234 · 26/04/2015 19:53

I thought it was just his way of blaming me for him walking away!
I'm not sure if he wanted me to say of course I trust you come home you wonderful man or just to agree as if to say well yeah blame on it her.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 26/04/2015 19:55

Probably more the blame thing, but if you had said "yes come home" he would have done until the next OW turned his head.

Bogeyface · 26/04/2015 19:55

As in, he wants someone else to do the cooking, cleaning etc while he goes tomcatting, not because he wants to come back and be a good husband iykwim

tipsytrifle · 26/04/2015 20:00

I think it was "male bluster" that avoids taking responsibility, does not open any doors (he doesn't want to come back) but shifts the blame slightly onto you with a certain grudging "even if i wanted to" .... like how could he possibly be undesirable? This is a particular kind of shitty man, not representative of all men.

VanitasVanitatum · 26/04/2015 20:02

He's just assuaging his guilt for being a cheating twat. Ignore ignore ignore.

Original poster
Bambino1234 · 26/04/2015 20:05

He left me New Year's Eve two weeks before we were due to move - he was seeing a co worker under my nose (we lived above a pub that he ran) and denied it for weeks even with proof ! He's still seeing her and he employs her at the business we were supposed to run, he has never apologised until today and I don't know again why he felt he should. He said he knew it was wrong and he accepts he is the reason he only sees his children once a week there is no one else to blame for all this other than himself ... If he's that remorseful why not knock the girl on the head and atleast seem half heartedly sorry not how can I make it seem like she's the reason I've not bothered to fight for my family.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 26/04/2015 20:08

I'd ring the pub when you know he wont be there and leave a message with her "Please can you tell him that I have thought about it and no, I wont have him back".

But I dont make the best decisions when I am pissed off!

AyeAmarok · 26/04/2015 20:14

Please don't take him back OP.

Never be someone's fallback option.

Original poster
Bambino1234 · 26/04/2015 20:14

He is just odd ! I have accepted that we are broken up and that we have separate lives now !

If I were to mention this next week and say that he's said this to me he'd say well I didn't mean it because I don't want you back anyway, I didn't want to be with you I'm sorry if you can't accept that. Etc ....

I would love to do that but don't have the guts lol

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 26/04/2015 20:16

He really isn't remorseful and wanting to return. He's just being a shit and not taking responsibility for his actions/consequences. Leave him to it. You aren't interested in taking him back are you?

tipsytrifle · 26/04/2015 20:18

One day you'll have the guts to say exactly to him. That's actually what your dilemma is, I think.

tipsytrifle · 26/04/2015 20:18

"exactly that"

AnyFucker · 26/04/2015 20:22

Is he hard of learning ?

Original poster
Bambino1234 · 26/04/2015 20:25

He asked me to spend the day with the children and him a few weeks ago when I mentioned it to him during one of his woe be me moments he then decided that it was just so he didn't have to drop them back to me I could just take them home from were we had met up!! It's all back tracking constantly.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 26/04/2015 20:33

You know what? I am wondering if this constant back and forth is in fact genuine regret. NOT remorse, thats a different thing.

I think he is regretting leaving because the grass isnt in fact greener. I think he would love to come back if he thought that you would simply forget it ever happened in a "turn back time" way, so he never left, nothing got broken, everyones happpy. Thats what the "You would never trust me.....would you??!" is about, checking whether you would, even though he knows deep down that you wouldnt.

In reality he knows that he did leave, it is broken and you wont have him back because of the damage he did. So thats where the "I only said that because...... I didnt mean it....." bullshit is about, he is saving face because you knocked him back and he is having to put on a front that everything in his new life is wonderful, it has to be otherwise he left for nothing.

You are already happier than he is, trust me.

tipsytrifle · 26/04/2015 20:37

He isn't just odd. He's a total abusive drongo! A nasty "intrude on your space" one at that if I recall your previous? Weren't we thinking you need to get your boundaries sorted clearly and NOT let him start woo-ing you back?

Have you (re)told him not to come into your home yet?

Original poster
Bambino1234 · 26/04/2015 20:40

Bogeyface - he constantly back tracks then will say things such as the no I didn't mean it, I didn't say it - I'm only trying to be civil ! There are ways to be civil without having to take back things that have been said or done.
He has said he knows that he had a family and because of him and his actions he doesn't anymore .. But why not knock the OW on the head and okay we aren't getting back together but use your spare time trying to create a good co parenting relationship with me and showing interest in their lives !

OP posts:
Original poster
Bambino1234 · 26/04/2015 20:44

Tipsytrifle - yes I have had that discussion last week with him I was very strong and said that I didn't want him coming in anymore etc to make small talk .. He took offense to this and said okay well I'll pull up throw the kids out and go then ... To which I reply why should we need to do anymore than that ? He then retorted back well I'm only being polite I don't want you back ! I also asked why he made such little time for the children ie checking in with them once a week on the phone or about special events and he said because it's not a pleasure talking to me on the phone as I'm cold and not chatty so why would he call !!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/04/2015 20:53

You are engaging with him too much, bambino

that won't end wel