"Even if I wanted to come back you wouldn't trust me anyway".... Exes latest

[Bambino1234]

I have posted on here numerous times really just to vent my daily confusion at my ex !

Today when dropping the kids to him he's decided to use the line "well even if I did want to come back you wouldn't trust me anyway, so there's no point wasting time worrying about it"

Is this his way of telling me he wants to come back but doesn't have the balls to work at it ... Or his way of appeasing himself by blaming me for the fact he can't have his family ?!

I have tried being strict I have tried it all but he wears me down or asks his mum to have a word - he know see are close so I listen to her.

It's an impossible situation because he really does only think of himself.

Explain to his mother that her son is a bad father and he needs to step up.
If necessary cut contact with her to the minimum too.

I don't think you are ready to listen, love

You still value his opinion (and his mother's, like she would be unbiased about him?) above your own. Until you understand this, and stop doing it, you will continue to dance to his tune.

Its not "an impossible situation" - but it is if you can't even try to get to the point that you don't care what he says thinks.

Do you really want to be free of him?
Do you really want to make your own decisions?
How much would he have to hurt you before you'd not care anymore?
Do you really want him back?

You can't make someone else be unselfish. You can't make someone else be reasonable.
The only person you can change is yourself.

"I'm bringing the kids back early because I need some time for myself"

"No that wont be possible, I have made arrangements for today on the basis of your agreed contact. I will be back in time for you to drop them off at X time, as we agreed"

Dont not engage with the "But but but......." "As I said, I wont be here so you need to stick to the agreed schedule, I'll see you later" and that is that.

You want him to care, he doesnt.
You want him to put the kids first, he wont.
You want him to miss your old life, he doesnt.
You want him to treat you with respect, he isnt.

You cant change him and you will never understand him so stop trying. You need to accept that this is a selfish fucked up manipulative man who doesnt give 2 shiny shites about you and how you feel. If he did then he wouldnt have buggered off in the first place. Stop trying to wring meaning from his words and actions, you will just drive yourself round the twist.

Everytime he pulls another stunt, think to yourself "You are trying to manipulate me" and keep saying it to yourself. And say NO to him.

I think the main issue is that YOU only think of him. You seem to have gone back to square one after that sudden insight earlier but never mind. It'll come again. When you get angry, when something he says or does really gets your goat. Maybe when you realise that he's brought his suitcases and breakfast order.

You are the mother of DC. It's your job to be in charge, to say NO to whoever needs it. To lay out the boundaries of right and wrong behaviour and yes, everyday manners too. You can't do this from a prone mat-on-the-floor position with everyone walking all over you.

Eventually you may not have the heart to say no when he decides it's time to move back in or take you all out for a (not so) wonderful family day. You'll have wasted all that energy and effort to set up YOUR new home.

There's a certain, um, inconsistency between his words and actions going on here. On one hand it's "boo hoo, I lost my family, I can't be with them so much because mean old Bambino won't forgive me", and on the other he can't be arsed to call regularly and can't wait to dump the kids back at their mum's so he can have some free time (as opposed to, oh, all the rest of the week when he doesn't have them?). This does not sound at all like a man who is devastated or even slightly concerned that he no longer lives with his children. But he puts on a good show, and you're half-buying it.

Also remind him that contact agreements are with the children, not you.
If he changes them, he changes them with the children. He is the one playing god with the children. Not you, the person who is sticking to the agreement.
Keep the children interests in any communication with him. It's all about them, not you, or him.

He can only wear you down if he has access to you. If he doesn't and you cut all conversation dead at handovers then he can't do it.

I know what it feels like to want someone to experience some of the shit they've put you through, but the fact is that only matters while you're still invested. Once you're over it you don't care what they feel. If karma bites or it doesn't it's all irrelevant.

I just didn't like that he was blaming me for the fact he couldn't try again, I never said I didn't want to but I never got the choice.
No I don't want a relationship with him, I get up and go to bed without missing him as a person.
What I am finding hard to grasp is why when I don't miss his company, I actually feel relief but all I can focus on is him regretting what he has done - like a child knowing he had done wrong !!
He said he didn't feel it was a big mistake not to try as he knows me well enough he knows I wouldn't forgive him and that's not fair on either us! I just would of liked the chance to say no to him!

What exactly is it that is giving you the impression that he might want to come back? It is a recurring theme in lots of your posts yet as far as I am aware he has never actually given you real cause to think this might be the case. Has he ever actually said that, or is it just that when you ask him if he is likely to ever change his mind or feel regret at leaving he just says (quite honestly) 'at the moment I have no intention of coming back but who knows how I might feel further down the line?'

Because none of us honestly know for sure what we will or won't think about things in six months or a year, and if you keep putting him on the spot about whether he regrets leaving then he will keep trotting out the honest answer, which is 'I don't think so, but who can know for sure if I will always feel that way?

That should not be interpreted as 'I am confused and I'm wondering whether I've done the right thing.' I understand completely why there is a temptation to clutch at straws and hope that's what he means, but the truth is, it isn't.

The sooner you can stop wondering, analysing and watching for signs the better placed you will be to move on with your life.

I don't put him on the spot!
I don't ask every time he gets out of the car !
I leave him to it, it is he who spouts these lines when the cooker heat is turned up and he is in the wrong, then he spends the time telling me I shouldn't be moaning at him for being late, it's not his fault he doesn't want me but he's always quick to add that he might do though just incase I've decided to shut all doors and All I have said is he has chosen this life he should atleast be on time to collect the children the short time he has them !

It would be stupid to want him back - but it is not that easy to shut my feelings off. It is me that deals with the fall out of this every time my children are reminded their father is not there !
Me that is reminded that I wasn't good enough.
Me that has to deal with the fact that he would rather enjoy the happiness of a floozy and be so apparently unhappy at being away from the children.

No I do not want him back. But I would more than anything of likes the choice. I'm sorry about that.

Chumplady.com has something called the Universal Bullshit Translator. And "Stupid shit cheats say". Either will cheer you up immensely, and (hopefully) make you realise afresh what a load of twaddle he spouts.

Me that is reminded that I wasn't good enough.

You couldnt be more wrong if you tried.

He wasnt good enough. Wasnt good enough to be faithful. Wasnt good enough to tell you he wanted out of the marriage and leave honourably, doing the right thing by both you and the kids. Wasnt good enough to care about the bomb he dropped as he walked away. Wasnt good enough to appreciate what he had until it was too late.

I get what you are saying. He is playing games but at no point do you get to say "Actually no, I dont want you back. You ended our marriage and am ok with that, I am moving on and dont need you in my life anymore". Its like meeting the person you are about to dump only for them to do it first!

Its annoying but I think for your own happiness you need to move past the unfairness of it all.

"Even if I wanted to come back you wouldn't trust me anyway"

I just didn't like that he was blaming me for the fact he couldn't try again

So what was actually said between the two of you to instigate this response from him?

What bothers me he is doing all of these things and saying all of this but "he doesn't want to be with me" he point blank says that. So why doesn't he just zip it

Apart from the petting zoo thing which was possibly about him attempting some friendly co-parenting and bridge building, but realistically more about him not wanting to drive the kids back to yours at the end of the day, I'm a bit confused about what it is he is actually doing or saying that is sending mixed messages that he then has to backtrack from. What does he actually say and in what context, that implies leaving the door open for a change of mind later down the line?

I've decided to shut all doors and All I have said is he has chosen this life he should atleast be on time to collect the children the short time he has them!

Good! And I hope you have told him this too, no next time he starts with his bullshit about how he might change his mind just say 'Why are you telling me this? What difference is that supposed to make to me? Whether you do or don't regret it later is irrelevant now.' And then do not get drawn into further discussion about it.

Do your parents in law live reasonably local to you? Is it possible that if he continues to be late collecting them that from now on you will drop them at his parents at the agreed time, and that he is to bring them back to you at the agreed time? And tell him that bringing them home early is not an option as you have plans and cannot guarantee being home, so if he needs to do stuff 'for himself' he can take them to his parents and they can bring them home at the agreed time? You can't keep entering into debates with him about it - it's your time and you are entitled to be able to plan it and enjoy it without having to constantly take him into consideration.

What is said ?

Anything that could be seen as me moaning at him, he doesn't want me I get that. But saying our daughter has been upset at school and missing him could he talk to her, will evoke the response that I am just trying to guilt him and then he falls back on the I don't want you anymore blah blah - it is never a conversation that starts out about us he just seems to like to throw these lines in when the hear is turned up.

Perhaps it is I who insinuates these things and reads to much into them - perhaps he is subconsciously dangling a carrot. Asking me to join him at a petting zoo when a few weeks before he didn't even want to be at his mums when I was there does tell me there was a reason for it, whether it was to save face as he new people there or to save driving them back I don't know but it wasn't a simple lets be civil.

No I may not get to tell him to jump in front of a bus your not coming home - but venting on here is much better than venting to him about things he has

OP, can you arrange contact through his mother? Drop the kids off with her, then you pick them up?

He is like a drug to you, and if you don't go cold turkey, he is going to suck you right back in. You are feeding off this drama - consciously or unconsciously.

You need to be in minimum contact with this man via a third party.

If you really really need to tell him about his daughter, rather than just want because he should care, or its his fault, then a very short factual email, and no discussion. But he still might not care,mane accuse you of nagging.

But venting here is fine. Unfortunately he's shown he is selfish, and will continue to do so. He is trying to blame you - we are trying to tell you not to accept that blame. It's not your fault, it's his. You're not nagging but trying to inform, but he's like a toddler with is finger is his ears yelling "nah nah can't here you".
It's better to ignore him.

I think he quite possibly is giving you subtle signals that he might be interested, but none you can quite put your finger on. Try to ignore it. Of course it would be more satisfying to be able to tell him where to go, and of course it's infuriating to have someone tell you what you're thinking when you really were not. (Like when XH invited me out for a discussion in a pub, I reluctantly agreed, then he said he wasn't going to because he knew me, I would just take the opportunity to make a scene in public. Er, of course I would )

But ultimately it doesn't matter what he thinks or claims to think. His opinion is bullshit. You will be well and truly on the way to recovery when you can say airily "You may choose to think that" and then not engage any further. As you have noticed, he does it when he has done something wrong such as being late to fetch the DC. It wrong-foots you, deflects your legitimate complaint, shifts the conversation to your shortcomings. It's kind of transparent really. I think there may also be an ego boost in it, to keep himself in the position of the one making the decisions. You will kindly remain in the role to which he has assigned you. Should you deviate from the script before you, all such deviations will be ignored and the rest of the cast will proceed as though you had, in fact, spoken the correct lines. It makes your head feel weird.

You might loathe me for this but are you sure you aren't giving him odd mixed signals that imply a retained interest? You're really schtum about keeping him out of the house and doorstep handovers. But maybe my posts are too pushy. It's all up to you.

Being the dumped one, so to speak, is a kick on the bum but you keep saying you wish you'd have had the choice instead of him. What choice would you have made, Bambino?

I'm not sure if I give him mixed signals, I'm not saying I am innocent in this perhaps if I had posted when this all had started you would be able to see a change in me.
I was definitely desperate to have him back at the start, with a wild rage - I wanted him more than I had ever wanted him like an unobtainable piece of jewellery, but I have come through that fog, I have been okay because he was so resolute in his actions up until the last few weeks, I had stopped all Contact on my part unless there was a real need, unless I save it until hand over !
When you say mixed signals do you mean as if I'm saying I want you back do you want me , perhaps in not so many words!!

I feel like if anyone was going to leave the relationship it would of been me, I had bad PND after my second child, he didn't support me and continued working the same long hours and found it all an inconvenience, I got over that and things seemed better we moved for his job but his work life got so hectic and family was second best, but I trundled on because we did have happy times and I thought once our business came to fruition life would let up a little. I am angry I guess that he chose out of that life when I stuck at it because We loved each other and when we had time away from work it was a great life.

I know I wouldn't be able to have him back - I guess I just need to find acceptance.

It's clear that you did all the work and he has basically abandoned you; at least that's how it feels. I think that's where the heart of your as yet unreleased anger lies. Karma will slap him in the face for you, though. But yes, you have to accept that all that effort you put in could not save the relationship.

You'll have new happy times, joyous even, when you've cleared yourself of the left over poison from his snake-bite actions. In time you and the DC will have really exciting, challenging and fun adventures together. Your relationship really doesn't sound to have contained many of those elements. Remember that you may well be wearing rose tinted glasses regarding how happy and great things were in the past. In any case, nothing wrong with having good memories. Might be good to be able to share those for when, almost inevitably, the DC want to talk about why you split up. It's nice if it wasn't ALL dark.

Acceptance will come, Time insists on it. In the meantime, just do what you can to stop circling around the "wishing him to realise what he's lost" scenario. And keep him out of the house like you did before!