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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

"Even if I wanted to come back you wouldn't trust me anyway".... Exes latest

72 replies

Bambino1234 · 26/04/2015 19:19

I have posted on here numerous times really just to vent my daily confusion at my ex !

Today when dropping the kids to him he's decided to use the line "well even if I did want to come back you wouldn't trust me anyway, so there's no point wasting time worrying about it"

Is this his way of telling me he wants to come back but doesn't have the balls to work at it ... Or his way of appeasing himself by blaming me for the fact he can't have his family ?!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/04/2015 20:53

*well

Original poster

Bambino1234 · 26/04/2015 20:56

I don't know what to do !
I don't particularly want him back.
But I am beginning to get worn down by the constant toing and froing !!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/04/2015 21:00

You don't need to "do" anything, love

Cut out the talks and the engaging and let your head clear. He knows if he keeps chipping away at you he will have his feet back under your table before the year is out.

make it clear the only thing you are interested in communicating is practical arrangements for the kids....all else is off limits

and stick to it

you are slipping into hypnotised mode

Original poster

Bambino1234 · 26/04/2015 21:04

What bothers me he is doing all of these things and saying all of this but "he doesn't want to be with me" he point blank says that. So why doesn't he just zip it - I will try and be stronger when I get the children back tomorrow

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/04/2015 21:10

let him say what he wants, you don't have to "understand" it

you already know he is a master of self delusion

just let him get on with it...his bollocks should not be unsettling you, or you might as wel let him right into your head again

AnyFucker · 26/04/2015 21:11

take the children on the doorstep and cut off any bollocks with a curt "I am not interested"

tipsytrifle · 26/04/2015 21:12

You need to be CLEAR. Fake being strong because you clearly aren't yet. He won't zip it because he still "owns" you. When he doesn't, he will know that you know that you are free. Stop looking for hidden love-notes in his innuendo laden passive-aggression (leaning more to the latter than the former). Tell him to get out of your homespace. Mean it. Then you'll be making more headway to him zipping it.

Original poster

Bambino1234 · 26/04/2015 21:12

There must come a point be it tomorrow or a year ... That the gravity of what they have done hits these men!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/04/2015 21:13

who cares ?

the fact that you care means he still has you

tipsytrifle · 26/04/2015 21:15

There might be, there might not. YOU don't have to get over that, they do. YOUR job is to live your life and be happy and stop worrying and werreting about what isn't yours. The nasty truth is that you are being haunted and courted by your ex and you need to be on your guard.

IhavenevermetAnthonyHead · 27/04/2015 04:45

It sounds to me like he is only trying to be civil and friendly to you and you read this as him giving mixed messages and over analyzing his motives and everything he says - 'does he want to come back? Why's is he being so nice to me if he doesn't want to come back? If he wants us to have a good relationship why won't he drop the OW to prove it, even if we aren't together?'

Well that's easy - he is doing it because he wants you to be nice to him. that way he gets an easy life, no guilt no stress, he gets to walk away without any more fuss or recriminations but he still gets to shag the OW. There is no reason why you should have to engage with him at all on a chatty chatty social level and sending the kids out to his car should be as much contact as you need to have if the friendly conversations are messing with your head. He will not like it because it will be a constant reminder of what he's done, and will make him feel guilty, but that is not your problem.

Original poster

Bambino1234 · 27/04/2015 08:32

Perhaps so. I think it's because I had hoped he'd be in the position I was four months ago wanting a family that he can't have and obviously he has just learnt to live with it.

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 27/04/2015 08:46

While ever you're on the look-out for karma to knock him down in revenge and realisation of his sins, you're still giving him all your attention. You need to shift that intense focus back onto yourself and the DC. The best revenge is to live a good and happy life anyway. His karma is his own business really. Get back to real practicalities and deny him access to your home and mind. By not stepping fully into your own freedom the only agony being prolonged is yours.

Original poster

Bambino1234 · 27/04/2015 08:51

Thank you Tipsytrifle - I expect I need to just let go now - it is not about wanting him back in my bed but more wanting him not want the life he's chosen and want his old life back !!! I guess I need to get past him being miserable and start being happy myself.

OP posts:

tipsytrifle · 27/04/2015 08:59

Absolutely that's what you should try and do Bambino - you've got it! Trust karma and let go now

mummytime · 27/04/2015 09:17

Why not get yourself some little treats or even treat things to plan (holidays, haircuts, days out, picnics, meals) and indulge in these whenever you find yourself thinking about him too much.

I think Karma often does happen, but it can take years - so there is no point waiting for it to hit. Get on with having fun - enjoy your freedom. When he has the kids do things you can't do with them: eat spicy food, wax you legs, paint your nails, watch grown up films, go out etc.

Original poster

Bambino1234 · 27/04/2015 09:52

Thank you Mummytime - it's just a hassle everything is a hassle ! Lies lies and him constantly thinking that it is only his life and happiness that matters not that of his children or his childrens mother may need support.
We all panda to his needs or the tears and sorries start rolling all part of guilt tripping me into doing what he wants.

OP posts:

mummytime · 27/04/2015 09:56

You really need a strategy to deal with tears. I'm sure you wouldn't/don't give in every time your DC cry because they can't have something?

But limiting contact is the best first strategy.

Maybe try to picture him as a toddler having a tantrum (put a bonnet on his head, a nappy on and give him a rattle) might help?

Original poster

Bambino1234 · 27/04/2015 10:11

It is hard because I don't want to be the one to say no to him - maybe I'm too soft or not angry enough.
He only has them a short amount of time a week ! He has already called this morning to say he's bringing them back early as he needs time for himself - I wonder if I ever get any time for myself or if I'm his permanent skivvy !

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/04/2015 10:21

Yes, you are too soft on him

you are squandering sympathy and understanding that would be best confined to you and your dcs

do you think he is worrying and analysing everything you say and do ?

no, he is looking after himself just like he always has

next time he takes the kids tell him if he can't be arsed to keep them for the time agreed not to bother at all

Lweji · 27/04/2015 10:54

Definitely too soft.

Don't take the children earlier (be out of the house) to accommodate him.

And firmly shut the door on him ever going back to you. No more chats. Handovers should be fast and silent as much as possible. You can always use emails and messages to discuss the children and so that you can always refer to them if there is any confusion.

Original poster

Bambino1234 · 27/04/2015 10:59

If I say no or it's not convenient or don't have them then if your not going to have them as and when agreed to. He accuses me of playing god with my children.
What I can't understand is how he can accept a selfish miserable bastard of a lifestyle towards his children - and walk into a happy life will we are left picking up the pieces of crap he has slung back.
Perhaps I am not strong enough to play dirty and he knows he can do what he wants as well as play dad of the year !

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 27/04/2015 11:07

who cares what he accuses you of ?

you know he is incorrect, so let it wash all over you

Lweji · 27/04/2015 11:07

Ignore his accusations.

I have been a bitch (actually strict) to exH regarding contact and it has actually improved contact. Much more reliable and less stressful for DS.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2015 11:09

why do you value the opinion of a nobber like this ?

his assessment of you means jackshit

all you need to know is what is in both yours and dc's best interests

if you are willing to tolerate him pissing about with timings and handovers the children will suffer

make yourself less available

"no, that doesn't work for me" then end the conversation works wonders in a variety of situations

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