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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH doesn't talk to me

67 replies

Snowberry86 · 25/04/2015 18:21

About anything. We don't even have general day to day chit chat.

I'm not sure whether it's always been like this and I've never really noticed, or whether things have changed.

I feel like everything is a huge effort with him. I'm trying to book days out, weekends away to try and spend time together but when we do it feels like it's hard work. I love him, but I'm finding it difficult at the minute.

I've tried to talk to him about it but am not getting anywhere and I don't have anyone in real life I can talk to about it. My family all think we have the perfect marraige but I'm just not sure that it is.

Does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 25/04/2015 19:36

You say you're unsure if it's always been like this or things have changed. It must have been better when you first knew him or how would you ever have established a relationship ? How long have you been together ?

Vivacia · 25/04/2015 19:36

Try telling him in a letter?

Try counselling with Relate (on your own, I'm guessing he wouldn't attend with you?)?

Think about where your line in the sand is?

Original poster
Snowberry86 · 25/04/2015 19:48

We have been together 9 years and so he is pretty much all I remember (we are 29 and 30). We don't have children yet.

I worry we may just be drifting apart. I think he just doesn't know what to say to me. He is quite a quiet person anyway and when he is with his mates he talks mainly about football which I'm not interested in.

It sounds daft but he will often sing lines to to a song or making daft little comments. When I've tried to talk about our lack of communication it appears he seems to think this is him communicating.

I would really like to write down everything we talk about one evening to prove to him we don't talk as he genuinely doesn't believe it. He seems to think everything is fine which is why I wonder if maybe it's me?

OP posts:
hesterton · 25/04/2015 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hesterton · 25/04/2015 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 19:53

he sounds completely devoid of a personality

Original poster
Snowberry86 · 25/04/2015 19:56

I don't mean to make him sound bad- he really is a good person and will be a wonderful father. He really loves me and would do anything for us.

Maybe we have just grown apart? Maybe I don't mind him funny anymore?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 19:58

he sounds boring (or holds you in contempt)

with everything going on in the world right now, he can't find something to talk to you about ?

Original poster
Snowberry86 · 25/04/2015 20:01

Maybe I'm just as bad? Maybe I don't talk to him either?

OP posts:
YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 25/04/2015 20:07

Did you used to talk/laugh/chat about your day etc? You must have engaged in a meaningful way at some point, in order to get as far as marriage. If you go out together, do you talk when you're out? Chat about your shared trip/experience when you get home? Do you have mutual friends?

SanityClause · 25/04/2015 20:08

I'm sure he's perfectly lovely, but it sounds like you have grown apart.

If you're not happy with him, leave before you have children.

Life is too short.

Original poster
Snowberry86 · 25/04/2015 20:12

I can't leave him, the thought of life without him terrifies me.

If we go out together then we talk a little but not loads really. Its not like two people purposely avoiding conversation, the conversation just doesn't seem to naturally flow anymore. If it ever did.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snowberry86 · 25/04/2015 20:13

No we don't really have mutual friends. We go out as couples some times but not that often really.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 20:13

"terrifies" you ? Confused

AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 20:15

OP, it seems that what you have to look forward to is many more decades of being that couple that stare out of the window in cafes without a word to say to each other

There is a difference between companiable silence and what you describe here

That is a sad prospect

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 25/04/2015 20:20

This sounds really sad.
How did you get to the stage where you got married if you're not sure you ever really talked?
Do you both have hobbies/interests outside of work? Is it that neither of you have anything interesting to talk about?
To be honest it does sound like you've drifted apart (if indeed you were ever 'together'). Agree with AF, do you want to be a couple who have nothing to say to each other into old age? Sitting across from each other in uncomfortable silence when you go out anywhere?

Original poster
Snowberry86 · 25/04/2015 20:38

I know many of you are right. No I really don't want to be that couple.

We have been struggling to conceive and when we talked about it maybe not happening DH said he would be happy if it was just the two of us forever, I really wouldn't.

I know I have to talk to him about it but it's just so hard. 2 years ago he actually started a conversation like this and said he wasn't sure he was happy and we had become stuck in a rut. We worked hard to improve things and for a while it worked but I think we are slipping back there.

I love him as care for him. Maybe I'm just not in love with him anymore? Or maybe I never was? I think he is probably more like my best friend than my husband.

It just seems so daft to walk away from something that from the outside seems so good. He is hardworking, kind, intelligent, looks after me, does his share at home and will be a brilliant father. He could be the perfect man, I just don't know if he is the perfect man for me.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 20:40

You are far too young to be stuck in this rut. Staring out of the window in cafes is for boring old farts like me.

Joysmum · 25/04/2015 20:40

There's a big difference between personable silence and awkward silence.

You need more in common than just future kids.

Original poster
Snowberry86 · 25/04/2015 20:47

I know.

I am so scared of starting my life again though. What if I regret us separating? What if I never meet anyone else? I'm 29 and really want children, I'm worried it will take so long to meet someone else I am happy with that having a family will never happen.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 21:00

well, we can't tell you what you should do

but this situation will only get worse, not better

Original poster
Snowberry86 · 25/04/2015 21:03

Thank you.

I can't walk away without knowing I have given my marriage my best shot. I said those vows and they were a promise to stick together no matter what life throws at us.

I think I need to suggest counselling. Then if I'm still not happy I guess I will have to consider separation.

If I didn't love him then it would be so much easier.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 21:07

Counselling is a good idea. Do you think he will agree ? he doesn't seem the type to spill his guts anytime soon.

Original poster
Snowberry86 · 25/04/2015 21:15

He will agree because he would do anything to try and save our marraige, he really does love me. But you are right he is unlikely to engage with it particularly well or talk much. It has to be worth a try though.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 21:17

Worth a try, if you love him and you are sure he loves you. Be wary of trying to change someone's basic personality though. It's the kind of thing one can keep up for only a short time, as your experience proves.

if you are fundamentally incompatible, best to not drag this out for too long if you are keen to start a family.