My DH doesn't talk to me

[Snowberry86]

About anything. We don't even have general day to day chit chat.

I'm not sure whether it's always been like this and I've never really noticed, or whether things have changed.

I feel like everything is a huge effort with him. I'm trying to book days out, weekends away to try and spend time together but when we do it feels like it's hard work. I love him, but I'm finding it difficult at the minute.

I've tried to talk to him about it but am not getting anywhere and I don't have anyone in real life I can talk to about it. My family all think we have the perfect marraige but I'm just not sure that it is.

Does anyone have any advice?

I know I've painted it as all doom and gloom but we do laugh sometimes, we do get along. We never fight, never argue, we live side by side very peacefully.

I think I'm just wanting that spark, that passion that longing to be with someone. I don't feel that for DH. I love him, but I know that's not enough.

Oh I really really feel for you. I've been married for 7 years to a very quiet, introverted man. At first he was steady, safe and kind to me. Now it's painful, incredibly lonely and slowly destroying me. I'm in therapy due to my painful lack of self esteem. My personality has died along with our marriage. The sad thing is we have 2 kids and this only made the situation worse.

Please don't make the same mistake I made in thinking it will get better, it's likely that it will get worse.

Good luck

You won't meet that person though if you stay with your husband.

I have a friend who is married (with a child) to a man who sounds a lot like your husband.

He works hard, is a devoted dad, financially generous, and there for her at the right moments. However, she admits that they have little to talk about. She finds him hard work, wishes he was more sociable, and that he would broaden his social circle. He doesn't like the whole talking about feelings "thing", and can be supportive but only to the point where he thinks enough is enough.

She is chatty and gregarious, and has a large and active friendship group. From the outside it all looks pretty good, and her Victor Meldrew of a husband is just a running joke.

However, I know that she is so lonely, and ensures her life is active and full to fill this void. As her friend I find her pain very difficult to see, but at her age and because of their child she has no plans to leave. She has admitted that given her time again she would not get married, and that really she is just settling.

I believe he is a good man, just with the wrong person. They both deserve so much more.

You're young, no children together. No time is a good time to leave a relationship, you'll still have to go through the bad times that will follow. But you will get through them, and look back and know that this was an easier time to leave, not 10 years hence with a couple of kids.

Good luck.

Just read Ginoccio's reply and wanted to say that it's great you managed to get yourself in recovery. It was very brave and I am so sorry your wife chose not to go through this with you.

Thanks everyone. My DH is definitely not depressed. I suffer from anxiety and desperation and have an eating disorder and I know I often find it difficult to start up conversation because of this. If in having a bad day I know I can be difficult to get much conversation from and so we work very well on these days.

But on my better days I want more from my marraige and more from my life.

And yet I am so scared of walking away from him. Of destroying our family, cutting all of his family from my life and him having to lose ties with mine. He doesn't have much family but mine treat him like one of their own and I know he would be lost without them.

How can he be a great father if he cant communicate. How's he gonna manage inane chit chat from his kids?

He's boring. I couldnt live without the chit chat.

What family would you be destroying exactly? It is not your job to provide a support network to someone who doesnt talk to you. And please don't bring kids into this tortured situation.

Do you think your anxiety, desperation and possible eating disorder is an effect of this odd relationship, rather than a cause? It is not saying alot that you get on better when you are anxious, desperate or unwell, is it?

I think he would communicate with the kids, he does with the children in our wider family.

I don't think it's that he is boring, i think we have just grown apart. He is more or less all I have ever known and I think I've just settled for something because it seemed the right thing to do. I love him because he his part of my family, I've known him so long and he is my safe place. But he doesn't make me jump with joy and happiness.

Yes, can you imagine the fun with 'tell your mother that the toilet needs a clean'. What larks Pip.

Yes, you have grown apart. Be the change you want, it is your choice to stay or go.

Your reasons for staying are more like the reasons for keeping a car, not for being in a marriage.

It wouldn't be like that! We do have a basic level of day to day communication about house things etc. We just don't have anything beyond that to say to each other.

I was in a relationship a bit like this, op. Lovely guy (genuinely, really lovely) but after several years together we drifted apart and he never spoke to me. I'm not someone who is needing to chat mindlessly all the time (I'm quite introverted) in fact sitting in companionable silence with a book is my idea of a pleasant few hours...but not being able to talk at all was awful. I felt alone, isolated and very down. It was like I was diminishing.

None of my friends really understood, the ones who'd split up with their partners did so because of seriously bad behaviour (the usual depressing cheating and beating.)

It took me a long time to finally work up to doing it, but I had to leave. It was an amicable split (very sad, but not bitter) and not once have I ever regretted it. Literally, never. He is happier with his new partner, with whom he shares an interest in a niche sport. I'm very happy with my new partner, with whom I can actually hold a conversation.

As soon as I left I felt better. Please don't stay in something that isn't great - it's not good for either of you. And please, whatever you do, don't have kids with him!

And snowberry, if you had a houseguest, you'd have basic chit chat about house things.

You both deserve better. I left my previous partner at a few years older than you - I'm now a million times happier, and so is my ex. I'm now married, first baby on the way.

Don't keep your life on a holding pattern for this man. Both of you deserve to be happy.

We just don't have anything beyond that to say to each other.

It's great to have house things to discuss. But if that is all it is...then all you share is your living space. Is that what you want for the rest of your life?

It's very telling that you say you would not be happy if it was just the two of you together forever.

If you aren't totally happy at the thought of just the two of you together, then you do not want to be in this relationship. It's just a habit to you now, but he's not someone that you actively want to be with. Both of you deserve better.

Would you be interested in speaking to a counselor about these feelings? They may take a little bit of work to unpack; a good therapist can help you with that. And it helps to clear your mind and get to the bottom of your feelings, when you're feeling unsure and stuck, as you are now.

Similar situation here to Skiptonlass'..and yours I guess. I was with someone from 21 - 33. Nice chap - we were generally happy but as time went on I became more and more down about our lack of communication. Like your DH, he was quiet and although we could talk about the mundane (ie what's for dinner) we would never TALK. He wouldn't dream of asking how my day was and if I asked, I'd get a grunt or non-committal answer back. We stayed together for so long for the same reasons you have - it just felt like we'd made our choices and so that was it, we were a couple! It also 'helped' that I had a lot of friends so would spend much if my free time with them (he'd be happy staying in and watching TV/gaming). Ultimately, despite me trying to get him to address the issue on so many occasions and then giving up, he met someone else, cheated on me and we split up. Separating our lives and finances etc was seismic and scary and sad. But it was absolutely the right thing to do for us both(even if he went about it the wrong way!). Five years later he's remarried (to OW), I met the love of my life and we have our amazing DD. I'm so pleased ex and I didn't have kids as we could have still trundled along together, neither of us happy but in too deep to do anything about it. Or he'd still have cheated, who knows? Either way, hard though it was, splitting was the best thing for us both. If you genuinely don't think he'll change, or you'll be happy with the status quo for the rest of your life then now is the time to do something about it.

Oh and the 'brother-sister' comment rang very loud bells for me - that's exactly how I felt. There's comfortable together, and there's so comfortable the 'couple' side of things have gone. It's where you're prepared to draw the line that's the question....