My DH doesn't talk to me

[Snowberry86]

About anything. We don't even have general day to day chit chat.

I'm not sure whether it's always been like this and I've never really noticed, or whether things have changed.

I feel like everything is a huge effort with him. I'm trying to book days out, weekends away to try and spend time together but when we do it feels like it's hard work. I love him, but I'm finding it difficult at the minute.

I've tried to talk to him about it but am not getting anywhere and I don't have anyone in real life I can talk to about it. My family all think we have the perfect marraige but I'm just not sure that it is.

Does anyone have any advice?

Good luck!

It's interesting reading everyone's responses.

My husband is very quiet. That's just his personality with everybody, combined with extremely long work days/exhaustion.

Sometimes before we go out I gently remind him to ask people questions to help him engage in discussion. Our silences are very comfortable though.

He's my rock and we adore each other. We have supported each other through so many difficult times. We talk about stuff but he struggles to psychoanalyse situations/looks in depth like I would with my close female friends. His brain works very differently. He's quite passive and accepting, while I'm more reflective and formative.

He is a doting and great father but having lots of young children has meant we have had even less time for each other! Our lives are very rich in many ways but we do need to make more time for each other. At the heart of things, we are a team but need to work a bit on communication.

Please give it a really good go! Can you look on amazon and buy sone books about communication.

No chit chat? Nothing? Do you ask any questions?
How was your day?
What did you do?
Anything good or bad happen?
Learn anything new?
How was work?
What are you reading?
Why?
What did you think about that film?

Sorry I don't understand - do you not ask each other questions or do you only give closed answers.

What various said. Marriage is work. Just be open that you that you think things could be better. What does he think? And can you work out a plan to improve together. Over the last 10 years DH and I have come on massively in our communication.

Are you compatible in other ways?
Do you have good sex?
Apparently if you are close in other ways you can work on communication.

Yes ladygoinggrey we have that basic level of chit chat. We always ask about each other's day and will sometimes comment on whatever is happening on TV.

It sounds like incompatible personalities to be honest.

I'm not a naturally talkative person, and I've been in relationships before where I felt like we just ran out of things to say to each other. But DH is a naturally chatty person, he really makes me laugh, we have a lot of mutual interests and I find him to be a genuinely interesting person (his views and knowledge of politics, current affairs etc). Our personalities just fit well together and I feel like we never run out of things to say to each other. It sounds like it's worth giving counselling a go, but I'm not sure he'll be able to change his personality.

What kind of friends does he have? What does he talk to them about? It sounds a bit Asperger's to me. I might be wrong, not a MH professional, obviously.

What's the point of the relationship, though, if there's no communication? And what is it about him that you love, when he doesn't speak?

You seem concerned with how you two come across to others, but if you did separate you might find some of your friends were quite open with you about your relationship.

You are thirty and he doesn't speak to you. He won't be speaking to you at 40 or 50 or 60 or 70, either - it will be a very long, lonely and boring life, won't it, if you're determined not to separate?

I would suggest reading the thread that is going currently about the silly/daft things that you and your oh do, might open your eyes regarding comparability. Don't settle for this, find your lobster. I wasted 13 years with someone I got along with, but couldn't really talk to in any meaningful way, don't be that person.

I was like this in the past. My ex used to get annoyed, just wanting me to say something.

Actually, I was suffering from depression. I spent the evenings sitting there analysing everything I was about to say, thinking "well that's not interesting; why would anyone want to listen to you talk about that?" Outwardly, it looked like I was dull & uninteresting, with nothing to say. Inwardly, I was in turmoil, believing that I was so worthless that I couldn't possibly have anything worthwhile to say, regardless of the subject.

Interestingly, I could still chat in the pub with friends - there were obvious things to talk about / social conventions, like the football match that we were watching, or whatever, so on those occasions I didn't have to think about what I was saying.

Eventually, we split up. It took a year of counselling (by myself - XW didn't want to get involved in that; as far as she was concerned I was broken & she wasn't interested any more) to really start to resolve the issues - and there was no major trauma in my life that had caused it.

Now that I've got past it, I chat with my DP all the time, we always have something to say to each other.

So don't necessarily write him off as just being boring. I'm not suggesting you have to just put up with it, but do explore whether there's anything deeper going on there before you give up on him.

Please give it a really good go!

Why on earth would you recommend that? What a waste of a life.

OP - it is your choice but you really only have one life. Life without another person might be terrifying at first but seriously - it's pretty good. None of this bollocks for a start. You are with the wrong person.

What is his dad like..do his family chat to each other. That may give you a picture of how he will be and whether you can cope with that or not. Do yet do any hobbies together that involve ye chatting about what happened. Sometimes in relationships one person is more the listener and they balance each other. Is he a good listener to you and others?

He definitely doesn't have aspergers.

His family was fairly large, his parents separated when he was 16- I don't know what his family life was like, he doesn't talk about it. He has little contact with his parents now really and doesn't speak to his extended family at all. He sees his sisters at birthdays and Xmas and that's all.

He has a good job with a level of responsibility and so he must be able to functional socially at work. He just doesn't seem to be able to find anything to have a conversation with me about and I'm the same with him. I just don't know what to say to him anymore. Feels like all I do is ask him to stop the daft songs as I work with kids all day and when I get home I can't be doing with another childish person.

My DH is very quiet. So much so that my friends call him 'the silent man'...

My sister once asked me why I was with him as he had 'zero personality', but we get on well.

He is just quiet by nature, his dad is the same, as is his uncles. They all can hold general chit chat but if you start a conversation with dh I can see him struggling to keep it going!
You could ask after his sick gran & he will reply, but would never think of asking how your ill parent was.

Dh is very intelligent, very practical and good at everything he does. He's a great daddy (though again, hands on with the kids, helps with homework) not so much of the heart to heart stuff.

You say you have the general day to day chit chat - what else do you want that isn't happening? It's ok to have silences where no-one is speaking, the sign of compatibility isn't non stop chatting!

Only one of my in laws is a chatty type of man (my sisters husband) and I get on very well with him, we have similar opinions, similar outlook on life, but we'd never survive as a couple! Lol

I feel for you, I really do. Dh & I acknowledge his quiet personality, it's never an elephant in the room. Like you, I know he loves me, he's a good, kind, caring man who takes his wedding vows seriously.

I wish you all the best

Please don't consider having a child with someone you can't talk to. You don't know what you're going to face - you need someone strong and who wants to know how you feel, how you are, what you believe in, to make a happy family home with a child.

Think of worst case scenarios - you might worry you can't get pregnant, you may worry about the health of your child - can you face those things with someone who won't talk to you? You would die inside.

As we have struggled to conceive I have tried talking to him about how i fee but he just isn't good at talking about feelings. He is very laid back and doesn't get worried about things so just says not to get stressed about it.

Eva- thank you for your responding- it is good to hear a positive. I think he does just have a quiet personality, I feel dreadful even considering ending things because I guess he has always been like this and I must have changed and decided I now want more from life.

We went shopping yesterday and out for lunch- afterwards I though I would have been just as happy doing that alone as I was with him. I don't really look forward to spending time with him because I guess I find it boring. But then I'm not the most exciting person either and so I wonder whether it is me not putting enough effort it.

Oh God - life is too short for this. If you can't have a laugh together and enjoy each other's company then really there is no hope for a long-term satisfying relationship.

Can ye get involved together in some activities so yeah have conversation.. Can ye get active or fired up about a cause or a charity or involved in a very active sport that would liven ye both up. Ye are so young..don't let yourself get boring either. It's a long life ahead..plan some adventure and see if that lights a spark.
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I do understand why so many people say I should leave him. I would say the same to someone else if they were unhappy.

It is just such a huge life changing decision and I have always been the sort of person that just goes through life fairly normally. No big dramas, no huge exciting things. Just a simple and quiet life.

We don't have any hobbies together. He likes football and plays twice a week with friends and watches the local team on Saturdays with his Dad. I like to shop and see my friends but don't really have a hobby. We both work long hours, get home at 7pm and then are both back on laptops 8-10pm ish working.

I know working so much is a factor in it but then I think if we really wanted to spend time together we would put them down and make plans. We could spend more time together if we prioritised, we just choose not too.

The thought of turning my life upside down really scares me. I keep going through phases, one minute I think yes it will be tough but I need to do it. The next I wonder how on earth I could even consider it and push it out of my mind. To be honest I think I have been doing this for years. I think deep down I have probably always known that this is how it is.

I don't think there's any point going to therapy OP.

You've given it your best shot already - 9 years of best shot.

There's a fundamental incompatibility here. I think you don't have much experience of other men as you've been together since you were so young, so you have nothing to compare it to.

Some people are quiet, and some people just don't have much to say or many interests to share. But this is not about being interesting: it's about being compatible. Some couples whom I would find very boring have masses to say to each other and have a lot of fun together.

Bottom line is - when relationships work they're easy - I don't mean that you don't have issues and difficulties to work through, but that the essential communication is easy, you get on well, have great laughs, look forward to seeing each other.

If you are actively avoiding him and are lost for conversation at this early stage, it's only going to get worse as you get older.

I think the struggle to conceive is a blessing in disguise and perhaps an indication that it's not meant to be.

For me the thought of being in this type of relationship for the rest of my life would be far more terrifying than starting again. Being young, free and single is fun exciting, you could explore whole new avenues in your life. You sound very stuck in a rut.

Don't let it drag on, not make a decision and then get stuck with him because you're afraid you've left it too late to find someone else to have children with. Seize the day.

Thank you Twinklestein- I know you are right. I just need to find the courage to do it.

I need to talk to my Mum and get some support with it so that my family know how I feel.

I agree with Twinklestein. PP's have said thing like their partners are similar but they're happy with it. The point is that you aren't happy with it. It sounds like such a waste of a life. FWIW my DH is fairly quiet, he's not at all outgoing and would probably be classes as an introvert. However we talk, laugh, joke together, go out together and make time for each other.

Snowberry, you sound stuck and conflicted.
Talking is a fundamental way for us to explore how we feel and whether we are on the same page as our partners.
I have empathy with your situation I have been with my partner for over 20 years and he has always find it that found it very difficult to talk.
I have tried talking with him but I've often found it's a monologue- me talking- him looking browbeaten and hounded.
The longer you go without being able to communicate the more you will find you lose yourself.
I have children with my partner. I am totally stuck and lost. I'm seeking counselling for myself so I can get my Compass back. I suggest you seek help to find out where you really are before you go on to have children. things become so much more complicated when you have a family together.
Shared ways of communicating become so much more important, if things stay as they are you may find yourself feeling more isolated in the relationship and more resentful as time goes on. Loving your partner is one thing but if the price for staying together is shut down then it will be a difficult and lonely compromise.