I think newname's and LastTango’s stories are really significant. Imho the change in attitude towards masturbation that we’ve seen from the 1960s and 70s onwards has been a good thing - and surely a particularly good thing for women? Not only has the idea that it is ‘self abuse’ or, worse, harmful - for both sexes - pretty much died out, I can’t help feeling that blokes going around full of sexual tension but refusing to wank on the grounds that it was wrong or sinful, must’ve put a lot of pressure on women in times gone by.
So, to the extent that porn facilitates the ‘letting off of steam’, I’m all for it. But the production of porn raises all sorts of issues of consent & human rights. And the consumption of porn in industrial quantities raises issues of psychological health. Put simply, does no-one have an imagination left? In my boyhood, porn was unavailable, so I would simply picture sexy happenings to turn myself on, and I still do. Yes, i’ve ‘used’ porn - the curiosity factor is irresistible - but I must say, after the initial amazement factor wears off, lots of it can seem rather lacklustre and VERY repetitive. The actors pull the most cliched faces, make the same old sounds and supposedly ‘sexy’ moves and give the camera the same old come-hither looks, gah.
Sure, husbands and boyfriends wish their wives and girlfriends would do x, y or z in bed - I’m not excluding myself from that. But men have to try harder not to reduce sex to a series of moves, techniques or ‘favours', not least because it’s not usually the way their partners want to conduct things sexually. I think fantasy is a great way to vary sex, to keep it new and exciting - and I’m far from saying that porn can’t play a part in that. But, as others have said, you have to look carefully if you don’t want to trawl through a ton of frankly dispiriting stuff.
As far as the OP’s problem is concerned, her OH does sound pretty much addicted, but he does seem to have a high sex drive (sex ‘only’ 1-2 times a week after 20 years? Yes, please). I’d say most men have the capacity to combine a ‘real’ sex life with porn and masturbation; they know they have fantasies their partners are unlikely to share or indulge, and they’re happy to deal with that themselves, as it were. But, OP, it sounds like there were already problems - the EA - and your discovery of all this porn use is somehow all the harder to deal with. Plus, it’s older women - you don’t say how old - and that sounds like a big part of the problem. One of the many problems with porn is that it somehow normalises men of any age looking at nubile young women, yet any hint of mature women being viewed - begins to hint at granny-porn perversion.
I think this is what disturbs you, so you have to have it out with him. It would be one thing if he was viewing pictures of women wearing, for example, sexy underwear, and you might be able to agree to indulge that particular fetish. But this sounds outside of those bounds. Do you think the whole ‘frequency’ aspect, i.e. how often he uses porn vis-a-vis how often you have sex, might actually not be the issue so much as the fact of it and the nature of it? You’re thinking, how can he have sex with me and then immediately start looking at these much older women? My guess is that he will say he ‘compartmentalises’ the two activities - and he may well be able to in the sense of enjoying both. You need to decide whether you can put up with it - and if no, whether he could give it up. Part of that answer might be found at sexual counselling of some kind. The bottom line is, in a relationship if something is a problem for one person then it’s a problem for both. Possibly, one compromise would be to shift the balance so that he had sex with you more often and used porn less, with a view to phasing it out entirely eventually.