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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone feel like they are mismatched intellectually & common sense with partner?

71 replies

MrsTruper · 25/04/2015 11:06

Sometimes I feel like tearing my hair out, as my partner just seems well.. a bit dumb!?

He makes stupid mistakes, and often looks to me for guidance. Some examples:

He will get dinner ready for 6 when we discussed 7
He will duplicate tasks, when they could have been done together eg go to shops twice
He doesnt seem to know basic stuff eg how the Council works, about how mortgages work etc.....
When I asked him to use a diary because he was disorganised, he said - how do I know what to do - where did you learn it?
Even with guy stuff like DIY he will start a job then I will point something out and he will say "oh, yes - I didn't think of that"

Am I with the wrong man? Or am I intolerant?

OP posts:

SecretRed · 25/04/2015 11:10

Oh yes. I live with a man like this and often feel the same as you. It's very frustrating. I'll be Watching this thread With interest.

missqwerty · 25/04/2015 11:14

I think your been a bit mean to be honest! Love is to accept and grow together, so show him the way don't judge him. At least he's trying, to call him dumb is awful and very judgemental

popalot · 25/04/2015 11:15

He is who he is. Maybe you're a little bit....well, controlly? I say that because I know I can be (a bit anxious) and get annoyed at very similar things. I like things done my way because it is routine and he has another way of doing it. I organise everything and he quite often forgets, has some issues with DIY even after I've given my 'advice' and does not get timings at all when it comes to tea. I am learning to have more patience and accept different people do things different ways (not so quickly and efficiently as me....!!!). Don't mean to be harsh, but just take a deep breath and love him for being laid back x

newstart15 · 25/04/2015 11:20

I think if you feel he is dumb then you should end the relationship. It would be truly awful and damaging for any person to live with a partner who thinks they are not equal to them. He may have different strengths to you.

If he is an adult he's unlikely to change significantly and not all relationships are meant to be, perhaps he was right for you at a certain time in your life but not now.

Do you have children together? If not I would end the relationship, it doesn't look like either of you will be happy in the long term.

If he is an adult he's unlikely to change signifcantly

Vivacia · 25/04/2015 11:21

This isn't a very kind or respectful reaction to someone you claim to love.

Bakeoffcake · 25/04/2015 11:23

Are you perfect then OP?

Offred · 25/04/2015 11:24

Depends on how much the things matter to you and how it affects the balance of the relationship. People usually learn things by doing them so if you helicopter parent him he might never learn. That said if he isn't an equal in the relationship this can become a serious problem, not necessarily his fault but actually just reality. Left a marriage like this - him being helpless and not being able to do simple things like dealing with his work and phoning utility companies to sort out money they owed us really, really wore me down. Not the only problem but was definitely the icing on the cake!

Bakeoffcake · 25/04/2015 11:24

By the way, yes my DH sometimes does things which might annoy me as I would do them so much better but I'm sure I annoy him at times.

LimeFizz · 25/04/2015 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nocutsnobuttsnococonuts · 25/04/2015 11:32

everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.

my dp is totally useless with anything in the household (bills, money, diy) but I like things my way so just do it myself. I get frustrated sometimes but just accept thats the way he is.

However he laughs at my lack of common knowledge and common sense. I don't really take much notice of world events or the news. and sometimes don't always think before I speak

we love each other and accept each others downfalls! I think together we kind of cover all bases except diy where we are both pretty crap

jelliebelly · 25/04/2015 11:33

Doesn't sound like there's much mileage in this relationship. You're never going to change him so put up or shut up would be my advice..

Vivacia · 25/04/2015 11:34

He should be in a position to be with someone who respects him and who loves him for who he is.

usualsuspect333 · 25/04/2015 11:38

He is with the wrong woman.

Original poster

MrsTruper · 25/04/2015 11:39

We have one child - that is the only reason we are still together.

What Offred says 'him being helpless and not being able to do simple things like dealing with his work and phoning utility companies to sort out money they owed us really, really wore me down'.......That is so like it is for me...it really grinds me down as I think the balance is totally wrong ie parent/child.

OP posts:

NightsOfGethsemane · 25/04/2015 11:40

I think he would be better off with someone who actually respects him.

You sound very dismissive. What person in a genuinely fulfilled relationship would ever dream of calling their partner 'dumb'?

If this is how you feel, it's really not going to last it it? End it.

Yeasayer · 25/04/2015 11:41

Perhaps he realises that you think he's 'dumb' & now he's so bloody nervous of making a mistake it's become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Maybe try a bit of encouragement & confidence boosting and see where that gets you.

TopOfTheCliff · 25/04/2015 11:48

I lived with a genius boffin who was far cleverer than me on paper, but he was disorganised, messy and late. I took pride in organising his life and enabling him to further his career while I ran a hotel service for him. It worked for him professionally but it corroded my soul and I got bitter and resentful that I was doing everything at home while also raising DC and working in my own professional career. It fell apart eventually.

OP what are his strengths? What does he bring to your life? Does he make you laugh/the earth move or something else that justifies his being an extra child for you to look after?

Trills · 25/04/2015 11:50

From your original question - I think you are with the wrong man.

thisisnow · 25/04/2015 11:57

My OH is like this but he has other qualities which I don't that means I can overlook it. Plus organisation comes easy to me whereas I can tell he struggles with it.

Twinklestein · 25/04/2015 12:36

Maybe he is a bit stupid OP?

Jux · 25/04/2015 12:49

The only reason you are together is your child?

If that really is the case, then leave him. Your child will benefit far more from having separated parents with happy lives, than living with both who are deeply unhappy and frustrated.

Do you have any respect for him? (genuine question.) If not, then go.

Casimir · 25/04/2015 12:54

It is very easy to find fault. Find a good thing in him. if you can't, then leave, he deserves better.

Joysmum · 25/04/2015 13:00

DH and I specialise in different areas. He's good and some things, I am at others. We're both useless at certain things too.

We'd be very unhappy if we looked at each other and only saw the weaknesses.

Specialising and dividing up responsibilities works well for us and we don't tread on each other's toes.

MerdeAlor · 25/04/2015 13:04

Sounds like a poor relationship OP. No respect, you think hes dumb, youre only with him for the kids. Owch.
Time to let it go.

hugoagogo · 25/04/2015 13:04

poor bloke.

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