Anyone feel like they are mismatched intellectually & common sense with partner?

[MrsTruper]

Sometimes I feel like tearing my hair out, as my partner just seems well.. a bit dumb!?

He makes stupid mistakes, and often looks to me for guidance. Some examples:

He will get dinner ready for 6 when we discussed 7
He will duplicate tasks, when they could have been done together eg go to shops twice
He doesnt seem to know basic stuff eg how the Council works, about how mortgages work etc.....
When I asked him to use a diary because he was disorganised, he said - how do I know what to do - where did you learn it?
Even with guy stuff like DIY he will start a job then I will point something out and he will say "oh, yes - I didn't think of that"

Am I with the wrong man? Or am I intolerant?

PA is very confusing and hard to deal with. The less attentive thing is maybe a red herring. Eg. last weekend DH and I had to go to two places. First one he parked in front of a fire hydrant and I had to say something. Second one he parked in front of someone's drive/ garage and again, I had to say something. But did he do it consciously? Would he have done it if I hadn't been there? I can't get my head around it. OP, if this is the kind of thing your DH does then you have a tough row to hoe.

A relationship should make you happy. It should add to your life. This relationship obviously isn't.

Drmorbius - it was me who said that. In my case it was that it was from his rental and I couldn't sort it, only he could. In any case, having lived on his own from 18-30 my ex clearly could speak to utility companies. When we began living together he suddenly couldn't anymore and I felt it should have been a joint responsibility not mine alone. All the bills had to be in my name, things like his car/motorbike/mobile phone he either had me or his mother sorting out. The house we lived in was in his name only yet he apparently 'couldn't' sort any of the things to do with the mortgage and left me to do it for a house that I had no direct legal interest in and which I am now walking away from with nothing. Judgey much? Yes lack of respect is bad in a relationship but tbh if someone doesn't respect you enough to do basic things that share the burden of running a household how can you respect them?

And yes my ex is hugely PA. Took me a while to realise it but he is.

when we separated I even had to find him somewhere to move to and sort his money out for him. With mine it is his way of making sure I'm always to blame for everything and he doesn't have to take responsibility for things. He is more than capable, lacks confidence and is insecure but that's not my problem and quite frankly I got sick of him making it into my problem all the time.

offred I remember your massively frustrating threads about how much you mothered and enabled him, and MN tried every which way to get you to see this and to stop doing it

are you any more disengaged from him than back then ? < hopeful >

Mrs I have no solutions - often think about leaving -I think it would do him good to take responsibility for himself again.
I just keep to the 'I don't know' and trying not to remind him constantly about things and be gentle if he forgets but make it clear it isn't acceptable. And not get angry.
And it is slightly better (the other day he had to pick DD2 up from school - I left a note but phoned at about 2.45 to further remind him - he answered with a silly voice - I asked how he knew it was me - he said he had been waiting for me to call...he knew I would and I didn't need to - I think that is some kind of progress.)

I looked at the links the PA thing I don't think is my DP but the executive function one... completely relate.

I suspect he has ADHD (my DD1 has just been diagnosed at 14 and filling the home assessment part made my jaw drop it could have been a description of DP).
But I think I may well have it too... I function ok but find some things incredibly difficult and have things in place to help me. And I try not to beat myself up too much about things.
He was functioning - but I think he has stopped and just doesn't try anymore...because it is hard and he knows I will look out for him.

Living with a man who's PA will eventually crush every dream you have. He works out what you want and need, and then thwarts you. Then when you're upset (and expressing the anger he won't admit he has), he denies/ acts baffled/ excuses. After years of trying to stand up for yourself with 'Mr. Nice' and getting nowhere, being on an emotional starvation diet and feeling like the biggest bitch in the world, you internalize it and stop believing you deserve anything for yourself. That link I posted gives exhaustive steps for how to deal with a PA partner but IME it is not worth it.

AF - we've been living separately for 18 months and I'm moving out of the FMH this coming week after finally having a rental application accepted (today)!!!

whoopee

and he sorts his own finances and wipes his own arse, yeah ?

Oh, that whoopee looks sarcastic

not meant

it was a genuine whoopee !!!

Ha ha! Yes, I've had nothing to do with his money since I sent him on his way. He pays his own rent/bills etc and funnily enough has been able to sort out flexible working so he can see more of the kids since we split... He 'absolutely couldn't' think of doing this when we were together and I was going insane being out of work. I've been doing voluntary work since we split and will finish my degree next year in June. Much happier though living in 'his' house has been awful and I had nearly given up hope of moving after so many LL would not even let me view houses over the last 18 months. Feels like a new beginning!

sorry for the derail OP!

there are so many similarities in my situation to unlucky83 and Offred and somethingmorepositive....the parking in front of the garage situation! The endless reminders! To some it might seem minor but if you have ever lived with someone who is like this on a daily basis - it does turn you into a grump after a while.

I have been told to step back and let him step up to the plate but he doesn't. Funny though, we were talking about him leaving and his response 'ok, but I will have to plan it'. PLAN IT? Whenever has he planned anything? See what happens.

This reminds me of a situation today. My DC potty training wet herself so as I was BF the little DC, he stripped her and then asked where her clean pants were. I got annoyed and said where do you think they are, the drawers? the clean washing basket? or her change bag.? It resulted in an argument and he said I was rude. Yes probably. But I get so frustrated with stupid questions?!

OP, this sounds like my sis and BIL.

He is ASD, has some degree of dyspraxia, is dyslexic, had a very strange upbringing, and has suffered some loss of cognitive function due to seizures brought on by him mismanaging his diabetes.

He was incapable of sorting out pretty much anything. It was, for my sis, like having a giant child to look after, and given that she didn't want children anyway, hugely exhausting and disappointing.

A few years ago she started doing what she calls "BIL Independence Training" where she gives him tasks to sort out on his own - and rewards him on a sticker chart.

I realise this sounds totally patronising for a grown man, however he has actually revelled in it and in the last couple of years especially has started being so much more of an adult, he's almost unrecognisable.

This was a man who didn't know how to register with a doctors or how to pay a council tax bill or umpteen other everyday tasks - he is now taking part in a hobby which means he goes away about once every two months, deals with all the travelling on his own, books his own tickets, finds his own way there (he is appalling with maps, probably because of the dyslexia) and has been able to make future arrangements about things (a massive deal since he never had any grasp of planning before.)

Do you still love your DP, or has it all trickled away in frustration? If there's any hope, he will have to accept that his lack of ability to do anything is seriously impacting on you and your DC, and that he has to address it, as scary and difficult as it may seem.

If he won't accept this, and is really living in cloud cuckoo land, then for the sake of your mental health and of your DC, you may have to separate.

OP I completely relate to everything you've said. I feel much the same. Everyone saying "you should end it if that's how you feel" is probably right but it just feels so hard when you've got DC. Ridiculously, a factor in not ending it is worrying about him and how he'd cope (he's so bad with money, bills, time keeping etc).

Tbh I think you need to free yourselves from the worrying! I came to the conclusion long ago that my ex's apparent lack of ability was just his way of expressing his feelings of entitlement. When he married his wife he expected his wife to do wifework and was too much of a Nice Guy to be overt about it.