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Original poster

Anyone feel like they are mismatched intellectually & common sense with partner?

71 replies

MrsTruper · 25/04/2015 11:06

Sometimes I feel like tearing my hair out, as my partner just seems well.. a bit dumb!?

He makes stupid mistakes, and often looks to me for guidance. Some examples:

He will get dinner ready for 6 when we discussed 7
He will duplicate tasks, when they could have been done together eg go to shops twice
He doesnt seem to know basic stuff eg how the Council works, about how mortgages work etc.....
When I asked him to use a diary because he was disorganised, he said - how do I know what to do - where did you learn it?
Even with guy stuff like DIY he will start a job then I will point something out and he will say "oh, yes - I didn't think of that"

Am I with the wrong man? Or am I intolerant?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 25/04/2015 13:06

Bin him off then and find someone who is your intellectual equal

< eye roll >

Sickoffrozen · 25/04/2015 13:11

I think the responses are harsh.

People grow from when they first met, some more than others.

Sounds like you have grown apart.

Too many people settle rather than find someone who is an equal on all levels.

whitsernam · 25/04/2015 13:12

If you can't love your partner whole-heartedly (is that a word?) then let him go, so he can find someone who does love him that way. You'll both be happier. I am very attracted to high intelligence people, and would find this situation unlivable, so could not live with someone like you describe. He can still be a good father, if he makes the effort.

The movie "Boyhood" might interest you. The mom in it is very smart, but even she gets involved with the "wrong" man, and more than once; yet the son comes out an admirable young man in the end.....

Flowers
diddl · 25/04/2015 13:15

I think we all forget things at time.

I can see how it would be wearing though.

Are you just fed up with the relationship & are picking at this?

If you feel as if you are constantly having to pick up after him, I couldn't live with that.

But do you really have to?

ovumahead · 25/04/2015 13:19

My dh can be a bit of a bozo at times, it's hilarious. But underneath that idiotic exterior, he's extremely clever. This is why I can shrug off the dim moments. However, my previous long term relationship died a death primarily because he was a bit too thick. I actually think he may have had some neurological issues because his mother quite proudly drank a fair amount of alcohol every day during her pregnancy with him, and he was 3 months premature. He used to read the Sun and Andy McNab was his idea of reading a book. I just couldn't cope so I left...

Thenapoleonofcrime · 25/04/2015 13:23

I do know at least two couples who are really not intellectually matched and yes, it does cause problems sometimes, however in both cases, I think they do appreciate each other's qualities and also have the will to keep the relationship going. If you don't have that, you really don't have much of a basis.

However, I can't say doing the dinner for 6 instead of 7 seems like a major intellectual issue to me, that seems very precise and in our household, it might happen any time between 5.30 and 9 at night, and no-one gets blamed for the lack of keeping on schedule, but my husband is from the Med and they are much more relaxed about time-keeping and food than in the UK. If one of us goes to the shops, and the other does too and we get some duplicate stuff, we just laugh about it.

The main issues are that you feel he is like a child in relation to household tasks like bills (which you need to decide if you can do and not feel resentful) and that you don't appear to like him or have affection for him, this is highly corrosive to a relationship and wouldn't be fixed by an IQ jump even if that was the issue, which I'm not sure it is.

CrabbyTheCrabster · 25/04/2015 13:25

Sounds like issues with executive function, rather than intelligence.

What are his good points?

SaucyJack · 25/04/2015 13:31

Sort of. DP has no common sense, and seems to get confused by the most mundane of tasks. I get baffled by his bafflement.

But he managed to get a degree in philosophy in his yoof, so there's obviously a brain in there somewhere just very well hidden.

Skiptonlass · 25/04/2015 13:50

What attracted the two of you in the first place? Is that factor still there?

One thing research into relationship dynamics shows is that contempt is corrosive. Couples videoed chatting to/about each other were monitored for positive statements , neutral ones and contemptuous ones. Contempt was the biggest factor in whether they were still together five years on.

Both my husband and I are science PhDs, and we are both smart people, who, like all people, are great at some stuff and useless at other stuff. Im clumsy and sometimes absent minded, for example. But I feel we are equally matched in many ways and complement each other. I've dated less smart guys in the past and honestly, that worked ok too. Ignorance is a deal breaker for me, but that's not the same as not being really clever, it's more of a mindset.

As soon as you lose that mutual respect for each other you're doomed. You don't respect him, that's obvious from your post. I think both of you would be happier with people who do respect them.

unlucky83 · 25/04/2015 13:53

How long have you been together?
Have you done everything up to now?
I have a similar thing with my DP. He is not stupid. He looked after himself from a very young age and has managed to travel around the world etc. This isn't the country of his birth, it isn't his mother tongue.
When we first got together his English was good but not fantastic - so he got me to talk to people (like banks etc) for him. He also had a business and worked long hours so I did everything around the house, for DCs etc -as well as all the admin/legal/financial side of his business.
I do 'know' more than he does about how things work, how to do things, am more computer savvy etc - but now he expects me to know everything and do everything for him. I read/was told about how this can be quite common, a person becoming childlike, dependent.
I am now working on refusing to do things for him - saying 'I don't know' or 'no reason why you can do that yourself' etc. He gets angry and says if we were in his country (his English is now almost native level) or if he could do something to 'help' me he would do it. But I am very independent - I work things out for myself if I need to - I never need to ask him for help. (I do also like to be in control...)
It is very draining to be the sole adult in a relationship and also you do lose respect for them. I cling to the fact that it will improve with time - we didn't get here overnight ...change will take time.
A good eg he needed a new passport - 10yrs ago he went off to the consulate and came back with one. This time he couldn't even book an appt at the right consulate (I had to cancel and remake one) and even though I dropped lots of hints about being sure he took everything he needed with him he didn't. (And it was all in his mother tongue). He couldn't even work out how to get there without my help.
I am making him renew his own car insurance - he used to do it before we were together - first time I made him phone he couldn't use a debit card over the phone Confused - but I'm sure he used to be able to.
He can't buy things off Ebay - I've shown him, helped him (DC has helped him!) but he thinks he can't - when he can. Same with using his email...
His dependency mentality (and maybe my full on in control personality) has knocked his self-confidence.
Hopefully we can get over this - but sometimes I do think we would both be better off apart - as when he does something 'stupid' (like the consulate appt thing) and I am expected to sort it out I lose my patience with him -which can't help his confidence....Sad

Original poster
MrsTruper · 25/04/2015 13:54

I have asked to separate, but he doesn't want to. He is endlessly positive about our relationship, it's almost like he is in a parallel universe.

OP posts:
somethingmorepositive · 25/04/2015 13:57

I do feel as though people are being a little harsh. How long have you been together? If he's just more relaxed than you about certain things, that's something you can try to work out together. But it's possible he's actually passive aggressive, which is actually a type of control. Eg. my DH will play dumb all day every day if that's what it takes not to discuss something he doesn't want to discuss, or "forget" something we have talked over at length and agreed on. But when we recently had a discussion about splitting up, he was suddenly extremely sharp about all our finances and several steps ahead of me. It was like talking to a normal person after dealing with a cloud of fog for years. If you sense your DH is actually capable but is being PA and manipulative to avoid contributing, then I understand your frustration.

momb · 25/04/2015 13:59

DH and I have a mismatched relationship. He is a completer finisher whereas I'm full of ideas that I need him to help me carry off. He's interested in, and knowledgeable about, lots of things which I just don't seem to have room in my head for.

I organise and plan, he actually does. I get stressed, procrastinate, and work to deadlines, he just cracks on.
I am more intellectual, more organised, more stressed. He is more practical, more emotionally intelligent, more tidy.
We complement each other really well.
If I didn't see his strengths (or rather recognise my weaknesses) I could have put a similar thread to yours OP. Have you really got to the point where you can't see his strengths at all? Why did you get together in the first place? You must have seen something there.

hidingfromthem · 25/04/2015 14:03

i would bin him.
i had one like that and i gave up on him in the end.

you don't have to 'ask' him for a separation.
make your own arrangements to make that separation happen.

Original poster
MrsTruper · 25/04/2015 14:03

lots of intersting posts, thank you, I am reading all of them.

OP posts:
somethingmorepositive · 25/04/2015 14:03

I have that parallel universe feeling with DH as well. I have told him how unhappy I am and his response is bafflement. "I thought things were going better." I would suggest you read up on passive aggression. Does anyone in his family use this behavior to get his/ her way? Etc.

Vivacia · 25/04/2015 14:15

People grow from when they first met, some more than others.

Yes, but they don't grow dumb.

OP you don't need his permission or acquiescence to separate from him.

Original poster
MrsTruper · 25/04/2015 14:40

I can see his strengths, but I feel they are dwarfed too frequently by me picking up pieces in the relationship because he either 'missed it' or 'forgot' or 'didn't know' or 'didn't realise'. After a row he will be better for a week or so - almost as if he is more intelligent, more 'on it'.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 25/04/2015 14:43

You "obvious" superior intellect didn't help you much to detect your partners failings. Or did they just sprout from nowhere.

Also you state " phoning utility companies to sort out money they owed us really, really wore me down'" So why is that your partners job? or do you mean you didn't like it and would prefer to offload it elsewhere???

somethingmorepositive · 25/04/2015 14:48

www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm

Original poster
MrsTruper · 25/04/2015 14:52

unlucky83 your post sounds like I lived it!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsTruper · 25/04/2015 14:57

unlucky83 but my DP has mother tongue English! Been together 10 yrs btw, and I haven't done everything up until now (he does tasks but often they go pear shaped)

OP posts:
Blazing88 · 25/04/2015 15:01

Hmm. I'm definitely 'brighter' than my husband. He can be quite dumb at times, and occasionally I do lose the plot with him about it.

BUT there are many other things that I love to death about him. We can't all be boffins. I feel deep down that if he'd have been given a better education and support from his parents, he may well have ended up more intelligent. He actually has a much better long term memory than I do.

He is the same though. Incapable of doing things that normally a man would do. When we sold our house, i dealt with the solicitor and the estate agent. I'm just considerably better on the phone than he is. At times it really annoys me. But he has lots of other good qualities that make up for it.

It's to what extent his other qualities don't keep you interested I guess!

Original poster
MrsTruper · 25/04/2015 15:02

Gosh! I checked the passive aggressive and the executive function links. There are lots of similarities to him.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 25/04/2015 15:02

Would it be more accurate to say that he is attentive than you, rather than less intelligent? Or "dumb" as you prefer.

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