Are the odds against women finding a good partner aged 35+?

[Datingonline]

Ok, so I am divorced have DC and most friends are settled down. Opportunities to meet new people are not as great as when I was in my 20s. Fair enough. But, I have also come to the conclusion that good, fully functional men are in the minority and are likely to be already settled down?

Looking at these boards it's easy to see that there is a high number of men out there who are immature, selfish, irresponsible, unfaithful, emotionally abusive, commitment phobes etc. I don't think it's sexist to say that there are nowhere near as many women with these traits.

So by probability there are going to be a number of women who will have to stay single if they choose not to be in a crap relationship? Just thinking out loud, would be interested to hear others' thoughts.....

I don't think it's impossible to find Mr or Mrs right at any age. Sure there is a lot of dross about and you do need to maintain your standards.
I think setting out with the idea of meeting someone for fun probably works best. Then only settle down if he meets your standards.

Maybe I am different in that I don't see settling for second best as an option. Treat em mean n keep em keen always seems to work.

As an aside I really wish more women would stop settling for the dross and raise their expectations. That said I look back on my marriage and think wtf was I doing putting up with that.
When my marriage ended I knew that I wanted the best from a man. No more washing the smelly clothes for me, unless I was treated like the only woman on earth.

Make sure you do things you enjoy doing , don't look for someone else to fulfil you.

You will be better off and hopefully you will meet your Mr right.

Eustasiavye hear hear...

"Looking at these boards it's easy to see that there is a high number of men out there who are immature, selfish, irresponsible, unfaithful, emotionally abusive, commitment phobes etc."

A lot of these men are already in relationships with the posters posting about them.

I agree with you 100%.

The good men are taken and stay taken by their savvy wives.

I think you have a reasonable chance of meeting someone later in life if you are independent, prepared to compromise and have no children or grown up kids.

I really don't think treat em mean keep em keen is a good way to go Eastasiavye. How about treat people the way you would like to be treated?

I started seeing someone briefly who thought that was a good way to go, let's just say she's gone .
OP there are lovely men out there I'm sure, it's ashame there's so many bad ones to surf through but a good one will come along eventually I'm sure

I met my DP at 43. He is my soulmate, I love him like I've never loved another man. I'd managed to leave an EA relationship with 3 DCs. Swore I'd never live with another man let alone marry one. I'm getting married this year.

Don't go looking for love, don't compromise, protect yourself, date as an adventure and not as finding 'the one'. Don't judge all men on past experiences. If OD go by how you get on rather than a pretty picture, I didn't think I'd fancy him when we met - I now think he is the most beautiful man I've ever seen. Make sure 'he' has a good relationship with friends/family, make sure you're on the same wavelength. It does happen. Don't play games, don't let yourself be played.

They are out there!

Everyone on this planet has some flaws. Unless you are the exception op. The one posted about on other threads who are abusive are exceptional. Most men, like most women , are normal and have some habits you will have to learn to live with. If you really can't compromise, you may be happier on your own. And as a mother of adult sons my heart sinks at the treat em mean line.

I can't really see why you would assume there are less 'good, fully functioning' men than women.

These boards wouldn't show a fair sample. People are only posting if they have problems. Hardly ever does anyone post just to say what a great relationship they have. Also you are only getting one side.

I have just been consoling my 35 year old, male work colleague after his broken engagement. He too was feeling that at 35 he has no chance of a decent long term relationship and was wanting all the same things women want ie a long term partner, someone to settle down and have kids with. He appears to me to be a decent, attractive, funny, solvent guy. True he does want his own kids and would be put off by someone who already had children and I expect that will be true of many people of both sexes.

I think there will be less single, eligible people in their 30s than their 20s just statistically but can't see why they'd be mainly women.

Men don't have the fertility limit that women have and are more easily able to have a relationship with someone younger. Those are the bits that are unfair.

I think a lot depends on how attractive you are to be honest.

That, and how HARD you try to get a partner. And how much bullshit you are prepared to put up with.

Compromising doesn't mean being bored rigid, or being told what you think as my last bf told me, and proceeded to be martyred about what it was he told me I was thinking. I just can't fix anybody. That's not 'not compromisinng'. It is realising that you're worth more.

If and when I ever meet somebody I'm attracted to who is attracted to me and who can behave in a reasonable way and resolve disagreements without resortinng to manipulation, then I've no boundaries.

As the mother of a son and a daughter I worry far more about my daughter.

Boys these days, all watching porn and treating the girls intheir class like free prostitutes. It is so worrying.

ps, I don't know who made the original comment about there just being fewer men than women, but yes, I agree.

I think that more men than women are gay. I think more men than women have autism spectrum disorders (that make a relationship less likely).

Men only look to younger women for a partner and that means that by the time you get to my age you have to be prepared to date down. I'm not. That's not "not being prepared to compromise" as another poster put it. It's knnowing your worth.

Saying that about men only wanting younger partners, the closest thing Ive had to a real relationship was with a younger man, however he was the one who started to tell me what I was thinking at 2 am. I cannot have that.

"Men don't have the fertility limit that women have and are more easily able to have a relationship with someone younger. "

Realistically though, I (and most men probably?) would want a woman close to my age; no more than about 5/6 years younger maximum. I'd want people to know she was my other half and not my daughter that I'm taking out for pizza.

True.

Dunno if that's just a line to make you popular on mumsnet Mademan, but yes, that's a good benchmark, I wouldn't even want to date a man who was vain enough to want to date a younger woman that bystanders suspected might be his daughter.

I think men think they have their whole life ahead of them to choose a partner and then they face forty round the corner and realise that actually the women in their late 20s and early 30s don't 'see' them.

I saw it happen to a lovely friend of mine. He is 47. He had too much choice when he was younger and now, he wants a family but he's not attractive to the young women he wants to be attractive to. He might find one. But he's gone from having all the choice in the world (so it seemed to me) to having to find women who are just young enough to have a child inn a couple of years but not so young that he disgraces himself chasing after them. We have laughed about it.

Statistically, yes the odds are against women finding a "good" partner at 35+, if by "good" you mean "one with similar educational achievements, and socio-economic status".

This interesting (and long) article discusses it, for example.

That doesn't mean it's impossible at the individual level, of course.

But at the macro level, the cohort of women in their 30s is really beginning to diverge from the cohort of men in their 30s, in terms of what they have achieved in life, and therefore what they are looking for in terms of an equivalent partner.

I met my fully functional, domesticated, intelligent, lovely other half in my mid thirties when I had given up in ever finding a decent chap. They are out there ! Nil desperandum .... :)

From a single man who has been on MN for, I think, two years or so.

"Treat em mean n keep em keen always seems to work."

Might work for you. For me, as a man, puts me off. I'm looking to meet someone decent, not be messed around with or play teenage games.

"I think you have a reasonable chance of meeting someone later in life if you are independent, prepared to compromise and have no children or grown up kids."

I'm independent. Only have a couple of absolute dealbreakers, have no "types". I have no children, small or grown up. I'm 41. Single for 5 years after a 10-year relationship.

"Men only look to younger women for a partner and that means that by the time you get to my age you have to be prepared to date down."

Not true. My ex was 10 years older than me when we met, was with her for 10 years. Looks may attract but it's a similar outlook on life, views, interests that keeps a relationship going. You stay with someone on the same wavelength, and that isn't age specific.

"Dunno if that's just a line to make you popular on mumsnet Mademan..."

Good choice of username, Sanctimonious. It's attitudes like that which help give the OP the opinion - along with others - that there are very few decent men out there, which is simply not true. The problem is forums like this - while they have many great things - also tend to be full of sweeping generalisations.

I don't think men have monopoly on undesirable character traits. I think they're an equal opportunities thing. Rather than generalise, I think you might be better off prioritising what you want in a partner as the 'don't want' list could be completely exclusive

People break up for lots of reasons.
Just because a man has had an unsuccessful marriage / relationship isn't a reason to right him off.
Just like a woman shouldn't be written off for the same reason.
I know quite a few lovely men who have found themselves single after a marriage has broken down normally down to the pressures of young children or just both people changing over time and not really working anymore
I would think what makes it harder to meet people as you get older and have a family is that you have less time to socialise outside the family unit.

my mum got with her husband when she was 37 she has 4 children. at the time we were 18, 15, 13 and 5.
8 years on they are married and have a fantastic relationship my kids call my stepdad granddaddy . he doesn't have his own children and knew when he got with my mum that it wasn't an option. he wasn't bothered as he sees us as his (well close enough for someone who doesn't have children iyswim)

anyway what I am trying to say is it is possible to find someone later in life. my step dad is awesome. I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for his help through some very tough times.

It does get harder to meet someone as you get older. But don't compromise. I see some women going out with men who are nowhere as eligible as they are.

It never ceases to amaze me that there are huge numbers of 44-45 men online dating, who have never had a long term relationship, don't have kids and want to meet someone aged 31 or 32 max who wants children. It's like shopping for a brood mare

IME men who are in their 40s and looking for a serious partner want change/interest/excitement - what they really don't want is same-old.

So, for all those 35+ women marketing themselves as future life partner material, remember to target men for whom you provide added value and interest.

I'm in my late 40s and single. All I can say is yes it is difficult to meet a good man. IME they either want younger women, have already been married and want to play the field or are just bloody dysfunctional.

However if you just want to have 'fun' then there are tons of guys of all ages wanting to meet....

I may be single but I sure as hell ain't celibate! :)

I don't think so.

'is a high number of men out there who are immature, selfish, irresponsible, unfaithful, emotionally abusive, commitment phobes etc.'

1. I don't think men are worse than women

2. the people who are like this, have been like this all their lives. Those who got snapped up earlier have been chucked back into the dating pool (hopefully) but you could just have easily have found yourself stuck with one when you were younger as well. The overall % of arseholes is the same, whether you are 25 or 55. Knowing how many people put up with crappy partners, I'm not sure the % of free arseholes compared to the % of free nice people gets much different in different age groups. You might just as well think most of the free women in older age groups are there for a reason, being arseholes, as well, and you know that isn't true.

3. The media loves doom and gloom rubbish stories about it being impossible for women to find nice men after a certain age. Not something I've noticed in real life. Young women pair up with arseholes (I did), older women tend to be fussier, know their boundaries and what they want, that's all. And that's a good thing.

Some people who are single/unable to settle in their 40s are more recognisably assholes than they were in their 20s - the polish and adherence to accepted standards of behaviour of youth and education/upbringing have worn off!