Are the odds against women finding a good partner aged 35+?

[Datingonline]

Ok, so I am divorced have DC and most friends are settled down. Opportunities to meet new people are not as great as when I was in my 20s. Fair enough. But, I have also come to the conclusion that good, fully functional men are in the minority and are likely to be already settled down?

Looking at these boards it's easy to see that there is a high number of men out there who are immature, selfish, irresponsible, unfaithful, emotionally abusive, commitment phobes etc. I don't think it's sexist to say that there are nowhere near as many women with these traits.

So by probability there are going to be a number of women who will have to stay single if they choose not to be in a crap relationship? Just thinking out loud, would be interested to hear others' thoughts.....

a younger man is the way to go. A lot less baggage, usually no children or ex-wives, nearly always a better body, and unlikely to have health problems. They don't have money, or not usually, but they have other compensations. And they bring you new ideas. My second H is nine years younger than me and I married him when I was 45. My only disillusion was that I thought he'd sort all kinds of IT things for me, and in fact I am better at that than he is. And of course, later in life you yourself know better what you want and what you will and will not put up with.

I think the most likely option is that you'll meet somebody like yourself who has emerged from an earlier relationship, and wants to meet somebody new.

If you're serious about each other then you'll have to try and work out where your children will fit into the equation, and the dynamics of a blended family.

The alternative is looking for men who don't have children. There might then be a mismatch, where you are used to juggling responsibility for children with your own independent needs. He doesn't have to do that juggling - so there's likely to be a fundamental difference in the way you see the world.

There are 3 men in my life.

1. My husband who is my best friend and soul mate. Who is (slightly) younger than me and who I have no reason to mistrust.
2. My 3.5 year old son who I would hate to imagine is tarred with the "all men are bastards" brush when he grows up. In all likelihood he'll be a decent, sensitive man like his dad who doesn't deserve to be judged solely on the basis of his gender.
3. Our best friend is a guy who was married to a lovely woman who left him soon after they got married. He has all the concerns that we typically see as female - he though he'd found "the one", he was wrong, he's scared he'll never have kids now etc etc...

OP there are plenty of decent men out there!! Don't obsess over finding them - someone up thread said treat dating like an adventure. Such good advice

I don't think it is. I was divorced just as I hit 30 with two DC, DP is lovely and utterly the antithesis of an abusive man.

I did spend a long time healing and finding me, and enjoying being on my own and building my relationship with DC. DP entered our lives right on cue when we had created our own little world and were happy with life and ourselves. It's hard to explain without sounding like an idiot.

Do have to say DP did give me back faith in men. I had become very cynical on that front, not meaning I hated all men or anything just thought that ex was typical of men, DP has shown me that no he is typical ex was unfortunately just wrong.

I think that although the pool of available men may have shrunk, and if you have kids at home its harder to get out and meet people, that is offset by the fact that by this stage of your life you (should) know what you want, and be wise to any red flags raised.

I think it's easier on your late 40s and beyond than in your 30s

I don't think you write off all divorced men as faulty because the good ones would have been retained! There's an element of truth in that, but also people grow up a lot between their 20s and 40s. Expecting the man you fell in love with in your twenties to still be perfect for you in your later years is a bit of a gamble. People grow apart, situations change and (shock horror!) sometimes the woman is equally at fault in a break up, it doesn't mean that the man isn't going to be well suited to someone else.

I think a lot of men's problems stem from immaturity, so hopefully by the time you get hold of one who has failed relationships behind him, he understands why things went wrong, he has grown up a bit, has DCs so understands that he doesn't always come first anymore.

Certainly my DP is a very different person with me compared to how he was with his ex. According to him he was very selfish and didn't really treat her very well, he admits they weren't right for each other from the start, he wanted to change her, which he realises now wasn't fair or realistic. He has made a conscious decision not to be like that by a) finding someone more suitable to start with and b) putting in effort to make the relationship positive for both of us by not being selfish in any way, by addressing any problems he has had and by completely changing his mindset about what a relationship is all about.

I sometimes think she probably feels sorry for me being with him, as she bases it on the man she knew before, but she has said that she hopes she can also meet someone wonderful like he has done!

Be positive, it's a numbers games for sure, so the more dates you go on, the better your chances of meeting someone right for you. I like to say that I'm not perfect, but I'm perfect for him

I spent my thirties having fin when the DC were with the nrp. Then in my forties I just got on with life, being a mum and doing stuff that I wanted to do. Now in my later forties someone had come along and is a great partner and I know he is right for me rather than right for some fin as I have done all the fun and know what's good and not.

Also now my DC are older and the need for blended families is not there.

Op its not just about finding Mr right but making sure you are Mrs right and in the right place for a long term relationship.

I would suggest trying to have some fun dating and don't think about the long term for now.

Bonsoir "Some people who are single/unable to settle in their 40s are more recognisably assholes than they were in their 20s - the polish and adherence to accepted standards of behaviour of youth and education/upbringing have worn off!"

I love that!

I hope not. I'm 31, divorced with two kids. Been mostly single for 6 1/2 years now. I'm not actively looking, but don't want to think I'll be on my own forever.
Ideally, I think I'd like a man who's either divorced (amicably) or been in long term relationship, with kids, so there's a bit more understanding of my situation. He's more likely to be domesticated too

I'm in a similar position. Recently split up from partner of 9 years after he went off and found a much younger interest!
I'm only 28 but feeling so alone and can't see how I'll ever meet someone new. I know he's out enjoying himself, frequently out at the pub with 'her' and god knows who else. While I'm at home with the little one and not much chance to socialise. Really struggling to see the light (or the man) at the end of the tunnel.

I don't think that you are right. Yes, the pool of potential single men without obvious or giant flaws is going to be smaller than the pool of 20somethings, that's clear. But I don't think that's the only thing. It's not like relationships are some objective thing, that as soon as you find a good person that's it, you don't need to look any more. Different people want different things from a relationship so just because somebody has been single for a long time or has a string of past relationships, doesn't mean they won't be good for you and vice versa.

The odds aren't against you, but I'd say they were definitely longer - but then the same is truse for men as well as women.

I have a friend who is single, when he first became so (after several years of marriage and a relationship of +12 years) he was really very surprised at how the "dating" scene had moved on.

He came to the concusion that the internet (like in most areas of life) was useful in some respects, but had also resulted in a 'conveyor belt' type system. Needless to say, he soon ducked out of that and has since met a really lovely lady (your age as it happens - he's 37) by way of an introduction through mutual friends.

It happens (easy to say I know) but my friend is truly one of life's good guys - to the extent that he pays maintenance over and above what's required in respect of his step son and his daughter, even though he has 50:50 'custody' of them and also maintains the former marital home (which is being sold) for his STBXW.

It was interesting, because on speaking to his new partner, she confirmed that it was witnessing these things which gave her a real insight into him and the standards he sets for himself. There are good people out there, it's just that your chances of finding them on dating websites are very slim indeed.

I'm 36. I separated from h six or seven years ago and have had one two year relationship since. Before h I had had my fair share of relationships and decided to stay single. The two year relationship was a surprise and was a disaster! I am now single again and plan to stay that way. I don't work well in relationships and choose the wrong people for me! I am a happier, more confident person when single. I am lucky in that I have a fuck buddy who I value, like and feel confident with. I've let some of my friendships go a bit and plan to concentrate on re building them. Of course there's a chance I could stumble across Mr right but I am very jaded (hence username) about relationships and doubt that will happen. I feel quite happy with my current situation. I do sometimes miss having the support of a partner but weighing it all up its the right decision for me at the minute

It seems to me that many people do not stay with partners/spouses forever these days, relationships often have a shelf life.

This means there are single people of all ages knocking about wishing for new partners. More so than when society dictated you should stay married come what may in previous generations. Many come with baggage but what can you expect their won't be many virgins in their 40s.

Of course there are more single people around in their twenties but nowadays it is easier to notice people of all ages becoming single and therefore 'on the market' again. Most would like a new partner.

Im not convinced men only want younger women, some do but then some women want younger men, I do think men want a partner who they think looks good though, irrespective of age, so keeping fit and attractive must help. Personally I'm not sure actual age matters as much as looks, men seem to rate a slim attractive older woman higher than an overweight unattractive younger woman. Fair or not its the way men seem to be.

Being married awhile myself I haven't thought about this topic in depth for a long time but these are general observations about men and women that i've noticed.

At 36 I met my OH, this is his second marriage he has kids, he's not immature, selfish, irresponsible, unfaithful, emotionally abusive, commitment phobes etc.

He's far more responsible and into commitment than I am, by a long way, and I've had to do a lot of growing up quite quickly. As one of my friends said on first meeting him 'Gosh, you are a proper grown up, that's the first one of those she's had'.

Which was quite true.

So keep looking. Yes, he's got baggage, but so have I, just different baggage. He's also kept on good terms with his ex-wife and is a completely involved dad with his kids. Another friend said - 'You should be more worried if he didn't have baggage'.

So as Poster says above - relationships often don't last, not because the people in them are bad or commitment phobic, but for all sorts of reasons - so there will be single people floating past you at whatever age.

And 35 is really young!

Hope I'm not one of them you describe! Since turning single, I fell for 2 women, their age difference is 40 years! So how old they were never entered into it. As others have said , it's how you 'gel' on the similar wavelength, lifestyle etc that counts. So I am still single, glad I met them both tho'.
It is very hard to meet women as you age, I've forgotten what to do it's been so long! ( To date that is....)

I now understand why some seniors venture into foriegn lands to find a wife.

"I now understand why some seniors venture into foriegn lands to find a wife."

I might book up a weeks holiday on the Isle of Wight.

Don't give up hope, after getting divorced in my mid thirties I found it was a much smaller / non existent pool of available men. After remaining single for a time I decided to be proactive and look online with Match; hey presto, there are loads of single people in the same boat, you just need to know where to look. I had a strategy and high standards: sign up for 3 months only, filter out the people that were not looking for a relationship by chatting online, at the end; line up 2 weeks worth of dates. The great thing about match is you specify interests, educational background, if they have children etc and filter what you do and don't want. I met some really nice men, but date no5 sparked, we are now married with a son, I turned 40 today. People are people, everyone deserves a fair chance, I know it can seem bleak and lonely, but there is a massive world out there if you expand the pool you are looking in!

I married ExH at 18 and had 3 DC by 25. I was very unhappy as we rushed/were pushed into the marriage by both sets of parents- at the age of 34 my and EXH were divorced and I started off again in a new house from scratch with the DC-
I got together with now DP a month after my 40th birthday and 8 years later we are very happy- DP is a yr younger than me.

A word of warning to any men who think they'll be fertile forever - they won't. A man's fertility doesn't come to a dead halt in the 50's like women's, but a 50-year-old man will have a far bigger risk of low sperm count and low quality sperm than a 25-year-old. They can't be complacent.

XKCD as always has a chart about this. :)

I met my (perfectly sane, handsome, solvent professional, kind, funny) DH when I was 34, and a single parent to DD1 who was 3 at the time. We met via a dating website - first date in July, moved in together in October, engaged in January, married August and I gave birth to DD2 8 days ago. So it can happen! There are good men out there!

Have really enjoyed reading everyone's views and experiences and has given me more hope in finding someone to happily share my life with... I guess you just never know what's going to happen in life do you :)

Dating on line is the way to go in my opinion once you hit 30 that pool is smaller, my hairdresser said the last 8 brides hair she has done met online, people don't always admit to it, but all the proactive single people are doing it! Good luck, we have shitty bits of life, the only way is up xx