Married, husband have baby fever, BUT... What would you do if you in my situation?

[thestaircase]

Hello, sorry for the long post. And apologize for my bad English grammars, English is my third language.

I had a cold childhood, my Chinese mother was abusive her children. Both me and my brother have move out away from for more than a decade already. But she still trying to control us, dictating us who we should married. She is a very controlling mother.
Throughout my whole childhood I hear she belittle me, put me down everyday, being verbally/emotionally abusive to me. So it does take a toll on my self-worth.

Subconsciously seme like my childhood experienced still huant me. Now as an adult, sometimes I do feel like I'm not worth it to be love at all. It also does make me feel awkward when I get alot of affections form my husband.

I'm Asian (Chinese), my husband is Black (African)
Met him when I was 26, dated when I was 28 and we married three months ago, and I'm 30 this year.
This whole relationship was alot of hardship because of my Chinese mother disapproval of my husband. But her disapproval doesn't matter anymore because we married now.

Finally we can be together, I do want some 'couple time' alone with him before I bring a baby into the picture.
When we date he work 1 job, now we married he working 2 jobs so we can have enough money for a house down-payment and mortgage.

We both are trying to save up money as fast as we can. If Financial goes as plan we can buy our house in 2016 and move out of this cheap rent bad area neighborhood----Rent is very cheap so it helps us alot to save up money monthly.

The house is not important to me, we can just go rent at a nicer neighborhood to raise our baby.
BUT what bothering me is he won't have time for the baby. Because right now he working 2 jobs, everyday he working 12-14 hours. So if now I'm pregnant, he won't be able to spend much time with the baby.

When my husband get off work, all he have time for is shower, eat and sleep and next day work long hours again.
And baby cries, if baby cries all night and we both have to keep wake up. Then he won't have enough sleep to work 12-14 hours next day. If this make sense?

But then we both poor anyways, so it not like we have much of a choice. I am working 1 job, and it pay me minimum wage.
My husband have to pick up 2 jobs or else no way we have enough money to buy a house.

It is too SELFISH of me that I want to hold back baby plan for the next few years. So that we can have a solid financial ground, so my husband can go back to work 1 job, and then we have a baby?

Seem like we need few more years to save up money.
We do have money saving in both our Saving accounts. But then when we buy a house, we have monthly Mortgage to pay. And then a baby which going to be more money.
I really don't think it the right time to have a baby right now this year.

So if you were in my circumstances, what would you do? Hold up baby plans for couple years?
I am 30 year olds this year, I hope I still have some time to TTC
And people keep trying to scare me by saying once you hit 30, you are over the TTC

Eversince we married, my husband keeps have baby fever. This month I'm late on my cycle, and he happy that I'm late. He be THRILLED if I'm pregnant.
When he left to work, he kiss my stomach. He me take the pregnancy test and when I’m pregnant, he will kiss my stomach EVERYDAY for 9 Months until the baby born.

I can already tell our future baby will be spoil, not even born yet and already have daddy kisses everyday. With the way he is I can tell that he will spoil his kids rotten.
We probably have cultural clashes when we raise our kids. I know I will be very strict to my kids. And him, he the Dad that will spoil his kids. The kids will always run to daddy daddy for everything because daddy spoil them.

I'm not pregnant, it my body still trying to get used to birth control pills since I'm newlywed.
I take all my pills on time, exactly on the same time everyday. I never miss one pills, so I know I’m 99% safe. I am also NOT on any Antibiotics so it not messing up my BCP

What I'm worried is I promise my husband we TTC in 2016 when we buy our house. But now with our situation as I explained above, and him working 2 jobs everyday. He will not have time for our baby when he working 12-14 hours everyday.
And baby cries alot, it will disrupt his sleep. How he going to work long hours the next day?

I want to hold off baby plan for the next few years until we have solid financial ground so he back to work 1 job, and then we TCC
BUT I know if I keep hold back baby plan, he will be disappointed. What would you do if you were me? How would you approach this to him? And advice is appreciated, thank you.

You ask what would I do?
My answer has to be - if I promise then I will do - so 2016 it would be
Also at 30 I would want to be getting on with family - just because of how tiring children can be

I would tell him to wait. 30 is no age! I agree that at the rate you are both working, his 14 hr days especially, that a baby will add a lot of pressure to you both.

Save some money, try and enjoy this precious 'honeymoon' time. Ttc in 2018 at the earliest when you are more settled.

Oh and I had one wakeful baby so we co-slept, and another who slept all night, so you might be lucky and get one of those.
Good luck.

I totally understand your dilemma. I had my babies at 35 and 36 as I didn't meet my husband and get married until I was 33.

So you have time.

However, he sounds lovely and I would talk to him. You will need him to be there helping you. I have two children under a year and a half. My husband does the 3am bottle even though he works full time as he knows how busy I am in the day. Will you need to givevup your work when baby arrives? Can you move to a cheaper city?

Your English is great - I wish I was bilingual!
I think waiting a couple of years is the sensible thing to do for an easier life and a bit of security before you have a baby. I agree with earlier poster your husband sounds very nice just tell him about your concerns

May I ask, a pregnancy test at the store should work accurately same as the pregnancy test the doctor office right?
I had take the pregnancy test that I bought from the store and it negative, so I'm not pregnant. BUT... I think I'm disappointed my husband because I want to hold off baby plan for the next few years.

I been taking my BCP on time everyday and I'm not on any Antibiotics, so I know it should work 99%
And I'm newlywed too, so 3 months my body still trying to get used to BCP

It just my husband have baby fever so he wants me to get prengant. He extremely confident that I can get pregnant at my age 30

Alot of people tell me that my age 30 is hard to get pregnant.

And my husband is 29 year olds, isn't it kindda young to be a father?

I think you should wait and enjoy your relationship and create the home you want before you try to conceive, at 30 I wouldn't worry. Do you want lots of children or just one or two?
Having said that, don't be scared of having kids either, it is hard in some ways but it's also so rewarding and exciting and you will find your own way to make it work.

Thank you for all advice, noted and appreciated.

He is an awesome husband, I have no regrets married him at all.
I know when I choose to married him, my mom will disown me and she already did disown me. But I have zero regrets.

I share something embarrassing, it probably going to make everyone laugh. Sorry TMI ahead...

My husband do stuff that make me feel awkward, like he kiss my butt cheek.
Usually when I lay in bed, he would simply put his lips on my butt cheek kiss it. I always feel awkward about it, but after 3 months of marriage. For the first time now I giggles. I giggles and I gave him a hug.
He was so happy that I now 'enjoy' it and that I 'appreciate' his kiss.

But it just soooo awkward, I told him it embarrassing. But he said he have nothing to be embarrassed about that he kiss his wife butt cheek. I guess it cultural difference between us.

Asking other ladies here, would you okay with it if your husband did that?

You have to do what is right for you, don't get railroaded into this.

My mother had me at 34 and my sister at 42. 30 is young. I don't currently plan on having children (am 27) but I know I might possibly change my mind, and I am not remotely worried about waiting until I'm at least 33-34, if not older.

You can always buy another pregnancy test just to be sure. They're not always accurate but you'd be very unlucky to get a wrong result twice, as long as there's been enough time since conception (if it should be a positive). If I ever find I'm a bit later than I ought to be, I'll take a test when I start to get worried, and then if I still don't come on after a negative then I'll take another test 1-2 weeks later, however long I can hold out without getting too anxious about it. They don't cost the earth, after all. I can't say I know whether they're less accurate than taking a test at the doctor's, sorry.

x-post.

If him doing that makes you uncomfortable, you have every right to ask him not to do it, and he should absolutely not do it after that.

That's not to say it's weird or anything, but I'm not there having my bumcheek kissed, so what do I know? If you don't want it to happen, it shouldn't happen.

My husband prefer a soccer team, but I told him no way I can give him a soccer team of kids, lol
So we come to an agreement on one, at most two kids.

Our plan was TTC in 2016, after we have enough money for a house. This is why he working 2 jobs right now everyday working for 12-14 hours.
I know he tired but he want to have money as fast as possible to pay for a house.
After we buy our house, he want to go back working 1 job, so he can have time for us to TTC, he wants to be around the baby.
I'm not even pregnant and he already have this much baby fever.

But my worried is when we have our house, we have to pay Mortgage and then have a baby will cost more money. So Mortgage, Bills and baby.

We both don't spend much, but we do want the best for the baby. Baby do cost alot right? If baby cost alot then he have to go back to work 2 jobs, then he won't be able to spend time with the baby. This is what I'm woried about.

I told him we should try to pay our house, half in cash, half in mortgage.
So he working his butt off righ tnow to have enough money to buy a house in 2016

I know he is a doting husband and he let me have things my way so I can be happy. I know if I told him I want to wait few more years before TTC, he probably will just go along with it just for me.
But then I know deep down inside he probably not happy, I can tell how much he want a baby.

One person waiting a couple of years more than they wanted to and being less than 100% happy because they're impatient to start a family is a hundred times better than the other person having a baby earlier than they felt was sensible and then being less than 100% happy because of financial/time struggles along with having a young child to deal with.

You can spend a lot of money on baby things, but there are lots of ways you can save money. Lots of things can be second hand, there are lots of "nearly new" sales eg the NCT runs them often.

You sound well organised for saving towards a house. You could do the same towards planning for a baby if you're worried about money. So, look at what maternity pay you'd get, then look at things like child benefit plus other benefits you might be entitled to. Work out what you think you'll need to get for the baby and look at the cost of new compared to second hand. Decide what can be second hand and what should be new (car seats and cot mattresses should be bought new really). Work it all out and see if you can budget for it all. That might help you to work out whether it's doable.

He sounds sweet, loving and affectionate and hardworking. You sound like you are lovely, too. I hope you have a great life together.

Why don't you agree a savings amount with him and work toward that, and start trying for a baby when you achieve it?

I agree babies are not expensive, but of couse there is the lost income when you give up work to consider.

Thank you so much for all advice. Appreciated and will follow

It just in my stiuation, there so many things going on at once, and I don't know how which is the best solution to all this.

Would pay for a house half in Cash, half in Mortgage. Would this be better? This is part of the reason why he working 2 jobs, so we can have money as fast as possible.
How important is having a house before have a baby? May I ask, what your take on this?

And it is normal for a 29 year olds guy like my husband, who work 2 jobs, everyday working 12-14 hours yet still have the energy for sex?
I guess my husband have high sex drive? Becasue despite he working so much hours but he still want sex.

For example like sometimes when I miss him, I hug him from behind and say his name. and uh.. that lead to sex. Just a hug from his wife and he get turn on for sex.

But then I'm scare because it obvious from my post, I do NOT want a baby right now. I'm NOT thrilled about a baby right now.
But then I'm his wife now, and I don't want to turn him down when come to sex. I hope I'm not that lucky to fall into the 1% category of get pregnant while on the BCP

Soooo many things to discuss.

It sounds like you and your DH waited until you got married to have sex. Sorry to be blunt like that! This means that you are still finding out about each other, still learning. If you are three months into having sex then yes, even after 12 hours at work it's normal for him to be up for it. However, you absolutely don't have to have sex if you aren't up for it and if you don't like something sexual (like the butt kissing) you can say and he has to respect that.

But it sounds like sex and babies have got muddled up in your mind. I know that sounds silly... But if you are one of the 1%, that could happen with one shag or 100. So, if you want to have sex and you are on the pill, have sex. You could talk to your GP about very safe birth control like the coil or implant.

Babies don't have to cost a lot. However, if you are in a crappy neighbourhood, I would want to move before the baby because it's like to have a nice place to walk around, go to parks, meet people.

Talk to a good financial adviser about mortgages, budgets and how much of a deposit. We don't know what the best deposit is for you to have because we aren't you.

It does sound like you love each other, work hard and want the best for your life so you have a massive amount going for you.

Sexually I only have one guy that is my husband, so please excuse my ignorance in sex. I’m newlywed so I’m still new into this whole BCP thing.

I lost my virginity to him back in November, and we got married in February. So we didn't wait till married to have sex. But I only sleep with him few times prior to marriage. I keep hold back sex, he also didn't pressure me because he knows I'm sexually inexperience.
I feel bad for him too because we in committed relationship, and his exclusive girlfriend keep make him wait for sex.

He had other girls prior to me, so he very experience when it come to sex. And I pretty much just follow his lead. As his wife, I'm his first marriage but for sure I'm not the first girl he sleep with.

We know each others total of 4 years, and our distance is ridiculously close too. We live in the same neighbhorhood that was how we met, dated and married.
When you live in the same neighborhood, you each others on the daily basic; so the sparks and flirting would died out fast. I'm surprise he still find me attractive after he married me.

The 'sparks' usually died out after 4 years of knowing each others. Especially you see each others everyday, you will more easy to get bored.

May I ask, how long did the 'honeymoon' phase last in your marriage?

Hello Thestaircase

I would look suggest you investigate how much you actually need to save to buy a house. In UK you usually need a deposit eg 10% of the purchase price before a bank will lend you mortgage money.
Or
Investigate the part rent, part buy schemes
You would also need money for solicitor fees, stamp duty, mortgage arrangement fees etc

If you are working, find out how much you would receive in maternity pay if you do get pregnant. Suggest you may need to save up some more money for the time when you are not working

A marriage or living with a partner is about sharing the good times & the bad times so the honey moon period can last 4 years or 40+ years

Good luck

You still have time to wait for a baby. I had mine at 32 no issues. My mate has just got pregnant for the first time at 38 with no problems.
You have a bit of time to enjoy married life.
You need to talk it through with your husband. Tell him you aren't ready, yet. And discuss all your feats and worries. That's what makes a marriage work

Other people have given good advice, but I just wanted to say that you and your husband sound like a lovely couple and your English is excellent for your third language!

Staircase...I have been married for 43 years. The honeymoon period is still going strong!

Staircase, you sound like a lovely poster.

In my opinion it really is your choice as it is your body that will carry the baby but you do need to discuss this with your husband before it becomes an issue. He sounds like a good chap! He's just excited like a puppy!

There will never be the perfect time or perfect financial situation to have a baby but you'll make it work when it does happen.

Good luck to you both staircase!

You sound a lovely couple and you are very determined to succeed.

I would personally agree with your plan to wait until you have your house and are financially settled.

Are you both UK citizens? If so you could qualify for the Help to Buy scheme. This would give you more chance of getting a good place and making the most of your deposit so that the mortgage isn't so large. You can find out about it here:
www.helptobuy.org.uk/

Good luck!

We both are citizens. He is a born citizen
I immigrant with my family when I was 12 year olds
So both of us grow up in the western culture, but seem like I'm still holding on to my taditional Chines cutlure.

Like I mentioned above. Throughout my whole childhood I hear my mother belittle me, put me down everyday, being verbally/emotionally abusive to me. It does take a toll on my self-worth.
To my mom in her eyes, I'm worth less than a dog on the street.

I don't know if my abusive childhood is making me scare from being a mommy. And I hope I'm not using the house excuse as to run away from being a mommy.
I do want time with my husband, I went through alot of hardship to be with him. We didn't have a honeymoon because he work so much. Now with a baby, we probably won't have alone time as a couple anymore.

But then I see him soooo ready to be a father and all his baby fever. Sometimes I do feel like I want to just get off BCP, and TTC naturally, whatever happens will happens. I'm just so confused right now

It also seem like I have multiple layers of issue. From cultural difference to my abusive childhood, to worried about him not have enough time to be with the baby when he working 2 jobs long hours everyday.

But my marriage seem fine so far, he is an awesome husband.
When he wanted marriage, I constantly told him that there a big cultural difference between us. Pretty much he said as long as I’m by his side, we go through these together and everything will work out.
But it me that keep worrying in. And from my post, I do worried alot, sigh

Thank you for all advice, everyone is so nice to a girl who only have a High school degree like me.
I regret not have a college degree, but I didn't have much choice back then. I left my abusive mother house when I was 18, and I survived on my own eversince. I didn't think of dating or College, all I worried about was work to pay for Rent, or else I will end up in a Homeless shelter.

Life sure was hard on me, but I thank God everyday for give me an awesome husband. My husband is not rich, but he is a caring and loving husband, I feel blessed to have him.

Are you in the UK?