HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

Oh, bands?

Kings of Lyin'.

The MLC Script.

Bed Hee-ran...

Fuckit hope mediation went well. Seems very short notice? How are you feeling now?

Braving sounds like a good plan as long as you let him know, that's the main thing. No matter what you do, bed in for some retaliation and rise above it.

I'm hoping the radio silence is embarrassment.

If I can give one piece of advice to the newer ladies to the thread, it's to read Wells posts over and over again, 'cause no one hits the nail on the head like she does. And she does it with such care and concern, because she's been there, she's lived it and now she's writing the fucking book on it.

She knows every trick in the twunts guide to being a prick, so pay attention my lovelies, cause there ain't nothing that gets past her radar.

I ain't that great Hobbit. However, I am the poster 'girl' for

• never giving up a good career for love
• guaranteeing your divorce goes all the way to a final hearing
• marrying a wrong 'un
• falling apart spectacularly
• trying to rebuild your life one small step at a time
• hoping against adversity.
• ensuring your divorce diet leaves you three and a half stone lighter, and a bag of bones!
• knowing THIS SHIT IS HARD but you can still laugh and you can cry.
• accepting that the day we stop taking all the responsibility for the failure of the marriage, but not accepting all the blame for it either, is the day of 'meh'.
• believing that the people left behind matter. There's nothing wrong with them. What's wrong is what's happened to them*.

*I really must find out which MNetter wrote that and thank them because it sums up my whole attitude to life.

Back home after a night out. Ate out at somewhere I've never been before. Had a good time but coming back home to a house where both kids asleep I feel rather strange and a bit vulnerable. In theory I feel ready to get out and socialise more, but in practice I feel out of my comfort zone. It's fine socialising with work friends. And I think that's because there is no great "catching up" to do with my situation, even though I don't really discuss it much anymore, especially as I've become more and more involved on this thread. Anyone else, there's that catching up post split. It's having to give even brief details, eg am I getting divorced, what's happening about the house etc. Also, tonight was the first time I said "we".......we used to park here, we used to go in that shop etc. I just feel a bit strange, a bit vulnerable, a bit battered emotionally. I know it's just another step to take, and that once I've done the big catch up, then further chats don't involve him. I know I have to do this to feel truly comfortable going out again, but it feels like stepping back in time, memories surfacing and just a slightly dull aching feeling for the theory of the ending of the marriage. I feel I have done a lot of new things, I've had to. And I just feel, why do I have to keep exposing myself to new situations and challenges. A part of me thinks moving away would be good because there is a more definite break from the past, and any people I meet in a new area see me as just me. I don't know. I'm a bit fed up of having to push myself to tackle new things and experiences. Strangely, or maybe not, I wanted to go straight on this thread. Because it's familiar, because people on here are my friends in my new situation. I wish we all lived local to each other.

I suppose, like iwas I will gradually get much more of a taste for getting out. At the moment, it feels like a challenge. I know I must work on it though, and I should persist, as it would be easy for me to slip back. I don't mind meeting new people, I talk easily to most, although I hate parties. I'm going round in circles with my thoughts here. Will shut up and get off to bed.

fairy right now the right now is all that matters. It's got you through an evening. It's just what you needed. Xx

Going back to the post about me going out.....the people on the thread......well I only "met" them from January at the earliest. I haven't struggled to engage with these people. And I talk to a huge number of people at work on a casual basis and get in with loads of them, all different personalities. So I shouldn't feel a bit umm about getting out. But I do. I'm a daft bat.

Most of my friends I have known for a very long time, and most have been through some very traumatic times, mainly relationship wise. Maybe it's about stepping back into the past. I severely curtailed going out during the nightmare years. It's only a case of picking up again. However long the gap between seeing these people, we have just slipped back into the old routine, they haven't fundamentally changed. My head is telling me, just get out, what's the matter with you. Just trying to analyse all this by just typing whatever pops into my head. I think I'm getting somewhere. This is where my anxiety is manifesting itself. It's not on coping with the day to day any more. It's just changed focus. I'm probably just anxious as a result of the split.

izzie you have said what I have felt the last 2 weeks - I decided to make an effort and get out there especially as I know only a couple of people here. Like yourself it has been difficult and it has felt like something that has been forced on me. I cried on the way home after one outing. Currently not sure if I am going to continue with the "Meet Ups" ..may do again in the future...

The words you use : strange, vulnerable, out of comfort zone, forcing yourself to do new things - yes i know all of those....

You have your children at home though so be comforted by that. Not a pity party but I have no one other than my cat. Family will whatsapp and keep in touch but they have their own lives and are busy people.

It is all very daunting and I used the word "Bleak" last night - that is how I feel currently. Today it is drizzly and dull so I may just stay at home today and immerse myself in some TV series or other. Sometimes it is more comforting to be at home and - I suppose - go with the flow..

It is ups and downs , steps forward, steps backward - people say " oh have a holiday or something " - if only it were that easy ..

Sorry this isn't much help, is it but like you this thread has become a refuge to me - even if I am not saying anything I am taking it all in and read it first thing in the day and last at night.

Thank you Wise and actually your post does help. I've been musing on things this morning, and it's something I will return to on here. At the moment my thoughts are not quite all connecting, but I will post when things are a bit clearer.

When did you first start posting on here? I want to go back and read your back story and get a bit more info about you.

What would I say to you about today? If you fancy staying in and chilling out, that's fine. I enjoy being at home too, I like pottering about. Sometimes I might even be sensible and rest a bit, haha. Meantime, I'm off to the hairdressers to get my colour topped up. And then try to psych myself up to starting the painting of the shower room. Not too much, though, because I think my body is going on strike!

Catch you later, and thank you

Hobbit I have coined a new word. It's a Jessage.

I absolutely love the Jessages. They crack me up. I lufs you and Jess.
Xxxxx

Morning WiseOne and Izzie. Drizzly and damp here too. Hoping to avoid seeing my Twunt today, I do so much better if I don't.

I hear you about being forced into doing things. I feel like I have been living predominantly out of my comfort zone for months. Which means that I usually felt uncomfortable. Gradually it's turning into my comfort zone though, the more I do these things. I'm going to workshops and classes in things that interest me, as the opportunity presents. Often I'm the only woman on my own, women seem to attend in pairs or more whereas men are often alone. It forces me to mingle and like Izzie I do that plenty at work.

Because I've been married to a selfish control freak for so long I feel like I've been living in a cave for years. I'm now blinking in the sunlight. I'm very, very glad I'm out but I get dazzled sometimes and unsure of what to do.

Thank you Roz and it's good to hear your perspective. Sometimes it's too easy to assume that others just stroll through things. I know your back story and have commented before about the tremendous progress you have made. So quite why I should somehow think that you would find certain things as easy as falling off a log, I don't know! I think sometimes it's too easy to unfavourably compare ourselves to others on this thread, and to make too many wrong assumptions about others who we perceive to be stronger than us.

The last few posts this morning have really helped me. It's the point about knowing that others have the same feelings and issues.

If you knew how long I let the Twunt fuck me around, how I repeatedly forgave him, how I tried to make things work, by "fixing" myself! you wouldn't think I was strong. (I shall leave that exclamation mark right where it wants to be).

I sat on the side of my bed last Sat evening after my successful event, sobbing because I'd stupidly picked up the phone when Twunt called.

We all struggle and I feel ashamed and embarrassed by what I let twunt get away with, how I had the wool pulled over my eyes for so long, that I let him come back late last year. Just in time to fuck up Christmas with his presence actually.

morning ladies - quick post from me - thought you all knew SB stood for Steel Balls but it could also be no 3 on your list hobbit - i get the feeling you like lists lol

My girlie taking me out on a mystery tour this morning - no idea what she's up to - but knowing her it will be extremely thoughtful!

izzie get yourself googling meet ups - ditch the decorating and get yourself out there - everyone I have been on Ive met women & men who have been where we are and are just wanting to live life and have fun - I never thought I would turn up to a meal with 15 other people none of whom I had met before and have a really good time - great for self esteem!

will catch up later - good day everyone xx

Izzie if its any consolation I feel like a hermit most of the time stuck in my safe house, if I get invites I sometimes panic and make excuses not to go, I'm sure in time I will venture out more but not just yet. So dont worry as mine is 8 months down the line and sometimes it only feels like it all happened yesterday. take care x oh and you too Roz x oh and all you ladies xx

Mediation simply provided another fora to cry, feel sorry for myself, see him do that half smile (the here we go again one). Hear them say I can't afford to stay here, that I need to stand on my own two feet, that in eighteen months when last child is 18 I will have nothing and no one can come up with a plan. It was all worse because I went from work. Already tired and with no paperwork. I think I would have been more focused if I had numbers in front of me. I found myself apologising again and again. I told the mediator a couple of things he did and said that I found intimidating, she said she didn't think so. If she had not been recommended by my solicitor I would be convinced he was her best mate. They agreed keeping my job most important so next meeting at the start of June. This one was short notice as she wanted to get us started before she went on holiday. He looked like him handsome charming and kind but someone else is wearing his body. He will help son three out with University but not help me to have a bedroom for him to come home too. I hate myself. Of all the fucking times to have a pity party I had to choose that one. I can't do divorce stuff this weekend I have to mark, I have just shy of 20 hours marking here and that has to be priority. Saw my Union rep on Wednesday, or why can I get at threads when they get long he was business like, I don't know if he will be of much use. Line manager still making digs. I even wondered if I am just paranoid but a colleague is very Aware of digs, so she says. Am I making it up, the destain from husband the contempt from boss? I don't know head in a mess.

Morning all.

I'm waiting for the Gardener to come to lay some tuft, the garden has been transformed since H left. Apparently he's young (according to my mother in law who's nearly 70), but she announced this morning she thinks he's gay, so I won't bother getting dressed up :)

Still no response to my messages yesterday about the Sky account and the car insurance, I hate that whenever I send him a message I then constantly check my phone to see if he's read it, and then to see if he's replied. Unfortunately, although I'm trying to minimise contact there are things I want to get sorted.

Hope everyone has a good day :)

Good morning all, I love the Jessage Izzie
Or a Jessagram or a Jext? Ha ha. Here she is with one for drifting to welcome you back my love, sorry it didn't work out, but props to you for giving it a chance. No swearing tho' cause I know you are a complete gentleman, unlike our ex's who are complete no6's.

Oh my lovely Izzie , We all feel our confidence has been knocked about a bit, that's only natural given the circumstances. I have to force myself to go to the local pub, even though there's a chance that they will be there

Fuckit my love, you shouldn't have been railroaded into going into mediation at such short notice, of course you weren't prepared, and that put you at a disadvantage straight away.

Next time make sure the time is suitable for you, and you have your paperwork and proposals ready, it is difficult I know, but you can and must do this if you're going to stand up to this man and get a better settlement .

fuckitandstartagain sorry that you had such a shit meeting yesterday - well done you for keeping it all together in general and keeping your job going!! I wouldn' t be able to as I get the shits all the time from stress! Hope not TMI!!

Oh - 20 hours of marking - not much fun ( know that from before) . I think we get very hard on ourselves at times and sometimes see things where nothing really is...don't hate yourself - be kind to yourself - pity you have to get that marking done but do it in stages ( just trying to be practical here which is what everyone does when trying to help, isn't it? ) Sending you the best thing for marking and for later x