HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

Morning all. Nice meal last night and girding loins for today!

Fuckit sorry meeting didn't go well. Bit too last minute to help. However I propose that for the next meeting those of us who can (Hobbit WWK) pitch in and get something a little more concrete you can put to him. My mediator suggested that I might still need somewhere for DDs to sleep so I guess they all have differing views. Also it depends how much there is in the way of assets. Anyway, after your marking etc next month sometime get back on here and just say - right ladies, help!

Re comments made, try writing them down, then think about them a bit. That normally helps in working out whether it was a dig or not

Izzie I guess we all come across in different ways on here. I'm currently really pissed off and fuming, but then I'm also having little weep this morning. I have had to accept that till my situation is sorted I can't afford to do stuff for myself like go out except for special occasions. All expenses kept to a minimum atm. All his doing and he knows it (but would never admit it)

Time for me and my vertigo to totter downstairs. .

Morning everyone. Some sadness out there today - weather gloomy here too.

I went out last night but it was an effort. Didn't feel like it but had a goodish time. I totally get Izzie and Wise about feeling vulnerable etc. It feels strange just driving in the evening on my own. It's like there's a part of me missing. I think though that everyone must feel like this and it will become more normal with time. This probably sounds odd but I remember 'missing' pregnancy bumps after babies were born. We've mostly been with Hs for years and years. It wouldn't be normal not to miss their 'presence' so to speak. It's so tough. Everything about it is tough.

The Jessages are just brilliant hobbit as are you. You are an inspiration. Like izzie said - although this isn't RL, in a way it is more real than RL. I feel I have to be guarded with people in RL because the situation is so complicated at the moment. Anything goes here

fuckit I so feel for you. What a tough time you are having. I have no experience yet with any of the legalities so can't really advise. The superior thing and half smiles are so bloody infuriating though. My instinct would be to return to your solicitor perhaps? Others might say differently. My children are 15, 19 and 21 and that makes us and them pretty vulnerable to being cast aside. Hopefully more advice will be along soon fuckit Hang on in there

Well I'm gritting my teeth to around 4ish when Twunt is going out til tomorrow. He wants me to believe there's no OW! I actually don't think I even care anymore. Meh.

fairy you will feel better once his stuff is gone. Plan something fun for tonight

Fairy my love, feel for you, I went to work when he took his stuff from the house, I couldn't have watched him do that, it would have broken me.
I think I ran on adrenaline for the next few weeks and then crashed, hard.

I know you have to remain calm for your little ones, are you taking them out while he moves to his new place? I think that would be for the best.
Make sure you have someone there with you later, family or friends for moral support, this shit is so hard isn't it?
Sending you love and strength,
Have the rage on your behalf, I think it's a bit too soon for anger for you, but it will come, and that will get you through this.

please help I am feeling so so lost and I thought I had my shit finally coming together. Turns out that was all a big fat part of my head blocking more feelings coming out. Now after my big row with DD they are both ignoring me. Ok she's giving me yes/no answers but reading texts I sent her Dad ( from his laptop ) . I handed him his post last night with a letter about some issues about house, electricity, and other stuff ... Put at the end that the acrimony was awful but I hoped he was happy and I still cared for him ... Am I just a dick ? Stupidly, feeling so alone last night I sent him a brief "do you think we'll ever speak?" . He's ignored it and I feel so shit. Why am I missing him so much now ? I thought I had myself sorted, no more crazy woman messages. Now he'll think he has the upper hand again. Does any small part of them ever show real feelings.. Do they ever admit ' shit I made a mistake and treated you really badly?"
Feel like I've lost my h and now losing my DD. thinking of giving up and moving out and letting them get on with it ... Don't want to face the day and still in bed.

fairy Sending you hugs too. I'm feeling calm atm but if Twunt said he was literally moving out today, I couldn't watch him pack. I'd probably throw myself to the floor and cling onto his ankles too. God knows why I would but I probably still would.... Unless you are worried about him emptying your home, what about making yourself scarce and leaving him to it?

Hi all have decided to leave the painting today as my body is in serious need of some rest. Nobody is pressurising me to get stuff done, except me. Both DSs tell me to leave things too. So today I will just have a little potter. I can't sit still too long or I will get frustrated. Some things never change!

The going out thing, I'm sure a lot of it is to do with the fact that I have to firstly do a news catch up with people. It seems that so many of my chats with my friends over recent years have been about marital issues. Mine and theirs, in most cases. I have felt a need to move away mentally from him, and I see myself detaching, and my posts being "it's all about me!" And I just know that catching up will at first be all about the split. I just need to accept that it's inevitable and that once I've had that chat with each person, the next time it will be "all about me".

To explain the last paragraph. When I'm in deep deep shit, I withdraw. My closest confidante recognises this in me, and sees it as my way of dealing with things. I could be speaking to her for days on end about things, then all of a sudden I just don't talk. So when he actually left, once I had told her, it was silence from me. She knows that I contact her when I need to but that sometimes I just need to process it all myself. I'm sure this is why I have resisted seeing people since the split. A friend of mine texted me two weeks ago asking to meet up. I haven't replied yet! Another friend at work, we get on well, she's a lot younger than me but we click, have a lot of laughs. She suggested last holiday that we should meet up and get blotto over lunch. I delayed it till the next holiday!

I think also I have unrealistic views of what I should be doing. I have a vision that it should be going out all the time, socialising in big groups etc. Whereas I fucking hate parties and big gatherings. I suddenly lose all confidence in those situations. I know a lot of people are the same as me, so why I now feel I should be woo hooing with half the population in the same place, I have no idea! A friend of mine has a New Years Eve party every year. She always invites me and always says I know it's not your thing, would still love to see you though if you want to but don't expect you to come and not offended. So what am I actually stressing about??

I get on well with most people. I can quickly tell the difference between a "me" and a "non me" person. I'm confident on a one to one and in small groups. I used to be very shy, but it's not an adjective people would use to describe me. I also have self esteem issues going way back, but I fight against that.

I think some of last night was also that I felt a bit looked after. She drove. She chose the restaurant, although I had booked online. She led me to where it was, because I didn't know. I'm not used to being looked after anymore. This is a really close friend. I have scraped this woman off the floor sooooo many times, gave her back her self esteem, told her things I've never told anyone else........and I worry about feeling looked after! We had a perfectly nice evening, and the chat was more focused on her.

I think, as I said before, all the anxiety that must be deeply buried in my subconscious about this whole shit separation, it's all coming out with the socialising thing. I was stressed about the decorating before. Now I know I can do it. I was stressed about going to the DIY store, getting petrol, sorting out the finances, and so on and so on. And now I've decided to start dealing with the socialising.......I'm having a massive massive wobble about it all.

I'm a daft cow. I think I will order myself a special motivational Jessage. I will think of suitable wording.

I think though, that posting all of the above has helped me to clarify things and to recognise it for what it is.

I am happier without him. I know I will continue to be happier without him. I have achieved a lot without him. It will continue.

fairy stopped reading at your post

Every bloody hug going for you today. If it helps, we all feel sick for you

Just caught up on recent posts. There is a lot of shit going down today. Sorry my thing is so superficial. It was typed well before loads of the posts. Sorry, badly timed.

Ali I get you. You think you're getting somewhere and then these bloody feelings surface again like a bad smell. All I can say is that it is perfectly normal, and that the bad smell episodes will become fewer and further apart, although expect the unexpected blip.

As for the messages, who the fuck cares what he thinks? It doesn't matter. You will become stronger and more detached, and then he will see a different side to you.

The reason your message went unanswered is probably because he wouldn't know how to reply. Men, let's face it, don't do emotional stuff very well.

Your daughter will come round eventually. As someone already said, you are right to set boundaries. It may not make you the popular parent at the moment, but it makes you the responsible parent, the parent who really does care. And she will recognise that and be grateful for it. I've had some awful ding songs with my two since he left. Ok they are 19 and 22. But they still love me, they still respect me, and they have said on many an occasion, you were the one who tried, who stayed, and who we respect.

ali Stay in bed if you want to. Please yourself if I was you. I've had lots of days like that - much to Twunt's annoyance. The DD situation that you are dealing with is so hard. My advice, for what it's worth, is to not over compensate and don't put up with rude and obnoxious behaviour that all us parents of teenagers have had to deal with at some stage or other. You are her mother. Consistent, loving and responsible parenting is much more effective in the long run than the grand gestures that I know my OH is capable of. I'm petrified that my crew will consider their main residence to be with their father, especially if I leave him here, in their home. I have to believe that they'll 'choose' me and hate that they will have to choose a 'main' home and a 'second' home at all. It will not be my choice and I will make sure kindly, gently but firmly that they know that. All children try to play one parent off against the other at some stage. I've never 'bad mouthed' their father but I have told them some home truths from time to time when I've been the 'mother from hell' and their father 'Mr reasonable' on the end of a phone line from god knows where - not actually dealing day to day and morning, noon and night with the issues of a house full of hormonal teenagers. It's easy to look righteous from an aloof pedestal of self delusion. Tomorrow is another day ali. I've allowed myself some complete 'right off' days

1 it's good to hear that we have the same issues! makes us feel we are normal. I know you are, I know Wise is......

I like Roz's comment:

I feel like I have been living predominantly out of my comfort zone for months. Which means that I usually felt uncomfortable. Gradually it's turning into my comfort zone though, the more I do these things

I'm going to type that out somewhere. It's very motivational. Thanks for that, Roz

It's easy to look righteous from an aloof pedestal of self delusion

Wow, another genius quote. That one is for the twunts

If I were texting the ex, I would love to throw that one in. As it is, I'm not texting. Go me!

Izzie pleased that you had a good time last night but I do understand how hard it is.

It might seem like I am out gallivanting quite a lot and doing new things and I am. But I only think I am doing a lot because I rarely went out before so it is only a lot for me. I go out with the children, my sister and one of my friends, I don't do a huge amount else. I've gone out a few times with other people but only occasionally.

I find the idea of meeting new people daunting and don't really have much interest in doing that. I don't really want to see friends I don't see very often because it will just end up being an up date as to how things are for me now.

I forced myself to go out to start with. It was a change of scenery and with Sid being so close I felt I needed that. This nightmare point of my life has been going on since August so it did take a while before I did go out. When I did start going out it was a break and it helped a bit. It wasn't unusual for it to just be a different place to get upset. But there were bits of it that I would enjoy and that has become more prevalent.

I now look forward to going out with the children for a meal if they haven't got plans. If they have got plans then I might see my sister or my friend. I try and go out on a Saturday evening and occasionally on a Friday. I go out sometimes in the week for a meal and see if my daughter wants to do something. But I don't really do much more than that.

The friend that I have mentioned was very sadly widowed a few years ago despite being younger than me and her daughter is my daughter's best friend. She still finds it hard so the company does both of us good. The alternative on a Saturday night is to be home by myself, wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. So out of the two I would rather be out and yes I do enjoy myself most of the time now but it wasn't what I expected to be doing.

I'm still a hermit a lot of the time and I like being at home. So Izzie don't think I'm doing really well gallivanting out all the time. I see my children, my sister and a longstanding friend most of the time. I'm doing things that I feel safe doing, nothing challenging because it is challenging and I don't want to be doing anything challenging because I have enough of that with the rest of my life.

ali Izzie is right. I bet there's not anyone posting here that hasn't regretted hundreds of texts. I think I actually suggested during my 'begging' period that he could have affairs, his own flat, I'd become whatever he wanted, I'd work less, garden more, clean more, iron better, smile more, drink more/ less, entertain more, enjoy his music more, laugh at his jokes more, shout less, be happier, lose weight, wear my contacts more, spend less, you name it, I've said it or promised it. There was no end to my self humiliation via text. He pretty much ignored it all - until I started ignoring him. Now it's all too late and he can bugger off to Twuntsville - until tomorrow that is when I'll probably be crying over him. I think these roller coaster emotions are totally normal from
What I've read on here. However, there'll be non more begging.

Hello everyone, OH be here soon, going to help me get downstairs clean, let it all go this week, he knows why so I'm going to let him help me, his leaving has crippled every ounce of anything I have, he asked me if its ok to take the youngest 2 out this afternoon, I said of course it is but it's another reality I'm now facing, don't think I will ever be the same again, I love him so much

Thank you iwas. What I have taken from your post is that it's not necessary to keep challenging yourself at a time like this, when, as you say, there are too many already. And I know exactly what you mean about seeing friends you don't see that often.

I feel I now have permission to take things at my own pace

Thank you again. I think this will also help Wise and 1

Isn't it a shame that we don't live near each other? I would happily go out for a meal with you and have a good chat feeling I was on familiar territory.

frizzy I can almost feel the pain in your post. Do what you need to do today to get through it. No one will judge. Today WILL pass.

ali 1 the texts. A friend of mine who experienced a dreadful marital split a number of years ago told me that I shouldn't feel bad for venting to him or whatever. She said to me, and also told her ex at the time, that they could bloody well face the consequences of their actions. And if that meant being bombarded with texts or whatever, tough shit!

So I don't regret my texts. They allowed me to get it out of my system, directed my anger and upset to the twunt who caused it, and were representative of the person I was AT THAT TIME. And now I don't really engage much. That's how I AM NOW.

The begging etc. you know what, ladies. AT LEAST WE FUCKiNG TRIED. Which is more than they ever did. And it's something my sons repeat to me time and time again.

We are real people, with real emotions. Not some cold hearted machine.

Oh and here's the quote from you, 1. When you think of them ignoring it all, just remember :

It's easy to look righteous from an aloof pedestal of self delusion

iwas read your post and Izzie you are right about it helping. I think that when people in the thread seem to be in 'recovery' mode it most definitely helps others to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel but it can, I suppose, make others feel that there is something wrong with them that they are not recovering so quickly. A great post iwas

The bizarre thing I guess about MN is that we might live near each other and not know!!!! It's so weird how I now regard you ladies as 'friends' but wouldn't know any of you if I bumped into you in the street. Hey ho. I for one am just so glad you are all 'out there somewhere'.

I wish people lived nearby too. I am North East Hampshire. Any good?

All I have achieved so far today is getting clean and scrubbing the shower room. Need to get going. A strong coffee now I think.

Frizzy, Ali I so feel for you. It is all crap. I ran away the weekend he moved out. I can't type husband, I can't type ex I don't know what to call him.

Need to try mediator more, solicitor too expensive.

izzie you are so right - thank you.

I've actually said to H that whatever the right or wrongs of the whole sorry mess, I'll be able to look our children full square in the eyes and say that I loved their father with all
my heart, never lied, never cheated, forgave some pretty outrageous behaviours and still would have done anything, literally anything, to save our marriage and their family. He won't have that luxury. I hope he can live with himself.

frizzy and fairy I know how hard it is. Just do whatever you can. It's horrendous going through all this. My H told me he wants a divorce, he's been moved out for 6 months and doesn't want to come back. He looks like the man I married but is cruel and uncaring. I have accepted its over now, but I still have that hope that maybe he might one day change his mind, but I know he won't.

Now I'm crying but I will stop soon thank heavens not like a few short weeks ago when they debilitated me all flipping day sometimes.