HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

Well, Romeo and Juliet knew each other for five minutes. And we all know what happened to them.......

That play is the biggest load of shite ever.

Whatever the group will be called, they will eventually be Dire Straits

Evening all.
Just caught up on posts. It's not me with the problem then? Sometimes I think I'm going mad.

hobbit thank you for fab photo. I really laughed. I'm beginning to wonder what on earth I ever saw in him. I guess love really is blind.

bobs I find the put downs almost more hurtful than anything else. It's like he's not satisfied that I've accepted that our marriage is over. He has to stick the knife in and turn it too. It's worse when I act detached. The next few months are going to be intolerable. Thankfully though I'm off to a quiz tonight and he's off god knows where tomorrow night. There are so many things I'd like to say to him but trying so hard to stay civil for DS. I'm also anxious about riling him before we've any of the finances sorted. At the moment he's talking reasonably but goodness knows how it will all pan out.

green great news

Loving the band names. Here's hoping they are cheering the newbies just a little.

fuckit good luck

frizzy I can only reiterate what others have said. I found out at Christmas that my H wanted out of our 22 year marriage. I was totally inconsolable. I cried endlessly and just walked around with swollen eyes making more and more ludicrous excuses for my appearance. He still lives here unfortunately and only because I begged him. Our DC don't know. Only 1 permanently at home though. I honestly thought my life was over and am ashamed to say that when driving down dual carriageway I seriously considered driving straight into the back of a parked lorry so I wouldn't have to cope with the misery any more. I have been lucky to never have suffered from depression but can say that I had never experienced such dark thoughts as in those early days. I'm ashamed now.

However, 4 months down the road and I have had several whole days with no tears. I can never forgive what he has done to me and our family and once I realised that, I began to recover - helped enormously by these fantastic ladies. It does get better. It honestly does.

fairy he sounds as selfish as mine. I'm well rid and I have a feeling you will be too.

Quiz beckoning. Going to be interesting as spaghetti head still most definitely here. Can barely remember my name. Hey ho. Xx

I'm very annoyed with BT, is it OK if I rant?

Once the direct debit has come out of his account for the next quarters line rental, probably happened today or will be Monday, I want to have the landline account in my name and to change the direct debit to monthly rather than quarterly.

You can't transfer an account, you have to start a new one as a new customer, so they want to charge me a £50 connection fee, they won't actually be disconnecting or connecting anything, so they're essentially charging me £50 to change the name on the account. Unless I move my broadband to them and then they won't charge the £50 fee, but it's more expensive than Sky, so I pay them £50 upfront to do nothing or an additional £66 over the 12 month contract for slightly faster broadband. Feels like blackmail.

I need to speak to Sky, I'm thinking of changing to a cheaper package, but he hasn't changed that account into my name yet, and he is ignoring my messages, probably sore because I forwarded the email from the National Trust telling me when and where he'd used our family membership for a day out with her, with a note to say I'd cancelled the membership and he'd have to buy his own.

purple park yourself here, my love, post as often as you want. Someone will be along to reply specifically to you, I'm pushed for time at the moment. But you're in good company here. It's so unfair because you are dealing with someone who feels entitled to do as he wants, and has no brains to respect the fact that maybe you don't want to know about his two date bit. What a bloody idiot. Are we to deduce from his two dates announcement that he hasn't had much success up to now?? God's gift, he certainly ain't, methinks!

All dressed up now and ready to go out for DD's 18th birthday meal. Might have some of Aldi's finest alcohol as not driving. Both DDs have boyfriends (can't seem to write bf as that Hobbit's word for OW) so one of them is driving. Needs to get into practice for the cocktail bar tomorrow night such a lightweight

Yes fairy we all deal with it with humour because it covers up how we really feel and helps us feel better. It's interesting to see on here how much funnier you (we?) all get the further we get into this shit (or could be the alcohol!!!) I feel half upbeat atm and half depressed because it's a special occasion and DD doesn't have her dad around because he's a shit dad, couldn't give a toss, and makes excuses for not having to give a toss.

1 yes they will make it worse the more detached you get. They caused this and then wonder why you just want to move on. A gi-normous MEH to that!

Fuckit hope the meeting went well. It seems eons ago when we met on another thread and I'm glad you are getting round to it. Sorry I saw your post too late. PM me if you need any advice I might be capable/incapable of giving for the next one if you want!

Great band names Izzie however I do like Dire Straits - saw them twice in concert back in the day before they were famous.

Sorry purple hi and welcome. How old is DS? My DD is having counselling (CBT) which is helping.

Ooh we are all off gallivanting. I'm out with a mate tonight, going for something to eat and a catch up.

Jess pic today is now my phone background etc. it makes me laugh a bit every time I see it. The only problem is , is that I can't fit the exclamation marks into the frame. FFS, the only bleedin time we want them, and they do a disappearing act

Here are some I prepared earlier!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enjoy, bobs and 1

Meantime the twat has texted saying he assumes we weren't charged for the unblocking? Dickhead! .......I'm going to order a new Jess words of wisdom sign for such moments. Will ponder the wording later. And the punctuation exclamation marks of course !!!

NO DIRECTION ?

DAFT CUNTS ?

Sorry am in a really BLEAK mood today..

Braving it was with the financials where the ex became very passive aggressive. Totally ignored any attempts on my part to do as you are doing, ignored requests etc and became very ENTITLED. If he hasn't mentioned about stopping paying the bill, I would leave it for now, so as not to give him a chance to wind you up. Or rather, knowingly wind you up.

So far you have maintained a lot of control re packing up his things etc. So he will want to get some back for himself. Ridiculous. But then we know they are, don't we?

Wise so sorry you are having a very bad day today. Best advice would be to write it off, try and get to sleep ASAP. You have made progress, but you are in no mood to recognise that today. KOKO, know how you feel, we've all been there and still do on occasion x

Ha ha ha , Wise my darling, daft cunts really made me laugh!
Sorry you're having a bad day today, it comes to us all now and again , luckily on different days, so we can try and bolster the other friend up.

I call us all friends, because that's what we are, even though we haven't met, < only WWK> we are each other's lifelines, and I'm so happy I found this forum, only six months ago.

Awww..... I'm not out tonight, jealous cow
But... I am out tomorrow, gonna watch a film and chill now, I have made some new speech bubbles for Jess for tomorrow , so stay tuned...

hobbit I'm glad I found this forum too, feeling a bit calmer at moment, cried loads today, will be seeing OH tomorrow, so it'll all start again I'm sure but got some friends coming tomorrow night, just all feels surreal still

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, this is just for you frizzy my love to make you smile a little....

Ooops .. A bit blurred... It must be the vodka!! Try again...

I love it! Thankyou so much

She's supposed to be a lion, bit of a pissed off lion obviously....

You're welcome me duck! Gather your friends and family around you, you need their support at this tough time, x

Jess sends you her love, x

OMG that lion hat thing is just THE best !

She dosent seem to think so wise my love does she? Tee HEE x

Koko WiseOne, we all have bleak days. It's a roller coaster and this thread's the seat belt that stops us being thrown off.

I'm out all day tomorrow so hoping to avoid seeing twunt. He's coming round to collect something and I think he's planning on seeing me. But I'm at a history workshop, which he doesn't know about. It's great, doing all these things I've longed to do, but he would be either uninterested in or intimidated by.

I don't want to see him and end up raging like I did last weekend. I'm glad I've moved from heartbreak to anger. Took me bloody ages to find my anger, I wondered if I ever would? Still looking forward to meh though.

Hobbit, you mad woman, that dog is so perceptive. Good old Jess, spreading joy and wisdom.

Izzie The main thing I want to sort out is the car insurance, if I don't get a reasonable response from him in the next few days I'm going to change my policy anyway and let him have the effective date of the change, I'll give him plenty of notice, but he'll have to follow suit or he won't be insured.

I'll email him so I have a record that he was informed and had a chance to discuss it. That should teach him not to mess with me. He's really annoyed me with the National Trust things, it's so sleazy.

I was supposed to be going out tonight, but DD didn't want me to, even though I was leaving her with Granny :) So now he's stopping me getting some sort of social life and upsetting my baby.

"So you can him I'm coming and hell's coming with me" - slight misquote from Tombstone but you get the idea.

I knew that Jess was a cat really! I am guffawing at those piccies.

Welcome Purple to our bar - it sounds like you've had a tremendously difficult year to contend with, and you hit the nail on the head, it's not that they just walk out, it's the way they lie and behave after that causes so much more damage. You're just left, as Izzie described it so brilliantly: picking up the millions of pieces through tearfilled eyes and trying to put the jigsaw back together.

It does feel horribly unfair. It also sounds like you have more contact than you can strictly handle with him - is there anything you can do to reduce the amount of 'chit chat' to just functional access to your son discussions. Not having much to do with them really does help the emotional recovery, I think.

Frizzy the one thing I'm going to be really firm with you about: don't compare how you are handling it to how you perceive others are handling it - it's just a means of attacking yourself, and right now you MUST (by WWK decree) be kind and gentle on yourself. We all have total meltdowns, we all put on a 'face' and we all make progress as and when we can. Some people recover quicker, some much slower: this does not matter, what matters it that you heal eventually. Easiest way to heal is to be nice to yourself, build on your self-esteem, keep busy and cry your heart out for yourself. Nothing takes the pain away in the early months, we all know that but we also know this is not a competition nor a race. We aren't hares nor tortoises, just people dealing with a traumatic change as best we can.

Green that is fantastic news!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fairy it's a horrible conflict isn't it? When I talk about MrSW now, and tell people things that happened in the marriage, it's a wonder I ever married him in the first place! But I married you know, in good faith, and always believed in it. I didn't know I was married to a dirty disgusting man. I didn't know half of what I married. Utterly duped, I'm afraid. But your feelings are real and genuine so it takes time to conquer them.