HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

fairy you are doing the right thing by producing that list. Keep adding to it, it gradually chips away at your feelings for him. And lean on your friends, let them help, whether that be emotional or practical support. This is like a major illness or a bereavement. You need to give yourself a chance to absorb, mourn. It can be too easy to neglect your own needs when you have children. But you need to look after yourself, for all of your sakes. I will be thinking of you, as will all of us. We've all been there, and we know how utterly awful it is. Try not to look too far ahead. Take each minute at a time. You will get through this. None of us ever thought we would ever be able to function again, let alone begin to heal. But we are. And your posts make it very clear to me that you will too. Take care xx

Frizzy you are doing ok, stop beating yourself up about not coping, you are coping, as well as can be expected in the circumstances. The kids just don't understand the massive emotional impact it has, of course they don't , they have no experience of the pain and despair you're feeling.
So what if you haven't got dressed? Who cares? Your husband has just shit on you from a great height, and you are just supposed to shrug your shoulders and move on?

That ain't gonna happen my love, you are grieving the man you thought he was, the loss of the family life you thought was ahead of you, this is a shocking thing to have happened, if you had been run over by a bus, you wouldn't be told to just get on with things would you?

You need time to process this and it will take months I'm sorry to say, your children will be your rock, this man has already checked out in his head, you are playing catch up here. Have you seen a solicitor or seen a cab advisor yet? X

fairy I just don't know what to say, I keep reading your posts and wishing I was being as strong and brave as you, don't be too brave though because it's going to be tough and you need to think about yourself too

Hope you don't mind me joining. ExH walked out a year ago. Broke me and my DS into a million pieces. Nobody involved except himself!!! He has lied and casused trouble coming out smelling of roses because of said lies. Truth is coming out though - being late for his sons birthday party was just one example people saw.
I don't think I will ever date again as my heart is so damaged. DS now under counselling. Ex has no overnights with him etcetc.
He informed me last week he had met someone and it hurt so much.
Been on two dates and thought he would tell me! Why?
He is emotionally horrible to me, I pity the poor woman who will believe his lies - I am wife number two and I believed the shit he told me about number one (was also a load of lies).
He also joined a band!
Why is it so unfair

fairy, I keep a well hidden notebook which I write memories of Twunt's hideous behaviour. I originally started it to prevent me being hoovered again. Then for therapy.

Will be thinking of you tonight. You will get through this

We need to come up with Band names.

Mine wouldn't join a band, he is definitely a solo act

And yes, I agree with Hobbit re his bleedin guitar. I would like to get hold of it, smash the thing to smithereens and tell him now you are a proper rock star, smashing your instrument like The Who.

Jess good with her spelling too. Clearly you didn't get WWK to check it. Otherwise it may have said "his frickin grace" or such like......

Font can't have looked at the whole of the thread if the only comment she's made is about the handwriting. I bet she's sitting in front of the goggle box in readiness for the next episode of Poodick

Fairy'thats a good list my love, that should put some fire in your belly!
In all relationships we make compromises, that's what a good person does, but you have had to make all the compromises in yours it seems to me.

We do that though, as good mums, we always put ourselves last, but your fella seems to have put himself first at every opportunity, that's so fair of him isn't it?

And now he's decided that isn't enough to have his 'needs' met, he wants his 'muse' and his freedom from family life, whoop de doo for him!

What an asshat , x

Frizzy I can only repeat what Hobbit has said. Your way of dealing with things is perfectly normal, as is Fairy's. You are in deep shock, and it affects all of us differently. Do what is right for you, and not what you think you ought to do. Because there is NO right or wrong way to deal with this. Think of what advice you would give to someone in your situation. You would tell them to do what is right for them, and that this is not a race or a competition.

Band name suggestion: The Twatstreet Boys

Back again. Only for the first half of the thread I think as when they get long I can't load them!

Arranged first mediation midday, for six this eve. Nothing prepared but on the other hand little time to worry. I have to leave v soon and can't find what I am sure was a useful list of what to say do etc at mediation on another thread. If anyone has any words of advice please say. X

urgent advice now please for first mediation at 6pm today for Fuckit

Well I like "The Twunts" snappy, ain't it?

Sid Sideburns and the Shites?

"Deluded and Deranged"

"Timmy Tosser and the Tosspots"

And for fairy Wankbadger and Mairy Hinge, a fabulous new duo,

It's based on need, Fuck it my love, so a roof over your head and that of your boys is paramount. As is maintenance to cover the shortfall between your incomes. Length of marriage, whether you have claim on his pension, look at matrimonial causes act , section 25, all these are listed.

Too short notice to get supporting paperwork yes? Form E? Disclosure?
Proposals that have been put forward.

Honestly it's not as bad as you think my love, the fear of it is worse than the actuality. Keep focused, xx

It's just listing the assets of the marriage and how to divide them up fairly and in the best way for both parties. Stay calm and measured. You'll be fine. Good luck my love .

Love that pic of Jess :)

Fairy, I so need to make lists like that myself. I did start to and it lost momentum. Stay strong and keep posting to get you through the next 48 hours.

My H bought me an ice cream maker for my 40th birthday. Nothing else, he didn't even bother wrapping. Just gave it to me in the store bag it came in, saying "There you go"

Fuckit, wish I could advise, Ive not been there but really hope it all goes well for you with the mediation.

WWK thank you, you are so right. When he was mithering on about money and having to live on £6 per day I found it a LOT easier to start detaching. This is currently a whole new level of hell. He is permeating my thoughts every day now. The promises, the declarations of love, that I am beautiful and he has always fancied me. I keep thinking I still love him. This is NOT fair on me :(

The facts are, he rejected me sexually on a few occasions. I stopped trying it on with him in the end as the rejection killed my self esteem. Our sex life never reignited and we bumbled along for two years, having had sex maybe once or twice, both times totally disappointing (for me) as he just seemed like he couldn't be bothered pleasing me in any way.

If he truly loved me, why take me for granted for so long? why treat me like shit, make me lose confidence in myself. What with all the gaslighting and stonewalling that came with everything else on a day to day basis.

I feel the need to read my original thread in its entirety

Bands

Gods Gift and the Gobshites
Wailing Willy and the Wankers
Poxy Music
Tommy Twang and the Twunts
Dick Head and the Deludeds

Absolutely, me, it's always good to be reminded of the reasons why you're well off out of it. Whenever I've felt a twinge of regret, I remember certain events and scenarios, and I'm back on track

A little exchange with the ex, very typical of underlying issues. He texted about the taps, were they now sorted? My reply, yes, I did the majority myself and the builder just got the last airlock out of the bath. And that he was changing the stopcock and ball thing. His reply, oh that's good, he sounds helpful. My reply, it cost x pounds for him, and x pounds for the materials I bought to clear the original blockage........no fucking acknowledgement that I did any of it.

Two observations here.....one, I stayed calm and factual, didn't mention the fact of how long it took me etc. and two, I should have loaded both prices!

He's still in friendly mode. But still a fucking idiot.

Oh I love it when I give him no reason whatsoever to feel any justification for his running away. I very much want him to regret it. But I don't want him back here