HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

And it appears the next cycle has begun, nice enough worded txt but all about selling car and now finally agreeing to split money 59/50 but I'm not sure whether to ignore this, pass to solicitor or txt to say that any monies are meant to go in pot to be split at the end.
Plus, he wants me to claim rates relief as he's checked it out and I should be entitled to pay less but he's not going to pay any more.
He paid half of electricity bill today leaving me half.
What he hasn't considered in his tiny little fucked up brain is that I am more than capable of finding this stuff out myself and have already filled out my rates relief form ... Because lol, my solicitor says that the less he pays out then she just writes and gets more maintenance. ( I don't get any as he controls certain bills) and zero child support
So do you see the dilemma .. If I txt its letting him keep his sense of control and if I don't he'll crack up and dd will go through it again. WA have told me as little contact as possible. Plus I don't really want to talk about the fucking rates I want to know why he left and why he thinks he can still push me around like a piece of shit

roz nail on the head, even got it printed on his golf shirt (and very proud he is) tosser, he still doesnt get it, the deluded prick (sorry), apparently he has been amicable from the start of this (July 2014) obviously forgetting getting warnings from the police, solictor etc etc, drives me up the wall but sometimes I find humour gets me through x Form E been staring at me for a week, should do it but not in the right mind at mo if you know what I mean. Do you feel like when you're on the "up" you poke your head out and then you get shot down and have to work your way back up again?

livingwithSemtex sorry for poking my nose in but this sounds familiar... He too has been playing a dangerous game, coming close to getting arrested and then calms down and throws a bone to start process again ( like my last post ) .
I'm at the 8 week after he left stage and very confused still. I know I was better then got worse, yesterday I felt an up but today he's trying to reel me in again and I almost want to bite because I want answers... One of which is Why and the other... Is there a who ?
Conflicted today

Ali do NOT interact with him re the finances. As for splitting the money does this mean the debts and the pensions as well??? I believe someone said he could not sell the car?

The only reply you should give, if any, is to say you will pass his suggestions on to your solicitor - nothing else!

Ali you're not poking your nose in, sharing experiences, venting, giving support, is what this thread is about.

I know what you mean about wanting answers, that's why I posted about Chump Lady's "Untangling the Skein of Fuckupedness" the other day. I desperately wanted answers too and nearly drove myself insane trying to work out what had happened and why. It went round and round in my head, he'd done/said this and that meant this or maybe that. Or something else altogether. I suppose time passing helps and accepting he is just fucked up and that's nothing to do with me. Literally now. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it.

Living my own life is challenge enough.

living, my H said to me very recently "You're lucky I've been so amicable".
Amicable! He nearly drove me to breakdown, he was really cruel.

I just said "You're lucky I've been amicable", with a touch of menace in my voice and he actually backed down.

Trying with all my might at the moment to not ring him, just want him to change his mind but I know he won't, how can he go to work everyday like normal and just do basic things that I can't do like fucking eat, how do you walk away from 22 years, the person you've woken up with everyday and not miss them, felt a little stronger yesterday but now I'm back to misery and that scares me too

Ali you're not poking your nose in, thats what I love about this thread, You can just jump in, everyone knows none of us would do it to upset anyone, "The Shitbag" doesnt attend the MH on a daily basis to screw with my mind but still manages to with the help of my other 2 grown up children who he seems to have brainwashed or bought

Frizzy dont ring, I know its hard and we've all done it but it just adds fuel to the fire and gives them more ammunition or a platform to abuse you

living I'm just falling apart, I thought I was a strong person but this has almost killed me, we were so close, I've lost my soulmate and best friend, just can't believe he's given up on us

After reading all the new posts...I realise that these men are practically all the same.

The weasel has shown absolutely no remorse for the devastation he has brought on my family. He has shown no compassion for me after our 23 years.
He has never tried to come back. All he has done is attack me more and more. His latest solicitors letter accuses me of being unable to put my anger to one side and put the children first. He is going to bring that to the attention of the court. Plus following the breakdown of the marriage I should be moving on. I hate the words 'moving on'...I'll bloody well 'move on' when I feel like it not at his direction.

He wants to portray to the outside world that I'm the unreasonable (mad) one and that he is justified from walking away from me. If I'm that bad why leave the children with me.

I can identify with the 'evil shell'...I recognise the outside skin but the creature inside is a stranger. He may have the exciting new life with the nubile younger woman but I see his daughters snuggled up in bed I share their daily ups and downs.

He told my eldest daughter that he hadn't been happy so he needed to go. I just wish he had told me. He has always been 'quiet' and 'deep'. That was my excuse for him being an arsehole to my family.
If my children were at my mum and dads and he was picking them up he would make me ring and tell them to get the childrens coats and shoes on. He would reverse into their drive, the children would get in the car and he would drive off. No thanks for having them or anything.

Early in 2014 he actually tried to give my sister advice on her marriage! You couldn't make it up.

frizzy...you are still that strong person but you are trying to reason with the unreasonable. Try not to ring...it will give you a little bit of control.

I don't know how they manage to carry on with their day to day lives after they have ripped us apart but they do. You need to concentrate on you.

fairy...step back from the social media. I've been there to and I so wanted to put the truth out there but WWK on mumsnet pulled me back from the brink.

Don't do anything that could be used against you and unfortunately that includes putting anything online.

Come on here and rant and rave about these immoral twats.

How a woman that has experienced the pain of her husband leaving her for the OW then go on to be part of a marriage break up is beyond me.

You are better than these two.

Whyme funny, shitbag told me to "move on" too, yeah right because we can when we're trying to hold it all together, twat. Not sure where he's "moved on to" but it aint far enough as far as I'm concerned

exactly living...they have no bloody idea how we are feeling or what we are coping with. They created it but they can't comprehend it. I don't have an address for the weasel either but I believe it maybe under a stone somewhere in Sussex.

I just wish they would all piss off to an island (with the OW) and we could use a little bit of your semtex.

whyme this is all so fucking similar, they are all clones from the same motherfucker place !
I am desperately trying to hold out from phoning because I know he does this texting when he knows I'm down and vulnerable hence ... I know your mother is ill and I as trying to put this off BUT !
I know he needs the money from the car ( more than I do at this minute in time ) ... He claims its to help out ds in finding accommodation in London for uni work experience. BOLLOCKS
It's to get a place to take my dd or fuck some other woman or whatever his evil mind wants to do with it.
I know I'm bad when my skin breaks out in hives !
There are no explanations and frizzy, I fear we aren't ever going to get one. That's my big hurdle too. wny me yep, according to them we are just mental and my h is the same, can't even fucking look at me, yet he can sell his fairytale bullshit of him and dd living somewhere away from monster mum who he has to 'rescue her from ' when I'm being evil eg, you need to sort that mess of a bedroom out !
According to WA Magistrates don't look kindly on this 'rescuing' malarkey, they tell the twat that they should be reinforcing boundaries and discipline and not letting them run from it. Which I found reassuring ( for a day until panic sets in again )
I agree though about the social media thing, which is a funny one because all through this my h has kept me as a 'friend' on fb. I know his fucking game... He made the first mistake though when he removed the 'married to' bit, which really cut like a knife but strangely it was reinstated within a day. Although I didn't accept the request which means of course my name is not in bold, whereas on mine it still says married to. It's like, let's announce to the world we're free, yet as my friend says its just a very public way to show your friends and kids you're actually an asshole ! So I don't post stuff, I have a good nosey but he obviously restricts me.
I will post a good old NornIron thing I wanted to put on his page but wouldn't dare....

Whyme shitbag wont let me know where he's living "Just in case I decide to harrass him* funny.. he was the one who smashed my bedroom windows to get in one night oh and that was my fault..weirdos eh ..oh and as far as I know there isnt OW..work that one out please...

Ali He's not a police officer. Just a common or garden fuckwit, who amongst other things decreed I must not use a solicitor, must move out of my home and, funnily enough, became exactly like his father. A morally reprehensible arse.

RE: the selling of the car. If you agree to him selling it, and splitting it 50/50 then you can do that. If you don't agree to him selling it, and he does, then you can ask him to put the money to one side (in his solicitor's account) and not spend it. Otherwise it might get 'added back'. Personally, it's easier to take the money now if you need it. However, if you are claiming maintenance, then the lump he gives you might be factored in...so personally, I'd have a chat with your solicitor. If the car's worth peanuts, then just take the money now and not worry about it. If it's a Ferrari, on the other hand...

As for the other things, don't respond immediately. Just say re: rates. noted.

It tells him nothing about anything except means 'I've read it' now jog on.

Cutted I remember the shakes too. It's shock, adrenaline, fear relaying around your body. Yes, sex...just before they left. Shame they forgot to mention it was a 'goodbye' fuck. The best thing you can do for yourself is work on your self-esteem. It's the only way forward and no mean feat. Find things that you like doing, try things you've never tried before, and then decide if you like them.

According We are on the same page, completely.

Braving agree (mostly) There are some good reasons for not getting into a relationship during divorce...but dating - it gets you out and about and makes you feel good, then I think just do it. Talking to the opposite sex (or indeed same sex if you're gay) is not the same as having a relationship.

Roz so pleased you came back with that update. You've really detached and you're so much more confident sounding. I like it.

Frizzy fight the urge to ring him. It won't give you the answers you are seeking, it'll 'just' give you more conflicting information to process. You're going to be up, down and all over the place for a while trying to get to 'why'. Hobbit is completely right...he's because he's a cunt. That's why.

Fairy that's very tempting! Part of me thinks 'go for it' but my rational self says 'don't' it can only cause more trouble...as libel can be quite a ropey area to understand. It can also have tremendous consequences, not many of them good. I took have a blog and many, many, many times have thought about writing something on it. However, so far I've resisted. WhyMe is correct: anything we do (no matter what) gets manipulated and turned back on us, so at this stage, as hard as it is, it's about not making it easy for them to portray you as a vengeful wife.

"Sounds like we've all been married to the same bloke, is that legal ? Course it is, they said so!"

semtex I laughed out loud. I think we actually have!!

roz I love your posts. Everything you say is so true.

izzie yes the name thing. Been wondering about that? You sound strong today.

Can't stop as still at work - will catch up some more later but with every day that passes I know I'm better off without him. Trying to please the unpleasable is a fool's game. Mine is obsessive about recycling - funny as he has two very un-Eco friendly cars - and will actually search -yes search through the bins - checking that the kids and I haven't put something in the wrong bin by mistake - we have 4 different bins so occasionally errors do occur. He also gets upset if items for the recycling aren't given a thorough enough wash!! Why???? This is the same person who doesn't know how to use a washing machine and refuses to wipe the dog down if he comes into the house wet and muddy. Sorry ranting. Must go...

Too much to get abreast of on here. I have skimmed. You are all (yes including those who are sad) doing fantastically well. The social media stuff is dreadful isn't it? The OW in my case even posted pretending she was me, very strange woman. Her (their) baby was due this week although nothing so far. I really hope it fucking hurts.

I am going to try and negotiate via email for a settlement. I need this done.

Seeing the OH Consultant tomorrow. Need to convince him my disabilities explain my absences, but that I am fit enough to do job. They obv (and understandably) want 'reliable service' and I have not achieved that much over the past two years. Last time I saw him I bawled (again - I do a lot of that) and they suspended me as not fit for work, even though GP said I should return. Oh fuckityfuckityfuck.

I need back bone and I need it now!

A zen like calm achieved without drugs would do just as well

semtex oh yes - the hiding out thing - not saying where you live ! Effing pathetic...

I have just found out that mine is currently out of the country this week on a break with a family member and he has not even MENTIONED to my ( Our) son who is on FINAL exams all of this week on his Masters that he even has an exam - let alone 5 of them!

What a total c**t!

No "Good Luck" messages or anything but HE has sent him e mails telling him what HE has done each day and where HE has eaten, what HE Has eaten etc.... WTF ....

Didn't ring , he text to see how we all are this afternoon, I basically said the kids are ok but I'm struggling, he replied glad there ok, sorry your struggling is this what I'm owed after all these fucking years, weirdly, I cried at the school, saw a work colleague who couldn't hold in a tear when she saw the bloody state of me, which set me off, but that pathetic reply has given me a bit of "fuck you" feeling, hoping that'll get me through the evening because I've cried most of today, my 13DS is just cooking me mussels if I don't post tomorrow can one of you inform the coroner xxxx

Fuckit I'm all for negotiating via email re settlement if it keeps costs down. However do not attempt to do so until you have got full disclosure from him. IE you know what all his assets are especially the CETV of his pension. Also you should have a clear idea of what your needs are for the future (house bills, food etc) and how this compares against your income. Not sure if you have done that yet.

Only then should you start any negotiations, and only from a point of your knowing what is reasonable vs. excessive for you both. And regardless of what the mediator said, you should still state that you need a larger house in consideration of your DC.

Frizzy hope the mussels are in loads of garlic butter. Just don't eat any that are closed!!!

chin up frizzy