HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

The next 6 months starts today. Have my plans in place and know what I need to do for me. It's now just a case of when. Worst case scenario will push those plans forwards. So there is no worst case scenario. I'm a single woman and I'm proud of it. My family is complete, me, my wonderful sons, , my brothers, SILs and my adorable neices. And it is tighter now. One of my SILs reverts to us as the [surname]. The last time she used the name, I felt that me and the kids were [surname] too. It was like coming home. I'm back where I belong.

WWK I take your point about doing the FP. For me I already knew I was in a bad marriage and this is why I left. Obviously it's a personal thing what is gained by seeking support in whatever way one chooses. For me I know I am happier being alone and don't seek to validate myself in any way by having relationships or clinging to a bad one. I used to do this.

I think the point I was trying to make by considering it if I ever dated again is because I have made two bad choices in the men I have married and feel if I ever wanted to start dating again it might be useful to me. I really have learned a lot from reading and posting on this particular section of the board too. I ignored and minimised a lot of red flags in both relationships and almost feel a fool for doing do.

For now, it's lick my wounds, keep up with my own counselling. Deal with my crap childhood and see where I am after that. Not a person who should be out there in dating land at all

I've thought about dating, I suppose we'll all be ready at different stages, I'm at the point where dates might be nice and help my confidence but anything more serious than that would be a big no no. It's not going to be a focus but it's a possibility. DD comes first, that's the difference between him and me.

What's weird is how people think you have to wait some unspecified length of time, no one has said this directly to me but it's been implied, and they've said to friends in similar positions. I said to a friend the other day, when this came up, he's not dead, I'm not a widow, he's already in another relationship, so why do I have to wait some decent length if time?

I've been awake since 4:30. We have just spent our first night in the new house. We have a card gas meter. I had NO IDEA that £10 only gets you one evening of heat, not including baths (which we had at my mums before we left). I woke up freezing and found all the money had been eaten up. It costs £45 to change it to a quarterly rate, which obviously I will have to do today.
I also haven't finished the decorating I needed to do to claim the rest of my grant from the council. I've been doing it non-stop all week but they're coming today to check. NOt sure how strict they are about completion before giving you the rest of the grant.

I finally realise what a step down this has been! My MIL stayed with her husband through his numerous affairs because she was a wise lady. It turned her into a horrible lady, but nevertheless wise, I guess. Poverty doesn't make you kind either.

I caved in yesterday and sent an "I miss our life together" e-mail following the session of having to go through all my clothes. I have had no reply. On one hand it is good if he has moved on because I'm still terrified of his family coming after the children. On the other hand, his money has not gone into my account. He may have detached completely!

IZZIE a big thumbs up for your positivity this morning!

In fact a big thumbs up to all of us today x

Sorry for being brief - think I have a mild case of food poisoning and my friend's Mum died last night so feel a bit wiped out this morning.

morning ladies

there is so much on here that resonates with me
cutted - coward - tick I think I started to realise that DP has been playing me like the coward he is for the last two to three years of our relationship. He hasn't loved me but for whatever reason didn't tell me or want to make the break. this was me too - i think X was actually "looking" for someone for a long time

sex and love - yes get this too but cutted look at it this way it is possible to love without sex - you were looking for a connection and this was the only way you knew how - I need to find some words to say to you - look back at my old threads - you will see that I always thought it was me - every professional person I have spoken with is telling me This is NOT ME and it is NOT YOU either

We are all doing brilliantly. This is no stroll in the park. Will post properly later. Lots already to comment on but I have a full day at work here at moment.

izzie just had a quick skim read - I want to speak to you/ meet up with you - we are on the same wavelength - and then I saw your message that you will pm me - that coming home thing - i can tell you about this - have had the same feeling!

its the start of the next 6 months and 30 years!! remember what I have said - this was a practise run or a lesson to be learnt!

frizzy - I've tried everything to keep us going, but he's never been there for me? It's always been work first, kids then me somewhere? He's been so loving though, never doubted it really, but he's gone and I'm left here wondering what the fuck I could have done

there's only one answer to this NOTHING - absolutely nothing you could have done, did do, didn't do would have made any difference - this is all about them - the not growing up, the inability to face up to themselves, the inability to admit they are wrong, the list is endless - it is easier for them to throw away what they had and start all over again thinking that this time it will all be "happy ever after" - they will never find this until they can look deep inside themselves and as we all know this takes huge courage!

family some great words from you and you sound in a good place - KOKOxx
this says it all
They have to keep going with the behaviour they have started because to admit it is wrong is to admit they are wrong which for some reason they are incapable of doing.

drifted - good to see you back on here and noticed the name change too - you are sounding very together - do I sense a budding relationship with izzie

there is hope ladies this is all we need even if it is a tiny tiny speck!

braving - get out there - try meet ups - dating in disguise - no pressure lots of friendly people and all activities you can think of - and you never know what will happen

great for self-esteem - great for confidence - opened up a whole new world for me!!

oh and I dont go by timescales/ rules etc - go with what you "feel" - everytime!

re woman's aid - totally echo all comments on this

ali - i could have written your post - infact I probably have a few months back - what i have realised is the signs were always there - not obvious and you think its "normal" - its only when they escalate during divorce that you realise how "unnormal" it all was - and how serious!

well

And if you do, it doesn't mean you've failed. It just means you married a bona fide arse - made me laugh - he's an Arse alright - been discussing this with counsellor - X is off the scale as far as reasonableness goes - so who knows what is going to happen - but making full use of all resources to get me through this - big hugs to you xx

iwas thinking of you - be kind to yourself - im not sure what is worse sid being aware of yesterday and the flowers or not acknowledging at all - seems like still a bit of emotional nonsense going on here and your body is telling you this by the way you are feeling -
today is a new day - anything can happen and you are in control of your thoughts and how you feel - find something to be grateful for and the good feelings will come back!

everyone else - a good day to you all - i have more sols stuff to deal with but its small steps going in the right direction - that's all that can be expected in these tough times and sometimes there may be no steps at all - its just a day to get through!
KOKOxx

Morning everyone, I've not been around much lately, my life feels a bit like spinning plates. I just get one new situation sorted out, turn my attention to another and the first plate is heading to the ground.

Maybe this is what happens when we're having to recreate our lives almost from scratch. Takes some doing.

Sadly, considering the reasons for it, this is quite a fast moving thread. So I don't feel up to date with everyone's postings. I will add this though. When my H first left late last year he was full of "my New life, my New flat, my New stuff. Leaving my marriage behind, for my New life...." Excitedly, on and on.

He even had the nerve/idiocy to say to me that by leaving me he was leaving his abusive childhood behind, as he had abused me because of the childhood abuse.

You following that logic? I thought not. (BTW that lead to a huge row. Fucker, I'm not being put in there with his nightmare parents and step-parents.).

This morning he called and he's as miserable as fuck. On ADs, struggling with that. Told me he thinks he's lost a lot, by leaving. Generally miserable despite New life and New flat and New stuff.

I, on the other hand, now sleep well, am getting on with my new job, am making new friends, doing things and following interests I've always wanted to do. Because he dominated my life, I had none of those -job, friend, interest, sleep.

No longer do I worry about getting everything "right" ie. pleasing to the Unpleasable. I don't worry where he is, is he cheating again, what's he doing on his phone, will he be angry about [insert random event]?

He was always so critical about my children, other people in general, unless they were on some kind of pedestal. Rocky things, pedestals, you can easily fall off.

This weekend I spent a day at a history workshop. Brilliant. Half way through the day I realised that if he'd been present he'd have been critical of the archeologist's manner of speech, the other attendees clothing & social class ( too high, too low), various people's eccentricities (the very stuff of life), the practical activities (don't do it that way, do it this way & considering he knew better than someone with decades of experience). I'd have been tense and anxious and trying to placate him constantly.

Well that's over now. He's realising what he's lost and I can get on and enjoy life. Because, basically, this girl just wants to have fun. And now I do.

green your post - "there's only one answer to this NOTHING - absolutely nothing you could have done, did do, didn't do would have made any difference - this is all about them - the not growing up, the inability to face up to themselves, the inability to admit they are wrong, the list is endless - it is easier for them to throw away what they had and start all over again thinking that this time it will all be "happy ever after" - they will never find this until they can look deep inside themselves and as we all know this takes huge courage!"

True a million times over !

Roz - brilliant post - say it all really! He has to live with the consequences of his actions. you can now get on with your life - and you sound sooooooo positive

I have been told that my stbx is on ADs, BP sky high - as in 200 over something or other and is playing the poor me card and thinking he should retire early.

What is not being mentioned is does nothing to help himself - he is diabetic and on tablets for gastro problems - regulating stomach acid from eating rich food/drinking etc. However he does nothing to eat healthily and is drinking loads (I've seen the wine shop bills on his statements). He gets no exercise - pays gym membership for a gym he never goes to. Suffers from stress - will prolong the divorce stuff as long as possible which will only make things worse.

He has always been someone who expects others to sort things out - even himself, and then resents it. I just thank God that I have no responsibility to do so any more!

green your post - "there's only one answer to this NOTHING - absolutely nothing you could have done, did do, didn't do would have made any difference - this is all about them - the not growing up, the inability to face up to themselves, the inability to admit they are wrong, the list is endless - it is easier for them to throw away what they had and start all over again thinking that this time it will all be "happy ever after" - they will never find this until they can look deep inside themselves and as we all know this takes huge courage!"

Or even a zillion times! That's what I meant, with my looong post. All his adult life my H has blamed his parents, step-parents, ex-fiancé and then, in glorious technicolor, me, for all his unhappiness.

To a certain point, he was right. His horribly abusive upbringing had seriously damaged him. But rather than look at that, how it had affected him, he abused me. Blaming me for "making him do it". Even joining in with his hideous mother in her relentless criticism of me. Never once did he try to see where he could change.

So in the last couple of years as he began to truly reap what he'd sown in his relationships with others, it was all my fault. So if he left me, he'd be leaving all that behind. How his counsellor let him go along with this delusion (if he did), I don't know.

So he left, for his new life, only to discover "Wherever you go, there you are". I had tried warning him of that .

I was forced by his abuse, to look deep inside me. How had I ended up with 2 abusive marriages? Well, my abusive childhood had prepared me for that. So then, what am I going to do about it? I could be miserable, blame, accuse. Or I could work on myself.

I hope this doesn't come across as smug. I don't feel smug. I can see I made 3 serious life decisions, driven by childhood issues. They didn't turn out well. 2 abusive marriages and 30 years in a controlling religion ( some think it's a cult).

Now I'm working on me. I feel happy much of the time but I know there's tough times ahead too. But I'll get through it. I'm not going to be defeated and destroyed by the treatment of 3 people in particular who tried to destroy me.

Sounds like we've all been married to the same bloke, is that legal ? Course it is, they said so!

I have wondered about this semtex. They certainly all tick the same boxes. Often come out with the same phrases when accusing, blaming, rationalising, justifying, bullying, excusing, being laughably stupid.

I think I've just, finally understood your username. Was your H the "semtex"? I often thought living with mine was like living with an unexploded bomb. Say or do the wrong thing and it would go off. Not just explosive but unstable explosive.