HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

I've applied today for the CETV for one of my old private pensions, it's a frozen one from a previous employer, it'll be worth nothing but I decided it was worth getting for the sake of thoroughness. Can't get through to anyone to talk about the other one, might try emailing them, again it'll be worth next to nothing, but I don't want to give him any opportunity to say I've not disclosed everything.

Good Braving it's always best for clarity - though if it's pre marriage you could argue it's non-matrimonial. You never know - you might get a nice surprise (as did my stbx who recently produced his pre marriage frozen pension which was worth over 10x what he said it was!!)

So I am officially weak ! After the txt that he sent knowing I was at a low ebb I txted to see if he'd meet somewhere public to discuss issues that we can't really do between solicitors, such as f'ing horse, dd and her not sleeping and her exams. Of course he can ring me or txt me whenever and whatever but dare I. Just complete nonchalance and no reply because I didn't answer his fucking questions about money ! Bastard ! Oh what a total waste of space I am, not even able to pull it together for at least one day. I was actually stronger about texting just after he left. I'm just in a bad place because I can't control my own mind, too used to him doing that I suppose.
Fucking, fuck fuckity

Roz Ive been wondering how you are doing. This resonated with me so much

“How had I ended up with 2 abusive marriages? Well, my abusive childhood had prepared me for that. So then, what am I going to do about it? I could be miserable, blame, accuse. Or I could work on myself”

You could be me, I have exactly the same issues and have made the exact same decision, it feels empowering now. I used to feel so defeated about it all but not now.

Frizzy so so sorry you are feeling low, I really feel your pain from your posts and wish so much I could find something to say that would help you. I hope the mussels are nice, I love sea food.

Ali “I agree though about the social media thing, which is a funny one because all through this my h has kept me as a 'friend' on fb. I know his fucking game... He made the first mistake though when he removed the 'married to' bit, which really cut like a knife”

Same here, even though I left I was seriously mithering about seeing him for the first time having removed my wedding rings, I was going to put them back on! only to find he had already taken his off. I was also mithering about changing my “status” on FB only to find he already had. He was either stalking me on here (although I never mentioned anything about the FB status thing on here) or he really fucking did just want me gone and all this hoovering crap is a game to him. Maybe to make him look better in front of his parents/family? how I am just being so totally unreasonable and he is trying sooo hard. "She is refusing to go to counselling with me"

Pfft

Ali don't beat yourself up about that. Tomorrow is a new day

So much happening today. The first thing I noticed this morning were the comments about dating, ie when to. Braving made a very good point that they left, rather than died, so there is no respectable period of mourning to do. Totally in agreement with that. My thoughts are that it would be very easy to get into a relationship with someone to avoid dealing with the fallout from the major split. I think it's best to get one's head sorted, and to deal with the ending of one relationship before embarking on another. I know two people I have discussed this with. A female friend of mine didn't date for two years after her husband left. Her reason was that she was too upset to even contemplate it. She had two children aged 4 and 12 at the time, and went through a horrendous divorce finance wise. A male friend of mine left his wife, and actually didn't leave for OW, there wasn't one. He said he decided to wait a year before thinking about dating. On the other hand, the ex went straight into a rebound relationship, basically to spite me, and has never got his head sorted re our issues. I've decided that I will wait until I feel I have properly moved on and know the person I am and what I really want from a man. My concern is that I would pick someone too like the ex, and that I would end up with a similar set of issues. I'm not overly concerned about the rest of it, as I tend to gravitate towards safe, reliable men. However, I'm not sure what I would want from a relationship. I like to think it would be one where I have plenty of time to have my own space, but I would be concerned that it would become too full on. I don't feel the need to be part of a couple. I would rather be by myself than be in a relationship for its own sake. Sometimes I think I would like a relationship, but at other times I don't. I think my focus is on sorting out the practicalities of my life, and I am concerned that if I were in a relationship, my time and attention would be diverted elsewhere. I don't feel I have anything to prove to the ex by getting into a new relationship. In fact I told him quite a while ago that I was going to do this properly, and not go into a rebound relationship, port in a storm thing, because I had the guts to see it all through myself. Actually though, I don't really care what he thinks. He knows that when I left the marriage a number of years ago, the man I subsequently met was a decent and honourable one, and he has not been able to criticise him for anything. So the ex knows that I am perfectly capable of pulling a really worthwhile man, and that I won't be settling for any old shit. As he turned out to be in more recent years.

Those are my thoughts on the matter. But as Green said, I think everyone is different, and we probably know when the time is right.

Ali he is a controlling bastard. He's playing games with you and dragging you down. It happens to all of us to one degree or another. It doesn't make you weak. It just makes him a controlling bastard. You are still here holding on. Big up to you for that

I will post more later on. I ought to get a few things done here

Hi Izzie Actually though, I don't really care what he thinks is the most important bit here, you sound absolutely lovely on here and are such a supportive and reasoned poster. I love reading your posts. You will be a brilliant catch for a special man one day

Resonated with a lot more of what you said there too. My first exH left his gf for me, I wasn't the OW, I refused to be. Told him to go and sort his life out first and come back to me when he was free. When we split up, he was straight back out there, numerous gf's one after the other. He doesn't stop continuing to dip his wick where he feels like it though. He even had the nerve to call me once for advice on a woman he was seeing, when his gf was pregnant. I gave him very short shrift for that and he hasn't sought my advice ever again. Tosser. He is still with that then gf, and they are married with another child now. Poor woman. My oldest reports they do not have a great relationship at all, bad atmosphere, rows. Wouldn't surprise me if she ever posted on here sometimes.

I am now mid 40's and suspect the dating game has changed a lot since I last dipped my toe in the water. It scares me to be honest. I don't want perfection, I just want perfect for me and I suspect that doesn't actually exist. I am already making plans for travelling again in about ten to 15 years, I have always wanted to buy a camper van.

Braving sounds like we are at the same stage re divorce, I had a pension from an employer about 28 years ago which was frozen (worked there 5 years) got a very nice surprise with the CETV, he is obviously entitled to half and vice versa, his is worth lots lots more.good. Have you attempted Form E yet? I find it scary, so its still sitting there waiting for me

Oh Paddling I'm so sorry. It takes grit indeed to zip up and smile when that is shoved in your face.
You must feel absolutely bereft.
Here is a hug ((((((())))))

Aw thanks according, I think sometimes I sound like a nutter on here. Although in fairness, the rants are always connected to the ex. He brought out the worst in me. And yes, some people just rebound from one relationship to another. It doesn't make them happy, does it?

I must admit too, the thought of actually dating terrifies me too. It appears you need to know your stuff before getting involved in online dating, although in fairness a friend of mine regularly used match.com and had no issues. I like to think that a relationship would develop with someone I already know, for example a work colleague. Better change my job then . The other thing that I've noticed is that although there was just 18 months between me and the ex in ages, previous boyfriends were always a fair bit older than me. And I've generally found older men more attractive. Except now I'm 54, I look at older men and think, oh my Christ, I don't think so! I find younger men physically attractive, but I've no interest in them being much younger than me. It just doesn't sit well with me. The man I met after I left my marriage was a lot younger than me, I didn't realise it when I first got to know him. Oh I just never felt comfortable about it. A friend of mine who dated loads of men post divorce summed up younger men, saying it was like gaining another son! So look like I'm a bit fucked for choice, really! Mid 40s, your age, older men are fine. My age, well, it's Pop in Parlour stuff, isn't it . Ooh I think I may have to just get myself a dog again. No, I'm not a bleedin preveet, I just mean a companion. On the other hand, maybe one day I will be friends with someone of a very similar age to me, who I already know, who meets my exacting standards, who can put up with me, haha. Oops, just hit my head on a flying pig.....

Travelling sounds good. Remember the advert, "if only everything in life were as reliable as a Volkswagen". Or was it a Peugeot??

Oh Paddling, love is a much used word. She is fulfilling the role of auntie. My nieces love me lots. But they love their mum best of all. And they certainly wouldn't think I was so wonderful if they lived with me. I know it feels like the OWs have stolen our lives. It's bloody unfair.

Paddling I cannot even imagine going through that. How utterly devastating, you poor thing, is there someone you can call on to come over and be with you tonight? ((hugs))

Izzie you have never sounded like a nutter to me and yes to ranting about the ex. I have quite a lot of rant in me to spend somewhere sometime. I'm glad I'm in counselling to be fair, and also VERY glad I found you all here.

I prefer my men to be older than me or around the same age (to reminisce about how actually the 80's WEREN'T that bloody good, among other things)

Anyway, as I said earlier, that's all pie in the sky for me right now. Like Roz, I am working on me. My youngest is nearly 12, Ill see her through her secondary school antics and stay here but once she has flown the nest I am really seeing a bit of freedom to do what I want to do one day, maybe join some eco-commune and live off grid, get my camper and travel. Who knows? I have always wanted a dog too, never had one as have always worked full time so didn't seem fair.

I've just started looking at Guardian Soulmates.
I haven't joined. I know it's too early to do any dating or whatever it's called these days but I though looking might be therapy.

Because I bloody well want my DP back

Paddling the other point is that their"relationship" with her is in the honeymoon phase. Everything is great then, isn't it? That won't last. She will soon be hearing things like "mummy does it this way", and thus starts the reality of trying to accommodate other people's children into a relationship. I'm sure I would be like Mary Poppins at first, but I would soon get fed up with. to being able to deal with them as I did mine when they were younger. And it's also very common for the parent and new partner to clash over the way to deal with things. A friend of mine has had endless rows with her new H about the way he fails to discipline his son, the way he lets him run riot in her house. And the H in turn criticises her for what he sees as over protectiveness of her sons, and putting them first before him.

A word of caution about online dating. I'm as positive as I can be that the ex met Nutty Nora online dating. Be very careful

Livingwith semtex I don't think my old pensions will be worth much, I suspect his one pension will be worth more than my three combined, but I'd rather be totally honest, with not potential for come back.

We haven't got to Form E yet, but I think I'm prepared, just one more thing to sort out and then I'm paying everything for the house, it's all on a nice spreadsheet :)

I haven't actually started divorce proceedings yet, I'm waiting for the CETVs to come back for our main pensions and then I'll make an appointment.

Izzie I've gone and blooming joined haven't I.
Just window shopping. It gave me a tiny mischievous boost for a micro moment. Which I haven't had in a long time.
I haven't put my picture up yet and don't think I will for a while if ever.

Cutted haha good for you! I did look at one maybe a month ago, can't remember, and I put in my age, area, just for a laugh. It was maybe the Telegraph site? They really go into detail there, about the men and their opinions. One looked considerably attractive, but I think looking at his interests etc he would have thought I was an ignorant peasant. And I did wonder if maybe he was an arrogant twat. Obviously, because he wouldn't have liked me. There was only one rally dodgy one. He looked like something from Jeremy Kyle, was 60 and went on about when he made love to a woman he liked her to feel she was special etc etc. and I got the feeling he was a Casanova. Although quite who would go there baffled me. Anyway, the age range he wanted was something like 25 to 35/40, dirty old git. I just though Ting Tong and Thai brides etc. I did wonder what on earth I would put in my profile though....interests, erm, just pottering about. Sports, no ta. Religion no ta. Eating out, nothing exotic, prefer a pub meal to anything posh. Actually would be impressed by Nandos. Hmm, think I need to work on myself a bit

Cutted I've done the window shopping thing :) just wanted to check there are some reasonably presentable men out there for when I'm ready, and there are loads :).

My mother-in-law had just been around to tell me she met H for coffee today, doesn't sound like much of a conversation she thought he didn't look well and was scruffy. She asked him if he was happy and he said he had a lot if things going around in his head!!! Dunno what that means. She told him she's 100% behind me and DD comes first. He did say to her that I've done nothing wrong, which I haven't but that's one thing he has taken responsibility. Its not much but its something.

Paddling That sounds hard, remember she's a novelty and will be on her best behaviour, it won't last, and no one is better than mummy.

I'm thankful my DD is older.

Just been on the Ophelia Rose threads, just reading her posts really. But picked up some wise words from Font re not texting when they are goading

"Do not respond.........The brief satisfaction you might derive from a smart retort just isn't worth it. It achieves absolutely nothing. As soon as you respond you are giving him back the power. The power to ignore you in turn, the power to twist your words to his own advantage, and the power to come back with another cruel text designed to inflict further hurt ... and a dialogue ensues that is both point scoring and pointless at the same time. .......Ignore, ignore, ignore - should be your mantra at all times. Retain your silence, and your dignity........At the moment I would bet my life savings that he is irritated, agitated and puzzled by your lack of response. Keep it that way. Don't give him a single morsel of anything."

Oh just think how much time I could have saved myself if I had read and taken this on board 6 months ago
Although possibly I would have imploded .....

But yes spot on advice. And finally, I got the message

Semtex re. Form E, I strongly recommend you break it up into it's sections rather than think of it as one big job. And then tackle a section a day. You'll be astonished how quickly some sections can be completed. Then it's done for the day.

It makes it so much more managable that way. The hardest section to complete is income needs, so you want to print out all you bank statements for 12 months, then allocate each transfer into 'rent/morgage', household bills, insurances, coffee, cat food etc (easiest on a spread sheet). Add up, divide by 12: bingo - your income needs. That's the biggest job. It's doable in a day or two, and you can buy wine. Don't forget to think about 'hidden expenditure' e.g. stuff you pay in cash, e.g. car washing, lunch money etc, so keep a cash expenditure diary. After that, the rest of it is a doddle to complete.

The main traps to watch out for are 'contributions to marriage'. Answer is 'fully'. And lifestyle. Be realistic and brief. Also 'conduct' don't make the mistake of sounding really angry and bitter there. I put 'nothing special' in mine!. That was the advice I got anyway.

Frizzy any contact from them, reasonable or otherwise, just hammers home the hurt and distress you feel. So don't think you're being affected in any other way than usual. This shit hurts. Cry your heart out and don't be embarrassed about it.

Fuckit I also say 'don't do social media' it just rubs salt in the wound and keeps the focus on them, rather than you. And you're the one who matters most here. But it's so hard to not want to know.

Ali you're not weak, you're just struggling to get through this - like everyone else in this boat. Stop being horrible to yourself. Anything you do is going to provoke a strong reaction in the other person, it's impossible to get anything right in this situation. Goodluck with the OH consultant. You shouldn't under-estimate the stress you're under so stop expecting to be coping any better than you are. And the stress will be exacerbating your physical health.

Paddling that's so hard to read. No wonder you feel so devastated. I remember my (ex) stepchild doing something similar to his mum when he was about 7 and she was in bits about it (perfectly understandable) but the truth of the matter was explained to him: she loved him, and he loved her, and she was an excellent mum. Yes he had fun when with us, but that's because she was an excellent mum that made sure he got to go to school, and do his homework, and kept him clean and clothed. That if she wasn't an excellent mum, then he wouldn't be able to have good times with us. It was made clear to him then, and you might want to remember this yourself: It's so easy being a children's entertainer rather than a parent. But good parents are irreplaceable - and are their whole lives. Children's entertainers are merely hired help.

Cutted throw in a photo! All or nothing, I think. And well done you for doing it.

Wise He's a self-absorbed cunt. You planning a holiday for yourself? I think you should.

According/Izzie dating scares me too. I like meeting people and chatting to them, but the idea of being romantic or 'involved' turns me cold. As for sex .