HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

Well I think it's amazing that you work full time Izzie595. I only hope that I will be able to handle it. I read that you have 3 children too! I only have 2. I'm just not sure I can physically do everything that's needed. Then again, that's why the internet is brilliant. I have been doing online food shops. I find it really cost effective.

Bobs ... Oh dear God, hope your ex isn't one of my fecking relatives then ! I'd have to have a word lol. Sure that makes sense then given that my h is a twat too.

Izzie sweetie, I'm here to listen, feel like you're on one of my kick the door moments, when all the frustration and anger has to come out somehow but there's no doors left ?

So had my Women's Aid meeting and honestly it helped so much. Just to be heard and get confirmation that yes he is an Emotional Abuser of the highest order ( in fact could probably be club president if they had one ) was such a release. To be shown the cycle of EA and where I'm at and that its normal to miss him despite the abuse. I'm only at the beginning of this journey, I can see that now and it's going to be very difficult to break away from the emotional abuser and his control that he still holds over me even though he chose to leave. Anyone who has someone like this to deal with, I cannot recommend WA highly enough. I may once have scoffed at such an idea but not clearly see the fabulous and tireless work they do. They can and will accompany me to any court proceedings. I'm sure they've been mentioned on here before but today they really helped me and could help some of you lovely ladies too.

He's here now and I'm getting a headache

Been to our little shop and spent £20 on little deli bits, not making any promises but you never know, while in there a half price bottle of prosecco accidently fell in my basket thought oh fuck it, it's in there now, been for a walk and had my first real glimmers of angry, he has done this to himself, me and our kids, all because he bottles everything up and is a total workaholic, I know he's in a bad place at the moment, but nothing will change what he's done and the loving husband I knew is all but gone, am angry that he chose work over us, every time and let things get to this point, waiting for my son to get back from the doctors right now, purely because of his choices, I hope DH will be happy because this never had to happen, and one day I hope it tortures every moment of his existence, because my life is fucked now, God I want to smash his face in right now, but I know I'll wake up tomorrow with that awful dawning realisation that he must loathe me so much he left the kids he worships

sakura working full time basically means that one thing is done at the expense of another. I have two adult sons living with me though, so you "only"having two children, are doing a lot better than me, as yours need childcare. I take my hat off to you. I work with plenty of mums who have young children, and it's really difficult for them....and a lot of them have partners. I totally agree about internet shopping, I always do my food shopping online. I think also, chores wise, you just do what needs to be done as there isn't the time to fit it all in. I'm lucky that I get a lot of holidays in my job, so I get a chance to do things in that time that would otherwise never happen.

ali thank you, appreciated. I may PM later, but at the moment I'm just going off thread. Thanks

Well I thought I'd lost the ability to feel forever, but it seems I haven't.
MY mother is still away with her boyfriend and I am moving the children into the new house today.
Well I am having to throw all my clothes out of the wardrobe and into binbags to drive them to the new place. We literally arrived in the country a few months ago with two suitcases of stuff. I stuffed in as much as I could because I had invested a lot in my clothes.
Well it seems that each item is cloaked in memories. He used to buy me clothes. I was never into it at first because I felt like clothes weren't a priority for me but it was partly his culture. He would buy things that suited me from nice shops. SO basically about 40% of the clothes I have were either bought by him or together with him.
ANd it is just so sad. I miss him finally today, for the first time . BUt he was so evil to me towards the end because he was fucking somebody he worked with and I was a hindrance to his happiness.
Right now he's asking for me to come back and it's so so tempting to go back. I had a "lifestyle" and now I've got a council house. I just can't ever forget how he treated me. I could forgive the affair, but I can't forgive his disdain. He is being contrite now but he should at least have been NICE to me while he was dining out with this other woman. But he wasn't. Quite the opposite.
The whole thing is just so awful and it's just about hitting me now. I do feel that I've lost my country, my friends, my life, everything. I might have made it work over in his country as a single mother but there would have been too much leeway for his powerful family to manipulate my children against me and that was a risk I couldn't reasonably take. THere's no way I could have competed for my children against that clan!

all because he bottles everything up and is a total workaholic

And that, Frizzy is why my marriage failed. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It's him. He's a fuckwit. Get angry, there is no point in trying to reason with a fucking idiot. It took me a long time to realise that, but now I'm cured

Ali thats a lovely tribute to WA and I am so glad it has helped you. I have thought about doing the FP online but am going to leave that for a time when/IF I ever think about starting to date again. Right now it is not on the cards.

Izzy/Frizzy mine bottled everything up too, went into shut down mode. What was that stupid book "Men are from Mars" about going about "Man caves" like it was totally validating this sort of behaviour and we women should just expect it from them..fuck dat.

Sakura sounds to me like you made the correct decision for you and your children. You WILL be strong again and you will make it. Sounds like you have had one hell of a journey to freedom. I hope your new house is nice.

Braving hope you are ok?

Thinking of you today iwas hope you are ok too, I'm dreading the anniversary time too.

No more fuckwittery from him today which is a relief, but its early yet. Ignore detach ignore detach.

Too many "wells" in that paragraph

Thank you AccordintoMe :)

Hey Frizzy little deli bits and prosecco. Sounds wonderful - enjoy

ali aren't they all related? glad WA was such a help. You just need to get DDs eyes opened now....

He's taken dd out for tea.

Apologies for the length of this rant, need to get it out :)

He came over, walked in all bright and breezy, (but knocked before coming in for some reason - that's new) he clearly had something to tell me, but rather than just telling me he's going to be moving in with her (didn't say when but presumably soon) he decided to start looking through the his boxes and said he might as well start take some boxes to sort through. So of course I took the bait and asked him, he couldn't even look at me, such a coward.

Anyway he's taken some of the boxes, which gave me some encouragement to fill some more, so I've cleared his wardrobe and his stuff from the utility room. Just the spare room to sort now (then the shed I'm not doing that) which I'll do before he comes again, don't want to start it now and be in the middle of it when they come back.

So pretty much all the day to day finance stuff is now sorted and he's paying his own car insurance (didn't take me off the policy - don't know why we did it in front of each other and I took him off).

Before he left he asked me if I'd looked into re-mortgaging, clearly not keen to live in a rented house with her - major come down for both of them I'm sure - I reconfirmed that I'm not doing anything without the pension information and when we have that I'll speak to my solicitor and we can start to negotiate. Apparently he's not talking about a divorce, just sorting out the equity - I've already told him I'm not prepared to hand over £££ without it being done as part of a divorce. I asked him again, why does he think we're not talking about a divorce - no answer.

Apparently she's not getting divorced yet - what the hells that about ????

Unfortunately he's got a number in his head for the equity and it's different to my number, which is at the top end of what my solicitor suggested. I had assumed he was getting some advice from her and might be more realistic by now but maybe not. He'll have to negotiate, one way or the other. He seems to have assumed my pension is worth more than his, nightmare !!!

Anyway they've gone out for dinner and I've put a frozen lasagne in the oven, but at least I've got the wardrobe sorted. It's going to take weeks to get the house straight but I'll get there.

Apparently DD can go to see him at his new house anytime she likes once he's moved in. I'm not sure that means overnight as far as I know there isn't a bedroom for her there. I need to speak to DD about that when she gets home, don't know if he'll mention it to her while they're out. I'm not sure she'll be very keen just yet.

They're back - that was bloody quick.

He did mention it and she doesn't want to, but didn't tell him.

Well done Braving stick yo you guns till you have full disclosure - CETVs etc

Re the car ins it can be cheaper to leave someone on it rather than remover them. However you might not know their claims history as time goes on

It would have been slightly cheaper to leave him on but only a few pounds, I'd rather have him of it and sorted, he's not going to be driving it anyway.

Also it makes it clearer if needed that it's my car for my sole use and his car is for his sole use, I don't want to get stuck with paying for his MLC car.

izzie frizzy according and mine was another one. When he was having doubts about us he didn't tell anyone, me, his friends, his family, just came to his own conclusions in his head without sounding them out that this was normal and could be saved. He's always been emotionally close and never really confided in me, which was fine when life was easy, but when kids, work, a house etc. get in the way. And I'm not a great listener sadly so I think we were doomed.

Son had melt down at Gps, he's signed him off for 2 weeks :( he's ok, his boss has been good, son teaches sport, he is amazing :) he was a county cricketer from 11-17 in our county academy on the England pathway until his grandad died and he suddenly thought, life's for living, we were gutted but just wanted him to be happy, and he is/ was, God he was an amazing dad, I'm sure he still will be, but not as my amazing husband, he loved me so much, never doubted it, What an absolute fuckwit to lose us like he has

My stomach is in a big knot again now, had a little cry and a hug with DD. He's really not worth crying over.

I've got to see him again tomorrow for DDs hospital appointment.

Frizzy It sounds like he needs some time out, very mature to get himself off to the GP (I've forgotten how old, sorry)

Fairy Mine "thought he was happy" until he met her, that would be because he was happy.

Pathetic the lot of them.