HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

Has anyone had trouble with dc not sleeping as teens. My dd has missed so much school but I was up in the night with her and she's so stressed she can't sleep... Do docs ever prescribe anything to get teens back into regular sleep pattern ? I'm literally lost what to try next but hate the thought of meds at 15. I hate that he could walk out when she was already self harming and like this ... I know he'll try and use it to his advantage to say she'd be better with him.

iwas flowers

My wedding anniversary was just a few days before I started posting on here. It was terrible but in a way was also rock bottom for me and it was the day I knew I had to stop sinking and start paddling. I guess it was 'my silver lining' bizarrely. Little consolation I know for others, but thought it might help to share.

Well, can't avoid getting up any longer. KOKO all xx

bobs I think it is because we have not had a proper "talk" for a good couple of years really. A lot of things he is saying now are things we really should have talked about when we were together, he just chose not to and let it go from bad to worse, leading me to make the hard decision to leave.

I did read some of my thread last night before bed. I'll finish it today as I got to the bit where my baby cat had died and I felt overwhelmed by emotions again.

iwas thank you again, you speak sense.

wwk thanks for your insight. At least that's confirmed. It just didn't sit right that I had to be involved in him resolving that issue for himself.

I've told him I do not want to go to counselling with him. Plus I am having counselling on my own right now so need to focus on that.

family any male can produce a baby, but it takes a real man to be a father.

iwas thinking of you

I am so sick of him occupying my thoughts recently, much more than usual. I don't want anything to do with him, have no respect or finer feelings for him. I just want him to disappear from my life and my head.

He's an emotional fuckwit. That's why it went pear shaped. I don't need any more explanation than that. Sick of it. Frustrated by it

Family, hi my love, you sound so strong, well done, as per your dickhead. See Jess picture, that's all I need to say really!

It's a feckin' cow Wwk look got horns and it's black and white!

Izzie - of course I don't mind though I'm no advice guru. I just posted how I felt.

See! Daisy the cow! You need to go to specsavers

Jess has a new toy! Joy of joys,

Yep, chin up lovely iwas , you are a x

Well from that angle it's a cow. From the other angle it's a fricken' sheep!

(or you changed the hat!)

Thank you for your messages of support. I had a friend pop round last night and she stayed until late because I was upset. Sorry I haven't replied to the rest of you having a shit time at the moment. Ali I'm sorry your mum isn't good and Hobbit I thought it was a sheep as well, sorry.

I'm not good today. I didn't get much sleep, my eyes feel heavy. I just feel so sad that this has happened, it feels like a bad dream sometimes but it felt so very real when I woke up this morning by myself on my wedding anniversary while my husband was next door in bed with another woman.

This time last year it was our Silver wedding anniversary, we had a nice meal, I had some lovely flowers, we even had sex. I was happy, I was loved, I was celebrating being married to a lovely man for 25 years.

But he's even take that memory away from me because he was seeing her then, playing at a happily married man celebrating the day with his wife while he's going to bed with another woman and sending her dirty texts.

Today should be a special day, but it's not anymore, it's a day of sadness instead.

I feel angry that he's done this, he ruined everything that was good between us for a bit of "messing about" and buggered up our children's stability and belief in him at the same time.

He texted me this morning to say "Hope you're alright x" I'm bloody well not alright. He's appearing to care by texting me this morning and we talked about our anniversary at work yesterday but why couldn't he have cared enough to not bed other women in the first place.

Because that's who he is, Iwas he kept his true self hidden from you for a long time, the man that wants a family life, but needs his 'bit on the side' to boost his pathetic ego as well .

That is in no way any fault of yours, or a reflection of your naivety, you were deceived, tricked, lied to, you had no reason to doubt he wasn't the husband you thought he was. Why would you? You based your assumptions on your own character, some one who is honest and genuinely caring, who would never treat the person who purported to love you in such an appalling way.

This year is going to be a difficult anniversary for you, next year it will be different, stay strong my love, we have got your back, xx

Thinking of you all and off to my first freedom thingy today with Women's Aid but thought I'd give you all a laugh at my weirdest dream yet about h.... Must have been all the sex talk last night on thread but ( tmi I know ) but there we were h and me in dream, doing the deed and I go to look hat him and he literally goes and turns into a freezer, like wtf !!! Analyze that lol ... And no Hobbit no sausages or carrots in there... Fecking empty ... But like his head !

some lovely words of support on here - iwas thinking of you today is just a day to get through in whatever way you can - tomorrow is a new day!

hobbit your humour is coming through thick & fast - loving all the photos of Jess

izzie have you looked up the meetups yet - think you need a new focus in your life

well good to hear you are doing ok post divorce - still a lot to come to terms with

why, family bobs - hello to you
all you new ladies - apologies for general post but cant keep up - you will get through this as hard as it seems right now - your emotions are all so raw still but little by little the hurt will be less

seems we are all in hard place at the moment - this weekend last year was when I found out about OW and had to get police out to trace X who had gone AWOL - in some ways can't beleive that this was a year ago - so much has happened but nothing has yet changed if any of you can get this.

I am now building up to exchange of Form E again ready for court date and my anxiety has increased and the disturbed sleep has returned. I am having extra counselling to develop some coping skills to get through this. My head has been in a relatively good place despite going through the cancer treatment and I dont want to lose this feeling however how I hang onto it i have no idea. I have to give some thought as to how far I want to take this process I guess weighing up the financial implications against the impact on my mental health. My DS's behaviour has also noticeably changed after improving for a while - we are back to the bad language and abusive behavior - no surprise really with what he is having to go through.

One thing I have noticed being off here for a while has given me some breathing space and allowed feelings to settle a bit - some of you older ladies may want to give yourself a break for a bit and see if it helps - izzie thinking of you here!

big hugs to all KOKOxx

That's a strange one Ali, maybe because he's so cold towards you and his hearts a block of feckin' ice! KOKO , baba, x

I have resumed my social life. I also work full time. And also not exactly sure how I was expected to just live without a kitchen when he fucked off. I'm not living in a shit hole just because someone's idea of solving a relationship problem is to shag someone else.

family glad you appear to have got over the shock of OW and her baby the other week. Good typing for 3am! I do hope you get your promotion - go you

iwas thinking of you today - hope you're doing ok Just think it'll soon be tomorrow and another shitty day over in your life.

Hobbit what even is that in Jess's 2nd pic? And before you ask - I went to Specsavers yesterday (have to make the most of my NHS exemption certificate as I won't get another after October) However they said I don't need new specs but let me have a pair of reading glasses instead of my varifocals for dedicated reading.

ali - no he's from the north!
Re DDs and sleeping...DD1 had this problem at 15-16 and went to the doctor. He wouldn't give her anything and wanted her to keep a sleep diary. This would flag things up like inconsistent bed times how long is spent in the bedroom (in bed and not sleeping) time spent on laptop/phone just before sleeping etc. All these things have to be looked at first.

The doctor would be more likely to suggest something like CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which has helped DD2 - especially with the self harming and she would be referred to CAMHS. ADs take a long time to kick in and the side effects can be unpleasant, especially if it's the wrong one, in which case another has to be tried and it's back to square one each time.

I had to laugh at your husband turning into a freezer Ali333 ! lol.

My children and I are moving into our new place from my mother's today and my brother came to help me put a table in. Now, he's a lovely bloke and has offered to help with childcare until my aupair comes but for some reason I just found him hard work today and wondered if he could handle the children. So I called my new job up and asked them if they could postpone my start date until the aupair arrives and they said no, basically.

I wish childcare was more readily available here in the UK! That was the good thing about Japan, it was good, affordable and 24/7! The only problem was the jobs there available to women were all pretty rubbish. Anyway, I don't really want to work because I'd rather be with my children but I don't want a life of poverty either.

But I start work in another month so that should be enough time to settle into our new home. I've paid out a huge chunk of cash on their Japanese school every Saturday, which I feel is worth it because we are now living on a council estate and although most of the neighbours seem lovely I need to broaden my children's horizons somehow and get them away from this place at weekends, but basically I am so broke. I need to work and yet I don't want to leave my children! But I still feel a lot better than when I was living with my ex because he just became so horrible after he met his other woman.

He's been paying some money into my account every month, but every month I wonder whether this is the month he's just not going to bother. The payment is due any day now and I keep checking my bank and nothing has gone in yet. Have to pray he puts some in.

Hi green

I guess this is what's meant by the roller coaster effect of divorce

"I have to give some thought as to how far I want to take this process I guess weighing up the financial implications against the impact on my mental health"

Yes I was like that last month and sought advice on what would/would not be in my best interest financially and emotionally. However sometimes the choice might not be in your hands and you just have to see it through

Bobs its a cheese sandwich obvs! It won't last five minutes anyway, she'll have shredded it by the end of the day, just a reward for being the best dog in the world and putting up with me putting silly outfits on her.

She does tend to hide under the bed now when she sees me approaching with the camera .

It's a hard life being a supermodel eh?

My eldest son (18) is really struggling and I just don't know what to do to help him, he's even made himself a doctors appt for later today, I really hope my DH is going to be happy, and that he carries on lining someone else's pocket working like a maniac, hope it's all worth the lack of family time and emotional detachment from me, he's truly gone fucking mad, how could he do this to us, I just don't understand