HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

Aargh, not arran

Hobbit bit concerned she may try to eat them.

Talking of marbles, when I received a really snotty email from twunt, around the time of the car issue, I replied asking for details of his pensions, all sorts of things, and also asked for his marbles "if you can find them"

Izzie you got it, thats it!

Thats what wound me up, he is still reading from some sort of "script" isn't he!

It's clocked

according it sounds very office type speak. I think he may work at the same office at the twunt I married, and Hobbit's Lycra clad twat

I may have to go off thread for a bit. Friend in need. Another one.

I...know the relief when reality hits home and you no longer allow an unworthy man to hold your heart to ransom

I just read this from Justusemyname on the iwas thread. I've just posted on it to say I hope she didn't mind but I was going to copy her words onto this thread, to help us.

I...know the relief when reality hits home and you no longer allow an unworthy man to hold your heart to ransom

An amazing, incredible relief, especially after the torture so many of these "men" will put their wives through.

fairy sorry you had tough day and the false hope given by the photo album

iwas great well thought-out response to According

Hobbit another Jess masterpiece. I'll eat the carrot if she doesn't want it - I eat raw carrots every day

Izzie yes agree that the responses to give to others are considered and thoughtful. The posts you write about you are another matter That's what's so good about this thread - it's a way to have a really good rant and write all the shit down in order that we can sort out our own feelings.

Ali how's your Mum? hope she's doing ok

Frigging hell we're all pissed off tonight ! Hobbit, thanks for the offer of the carrot but rather than give it to that feckin horse can I shove it up that self righteous, bullying bastard's jacksy ?!!!! Came home after hospital and yes very trivial but he'd been in house with dd, eating his chippie and left his mess all over kitchen... And had the f'ing nerve to eat my bread when he doesn't live here anymore... Or pay for the f'ing bread ... tosser

Actually Hobbit Izzie's idea is much better - the sharp knife and the chopping board. Perhaps a mallet for the onions?

bobs just crossed there, she's not so good so having mini meltdowns as not really sure if this is end stage of her renal failure coming. Hoping and praying I'm wrong.
dd was great today until twat head came over while I was at hospital. Soon as I got in she went upstairs to her room. Thank you for asking .. I love this wee group

According can I ask what you expect to gain from continuing to correspond with him on such issues? I think you have all the proof you need re the hoovering etc. And from reading your other thread he is just messing with your head massively. I hope you have read it all again to help confirm this.

So sorry Ali It's a crap time, especially with all the other crap in your life atm. KOKO with DD - they spend loads of time in their room anyway!!!

Love the bit about carrot wondering what Hobbit has in fact done with it Re the bread/kitchen - all done to wind you up. Just expect shit like that to happen and try not to let it get to you!

Ha ha , I've made some carrot and coriander soup with said vegetables, yum, hey, talking about vegetables, how's your twunt behaving bobs?

Making soup? My idea of making soup is to open the tin.

Ali thinking of you

he'd been in house with dd, eating his chippie and left his mess all over kitchen

I will have a little self righteous smirk here , but when the ex comes round he abides by the rules. As in nobody is allowed to wear shoes where the floor is newly varnished, and nobody is allowed to go upstairs in their shoes, because the stairs are now painted white, even though still just primed at the moment. I retain some control over him. AND he now waits to be let in, instead of using his key. Yes, he definitely feels like a visitor in the house he co owns. Progress indeed. Night all x

Actually, I don't insist on visitors taking off their shoes. But you get my point

Hobbit that is a sheep! That is not a cow. It's a smiling sheep. And that is a carrot and two onions, no?

Congratulations on the job Sakura - you sound like you're starting to make some real strides. Keep going!

Frizzy a week is no time at all. But it's one week. Now your start a new week. Then you've done a fortnight. It's that slow and that painful but the time does pass and things do get easier. Try as best you can to be as busy as possible (but don't go to Izzie-extremes!) If you're still in the 'I can barely function stage, then focus on 'just one thing a day'. All that has to be is the washing up. Or a walk. No more.

According I don't think this is particularly a thread for anyone who's been cheated on. As far as I can see, we've got people with heartbreak, married or otherwise, people struggling to get through divorce, people who aren't divorcing, people who are divorced (me!), people who've left their relationships, people who have been cheated on. People who are coping okay, people who are not. So there's no qualifying criteria really. In our own ways, we all know THIS SHIT IS HARD, and as long as we all agree on that, then there's not much to dispute.

RE: ED. I happen to know quite a bit about this, due to having a, ahem, doctor friend and an ex-husband...y'know from the days when I was all believing the 'he says' shite. ED can be psychologically or physically-caused. If it's the former, then it's cyclical. However, COUPLES COUNSELLING? No. Not necessary. I think he's just added that bit on. They do say that abusive men offer 'counselling' quite often...

Fairy the ego boost he's getting trying to get two women 'wooing' him must be jolly nice for him. It's going to be killing your self-esteem though. No wonder you're so upset, it sounds absolutely awful how he's behaving. Please take care of yourself.

A sad day tomorrow Iwas, but it's yet another 'anniversary/celebratory day' to get through. The one after has got to be easier - or just another day we'll be so 'meh' by then (optimistic thinking).

Ali Gosh, that's dreadful. I hope she pulls through, this is enough trauma as it is. Can you write politely to him and ask for no-contract for a period of time? Sadly, some of these cunts just wrack it up even worse when they think they will get away with it, but it's worth asking.

Wouldn't know Hobbit and don't expect to hear from him. Being a vegetable I guess I could call him Mr Potato Head as he does come from the land of the leprechauns. However that might be rude to potatoes I did see his car near our house today - even thought for a nano second (no more than that) that he might have been dropping something off for DD2.

Talking of DD2 she is now winding down on the ADs which is great and should be off them totally in a week or 2 - just in time for her A Levels

Bobs I didn't know your ex was a spud picker too ... South I take it ? Mind you a bastard us a bastard wherever they're from ! Good that your dad is coming off ads, so many teens on them
wellwhoknew my fm has been on dialysis for a couple of years but recently going downhill and massive shock and strain on her that dickhead walked out, plus the finding out he had us in debt and was a bully. I never ever told her.
Thanks Izzie
No sleep coming grrrrr

Hello everyone. I have spent the last week and a half trying to catch up on this thread! It certainly moves fast doesn't it. I've been up with the toddler so thought it was a good time to post and catch up.

I am sad to see so many new posters but also glad that you have found some support and encouragement from the wonderful ladies (and man) on this thread. Some of your posts really struck a chord with me and reminded me how truly awful it is in those early days. I know it is of little comfort but things will gradually improve in time. I am a year on now from discovering I was married to a lying cheating scum bag and still have days where I want to give up. But then I'll have a day where I've managed to limit the time I've thought about him / OW / unfairness of it all and I see that as progress. You have to hold on in there because the reality is that we will stand by our children no matter what, even if that means supporting their decisions which we may know are wrong. As long as we are there when it falls apart.

An update from me. The OW had her baby a few weeks ago now. He still hasn't told me himself. I found out indirectly. That is odd isn't it?! He no longer communicates with me at all and to be honest it suits me fine but it is weird. We have very young children and he is missing out so much on their lives (the youngest can't talk) and he just relies on the eldest (who is young too and obviously isn't forthcoming with information). I would want to talk to the parent so I knew what my children were up to. We went away for the weekend for an adventure and he didn't ask about it on his phone call with the eldest. I think he compartmentalises it and doesn't care about them when they're with me. He has eluded to this mentality in the past. Again very odd and the only person missing out is him.

As far as me, I'm doing ok. It's obviously a hard time with images of a perfect family but I know in my heart that it isn't reality. I don't know why I tend to believe their lives are perfect because on the face of it their lives are a nightmare!!

There is an opportunity for promotion at work and I'm going to go for it. I'm going to try and put my energy in to that and work in the evenings rather than sitting thinking / worrying about what's going to happen (finances are nowhere near being resolved because he is an utter fool).

So anyway I hope today is a better day for those who had dreadful days yesterday. I will try and comment when I can but please know that I think you are all amazing and even lurking I am sending my support through my iPad!!

Hugs and to all.

Awake at 5am again, anxiety flooding through me.
Turning over all the what-ifs and remembering how he made me feel like an optional accessory to his life.

family you sound very together in your post- especially given the time it was sent! Well done you

Those early days with a new born, as we all know, are on the one hand magical but on the other amongst the most stressful a couple can go through. Rest assured that his life won't be a walk in the park at the moment. How he/others can make another baby while showing minimal interest in the ones they've got - who knows. I feel sorry for the newborn -?having a couple of amoral parents can't be ideal for his future security. KOKO xx

cutted yes those early mornings again. The same realisations again - but I notice a slight change - your admittance/acceptance that he perhaps wasn't the perfect partner - being an optional extra is no way to live. I think I've been one too in some ways. time me thinks. Rely on your friend. This day will pass too. Xx