HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

According this thread is for anyone who needs it, regardless of why the marriage ended so please post whenever you need to.

I don't have any personal experience of a man with PE so I can't say if it is something that needs to be worked at as a couple or not. But it is an issue for your ex to sort out, he shouldn't be making you feel like you need to help him with it.

I suspect the GP may have said that it needed to be worked on as a couple because your ex didn't tell him that you had split up.

Whether you feel you have made the right decision to split up with your ex or if you feel you might consider giving it another try is entirely your decision.

What I would say to you is this. Is he now listening to you because he knows he was in the wrong or is he saying what you want to hear. Has he changed or is he saying it to try and get you back.

Has he respected your wishes when you have asked him to give you space or does he disregard that and contact you anyway. Was he treating you well and making you feel loved, cared for and respected when you were together. Or did he make you feel that everything that was wrong was your fault.

When you were going to plant a tree for your baby girl cat was he supportive and kind that day or did he upset you and make you feel you were doing things wrong again. Even after you had left him and on what should have been a day you had support from him he hadn't changed then, do you think he will now.

It is still very early days for you, I think it was March wasn't it, and then does come a bit of a lull when you wonder if you have made the right decision when you miss what you had together and know that you still love him.

If he is serious about changing, let him go to counselling by himself and work on his problems. Get him to show by his actions that he is means what he says. If he regrets his behaviour, wants to change and accepts his flaws he will do whatever it takes to get you back and what you ask him to do. If he is not prepared to work on his problems then he doesn't really think the problem lies with him.

I would re-read your thread and if you still have thoughts about reconciliation tell him what he needs to do to prove to you that he won't revert back to his previous behaviour once he has you back. If he is prepared to do as you ask then you will know that he is willing to make the changes that he needs to.

I have bumped your thread, hope that is okay. xx

According bobs just re read that post re PE. So what he is saying is that he is depressed. And it's caused by PE. And that the only way out of the depression is to sort the PE. And that sorting the PE means working on it as a couple. Is that it?

What a load of old bollocks he is talking. I had a quick look at your original post on your thread, according, and I would say that PE is the least of his problems. In fact, being flippant, if he was behaving as per the original thread on a regular basis, he should have been bleedin grateful to have got a shag at all!

Hobbit

Hobbit what has happened to my cow!!? x

It would be my 26th wedding anniversary tomorrow :( It's the first one since we split up and I'm dreading it. Sid and I spoke about it today and I think we're both quite sad about it. It's just a great big bloody reminder of what has happened.

according Izzie is, from what I can tell from this thread, a sympathetic realist who gives considered advice. If she says he was lucky to get a shag at all - believe her and leave him to his 'issues'.

Thanks bobs will be good to have child benefit - even though it's not a huge amount. I'll need to check into rest. I'm seriously hoping that uni grants might become a reality. You've given me advice on this before and I think they should. I think H would continue to support them but if he stays in our house until sold and is solely responsible for mortgage, bills etc etc I'd be worried he'd get resentful and start complaining. I wouldn't want them stressed as to where their rent was coming from. I've got some massive financial issues ahead - as have we all no doubt.

I put the cow up yesterday iwas my love, did you miss it? She has a pink flower in her mouth, I think izzbob thought it was a sheep, silly moo!

Shit about your anniversary tomorrow, mine is in June, I'm going to go away with the boys for that, he has given us half his bonus to go on holiday, as he has just come back from Cyprus, I've taken it, I'm not that proud!

fairy he's lost his fucking marbles. Simple as that. It's not about you, it's not about her, it's ALL ABOUT HIM. Him and his bleedin crisis.

iwas my 30th bank holiday Monday. At least Sid has acknowledged it. Twunt ex here won't. Same as I intend to do on his birthday a week or so later. He can fuck right off. Because I don't want to hear from HIM on my birthday or Xmas. He's nothing to do with me now. But yes, I understand how you feel. I'm just refusing to feel anything for the twunt in these parts.

fairy he took your wedding album
and gave you hope, just to throw it back in your face. A man shouldn't need to check through his wedding album to remind himself of why he married his wife and why he should not leave her and his family for a silly cow, who should know better and who can't keep her knickers on!!!

In my opinion he took your wedding album to 'keep you on side' and keep himself in your thoughts. Options open and all that. Selfish, selfish selfish. I'm sure none of what I've said helps particularly so have some and lots of hugs and handholding xx

Hahahaha that poor Jess - she looks so innocent yet has such a potty mouth !

Yep, that's shit fairy my love, my ex was the same, everything is accelerated though isn't it, get together, move in, shout undying love from the fucking rooftops, mine is talking about buying a house with her, he's only known her six months! And he's still married to me! Twat, bastard, cunt.

Iwas after all you have been through and are still going through, I cannot thank you more for your post, you really are so bloody lovely; Sid is the biggest fuckwit ever for losing you!

I noticed my Original thread bumped up, I'm not sure I am ready to dip back in there right now, I still feel so confused and a little bit crushed.

But yes I have started re-reading it again (page 2 atm) and seeing it again nearly two months after I started it, it has opened my eyes again. It has taken me right back to those raw painful feelings that led me to post in the first place.

Izzie we didn't shag much at all in the last couple of years. in fact I cannot remember when was the last time we did it. It was crap, thats all I DO remember.

He said "we got stuck in a rut"

My reply "Think you got us stuck in a rut, if the truth is being told here. But its up to you as to your spin on things"

His response to that "Ok. I'll take that one. Look, I want to fix this. You are too good a lady to loose and you know how I feel about you. I'd have never proposed otherwise. I'm glad I'm hearing this from you. "

Hoovering...in all its entirety, isn't it!

I'm garnering a fuck off response (in my head, not to him) to this but today I'm just going to revisit everything. That thread gave me so much strength.

His last response felt a bit dismissive of me, if that makes sense?

fairy I'm so sorry you've had such a difficult day, I don't know what any of these men are thinking, will never ever ever understand how they can just walk away from kids, wife, lives that have been built together, very strong chance this relationship of his will fail, you have to decide what you will do when it does, it's just so bloody hard isn't it,

1 according I did laugh when I read the comment about me! thinking at first it was a wind up. But no, I agree, certainly when I post about the situation of others. Mine, I just rant away!! What I said about the shag......on another night I may have out it more tactfully, but tonight I'm feeling bolshy. Mainly cos I've been talking to a friend at work about her shit. She may come on here.

I wonder where she gets that from? Ha ha , love ya wise my darling.

Or as anyfucker would say;
How unlike the home life of our own dear queen!

according he needs to work on the real issues, the way he deals with you, as per the opening post of your thread. It would only be on that basis that I would consider anything.

fairy...Izzies right...it's all about him and his MLC. He can't see beyond that. You have said all the things that I tried to get the weasel to listen to. Unfortunately while they are making a car crash of their lives we get dragged along too.

iwas...will be thinking of you tomorrow. The first one since the split is upsetting ...mine was last October. I sent the weasel an email and he didn't respond..I don't know why I thought he would.

hobbit...i think Jess looks confused ...perhaps she was expecting steel ones!

Hobbit go get out that chopping board and a very sharp knife. Enjoy [grin

fairy taking the wedding album. Sounds a bit barmy to me.

Jessgram request for the pending pile...."he's lost his fucking marbles"

Fairy my love you are right, we are cut from the same cloth you and I, a sister from another mister, potty mouths together,

Sometimes only swear words will do, when you want a good rant!

Why , yes you are right, she does look confused, maybe she is not keen on the meat and two veg, when there's no actual meat involved, shame,

Yep, that's a good one Izz I think I've even got some marbles!

according his last response reminded me of something I read, which was about how to get people onside. But, Arran, just re read it. That "look". Oh fuck me, that's the twunt family word. Translates I think as "shut the fuck up because what I have to say is really really important ". Oh bliss I had forgotten all about that word. It used to make me want to knock his block off when he used it