HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

cassawoof I like what you write - it is reassuring to read it and think "Yes that is how I feel too".. thanks

Jess - missing my daily fix

A week today since he left, still raw with grief, he took the kids out for dinner last night, they came back telling me, about going to the cinema, swimming, bloody Alton towers, why now, why aren't we doing this together

sakura...you have done brilliantly. Well done.

cutted...the early mornings are tough. Sometimes I feel that my body is paralysed and my mind is in overdrive. It does get easier but be aware that you will get dips and that's ok.

Ali...keep holding on. These men do charm people and I thought no-one would listen to me but they did. Go into the school and put your side, don't let him push you out. I know this is tough. We appear to have lots in common and if you feel the need to pm me please do.
Hope your mums ok xx.

Frizzy...it will hurt like hell and it feels as if you are cut out of the family. I felt as if my children were being ripped from me. So i do understand your pain. In the early days I took my DD's to the cinema and cried in the dark and I couldn't face taking them out in the daylight. My eldest and I also had theatre tickets booked and I cried through that as well. Dark places were my friend.

Got more paper work re. my nisi today. Again the words rip through me. Reading the details of where we got married and then the words adultery. How did it all come to this? I feel so sad.
I know that I will be better off without this evil bastard but I still find it difficult to accept that it's over.
I'm dreading when I find out that he's getting married again , and I know that news will come as he's already said he's getting married straight after our divorce. How will I cope - I don't know. How will I cope when there's a baby - I don't know. How will my children cope? I never expected to have a broken family. I'm also dreading coming face to face with the OW as I know she's as nasty as he is.

Frizzy that's just his guilt talking ! Don't fall for that crap ... Mine is at it too, promising the fecking moon and stars... Yet he can't afford a place to rent let alone a holiday. They make me so angry. They cause this shit and it's like ... Do you actually think you are any happier for this ? Mine promised he would keep her horse on for her and is using anything he can. Talk about frigging mid life crisis'

Hello lovely ladies and drift, soz I've been out with big son today, so here's a few stock photos of Jess, to keep you going, KOKO all,

What pearls of wisdom shall she utter today? Requests please,

"stock photos" love that

Here's one for Jess. Disney dads are not real dads. Or something similar

whyme when I got the nisi it meant nothing to me - sure it said it was based on 2 yrs separation but we were separated long before that. The only thing that will mean anything is the finance consent order or whatever it's called. That's the bit that means I can move on and he has no control over my life. The absolute will, I guess, follow on naturally and I have a bottle saved up for that day

Hmmm pearls of wisdom (is Jess taking over from WWK in that department? [smile ) anything to do with disney dads, dads who don't want to be dads, dads who simply don't care, dads who manipulate, selfish dads, dads who were never meant to have kids, dads who are simply not dads, twats, No 6s, tossers....and so on. Anything like that really (poor Jess, so pleased she's a girl!)

Oh - and the nisi meant i could get single person discount for council tax, tax credits, NHS exemption certificate and DD could get a uni grant - best bit about it really!

Hi again all, Ive kind of not posted here recently as I read on another thread this one here was particularly for those who have been cheated on. I haven't been. I chose to leave but it was still the most painful gut wrenching thing I have ever had to choose to do and I really am struggling with this decision.

However, you are all absolutely lovely and supportive here and I need help!

I don't know if anyone else followed my thread (Dear DH) I know the lovely iwas dipped in with words of wisdom and advice (thank you so much again)

I have alluded to the recent hoovering. Its still going on. However, I am very much aware of it and keeping my emotions in check, still feeling but not letting HIM know. I am just interested as to whats on his mind so I am letting him get on with it at the moment. The ongoing facebook posts are still there, despite him hating it when we were together and the snarky comments about me using it.

Anyway! that's not the point I came here with. Its about the latest messages to me. He has been to the GP, he is signed off work for a few weeks for depression and on medication.

This is the question, he tells me he has spoken with his GP about his premature ejaculation issues (which were HIS issues by the way, not mine as he always used to please me first and was very good at it but then he stopped bothering)

The Gp has said it needs to "wait for now, it's usually a cognitive thing and needs to be worked as a couple" he has obviously had this problem for a long time so why is it a couple thing to resolve?

H says it is that PE causes anxiety and that in turn causes PE and you can't break the circle. So it all needs to be worked out with your partner.

I'm thinking this is a load of crap, am I right?

More mention of couples counselling following this but meh!

I was aware of this issue from the first time we had sex, but as I said earlier he always made sure I was pleased first, it didn't matter to me that he was "hammering away" for hours at a time. I felt loved, adored and we were always close and cuddly touchy/feely afterwards.

The fact is, he stopped bothering/trying to please me, the last time we had sex he gave up because he thought I was bored, I wasn't but he just went about the whole thing mechanically, and not in a loving way iyswim? He would always start sex the same way every time.

Sorry this went on too long, and is probably tmi for tea time posting but I have to get this out of head and appeal for the thoughts of those I have come to respect.

Thanks in advance.

bobs if I can get all that, I'll get that divorce now!

I've got a reliable female friend staying over with me for a couple of nights now.
Although she is very much of the 'forget him, he's a bastard' school of thought and I don't feel I can sit and whinge so it's all getting masked a bit really.

Sorry all - that comment sounded flippant. Didn't mean to. I know this divorce crap isn't funny really but I guess if we didn't laugh we'd cry and I've almost run out off tears I think.

according Sorry, Iike you, I think it sounds like a bit of an excuse but I guess 'issues' in that department could affect self esteem overtime, even if your partner assured you it wasn't a problem for them.

I know nothing about your back story but all I would say is that if this was a seriously heart wrenching thing to do, to call time on your marriage and you are missing him and wondering if you've done the right thing - especially if he wants to get help for his issues, maybe you should try?What do you have to lose? You've come to a thread where we are mostly the ones left behind and I don't think I'm speaking out of turn to say most of us would have moved hell and high water to save our marriages. If you have a partner who wants to try and you love him then......perhaps there's your answer. Sorry if this is he last thing in the world you want to hear.

whyme will definitely pm you later, yes so much in common. I'm at horse with dd as arsehole wanted his dinner first despite knowing I've to take my poor dad up to hospital to see mum ...

Ali, someone told me when one of my lads was kicking against me and wanting to be with his dad that it was because he felt safe with me. Whatever he did I would still be there; not something he could count on from his dad. My son even moved in with him for a while and had a wild couple of months. BUT he is now back here, causes me worry every day and tells me he loves me most mornings x

I have to see OH consultant this week. Cried when talking to big boss today. I am so pissed off with myself. I can do the 'normal' stuff but anything else tips me over the edge. Dreading seeing Dr - saw him last year and he is pretty grim. Any tips on staying in control of myself? What I say to him this week is going to be really important. I need my job - at least I need the income.

1no thank you for your response..it feels like he wants to but what I went through with the EA, stonewalling and gaslighting with him for years before we left. There were many other issues. It wasn't just the sex. Thats why I know this is hoovering right now.

according I can't give any advice more than that given by 1. But I would say it may be useful if you could post a link to your thread. Especially if it's not appearing in the first couple of pages of the relationships pages. Sorry, lazy moo me hasn't checked before posting this .. As for this thread, the opening post says "If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about". It just so happens that a lot of us have been cheated on and the exes left the relationship. I hope someone will be able to give you some more advice about all of the issues you raised. You were definitely right to post her though

PM recently sent. Sorry, littered with typos. Note to self: check for typos BEFORE sending, not AFTER!

according stonewalling would be an absolute deal breaker were I ever to have another relationship. It became a regular feature in my marriage over the nightmare years. Never again!

Thanks Izzie..Ill link it Here

There was a mish mash of issues between us and they started early on, despite my own advice I haven't revisited it yet.

1 being flippant is good - way better than being furious which is what I an alternating between at the moment! You will get single person discount for council tax until any of your DC finish but continue to live with you. Tax credits - possibly while you have a DC in secondary education, similarly child benefit. NHS exemption certificate - prob not with your job. Uni grant - check the table but if you are the lower earner and DCs at uni live with you this can be useful.

According s Izzie said all our situations are different and all are welcome here. I started the split between stbx and myself and I feel quite at home here.

Sorry if this sounds blunt but from memory you have split with him. So why the questions on this and the sex stuff? It should not be relevant to you any more surely?

Stonewalling? so there's another label to put to my stbx's actions atm!

Hello lovely ladies, here's our message am for the day, as requested, I added my own touch,

That's a very large carrot isn't it? Maybe Ali could have it for her daughters feckin' horse!