HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

He takes her McDonalds ! Still not back

No wonder she gets stroppy. He plays good cop and spoils her and takes her out way too late. Even my 18 yr old wouldn't be out at this time. She's probable knackered then takes it out on you

Hi girls and drifting, sorry haven't been around...had nightmare with laptop and can only read posts on phone can't add. Anyway, I'm back until the laptop falls over again.

So sorry to see all you new people joining the bar. As others have said..this shit is hard...but we all totally understand on here just how it feels. You don't have to explain anything to us. In my bleakest moments I have rang the Samaritans so never feel there is no-one there to listen to you.You do what you have to to get through.

Ali...I've had to put up with the weasel manipulating my eldest daughter (she's 12). His favourite way to get to her was via Facebook...e.g. he told her to get keys out of the house and send them to him, he laughed about kidnapping her (he actually took her off the street after school and I didn't know where she was), he even told her to pack her bags run away and off course he kept saying that everything was mummy fault. That's only few examples!

He didn't know I could see the Facebook messages and so when he took me to court I had evidence against him and the judge ordered her Facebook account to be shut down. He's only allowed 3 phone calls a week on the dedicated phone but he still tries to turn her against me on that.

I would suggest that you make notes of his manipulating behaviour, keep copies of any texts, emails etc in case you need it at a later stage. Don't make any rash decisions. I am always tempted to bite right back when he contacts me but it's best to sit back and think. Easier said than done.

I have felt continually under attack from this weasel and I will never understand how he can look at himself in the mirror after what he and the slag have done to my family.

I know how you feel as it's so frustrating and upsetting but I'm hoping that my DD will eventually realise what he is.

And going to MD's at 10 o'clock at night. He's trying to be her friend not a parent.

Thanks Autumn - damned to a life of mediocrity is exactly how it feels. I need to find some motivation to start on the book again. At the moment I'm doing a lot of freelance work just to keep the wolf from the door which leaves little time for hobby work. But nothing feels 'rewarding' if you know what I mean, or purposeful. I suppose that's borderline depression, which given what I'm still calming down from (it's still NOT a year since he buggered off, and there's been a tough divorce to get through) that my impatience is getting the better of me.

Frizzy/Cutted (welcome Cutted) the others are right - the pain is unbelievable in the early stage, it's real and its physical. I also felt really, really, really cold all the time. It does ease off eventually. I also did a lot of trying to figure out where he head was at. Spent money on therapy books and things - thinking "If he'd just...or if I'd just...". It's just a horrible, horrible time. I wish there's something that would take it away, but there's something to be said about using the time best you can. I used to drive hundreds and hundreds of miles, and tried to find things to do. The only thing that I found helped was writing, talking and getting out as much as possible and pretending I wasn't feeling so bad. I couldn't watch TV or films, or read anything 'non divorcy/relationshipy to distract me, but trying to fill the time is so important to get through the days. Even if it was just washing windows (the 'one task a day, no matter how small, challenge'). I know also though the total lack of energy is also inhibiting. So how you're behaving and feeling is COMPLETELY NORMAL under the circumstances. The thing most of us regret is the 'pick me' dance (I knew about it and didn't do it) but my regret was spending so much money and time trying to figure him out.

He's just a complete cunt really is all I needed to accept.

Ali is this a case of you're the one 'delivering the bad news' and he is the one 'delivering the good news', e.g. you: I'm sorry we can't keep the horse, him: when I get the house back, I'll have the money so you can keep the horse paradox? - which guarantees you're in an unwinable situation.

I'm not sure what the solution is but do NOT give up the house. Right now it's the only safety you've got, and that has to be your first priority.

Cutted/Fairy I am chief advocate for no-contact beyond the basics - quite simply because you can't control what comes back at you (or you get ignored, which is similarly infuriating). By determining to be NC, you have an element of control, which in almost all aspects of your lives right now, you don't have. That's my reasoning: it's self protecting. In the end my dogmatic self was court-ordered to have contact with MrSW, which guaranteed I got lots of abusive messages, culminating in me once, and only once, reacting to him. Cue me getting 17 emails in a night, cue him having to give undertakings to not contact me...it was ridiculous in the end! But not hearing from him, did help my mental state: I couldn't abide his nasty and cold and cruel emails, they made me feel worse. So I advocate no contact.

Hello Paddling good to see you. Hello Paddling good to see you. Hello Paddling good to see you. Hello Paddling good to see you. Hello Paddling good to see you. Hello Paddling good to see you. Hello Paddling good to see you. Hello Paddling good to see you. Hello Paddling good to see you. Hello Paddling good to see you. Hello Paddling good to see you. Hello Paddling good to see you. You on the Izzitinis?

braving/living no sparkling moments today really I worked most of the day, and didn't do any housework or achieve much. I'm try again tomorrow.

Jess does not like like a happy sheep. She looked happier as a cat. Defo.

Hello all. Yes I remember the actual physical ache in my heart, I still have it now. And I spent months trying to get him back, reason with him, get him to talk to people, send him articles. Etc. eventually he was quite blunt and told me I had to accept it and we agreed not discuss the past anymore. It was hard to hear but I needed to have tried all those things, or I would have always wondered if I had done x or y would it have made a difference. But there was also an element of relief and calm once I had conceded defeat, and I am trying to put more energy into me now.

So finally after 8 months I have a little bit more control. I know it's an illusion and the next stage of him getting a girlfriend or divorce papers being served etc will knock me down again. But the other day at work I realised I hadn't thought about him for a bit, and my chest didn't hurt.

So believe me when people told me at the beginning one day it might just be a bit better, they were right. It is very slow and I would say do what you have to do to get through it.

And I don't regret fighting for it, the frustrating thing is that no-one would challenge him and question what the hell he was doing to his wife and family. They were all just, it's sad, what a shame. And he didn't tell his family or people who would challenge him. So in the end I did. But I know when my DCs are older that I can tell them I did everything I could to keep their family together. Their dad can't say that.

And I loved him utterly, and still do, but over the months even with that the cruel callous things they do and say slowly erodes that, and you see them for the unpleasant selfish people they have become. My old life with him is a bit of a dream, as if it happened to someone else and I think was also based on a bit of a lie, he wasn't the man I thought he was.

Sorry just a bit of a rant. Thinking of all of us in the same boat.

Whyme,Bobs,wellwhoknew yep good cop lol ! Since I last posted, my Mum who's on dialysis and has been really sick and stressed recently ( due to seeing me so upset) has just been taken into hospital. I've been in tears with just one thing after another. My Poor Dad who I'd usually go with doesn't want me to have to get h over to watch dd so I'm lying in bed waiting on news. I'm scared as she's been going downhill and I've not helped with the stress load. Jeez I am such a pain today to everyone.
Whyme, yes my dd never sets phone down and she hangs on his every word.
Wellwhoknew, that's exactly it and I just hope that should this end up in front of judge that he'll see what has been going on but right now I'm just going along with her wish to live with him and hope that I can stay here long enough for her to settle down. I wish I had your strength about no contact. I had been doing really well with that until the weekend then it all went pear shaped and of course the snide comments are back and forth... But as I said going in to face 12 hour brain surgery ( yup still one in there somewhere lol) What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger and as I'm living with one tumor in my head I should be able to manage the one living a few miles away !

So sorry yo hear about your DM ali hope she's ok and you will get to see her tomorrow

oh Ali I'm so sorry to hear that your mums not well. It is such a stressful time for everyone.

You are not 'a pain today'...you are struggling with this shit and we will be here to help you.

You will find strength. I didn't think I was strong but bloody hell I've held on against that bastard (most days by my finger tips) and so will you.

Sending you hugs xx

I'm awake with reality hitting me like a ten ton truck.
Heartsick to my bones and trying to turn my character inside out to analyse the flaws.

cutted The very early mornings are the worst time of the day I find. We discover it's not just a nightmare and reality dawns. You got through yesterday and you'll get through today. Since I've been lurking and then joining the thread, I've noticed that there are certain patterns in what we all feel and go through. The morning thing is one of the patterns. The other thing that all the regular posters have done is very slowly improve and start to look to the future - yes with dips but I'm sure this will be true for you too. Do you have plans for the day?

I have to work at home today.
The friend I was expecting last night arrived after I'd gone to bed (he let himself in and didn't disturb me). He's gone to sleep in the spare room, where he's been staying on and off the past week.
So I will have his company eventually.

I have over analysed my relationship over and over.
Every email notification on my phone gives me an unpleasant jolt of hope it will be DP but of course it won't.
Lying here feeling like the worst kind of refuse.

Cutted Get up and open the curtains. Have a Try a hot water bottle - hold it against your churning stomach.You might find that you dose off again on the sofa! Can help with the tiredness. Yes it is shit and yes a hundred times a day it comes back to you...

casa One of the best things about this thread I find is the way we can just write what we feel - gets it all out. Yes the cruel things they say - eventually it helps with the moving on. Every time HRT says something needlessly provocative and unkind, it's another nail in the coffin of my feelings. He's just not the person I married.

wwk I'm a big convert to the no contact -even though in my case it's no contact with a difference because he lives here! It's served several purposes though. When he's away, I cope with daily life much better, without the endless texting which always ended with him saying something upsetting and me crying. If he sends a text, I ignore it. The 'power' then shifts somewhat. It obviously also annoys him and then he says things to get a reaction and I see him in a whole new light.

He's tried to engage in conversation this morning - a woe is me kind of conversation - he never wanted any of this - what a joke - he didn't want it but yet here we are. I just refuse to discuss it. We've a plan in place and are carrying it through. The end. He can't bear the detachment - it's so out if character for me.

So, to cut a long story short - WWK you're a

Ali you are contending with so much and yet still sound strong in your posts. Well done you.

I thought whyme's advice about the diary thing an excellent idea. Picking up a 15 year old on a school night at 10 o'clock and taking then to McDonald's is far from ideal. My DS is 15 and is in bed, if not asleep, by 10 o'clock on school nights. He sounds a real nightmare tbh.

It's so hard to judge the best way to proceed for you. If the police are called to a home where minors are resident, my understanding is there would normally be a social services referral? Did this happen? You obviously don't need any more stress but he sounds as if he could be doing your daughter a fair bit of psychological damage. There may come a time when you need outside agency support for her. You mentioned your dad. Does he have a good relationship with your DD? Would he have a heart to heart come 'home truths' type conversation with her? I feel for you - must be like walking on egg shells permanently. At a very minimum though a diary seems like a good plan.

Could you maybe speak to her Head of Year or form tutor at school to see whether her behaviour or demeanour has altered at school at all? Schools can normally access a variety of agencies that can provide support in these circumstances. Just ideas. Keeping calm and carrying on may well be the best for the moment.

My goodness - look at the time. Help! KOKO all x

Just updating on my situation.
My new place of work has finished the background checks that they needed to do to allow me to start work, so I've just got a mail from them saying they will give me a start date soon, then will continue the rest of the background checks after I've started work.
So that's good, I guess.

The bad thing is it finishes at 8pm so childcare is going to be a nightmare. I can't ask my alcoholic mother for anything. She frightens me. I literally get these chills of dread running through my body when she speaks to me. She is abroad now with her boyfriend. I think her lack of support is the reason I stayed in the marriage so long. But at least she has given me a roof over my head, albeit very short term. That's more than what some other mothers do, I guess.

I've hired an aupair! A German girl arrives in July. It's the only type of childcare I could reasonably afford. 5 yr old DS will just have to sleep in the master bedroom with me because there's no way DD is going to share her beautiful new Frozen room with him. Will probably buy him some toy to compensate.

Until the aupair comes my lovely brother has offered to help look after the children. Work will be 12-8 so I can do drop off in the morning then he will do pick-up at 3, walk the children home, make them a sandwich (I think he can handle that) then wait until I get home. He can have the aupair's room until she arrives.

I've been decorating my new place. My brother is coming tomorrow to help me put some beds and wardrobes in there. I've organized Sky TV no carpets or curtains yet, but at least I'll have Sky and, more importantly, the internet (omg couldn't live without it).

DD is super excited about her new room. It's the first time she's ever had a room bc in Japan children don't have their own room, so hopefully if STBXH did decide to come after the children the fact that she has her own room when she is with me will sway it in my favor.

One thing I've learned is that single mothers are treated very well financially by the state in the UK. All this "single mothers are scroungers" stuff seems to be hammed up to hide the fact that the state is rather generous towards us in a paternalistic type of way because (quite rightly) they can't have mothers begging on the streets like you get in India. How many teenage girls would decide not to become mothers if they saw that! Everybody at the benefits places has just been so nice, the women telling me about their own marriage break-ups and the men offering fatherly type advice about where to get the best deals on washing machines etc.

Oh and yesterday I'd left the car lights on and the battery died and the grandad who lives next door came and helped me with it. Showed me how to charge it and where to put the negative and positive. I managed to put the battery back in myself the next morning. I'm quite proud of myself lol

Paddling It's weird isn't it, I'm still sleeping on my side, even though it's just my bed now, habit I suppose. The Dog slept on the other side last night, hopefully he'll claim that side now rather than sleeping on my feet :)

I slept for another hour but now awake and feeling sick with the fear again. Sort of because all my night time machinations haven't come up with a conclusion. Of course they haven't.

Sorry for cutting in over others' stories. I feel that if I started my own thread I'd be shot down for being so weak.

Cutted On this thread everyone chips in as and when they need to, its the beauty of it, so don't apologise. Try to at least drink plenty today.

cutted sorry I haven't really spoken much to you yet, having a bit of a crisis here but the girls here I've found are just as supportive, if not more than some friends or family, because they know every emotion you're going through. We've all gone through our private and not so private hell, but you'll see as you go on that things, let me think of a word... Ease for a while, you'll have good days when you'll think "I own this " and you'll have days like me yesterday when it seems like the world is out to get you. You just gotta go with it. There's no manual for this shit, you just do your best to survive. Little by little at your own pace little things will become big victories and you just koko as we have no other option. I don't have a lot of close friends ( my h saw to it that I lost so much confidence, my friends stopped calling ) . I am desperately trying to muddle through until I can face getting out there and meeting new people.
Just give your self time and try to keep busy but rest when you need to.my h controlled all finances etc ( why I'm now skint ) but I spend my days trying to get that stuff all in order now to give me some sense of control back. He doesn't like that and when he's pissed I find it easier because I know he sees me coping then. I like to take long walks, stick my earphones in, put my sunglasses on ( even if it's not sunny ) cod then the tears can come and no one looks near you. Big hugs x

I'm just crying over the kitchen table, trying to be quiet as that isn't the sound I want my guest and son to wake up to.

Someone told me about a supplement called 5HTP that helps with seratonin, I'm going to try and get out to get some. Grasping at straws.
I can't believe DP wants me to go through this but the reality of it is that I am and it is horrible.

I feel that I have nothing to offer.
DP has risen massively in his profession in the last year. I'm just a single parent. I work hard but it's not enough.

1no you're a sweetheart. My h had to see dds pastoral care teacher because she has missed so much school. She suffers badly from migraines and had been self harming. We took her to a lovely child psychologist who she refused to speak to. Thankfully the cutting has stopped but she is very anti counselling. Her dad thinks he can do that job for her ! Yes when I tried to bring up the late night visits ( and subsequent exhaustion) I got accused of trying to stop her seeing her father, by both of them. I do want to go and see pastoral care teacher but I'm wary that she's met my h who comes across as the most sensible, caring, clever man you could meet whereas I'm just a nervous worried Mum.
I have been keeping notes of most things but dd will have her own views on these issues. Police didn't involve s services because the incident happened when dd was in bed and no one saw it. I didn't go through with the complaint as I know my dc would have been devastated but their father made sure he told them and that I lied so I became the bad mum for getting him in trouble with work. But I'm just trying to think what it's all worth in the end if dd doesn't want to stay with me. I just hope that when h goes away for 2 weeks soon I'll have time alone with her to try and make things better. If I could ride it out here for a lot of months I think things could maybe change but that all depends on whether h gets a place of his own... And whether I can take the pressure to get me out. Tired again as up all night waiting on news about my mum so going to ring then get some sleep xxx
Thank you so so much girls x

lol @ hiding the aupair, paddlingduck. One compensation we get is not letting anyone criticize our spending now that we are alone!
The benefits man who organized my housing benefits was quite impressed with the aupair thing when he asked me what I planned to do for childcare.