HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

cutted Every situation is different and maybe there is a future in your case but I exhausted myself with the analysing, begging, texting and thinking of things I could say to make him change his mind. I think others would agree that that's for another time and not right now. Hope the fire is going and the blankets are out. Wrap yourself up and try not to think too far ahead tonight.xx

Bang on the money 1 think we've all done that analysing thing and its exhausting eh, thank god theres somewhere like this to come, look after yourself for now cutting and all the other very new ladies x

Cutted without knowing the history, difficult to advise. But for now, as I said, nothing you can do. So try to concentrate on yourself for a while, try to rest. Are you sleeping at night?

An old boss of mine used to start our weekly team meeting by asking us to tell everyone about a "sparkling moment" from the week before it could be anything that had made us smile or given us a sense of achievement anything we wanted to share.

It's been a rough few days so not everyone will feel like it, but here's mine for today,

I was very stern with H on the phone earlier and he's coming to take dd out on Wednesday (offered to come tomorrow but she has a club) and he's coming to her hospital appointment so I feel a bit better about his attitude, think it's mainly been embarrassment.

And if I can have another, I boxed up his coats and shoes and 3 drawers today, I'm going to give my PJs a drawer of their own :)

He's also agreed to sort out the car insurance the way I want to, he's clearly also spoken to the insurance company, obviously keen to stop paying, but that's fine, I want it sorted, don't want to feel he's doing me any favours.

We have endlessly wrangled about where and how and if we will live together. Now it seems I have put too much pressure on DP to do it, and I will live on my own anyway.

Not sleeping well. Last night I kept waking up with him on my mind and I had to say 'fuck off fuck off' out loud to push those thoughts out and try to get back to sleep.

bravingcan I add my sparkling moment as doing the weeding and gardening oh and anything else mucky in ex's favourite expensive golf glove/s or is that just wicked oops

Well, Izzie is getting angry with the twunt. Went to dentist today, as opposed to hospital. She said that the first antibiotic they gave me was really strong, and she was amazed that, having had that plus the other antibiotics, the infection still took hold, let alone rampaged. That's his bloody doing , isn't it?? How much more damage can he do? None I hope.

Anyway, go me, I've thought, get out and sort out your social stuff. So I've been sorting that tonight, as well as rediscovering the joys of filling the washing machine. Otherwise I will be in serious danger of going commando.

I did think of another name for twat features, something that doesn't refer to any aspect of him, because I want to distance myself from him totally. I forget the name though, durr! It may be something like "gone" or "past". Totally anonymous. I never want to use the word "my" in connection with that twat.

living That's brilliant, love it .

Izzie595 that is spot on...frustrating and heartbreaking.
I am really disliking myself for a myriad of reasons.

DS did light the fire but has just had a massive temper/strop because I have told him he can't to get a new contract phone even though he'll pay for it himself. He's got a Saturday job for the first time but hasn't learnt to manage money yet.
He has ADHD and the tantrums were a regular feature of his life. He has been much better in recent years but when he does it it's horrible. He's 6 ft tall.

Theres a few more braving but are the rules one a week ?

Oh cutted, your posts have reminded me, that was how I felt. Sometimes sill do. But the most important word there is sometimes.

Take care, call someone, get warm, call someone else.

x

Living I think we deserve as many as we can get everyday :)

Cutted I remember not being able to get warm, I was wrapped in a blanket in the house for the first week or so. I lived on tea for a week and would hug the mug. Be kind to yourself xx

My friend was supposed to be here tonight.
He knows how desperate I feel. He is very empathic but quite scatter brained so is bound to turn up really late.
I have no energy at all so will be off to bed before he gets here no doubt.

Sorry for xposting cutting do feel for you alot, just having one of those nights where I'm fed up feeling fed up so bravinghas made me reminisce about the times when he did live here and when he didnt (but still arrived everyday to do washing, work and intimidate) so... bleach accidently fell into the softener drawer of washing machine.. but funnier he turned up next day to show me black socks he was wearing with a nice white line thro them, it was like the "bring and show" day at school (grin) childish but helped me thro the shit

Cutted Beds the best place for you, rest even if you can't sleep.

semtex yes, I think in the end we literally do get fed up of feeling fed up. I'm so tired of feeling tired, so pissed off with feeling so pissed off and so sad that I'm endlessly sad. It's like 'our' song says, "take me some place where there's music and there's laughter." Perhaps that's why 'meh' eventually comes, even fleetingly.

hobbit great Jessage today - as always

Hope everyone at least coping out there tonight. Thinking of you all xx

Ali please don't leave the house, I know it's really hard for you right now and it might seem easier to give up but if you leave it could end up being even more upsetting and stressful for you.

Stay in the house even if your DD says she won't communicate with you, the communication will come. Your ex probably sees your wavering as a possible opening to him living back in the house so is manipulating your DD to benefit himself. Be firm but calm with both your DD and your ex that you will be staying in the house and mean it.

The relationship with your DD will improve, you spent a bit of time with her last night. If your DD is anything like mine there is probably a degree of playing you and your ex off against each other. Be consistent, caring but firm with her. I would see if there is another relative or friend, even your DS, who could talk to her.

I'm going to bed. Friend has texted to say that he is being taken out for a meal nearby. My call for help fell on deaf ears. People say to reach out and ask for help. Well I did and look how important I am to him.

I'm shaking with low blood sugar so am just switching on the electric blanket now.

Cutted Up I am so sorry sweetheart, I hope your friend is with you. Let your DS support you, he will just want to help his mum.

I am sure you feel on the floor at the moment and you don't want to get up again but you will do and you will be pleased that you did however unlikely that feels right now.

Take care off yourself and keep posting.

Sending you hugs x

Cutted sorry cross post. I am so sorry that your friend didn't come round, I am sure you are important to him.

Get yourself into bed, rest even if you don't sleep much and I promise you that you will laugh again, you will smile again and you will feel happier again. Not just yet, but you will.

I hope you manage to get a bit of sleep and let us know how you are. x

paddling and Izzie yes my h is particularly good at controlling and part of a voluntary bit of job without giving anything away is dealing with very troubled individuals.. Yet he likes to refer to me as "fucking mental". He's more angry about me phoning police on him than anything I've ever said or done and won't accept its not on to threaten me. ... Apparently words aren't frightening, nor is being forehead to forehead but everything that came out of dd mouth today was just her father's words. The lady from Women's Aid told me last visit that he clearly had control over dd but it's just so difficult in dealing with it when I know his objective is to try and mind fuck me out of the house. He has just this minute rolled up to take her out... No doubt to fill her head full of his shit again.
I've asked her about counselling with me but that's a big no ! Her father doesn't believe in it yet he frigging is supposed to know how to talk to vulnerable people.... So angry and exhausted at him not letting up. Just constant pressure

Hard day for many on here - sorry, folks - hope you all get some rest tonight. Thanks again to Jess for her contribution No advice to give - just wanted to acknowledge..

ali he has rolled up ay 10pm on a school night to take DD out? Where do they go?