HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

A tight bond, I meant

dd is 15 1/2 and has mostly been the spoiled younger one. DS is almost 20. Until DS left for uni things were fine with us but since then h has been doing the horse thing with her. She has heard us row and since h left she has been devastated about him leaving. Poor him and he has no money and how it's not fair that I expect him to pay for me to keep living here when he's not. It's like his words coming out of her mouth but she firmly believes them. He has held on to this damned horse ( that she doesn't even take proper care of or ride more than once a week ) and used it to his advantage getting her to ask me to pay for its food etc. I put my foot down and said no more and that's when she stopped talking to me. The row before that was because her father had told me he reluctantly agreed he couldn't afford it any more. This was the day he threatened me and I had to phone police. The row before that was because I wouldn't let her get a lift home in a 17 year old boys car. She argues rather than accepts and I foolishly bite but I know h is using this all to get judge and dd on his side. I don't have to leave house legally atm but I really feel like I can't cope with the stress of it all. I actually am the soft touch in the house and he is the bullying policeman who is so clever and manipulative that he knows every trick in the book .... I just am exhausted by them and she can really hurt and sulk like a pro
End of tether

I feel like I've been through this too many times before - once with DP (we decided to stick together ) and several times with my DCs fathers, who left me (although the relationships were EA/DV and just awful).

DS is quite understanding but not v patient. I've just asked him to light the fire because I feel so cold and he is being stroppy about it.
I can't eat.
I feel worthless.

Hi Cutted you say you are in different countries to your DP. Are you in this country and do you have friends you can call on? It can be really helpful to have someone there with you, and although DC are good at times they will not understand what you are going through. Get wrapped up - I understand the cold thing!

Cutted DS will be going through his own stuff too, and that's probably why he is being stroppy about the fire. His instinct will be to protect you, but they rarely realise that supporting you also extends to doing chores. So don't worry that he doesn't take to kindly too doing jobs.

Eating, no you won't feel like it. Make sure you take liquids. Maybe try something like soup or yogurt. Anything that might go down you. Your appetite will gradually return.

You are not worthless. This was DP's decision and is no reflection on you. It's about his needs.

cutted my love, just rest, in bed or on the sofa, drink some hot soup or hot chocolate, or try a milkshake or a smoothie, I know it's so difficult, everything tastes like ashes in your mouth, but it will get easier.

Lean on your son, he can be your rock at the moment, try and rally your friends and family round you if they are close. You're not alone, we are here, and we understand what you are going through. Xx

Policemen. I would never get involved with one after reading too many stories on here and seeing how one treats my friend. However, hold on and have faith. Whyme Ex is a police officer. It didn't do him any good in court, they saw right through him

I'm in this country. I just want to be held. By DP. But he wasn't good at that much the past two years. I just want to talk to him.
We'd talked about having a break before but we both said we didn't want to not be there for the other one. And now this. So no support, no chat. no telling him a good bit of news I may have.

cutted many here know how you feel - and have been through terribly traumatic times and yet now they can sometimes smile and laugh. When I first posted I remember being genuinely surprised that that would ever again be possible. It's horrible to feel like you do, but you are not alone. Keep posting xx

All I keep doing is thinking about the all the things I could say to him that would make it right. If only they would.

Cutting I understand your need to talk to him. Now is not the right time to get through to him. He said he wants a break, and that means he won't be receptive to anything at the moment. Frustrating and heartbreaking as that is for you. It's soo bloody unfair, I know. But you need to give him space. Yes, his bloody needs, I'm afraid.