HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

Stand firm, Roz my love, don't let that abusive idiot back into your head, I ve read all the chump lady stuff, I really found it helpful, she has a style of writing I can connect with, not all airy fairy forgiveness crap, that ain't me!

If I wanna hate someone, I will, if it'll get me through this, some people deserve to be hated, even if it's only for a short while. Your ex DEFINATELY comes into this category in my eyes.

I hate my ex and that bitch that pretended to be a friend, and I'm not apologising for that, or justifying it, it just happens to be the case.

hi Hobbit I think FF & BF are good for yours - you don't have to put too much thought into writing it and rolls right off the tongue

Feeling more refreshed now after the weekend (wrote a post on it about 6.30 yesterday I think) Vertigo seems to do it's own thing, just have to everything slower. Pisses me off I can't go to the gym thought

Hi Autumn and well done. You seem quite far on with things and at the end of the day a job is a job as long it pays the bills! I had my own small business before I got married and was quite proud of it. Now i'd just be happy (?) with an office job. I created other challenges over the years for myself - make the garden good enough I could open it to the public, enter village show cooking competitions, be one of the best in my gym class by getting my heart rate up to 100% on the screen (despite probably being the oldest!)

Roz yes it's horrid when things crop up to remind us of the past. I keep coming across little notes where I used to write down some of the stuff he said to try to make sense of it (hid them in recipe books etc!) All I can say is look forward, not behind

Re the make-up thing someone mentioned - iwas I think. when I last changed my make-up over 10 years ago the Boots lady didn't even recognise the packaging of my then current No 7 eye shadow - before her time and she's been there over 10 years

First day all on my own, kids gone back to school today, my 18 years old DS has text me to say he wants to go to the doctors as he's really struggling, I feel sick with worry but glad he's not bottling it all up, feel glimmers of angry today that I've been left to deal with the fall out, he's only had to tell his mum and brother, I've had to tell all my family and friends as well as dealing with my own heartache and the physical bashing my body is taking, he says he's going to do all he can to help get us through this etc etc but how? All we want is him home, if he hadn't spent so much time at work and tried to reconnect when he realised his feelings were changing we might not be here now, he's admitted this too, but it's all too late, never thought I could hurt so much, it's actually the worst pain I've ever felt

Yes, we all understand that pain, frizzy my love, that pain is actually physical pain in your chest isn't it? Your heart actually aches from the shock of what you're going through. All I can say is it does ease off after a while, it will get better, but I know that's little comfort to you at present.

If you're getting flashes of anger that's showing that your fight is coming back, use your anger to get stronger, and life won't seem so difficult to bear.

It's so hard to come to terms with, it's the most difficult thing I've ever had to face, even worse than the early death of my mum two weeks after my youngest was born. But what choice do we have?

Sink or swim? And I ain't drowning!

It's still so early days for you, recognise that it is hell, cry all you want, hide under the duvet, rant and vent on here, anything that will get you through the hard yards, we're all here for you my love, x

That's nothing bobs I think I've got eyeshadow older than my eldest, and he's 23.

Frizzy You are doing so well... The anger will come and all sorts of changing emotions. It's a horrible process. Mine, Tom ( Bastarding Cunt ) in case you missed the rename did the same at the start. He even got me to meet him and took me to where he had our first kiss, told me he was still in love with me ( after the I love you but am not in love with you speech) and cried and said that maybe after years of refusing to accept his ability to realise his controlling nature, he could now see it and maybe he would go to marriage guidance. I sat and cried and cried thinking "yes this is what I have waited on.. His realisation and he's going to go to counselling with me" . He held my hand, hugged me and even stayed overnight ( in spare room ). The next morning he got a call from a much higher up boss, a slap on the back for a job he did really well. He came into the room all smiles and I knew he was happier with that call than he was with me. That day he went back to the same position... He was gone and staying gone. For a few weeks he came in and treated the house as his own when getting dd. he would make a cuppa, eat my biscuits and then leave and think nothing of it. He hasn't had to be on his own yet as he moved straight in with his best mate. He has no idea of the hurt or loneliness and wants to move back in here but with me gone. Don't trust this "I want to help" shit ... They just want to make themselves feel better. It will be like a roller coaster for a long time, I've learned that from the lovely ladies here. But we can survive it and come out better for it. I've already got some independence back and that feels good !
Just don't expect too much too soon. Just go with the flow and like they say KOKO xxxx

Here she is, she's s nowty cow, just like her owner! Xx

Loving the pic of Jess

They are coming thick and fast. Friend at work, her partner walked out. He's a police officer. He seems to be following the pattern of the other police officers on here. Real nasty bullying bastard trying to stitch her up. He used to tell her she was bipolar, not right in the head, and has filmed her getting annoyed, following her around the house goading her until she hit him. He can't be heard in dpfilm but she can. He says he will use this to get full custody of their DD. Another one who does sod all with DD usually but will use her to get at my friend.

I need to be here I think.
DP of 7yrs told me he wants a break.
We are in different countries now. The break means not being there for each other any more.
My heart feels full of sickness.
I am desperate, heartbroken, angry, depressed. Feel like I'm whirling round with a scattergun dispensing tears and anguish.

I am terrified of being alone - I don't mean so much not in a relationship, but of going home alone. I'm scared of myself.

cutted we are with you, keep posting it helps so much

Sorry to be so needy but after having a discussion with my h about dd he is still claiming that he should be her main carer and that's what she wants. Again with me out of the house, so when I collected dd from school and she still wasn't speaking I tried to calmly ask her what was going on... So from what I can gather, the rows that she and I have had ( all over her horse incidentally) has now escalated into how I am impossible to live with and she wants to live with her father 'and visit me on weekends' ... Is it just me or does this sound like he's got to her ? She would like to stay in her own house but if her Dad had a place she'd move there. Only problem is he can't afford it because he's so much in debt. So her solution is ( if I don't move out ) that we live in this house and just don't communicate! I am about 15 mins away from packing my bags and giving them both what they want. Can't take any more and just give up. My daughter hates me and doesn't even care if I have nowhere to go. Please tell me someone has been here ?!

I really don't think I can cope with this any more ... It's like being bullied by the 2 of them

Ali and I'm sorry I kept calling you All purely down to my bad eyesight. If she wants to spend weekends with you that's most of her free time it really doesn't sound like she hates you it sounds like she's just saying what he's told her to say. Walk away from the rows like it describes in that book if you've got that far. Does he have the legal right to move back to the house and if so does he even want to? I'd cross that bridge if it happens.

Ali I know this is intolerable but DO NOT LEAVE..

I'm sure others will have better advice as to how to handle DD, but for the time being I would say nothing more to her about it. She's had her say, now leave her to think about it. Don't try to persuade her to live with you, don't tell her whether or not you plan to stay. If she pushes the point, give her some sort of holding reply but give her no indications. Maybe if she thinks your leaving might be a possibility, then reality will kick in.

As I say, those with daughters would be better placed as to how to deal with this, but from the legal point of view DO NOT LEAVE.

ali Hang on in there and don't make any rash decisions, I can feel your pain from your post, I don't know what the answer is, but I do understand teenagers, and how self obsessed they can be, do not move from that house, she will stop all this nonsense soon enough, xxxx

Ali please remind us how old DD is. It may help others trying to help. There's a lot of difference between a younger and older teenager, and in how to deal. Thanks. I feel your pain. I'm totally frustrated for you and would love to give DD a bloody good talking to!!

Sorry to cut in when other people are having such difficulties.

I am scared that I will try to contact DP, scared that I don't want to be on this planet any more, scared that I will blub all over DS (18) again, it's not fair on him.

CuttedUpPear my love don't apologise do you have a close friend or family member who could come and be with you or if not at least be on the end of the phone to give you a bit of support?

CuttedupPear Let it out, your DS is old enough to understand you're in pain and you need a shoulder, at 11 my Dd held me while I sobbed. This is the worst bit, it slowly gets easier every day.

ali I'm totally in agreement with others. Do not leave your home because an understandably emotional 15 year old, who is in all likelihood being primed by her father, wants you to. I probably am going to leave mine but in very different circumstances. I certainly wouldn't because my teenagers decide they'd rather live here with their father than me. I would just say that I'm sorry that she feels like that but you are her mother and her place is with you (and DS) in the family home that her father chose to leave. I'd firmly but calmly say that you leaving the home is not a possibility but if at some stage in the future her father has a suitable home then that is her choice. Until then you would appreciate some cooperation and perhaps a tiny bit of understanding as to what you are going through. I have a daughter and I'm sorry to say this, she'd have had a piece of my mind if she dared suggest that I should move out of my home because her and her runaway father would prefer it. Yes she's young, yes she's probably devastated but there is a limit to what you have to put up with.

Could you get your son on board to talk to her? Perhaps your DD needs to be told that your son is needing to see a doctor due to all the upset and perhaps for his sake, if not for yours, she could start thinking of someone other than herself and start accepting the situation as it is, at least for the time being, for all your sakes. Perhaps I'm harsh and others would disagree but......just my opinion.

Cutting iwas going to say the same re DS. He is old enough and he will want to comfort you. My youngest was not yet 17 when I was first left. He comforted me. A son's instinct is to protect his mother. I have and still do sometimes cry in front of my sons. Less so now but I used to totally sob my heart out. They comforted me every time. They accept that is how life is. It's not the way we would choose to teach them, but it will make them better men for it. One thing I learned is that the remaining family go through it together and form a right bond.

The bleakest times are at the start. And however bleak and pointless your life may feel at the moment, your first instinct is your son. And the bottom line is that you will never ever desert your son. That is always the overriding reason, my love.