HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

iwas are you dyslexic or wot??

Hobbititis, not hobbitis daft bat

Hobbit I laughed at your suggested response to how are you of "actually, I'm fucking shit! How are you?" Months ago I saw someone I know, friend of a friend who knew what had happened and she asked me how I was and it was clearly a rhetorical question because I replied something like "not that great, could be better" she said "oh that's good"!! obviously expecting me to trot out with "I'm okay."

Braving yes we are will rid of them but it does take a while to realise that and I think there will always be regret that they didn't turn out to be the honest and decent man we thought they were.

Bobs I didn't realise that this going our malarkey entailed fake tan and loads of slap!!! Er shower, blouse, trousers and brush hair here. Maybe that's why I'm not finding it stressful!

WWK good luck with your interviews. You will find new long term goals but first you need to be kind to yourself, you have had a year of hell and you need to recharge your batteries and regroup. When you feel ready I am sure new goals will come to you, but they're not there at the moment because your mind is telling you to recover a bit first. Bit like Izzie pushing herself with all the decorating. Take care. x

It's my wedding anniversary next week, will be 26 years and I suppose it will still count technically as we're not yet divorced. If someone had told me last year on our Silver wedding anniversary that we'd have been getting divorced by the time the next anniversary came around I'd have laughed them out of town! Not laughing now. Bastard.

Izzie one of the best rules of the thread is taking the mick out of you!! and Sid.

I noticed Hobbititis after I posted it but didn't think anyone would notice cow

Can I get this to work

Probably not, but here goes

I'm trying some IT shit

go me I think

Hi everyone, firstly really sorry about everyone's shit they're going through this weekend - ali fuckit fairy frizzy . Have vaguely skimmed messages but in no fit state to reply to any atm - too brain taxing but am thinking of you. Others are saying what I'd say anyway.

Yes I had a lovely night "getting down with the kids" last night. Cocktails at our house were accompanies by the odd vodka shot and more present opening for DD2. Then we got a mini bus to a cocktail bar in town. What an experience! Music so loud we had to shout, a saxophonist plying along to the music, girls on stilts, a photographer taking pics of everyone for FB page, and a scantily clad girl doing the rounds trying to get us to buy shots. I accosted the bouncers and asked them why they didn't ID any of us (well besides me obvs!) as DD2 was dying to show her ID. It's because we showed up so early I think and they don'y bother so much. Anyway, cocktails were good, as were the toffee apple shots. DD2 had the opportunity to go behind the bar to mix her own cocktail but didn't want to do it.

I then left them to go on clubbing and returned home for much needed blotting paper. I spent about ½ hr trying to read WWK's post but although brilliant, just a tad too much for me at that time. I then got a garbled phone call from DD2 at about !.30am saying she didn't know what to do. Apparently DD1 and boyfriend had deserted her and got a taxi home Luckily there were still loads of other people she knew at the club so she go a taxi back with them. And karma being what it is, DD1 has been suffering all day today and has just had to go to work

Now the interesting thing is that I discovered that alcohol trumps vertigo! No dizzy spells at all last night till 5am when i needed a wee

Anyway, been a good weekend off, back to shitfuckwittery tomorrow....let battle commence!

Izzie Hobbit's 6 bullet points - see Thread 2, Feb 16th, 16.56. (I did an advanced search, see - "No 6 cunt" posted by Hobbit001)

Tabby yes days like that get to me too, I know the day he started his affair with her and it was the "anniversary" yuk of that a few days after I ended our marriage and I found it bloody hard that day thinking over how it all started and what they'd said to each other and done. Reading text messages doesn't always help!

Rozalia I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you, it helps to talk about it all. It is heartening to hear how you are getting involved with your interests and doing things for you. x

Wise that sounds really difficult as well. Hope you are okay too. x

Cassa sorry you are having a bad weekend and even though you knew that it was going that way it would obviously be upsetting to mention divorce to you. Everything is a big shock for a long while and it takes an awful lot of getting used to. Hope your thing at work goes well tomorrow. x

Ali yes it can be difficult finding common ground. DD and I don't have that many shared interests so I've ended up doing things that she likes quite a lot of the time. She finds a lot of my interests boring. But we both like food!! so we've just done simple things sometimes like go out for a bacon roll. OW hasn't had as much impact on my DD as I thought it would, it did initially but he's talked her round to some extent although she does still get angry at him she has put most of the blame on OW rather than her dad.

Thank you bobs and glad you had a good evening. Sounds very interesting, quite an experience. It's good to have a well deserved break from things.

Ali ranting is good. You sound stronger again tonight

iwas Thanks, it was years ago but funny how you remember these things.

Karma will get them all in the end - what goes around, comes around and all that. I don't even know for sure that mine has OW. He strenuously denies it but the nearly 50 year old cynic that I am believes the saying, "cherchez la femme". I know my m and d think he must have and they're normally right.

He's got back and is now cooking dinner and being all considerate. A sign of a guilty conscience me thinks. Anyway, if he wants to cook, I'm going to make the most of it. Where's the wine bottle?

Hello Bobs pleased you had a great night, have you just sobered up at 6.30?! Is it mediation tomorrow? x

Izzie your computer skills are great, you have very modern taste in music! What's wrong with Downtown by Petula Clark

I am so exhausted tonight, I'm in bed already DD I on her iPad next to me, she seems to be coping the best out of us all, 10 years old and holding it together 100 times more than her 41 year old mother, my friend has text and is coming on the school run with me in the morning, so grateful to her, people really are wonderful at times aren't they, just wish these butterflies would fuck off and give me a break, managed 6 spoons of yoghurt but started gagging so my mum swiftly removed the offending item, will try again tomorrow, I bet I'm super annoying with my whinging it's just I'm getting so much hope and ( future) strength from you lovely lot, if you'd have told me I would get so much from people I don't know I'd of called you a nutter, but I truly am, he just seems to be able to carry on, how can you even look at yourself in the mirror and not fall apart knowing you've broken 4 hearts, the only people that love you unconditionally, I just don't understand

1 good that you have your parents for support. I've learnt that men don't often leave unless they have someone to go to sadly. Quite possibly a guilty conscience. With cooking is anything to by I don't think Sid had one, I couldn't tell you the last time he cooked for the family. Enjoy the wine but don't hit him over the head with the bottle

iwas I've been taking my duties very seriously. What a geek I am!

I like a lot of different types of music. But Uptown Funk is a special song because it is the Theme Toon for the Izmobile. It was the first song we heard in it, on the radio. Me and the sons. And now it's my, yeah go Iz song.

Especially for iwas

Thanks iwas not so much sobered up wasn't actually THAT pissed more a case of being to able to see what I'm typing throu all the left over mascara/eye liner/eye shadow i'm not used to slathering on!

No mediation tomorrow - might even be a case that there won't even be any more meetings. More that I've had the weekend off from thinking about all his shit. (Not even quite sure he realised it was DD2's 18th, but we didn't expect any less from him)

Frizzy I bet you are holding it together just as well as we all did, e.g. we didn't to start with.

Great that your friend is going with you tomorrow, people are very kind and helpful. Don't beat yourself up for having 6 spoons of yoghurt, commend yourself that you did because it's more than you would have managed a few days ago. Just try and keep hydrated and make sure you drink (water not wine!!).

You are not super annoying you are just super and you are going through one of the most horrendous experiences that you could go through so keep posting whenever you need however dreadful you feel and we will try and help you. I don't understand how they can cause so much hurt to the people that they love neither and I don't think I will ever understand. The best I can come up with is that he does love you and the children but your concept of love is different to his.

I've found you! This shit is hard!

Well it seems that the London one wasn't the only marathon today !!! Wowsa!

frizzy as someone else said you are in very early days - don't expect too much of yourself! It's one step forward and several back at times. It's like being an alcoholic " one day at a time ( or even less!) ". I lived on for weeks.

Frizzy I'm glad you are being looked after. And what's all this nonsense about whinging, young lady?? You are definitely not doing that, nor are you being annoying. We've all been there. We all know exactly what it's like, exactly how you feel. And when you've been through it yourself, and got so much support from others, it's natural to want to do what you can to pass on some of that much needed support. You take it easy, same as you would advise anyone else.

As for him, oh fuck knows what gets into them. It's one big fucking cliche, my love. I will let others comment on them. But yes, it's totally unjustifiable, totally selfish and totally barking.

We have done 400 posts in less than 72 hours. Bloody hell! At this rate, we will be onto a new thread before the weekend.

iwas ha ha I'll try not

frizzy whinge away -in fact you're not whinging anyway - you're understandably crying out for support and trying to make sense of your feelings - like we all have been I guess. I know what you mean about this thread and the lovely ladies here. They are literally life savers and we don't even know each other.

How do they carry on, knowing what they've done?? A total mystery. During my begging stage I implored him to see a doctor - I thought he must genuinely be ill. Still do actually but I've exhausted myself with the analysing - there are no rational answers and I began to drive myself crazy with it all. I can't change his mind (nor help him) but I can change the way I deal with the situation and try to help myself. I got to the sink or swim stage and started paddling. You don't think you will ever feel differently than you do now, but you will, one day. Be gentle on yourself xx

1 I must admit I am very baffled by HRT. He's proving to be as difficult to read as the git I married.

Anyone come up with suggestions for a Jessgram? My only suggestion, on this total day of madness, would be WTF?? I think that could be relevant to all of us.

Pleased to hear it Izzie. You and your sons song, I like that idea. Like Izmobile too! Good job you changed your name, it wouldn't have sounded so good before!!

Thank you for a decent song.

Bobs you had a great night anyway. I don't think I've even got any eyeliner, I don't even wear lipstick! No worries here about DD pinching my makeup - she'd have to find some worth pinching!

I see now, days off without thinking about shit are fairly rare really even now. I'm sorry I don't mean to be offensive but I'm quite shocked that your ex couldn't even remember it was your DD's 18th bastard I hope she's not too upset by it even if it was expected. Give her these and this from all the women in the bar. xx

Robsters hello and welcome and sorry you feel the need to be here. If you want to chat we are here. x

Izzie as Sunday is Poldark night I think Jess should have a Poldark theme ducks

I couldn't find the post but I think someone said that they weren't quite sure how to refer to their ex on here. I used husband for ages, long after we had split up because I didn't feel ready to put ex. I still don't really use it, I find Sid easier. But I do use ex-DH because to me it stands for my ex-Dear Husband. He might still be my husband but he's no longer my dear husband and that fits about right for me.

Quite funny actually, I saw my sister the other day and I accidentally referred to my ex-DH as Sid!!

Helllooo ladies, just pulling up a stool at the bar for a chinwag, I've read through the posts and I think a few jessages and jessagrams are needed, as the mood is a tad sombre.

Frizzy my love, you are in shock, your body is in shock, it is a physical condition, your system is in fight or flight mode from the cortisol flooding through your body due to the extreme stress you're dealing with at the moment. Stop apologising, you're not weak, you're ill, in a few days it will improve, get your family and friends to rally round and help you all they can.

Hobbititis! Cheeky caahhhhs... Izzie and Iwas how very dare you?
Tee HEE, guess where I'm posting this from,? Yes, that's correct, bed

Big son is making food tonight, little son is walking the pooch, hobbit is a lady of leisure. Just gonna do a funny Jess pic tonight, to raise a smile,
Don't let the bastards grind you down ladies< and drifting>
Chin up, tits out,