HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

So sorry for everything you lovely ladies are going through today. You all deserve so much better than these selfish pricks.

All have you read the book called 'get out of my life but first take me and Alex to town'? Or in your case it would be 'get out of my life but first take me to the horse'. The way she is intacteracting with you is completely normal for a teenager the way she is interacting with her father isn't. She scared of losing him. She isn't scared of losing you. The biggest problem is him trying to alienate her from you. My ex did this for a number of months and it causes so much emotional harm to the child.

The way I stopped him doing it was similar to the way Iwas stopped it and I don't know if this is good advice or would even work in your situation. He didn't really want my DS he just wanted a piece of me so I let him have it. Whereas I would have otherwise gone no contact with him I started having occasional friendly chats all the while remembering that he is abusive and being very wary and taking what he said with a pinch of salt. If his goal is to get you out of the house this may not work and I would definitely advise you to stay in the house your DD would hate being there with him after a short time and by then it would be too late.

iwas I'm totally with you on that. I had a long term boyfriend at uni whom I actually became engaged to but we broke up shortly after uni as we wanted different things. I went travelling and stayed for a while with the ex of a close friend of mine who was also on a working holiday abroad. It became obvious he wanted a 'fling' but I couldn't do that to a friend. She'd loved him. Simple as. There were plenty of other fish in the sea as far as I was concerned. I returned home to discover that me ex and 'said friend' whose feelings I'd considered, hadn't had any such regard for me. They'd had a 'fling' in my absence. I was devastated that they would do that to me. Of all the men in all the world...........I remember saying to her that I was shocked - she couldn't see the problem. I'm still acquaintances with her today (with both of them) but it meant nothing to either of them - but for a woman to do that to another woman just for a few hours of ???? Why???? Maybe I have the problem but I just don't get it.

Ali talking to my ex-DH about how upset my DD was didn't really work. He actually had to see it for himself. The times he has seen her really upset he has been very good with her and really tried.

But since he has been back with OW I have distanced myself from him and he hadn't really seen her in the state that I have seen her in. I've told him and he's been concerned and says he will talk to her and reassure her and says that it's "to be expected" that she will be upset. When he has then spoken to her she's not broken down in the same way she has at home and he's not seen the impact.

But when she did break down with him a few weeks back it hit home to him and he felt guilty and ashamed and realised the damage it was having on her and we wanted to work together to try and make it as easy for her as possible.

I hope everything is okay Izzie.

1 I'm sorry that must have been hard especially when you showed them respect but they couldn't do the same for you.

A lot of people seem very selfish these days (that might be my old hat on) and seem to have the attitude that their happiness is the most important thing and it doesn't matter who else gets hurt as long as they get what they want.

I think the world would be a lot better if people showed the same respect that you did. x

Can't get my shit together today, laying on sofa, mum and sister still here, worst day so far, got to face the playground tomorrow and dreading it, not even sure how my legs will get me there, still not eating, drinking lucozade, never imagined I would feel so ill

Frizzy I don't know if this would work for you, but I told one of DDs friends mums and asked her to tell the other mums I usually speak to, and I told DD she could tell her friends if she wanted to, so word kind of spread and I got lots of lovely messages and lots of support, even if it was just a knowing smile across the playground.

I found that easier than people asking me if I was OK, when I clearly wasn't. So many other women have been in the same position unfortunately and will understand.

I did the same at work, I told my line manager and the person I sit next to and interact with the most and asked them to tell people.

Don't even get me started about OWs. A lot of them are pathetic specimens who can't pull a man of their own. They live in this stupid fantasy world acting like they are in some tragic forbidden doomed love shit. The reality is that they are a substitute for what the so called man is missing at home. Often validation. They are generally less attractive than the wife, and an all round poor substitute. But then for these men who need validating, grabbing someone that no self respecting man would bother with, makes them feel good. Well, compared to what they are shagging behind the wife's back, they probably do look good.

Their doomed forbidden love only exists fanned by the common enemy, ie the wife. Once the wife is taken out of the equation, the relationship is what it is in the cold light of day. All the secrecy, the excitement, all disappears, and they are left with huge disappointment of the reality of the situation, and a load of shit from the kids etc. as well as less than half of their assets, and a fair portion of their pensions snuffled. Take a look at the link I did to fairy today about the reality of these affairs once they hit daylight

A huge proportion of men regret leaving their wives. They don't seem to recover from it.

Karma, ladies.

Here's the link
affairadvice.wordpress.com/2012/12/09/do-affairs-end-up-in-successful-relationships-13/

Sorry just catching up with some of the earlier posts, I can't believe how many pages there have been since Friday!

1 your ex has no right to criticise you for not voting. As has been said women have the right to vote not the obligation to. If he is so concerned about women's rights he won't mind doing all the housework will he!

Me I have seen hoovering mentioned on the site a few times and know what it is now. I am sorry that must be difficult for you, I hope he starts respecting your wishes soon. He seems to be trying various different tactics doesn't he? I hope you are okay. x

Tabby yes I am doing meh quite well at the moment thank you. Although it does still get to me, sometimes when you least expect it. I think it was Thursday night I was on here until late, we had a bit of a giggle and went to bed with a bit of a smile on my face and feeling okay and then five minutes after getting into bed I'm in tears. Nothing happened to spark it off just the realisation that he has actually done this. Then today Sid has been out in our yard for most of the day doing things to do with the business and the building and in theory it could have just been what would have been a normal day here except it isn't because when he's finished he will be going back "home" to his girlfriend next door.

And the other thing is......the always regard the first wife as a threat

Game on!

To clarify, the OW always regards the first wife as a threat.

Unless you're the second wife!

Frizzy is lucozade an energy drink? If so be careful. Too much of them can really cause bad stomach cramps.i know, I've experienced it myself. I drank and still do, coca cola. It's my energy boost and takes away the empty stomach feeling when not eating.

Can someone else pick up the kids and take them to school? And I agree, ask others to pass on your news. I found it incredibly difficult to tell people personally. And I found ways to get round it, as per what others said up thread.

You are physically ill, my love. Caused by events. So take what help you can get

Ok, iwas, the current wife is always a threat. The one who has the kids etc. in your case you're the first wife in all bar name

I didn't tell everyone at work. Some people probably still think I'm married. The reason I didn't tell a lot of people at work was because they would therefore treat me exactly the same, and I wouldn't have to talk about it or be reminded. I just told the people who needed to know and who I wanted to know. I've gradually told a few others if it raised in conversation, but it's been more factual at that stage

I mentioned that a huge number of men regret leaving their wives. Actually, we already have a first example of this on the thread, I believe, although it's our lovely gentleman Drifting, whose wife seems to be full of regret. And in a huge mess.

iwashappy Inogoing back yep I've seen my solicitor who has told h that I'm not vacating house and whilst he has no home of his own yet she stays with me. Like you say too, my dd has very similar, quite domineering personalities ( well he's just a bully ). I'd like to. Think that time will heal and help but it's the now I find it hard to cope with. Sometimes I almost wish I knew if there is another woman as that would change her view. But yep, I asked her about a day spa ... "Meh I don't like to be touched ", I can't swim lol and when I go to horse ( which I'm not very good with and can't muck out due to health) she sticks her earphones in !! I agree we need to find common ground... Unfortunately twathead claimed our season tats to rugby so that was me pushed out of that one too. Makeup yep that's the other one I tried, she's gone all Emo so that's out the window now too lol .... See where I'm going with this ?
Re OW ... I truly despise women who break up not only marriages but whole families and I totally agree that they will never have real trust in their relationships knowing ...well if they did it once!
Ino ... My h was the same, had nothing, climbed the ladder with me fecking holding it steady and what does he do... Jumps off and fucks off just when he gets to near the top. Now I have no money as he spent it all and as I'm fighting back and going to take half that lovely pension and pay out, he's skint and has to resort to trying to chuck me out of here. He thinks that's his only option but I will try to fight and stay put until house is sold. He might be able to afford to live in it but with negative equity, when it's sold, half of nothing is still nothing.
That's my rant over for now !!

Oh sorry, lots of msgs crossed there, will catch up now... Eager to read anything that will help x

I think most of us have said our EXs look shit rather than glowing :)

Tabby guess what? That is exactly why I have missed these latest posts. We have been texting casually ( without much insulting) and I know he's a bullying get who wants this house but all of a sudden he is responding with a sudden change to 'of course I'll take her to school some mornings' and I've tried talking to her about horse situation. When I had cut him off he stepped up the pressure but at the minute... Yes it's a bit of a dangerous game but if I get part of my daughter back, I'm willing to play !
I'm also going to look up that book now ... Thank you all again you lovely ladies xx

Hello Piece, sorry to hear about your ex. I am sorry he is continuing to be horrible to you and there is no reason for him to tell you he is seeing someone when they've only been out a couple of times. I hope you are okay. x

Like some of the band names! Font "Sid Sideburns and the Shites"!! He used to say that if he could have had his time over again he would have done something musically. He used to sit in our office with OW and play her songs that he liked! Sad bastard

Fairy the last few days must have been very hard for you, I hope you are okay and the children too.

Me if you're wobbling a bit I would second re-reading your thread.

Bobs pleased you had a great night out and that your DD enjoyed her 18th.

Hobbit I love the lion hat! even if Jess didn't I totally agree that WWK always hits the nail on the head, always perceptive and wise.

Wise I hope you're feeling a bit brighter now.

Fuckit sorry the mediation was difficult, hopefully you will have more time to prepare next time. x

Hobbit I am taking my duties as next proprietor very seriously. And so I need to know what number 6 is. Well I know the word. But I mean was it a list of rules or what. I don't want to be factually incorrect with my first post, do I? Not when I'm following Mother and have Spreadsheet bobs following!

Talking of whom, where the hell is bobs?

And what are we having as Jessgram today! ladies? Suggestions needed I'm getting all excited now to see what it will be

Izzie it was a list of reasons for why the twunts have behaved that way if I recall correctly.

Have you got Hobbitis you lazy cow!!! look it up x

Thread 5

Shut UP iwas. I'm busy sorting the new thread. We are nearly at 400 posts since Thursday night I think.

Oh yeah, new rule for the next thread....no insulting me that's her gone then