HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

bobs glad evening went well. Not remembering DD's 18th is beyond belief. We ask again, how can they live with themselves?

izzie I'm totally baffled. He veers between being cruel and almost psychotic, to the cat who's got the cream. He's come back almost without a care in the world today. Did the grocery shopping on the way home and actually bought my lunches for the week!! What's that all about??? I thanked him but pretty much ignored him other than that. He's chatted away to DS and they watched footie together for a bit. Perfect husband and father act - I'm not fooled though x

Frizzy the first few weeks are terrible but after that you will slowly and gradually feel a bit better as time goes on. Those of us further along can vouch for that.

WWK is mother and Iwas I think you are like the leader of our group therapy always making sure everyone is acknowledged and answered which is lovely.

All yes it is a dangerous game and one I've been playing for eight months now. You need a huge degree of Meh and several times he's upset me and I've distanced myself. But he wants my friendship and giving him that stopped him hurting DS, he still tells him lies and poor me stories occasionally but nothing like it was last summer when I was NC with him and he was relentless in his criticism of me with DS and I couldn't do a thing with DS he was in such a state. I used to feel sick and shaky reading his horrible messages. I limit it by making excuses that I have to be somewhere or do something. I try to be cheerful and chatty. If he mentioned legal stuff that I don't want to discuss or anything I think may cause an argument I say 'I'll think about that' 'I'm not sure I'm a bit confused I'll ask my solicitor' 'I'll get back to you about that' or something similar.

Is it the last Poldark episode iwas? Well, as we have a lady dog, she will have a good pair of tits to show. Actually more than a pair.....cos I know these things!

I have a feeling though that poor Jess will just humiliate herself and look like a turkey. That's what my lab used to look like when she was sleeping on her back

Quite funny actually, I saw my sister the other day and I accidentally referred to my ex-DH as Sid

I've been meaning to ask that question today. And was just poised to type it and I read that post

What was her response? Or how did you get out of it?

The question obviously being have you ever accidentally referred to him as Sid?

Well, here she is, looking pleased as punch to be a giraffe!
I think if she had thumbs she'd be on the blower to the RSPCA

fairy you take care too Hun, just feels like it's not real at the moment, it's just crazy, been reading another thread, I think you may have posted on there too, poor girl who's OH has just dumped her and there twins for a girl at work also after no time at all, I honestly have sat with my mouth open at the heartless and senseless behaviours of these men, I always felt so blessed in my relationship, what a frigging joke that turned out to be, he's had all these negative feelings and now I've got to play catch up as well as deal with my loss, my kids and all the crap this brings, I really hope your ok, you've been incredibly brave

Hobbit it makes a change that you are a lady of leisure. I've done lots today, er I've walked the dog, fed the dog and kittens, played with the kittens, spend most of the day in Hobbit's Bar, taken my DD to her summer job (5 minutes up the road but no she can't walk or cycle!) and picked her up, and have a roast dinner in the oven.

I meant to do washing, hoovering (sorry Me), change the beds, clean the kitchen floor and catch up with a lot of paperwork but there's always tomorrow!

1 I've had the veering between the cruel and the cat that got the cream or self satisfied, smug, smirky and cocky in Sid's case.

Thank you Tabby x

Izzie yes it is the last sob episode are you secretly watching it

I said someone joked he was a bit like Sid James and it had stuck in my head!

I don't think Jess would go for a corsetIzzie my love, although she is redhead like Demelza,

Fairy "I just cannot figure it out and never ever will. How do you get to the point where you stop trying?" You realise they are not worth it sweetheart but I still try sometimes The first few weeks are the hardest, the bed feels empty (get a dog!), you keep forgetting they're not there, meals are strange it's a horrible, huge adjustment and it takes time.

Sid moved out in November and I've mainly got used to it now, but it does still feel strange sometimes. You do still forget momentarily. I see he's over in the office sometimes and that still feels weird because I knew when he was going over before and then suddenly I go in the kitchen in the evening and I see the office lights are on and it's a peculiar feeling. It's worse when I go back to the kitchen later and the lights are off and I know he's back at OW's.

Jump in anytime you like. x

Hobbit have you an entire collection of animal outfits?! Lion, giraffe do you have any zebra ones?

Frizzy yes I have been reading that one with the twins, he sounds a right heartless bastard and I don't think she's any better.

I'm enjoying the Jessages Hobbit what a nice evening for you - in bed, supper cooked by DS and Poldark.

No spoilers please ladies as prob won't get to watch till tomorrow as DDs don't watch it.

PS my tits don't go out, only down

Well 1 Mr HRT, has got the play acting of father and husband of the year down pat hasn't he? Obviously not a guilty bone in his body, no feelings of remorse or regret for ripping apart his family's stability.
As you said before, 'cherchez la femme' , very few men leave a wife and family to be alone, why would you?

He's being very calculating in his actions, but where is he going to?
I think there must be an OW, a work colleague or aquaintance maybe, do you think he will admit it ? Have you challenged him?
Love you by the way, you are a very strong intelligent lady, KOKO,x

Ha ha, Bobsy too true, Gravity's a bitch ain't she?
How are ya, still got a head like Birkenhead? < as they say oop North>

Iwas unfortunately I don't have a zebra, that will be my next purchase
< Jess hides under bed>

Izzie I love Uptown Funk and that video. I shared it with Twunt when he was briefly back at the beginning of this year. He said "Who is this Bruno Mars? I've never heard of him", all dismissive like.

I read him highlights from Mars' Wiki entry - No 1s, 2 Grammys, 2 Brits.

"Oh" he said. Don't think Bruno's ever got over the shame of being unknown by Twunt, world leading music critic.

Hobbit you haven't got a zebra! If you haven't got a camel I really will get the hump sorry

Heard this song the radio today - Taylor Swift :

" Cause darling I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream"

I thought - that's what I want to be!

I think that Jessage goes well with the London Marathon Day! Thank you Hobbit and Jess

Roz oh yes that dismissive tone! pompous twats! tell me about it. Have left the auto exclamations in this time.

Same as if someone told a slightly iffy joke, particularly a dirty joke. He would do a bit of a jump back as though someone had just put something unpleasant under his nose. Obviously he managed to overcome his prudish nature to commit adultery a number of times!

Good old Jess. Bless her heart. I laughed out loud.

hobbit He maintains that he is going out because I obviously find it so hard when he's home - I think he honestly believes that he's doing me a favour - which I guess he is as I do find it easier to function when he's gone. In the week he's away 2/3 nights - work. Last night he told me he was going to see a band with work colleagues and staying over with one - married guy.

I think it's someone he's met through work. I used to go shopping to the town where he works a fair bit during the holidays and we'd have lunch. I noticed that he started making excuses about 2 years ago for me not going there anymore - too busy etc. I did wonder at the time why, but took him at his word. He strenuously denies it and has in fact almost been threatening about me 'starting rumours' about him having an affair. He says there's no one else - he's just fallen out of love and can't live like this for the rest of his life. I don't believe him but God knows what the truth is.

He wanted to rent a flat at Christmas time but as I've said previously, I begged and begged him to stay with us until DS's exams are over. I've tried everything to 'reach' him but can't. I know I've done all there is to be done to save my marriage - but it takes two.

He's been pretty nasty at times since and said some awful things. Picked fights for no reason. Saying hurtful things to get a reaction. I'm trying to keep the house peaceful for DS but it's so hard. I think I might actually hate him now for putting me through this. He recently said that what he'd like is a formal separation agreement - it's in fact being drawn up - and we see how 'we' feel a year down the line. I know how I'll feel. I think he's keeping me 'on hold' in case the OW doesn't come up to scratch. Incredible. He's such a tosser. In a way, I'm glad I've had this period because it's made me realise what he is - a cold, heartless bastard and an incredible actor. His performance in front of our DS tonight is worthy of an oscar.

Have any of you watched that Julia Roberts film "Sleeping with the enemy?"I feel a bit like that - biding my time. (He's not obviously not as crazy as husband in film!!)

I've been rambling - sorry. Hope the 'newbies' are ok tonight and the not so 'newbies' too. You have been my sanity. Thank you xx

Loving this tonight, my dd is upstairs, still not speaking but I'm letting her keep at it until she needs me.
wellwhoknew, Hobbit and Izzie and lots of others, you have helped me through so much shit since I walked into this bar... You all make me laugh and lift my spirits ( ooh pun )
Frizzy and Fairy it seems there are patterns in our shit to deal with. I too didn't eat first week, couldn't keep anything down. Although I cook for dd I'm still living on baked potato and fecking chicken goujons ( feel like Bianca from Eastenders ) and occasionally I can only tolerate weetabix but at least it's something. The frozen banana and milk thing is good too, just for some energy.
tabbie I'm trying it like your way too, when he texts anything legal like ringing police, I just say I'm not discussing this. He seems to be offering more when I'm in contact but it's better using him than him using my dd.
love the koko song and Jess, dear God Hobbit lol brilliant.
Tonight I'm going to bed happier than yesterday so that's good. Did anyone watch Greys Anatomy the other night ? Don't be getting any ideas ladies !!

Oooh, what happened Ali did someone do a Lorena Bobbit?

Ha ha, remember back a few threads, when I said I was going to be known as Hobbit Bobbit? And do the same to my twunt?
Mmmm... Hobbit Bobbit... Has a nice ring to it dosent it?

And Jess is fond of sausages... Although it would only be a mini chipolata

There's a thread in chat at the moment where you put your (real) first name into google followed by "is a" and it comes up with suggestions.

Apparently I am a "mindless beast" and I put Sid in (the nickname) and it said he's a "garbage man"!!