HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

braving just seen your post. 11 is a tricky age. He's probably too embarrassed to be honest to tolerate too much interaction. It's so selfish. Goodness knows what you do about it. I'd probably resort to begging him to 'step up' but that seems to be my default strategy. Probably not the right one. Hopefully someone with more experience of this will come along to the bar.

Considering he's relying on me giving him money and to release him from the mortgage so he can start his new life with this tramp, you'd think he'd be trying harder to keep me on side.

1nogoingback3 So far I've facilitated and encouraged, but I think it's reached the point where he needs to take the lead, I think he probably is embarrassed and uncomfortable as she knows what he's done, it's not like she's a toddler. However, he's the adult and he's the one who left so he needs to step up.

If her misses her hospital appointment then he can get ready, I was planning to be reasonable with the settlement to keep things pleasant for DD, but I'm now more inclined to let my solicitor loose.

braving I don't blame you. You sound really sensible and a great mum. You can only do what you can do - I guess you can lead a horse - or a twunt in our cases to water - but you can't make them drink. I'd hope that my OH would see our DS at least once in the week and catch up with him at weekends but who knows what the reality will be. In my darkest moments I fear he would choose to live with his dad but it would be impractical as he's away so much. I know in the cool light of day that he wouldn't. You are right about the hospital appointment. If he's got the day off it would be inexcusable to not make it.

I did text the ex and spoke to him about it all. Nothing has changed. That was the pattern of many things in the marriage

I did between text and speaking to him get a text during a row saying that I was turning his sons against him. No need to do that, he's done a perfectly good job himself by refusing to lift a finger to help me, and by the way he didn't try to save the marriage.

Braving I asked you that question as I was interested to see if your response would be different. To get an unbiased view.

Wise I've done nothing too. And half watching BGT.

1 you can't blame yourself. People change, harden. Qualities that my ex had years ago have greatly magnified to become faults, eg he was calm, now he is cold.

From what I've seen myself, and from what I've been told, the kids sort of go off them and become meh. They feel some sort of obligation to them, but that's it. So I think they will be ok. As long as the mother can deal with it, explain, or the kids have someone who can understand and explain. I've spoken to my two based on a friend's experience with her sons. Told them this is what happened with them, this is how it is now, and this is how they view their father. So they see it as sort of inevitable. And possibly reassuring that they are not unique

WWK said that children only need one good parent. That's us. I have a lot of experience dealing with teenagers, so I "get" them. The ex doesn't and never has "got" DS2. Who, no coincidence, is much more like me

izzie you are probably right. DS2 has several good friends with distant relations with their fathers following divorce. It's so common these days that they probably see it as more normal than we would imagine. Family is so important to DS2 though - and DS1. My daughter will be upset but fine I hope. Independent, lovely boyfriend and she knows how tricky her dad can be. She probably won't be surprised - we are close.

When we actually write about what these men are doing, it makes no sense at all. What they are losing is the most precious thing in the world- their families. What are they gaining - god knows. It makes no sense.

I have said to dd that while she will always come first she will have to let me go out sometimes, she'll be staying with my mother in law who she's stayed with overnight since being a toddler, so not a change in itself, I'm going to need a social life and don't want to be on my own forever.

fairy glad you have company tonight. You're getting through today, well done you! Thinking of you xx And yeah, they can fuck right off, preferably over a very high cliff. Plenty of volunteers here to assist!

fairy well done you. The day has passed. You made it.

Well, ladies, and Drifting if you're lurking! I'm off to have an early night. I'm tired now after my exhausting floppy day! Catch you all later. KOKO xx

Me too. Exhausting being lazy! Xx

Fairy Lots of storage space :) You should always look for the positives.

I don't really know what my lads think of their father. I know they do not want to see him more than the two hours a week on a Tuesday. Youngest is very hard to read.

Any ideas for a name for him? I love twunt but it is too good to waste on him.

Will think.

To all of you on your own tonight, cheers and sleep well x

Just saw this as I was browsing the Radio Times to see what was on TV - oh yes a " Poldark bundle" - sounds good to me !!

Yes I think that sometimes we just need to catch up on sleep - we have all taken a beating and it catches up every now and again ....

I have a lovely Spaniel to snuggle up to :)

Hi everyone, I actually wish my h would not see dd as much as at the minute it's just mindfuckery.
So despite being stupid earlier texting him, it's kind of gone on all night. I just am refusing to give into his bullshit this time though and repeatedly refusing to txt back the same sort of shit he is. ... All his drama about me ringing police on him... Wtf does he expect ? He'll never get over it ... Seriously like I'll never get over the fact he bullied me for years until I did everything he told me. Just goes to show the job means more when he's more worried about his fucking image. He's had dd out all night and no doubt for sheer badness will come in to 'tuck her in again' .. I was feeling stressed to the point of nearly giving in earlier and moving out like he wants ... Then his texts fucked me off so much I thought nah mate, no chance. Was it you Hobbit who said your 30th anniversary is next month ? Sorry if I'm wrong ( if I scroll back on phone I lose what I've written ) Well it's our 20th and 22 years almost together. I'm going to take myself off that day and use the gift voucher he gave me at Christmas for a day spa. Then hopefully get pissed that night ! Right dd home so better run.

Finished work so going to catch up. A bit of introspection first though.

Izzie/Wise, I too am quite an insular person, I like my own company (mostly) and hate being in large groups. I'm best in 1:1 situations or small groups. I find people fascinating but hate being the centre of attention. I really don't see anything 'wrong' with that but what I've noticed is my mental health goes down between Weds - Sat because the only contact I have with the outside world is either in Tesco's or with the postman! I speak loads on the phone to people (great!) but I get what you say that is a challenge to force yourself out, but by doing so, you'll find new interests and interesting people. I'm glad I did right from the beginning because it helps me now structure my week: it's trying to find the equilibrium between 'hermiting' (which is what I'm inclined to do!) and finding arenas I'm comfortable in, for example joining a quiz team/board games group. I'm desperate to move because I want away from the daily reminders of my married life and to have more access to 'things to do on an evening'. And why I fought so hard against letting him dictate my future (not living in this country). Right now, I need familiar.

I was learning the local language but the course has stopped now. I loved it. However, my family/ex-husband just mocked it. Even when I won an award for my writing in a (to me) foreign language. I notice they do/did that a lot, so I feel really sensitive to others' perceptions of my choices. I'm working on that. Why should I care? I've had over half my life being the victim of 'jokes', which are in actual fact, just put-downs. I'm quite angry about that now I know it's NOT my sense of humour that's wrong. Nor is there anything pernicious in my choices of activities.

My humour is just fine. I know I can be tactless and insensitive at times, but I also know that when I've misread a situation, I can apologise for it. But, it's a real battle emotionally to do things I enjoy because I've spent way too many years feeling guilty for enjoying anything!

I also know that I'm inclined to do 'extreme' things. I like to push myself - to see where my limits are. I remember just before MrSW persuaded me to give up my career, my work was commended in parliament (yep) and thinking: I will never get this success again, nor is there a job in the world that's going to be this tough but this rewarding. And I found that thought depressing. I actually hated that award because muggins here just got a whole load of extra work and attention. I just wanted to do the bloody job not do the whole backslapping shenanigans.

And yet at the same time, I was attempting to do a woman's first. I didn't achieve it that time, nor the next time. But I am still a woman who has completed a 'first'. And you know what he said: IF women want equal rights, then we shouldn't brag about being the first women to...

IF we want equal rights? We got them. It's about time we exercised them. He loved me because I was a maverick, he divorced me because I was a maverick. Go figure.

So my current battle, I worked out today, is the fact I no longer have a long term goal. The divorce, the fight of it all, gave me a purpose. Now that's over there's a void. It's just trying to 'survive' that's so demoralising. "Just" getting a job so I can pay the bills, but not having any significant meaning or purpose to my life, is really hard. That is my battle at the moment - finding a raison d'etre now that my whole life got robbed. And finding a raison d'etre that pays the bloody bills!

And so, I suppose, I wrote this to say - divorce is not just the hell of the process, but following that, trying to find your equilibrium again. As unknown and terrifying divorce is, the only way out is self-esteem. Knowing who you are and what you want, and knowing its okay to actually enjoy your choices. That means working out who you are, what you like, and not relying on the habits of the past (because they have way too much influence over that) and the only way you're going to do that is to try and do things that previously you wouldn't even consider. And do things that others might mock and give them same others a two fingered salute. It's all just 'chicken and egg' really.

God your amazing totally fab

wellWhoKnew, very wise words and you are certainly an incredible woman from what I see. I wish I'd had your confidence in my marriage or now. I'm a very quiet and shy introverted person who like yourself doesn't like large groups of people. I panic with people. I've never done anything remotely interesting in my life as I've always sat back and let him do that. I'm not sure if I'd have the confidence to go looking for a new career.
On a personal level, it's hard to know how to start living a proper life again. I find myself staring at couples in shops now wishing that was me. My h on more than one occasion said that the thoughts of marriage failure and having to start over again filled him full of dread and he couldn't be bothered. I guess that was just one more lie. But when do we heal and move on ? And the thoughts of another man ( unless it was a Hugh Jackman lookalike) well I just don't think I could be arsed. But also don't want to be alone.
Well that's me shattered, another day I've survived ... Off to land of no shitty men .. Night all

ali almost my 20th and 22 years together too, God it's so hard, really struggling, he only left Tuesday, am in shock still I think, dreading already my anniversary, what the fuck can you possibly do to blank that out, i was hoping to be stronger by then that's just going to cripple me, my birthdays a few days before, not so fussed about that, might just hibernate xx

I'm not looking forward to birthdays, anniversaries and other special days, this next year will be the worst I suppose.

My birthday falls in a half term holiday, we're usually away as a family, so I'll arrange a special day out with DD, I don't think we'll be able to afford to go away but maybe overnight somewhere.

DD will be with me on her birthday and Christmas this year, that's not up for debate, he'll have to come here to see her or join in with what we're doing.

The anniversaries during the first year are hard. For me even things like a year to the day the met OW and a year to the day he first slept with her. Yes he told me all the details to rub it in I suppose. But after that its easier. The second year you don't think about it so much. But I still hate special days like Easter when I see other families enjoying themselves that's not so much to do with the anniversaries but more to do with everything being different now on those special days. I'm not going to quite make it to twenty years unless something gets delayed with the FH and it makes me feel like a failure for not quite making it to that milestone. Doesn't make any sense really as it was him that broke the marriage with his affair not me.