HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

Housebloodywork?? I was vacuuming when Twunt texted me to say he wasn't coming back. The marriage was over. He'd moved out for the second time a week earlier, then spent the week calling and texting to say we could work it out and he really wanted to.

I was so conflicted. He told me he was packing up his flat, coming over and we'd go out and buy new wedding rings as a symbol of our commitment. While I waited I was vacuuming and thinking "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." & " The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour" & " This just isn't going to work, you're going to get hurt all over again".

So when that text came it was a relief, in some ways. But painful too, as I really, really wanted to believe we could live happily ever after.

Anyway, I didn't pick up the vacuum again until 2 days ago. I kept thinking about it but never got round to it.

Nobody died.

Spreadsheet Bob ? Is that like Sideshow Bob from the Simpsons ?
We are obsessed with that show in our house, has *bobsy got the same hair? simpsons.wikia.com/wiki/Category:Images_-_Sideshow_Bob?file=Bob_prison.jpg

Sideshow Bob? Oh, thought that was Poodick's barnet

Izzie and Hibbit lol ummm have to think about signage... Probably something rude to hang on back door when Dhead comes in ... "When pigs fly " .. Re his job and me moving out haha !
Seriously I know bout about what these threads involve but if someone put it in 'idiots guide form', I will take a turn eventually... Bit like my first after school job at 16 in Primark, before days of barcodes when they asked me to do till and I told them it was a bad idea, in fact I warned them not to do it ... But, they did it and of course regretted it... Think I keyed in stuff that showed them about a million quid out lol.... But at least I never had to do till again ! Right walk for the spud picker

Roz the last day with him, when he had fucked off and I didn't know where he was, I finally texted him. And eventually asked was he having an affair. I was painting at the time. I remember thinking that I ought not to do any trcky bits of painting because i could get an answer at any time, and didn't know how I would react. Three hours later I got the reply. He wasn't having an affair.......but was moving in with her. I have painted a lot since, but I still have to ram those brushes sideways up his arse. Eat your heart out BGT!!

Ali your sign. Maybe something like "dream on" or " in your dreams"

Next last catalogue I think, had a picture with the words "you can go your own way". Which always made me think of the Fleetwood Mac song. And the phrase "fuck off". I was sorely tempted to buy it. Then I decided, nah, fuck off, you ain't having your space in my home. So I didn't. But I still sometimes wish I had got it. I'm also tempted to get one of those "family" type of pics. And fill it up with photos of me< maybe> and the kids. Which would prove a fucking HUGE point to him. Not least because I don't have one single phot up anywhere in my house. Of anyone. I've held back because I don't know how my sons would feel.

So while you think I'm away you take the piss??!!! Having a quick skim over on here while waiting for nail varnish effort 2 to dry (effort 1 being wrecked after blowing up balloons). I'm really not used to this going out malarkey and all it entails - fake tan, loads of slap etc. So out of practice

Yes spreadsheet bobs will do part 8 if no-one else wants to do it. You do all know I'm really crap at typing really? Takes ages to compose one post and make loads of typos till I reread (even worse when I do it on my phone!)

Sideshow Bob? My first thought was you cheeky caaaaaaaaah! Then I thought, hmmm perhaps on a bad hair day...possibly Stbx used to criticize my hair - said I should go Sinaed O'Connor - tosser! We did Simpsons ad infinitum a couple of years ago, then moved onto Friends.

As for girding my loins - yeah, probably have seized up - years ago However i live in hope...one day...thinking of all the young men I'll be seeing tonight but couldn't do that to DDs

Being very flippant tonight. Have probably had about 2 other nights like this in the past year! Will read all other posts tomorrow - hangover permitting

He was doing his own kind of 'hoovering ' with you as the dust, Roz my love, wasn't he? Well done for recognising the truth behind his deceit and manipulation.

I 'erased' all evidence of my ex from our home about 2 months in, there are only pictures of my sons and myself, and Jess< obviously>

My sons have never commented on it, they are not concerned, I think they realised it was better for my peace of mind, not to have constant reminders of the person who had caused me so much pain.

Obviously, the pictures are still there, just not on view, put away for now, for them to keep for the future.

All he has taken from the family home are his clothes, his laptop and iPod, he hasn't taken any photos of the kids or personal mementoes, that just says it all really dosent it? What a twat,

Ha ha can just visualise you out tonight Bobsy my love, acting like a right prevert. Oooohhh... Young maaannnn.....

Have a good one with your lovely girls, don't do anything I wouldn't do !
That dosent include getting arrested by the way, I didn't mean it officer

And make sure nobody mistakes you for a Kronenburg!
16 from the back, 64 from the front!

She's going for it, our bobs, all the fake tan and nail varnish. Good for you, girl!

My ex took the same, all the computer, iPad, phone type stuff, his clothes. Since then has taken some paperwork, vetoed by me, and some high value item tools. The biggest tool being himself of course. Anything else he took was as a result of me coming across his things and slinging them into carrier bags. Oh wait, he likes a particular type of cereal, one that's not easy to get hold of. He took that too. Sad bastard. And he looked through the kitchen cabinets to see if there was anything in there, food I mean, that only he are, cos "no point in it going to waste". Wtf! Maybe that helped him justify spending out on a top of the range fixed PC for working round there.

I'm laughing at the fucking ridiculous scenario of him picking up the odd bits of food. And then I think what a prize tosser he is. Totally barking.

kronenburg. Not heard that before haha

Evening all. He's gone -til tomorrow - but I guess it's a start

Well done on purchasing something izzie and hopefully getting it to work My shopping trip aimless but got me out of house.

Have a lovely evening bobs

Can I ask, how often would you expect your ex to contact your DCs?

DD saw H on Wednesday and hasn't heard from him since, contact seems to be getting less and less frequent, and he hasn't made any plans with her, just said he'd call her.

He's supposed to be coming with us next week to DDs hospital appointment, it's been in his diary for weeks and he's told me he's not working that day, but when I reminded him on Wednesday he wasn't sure he could make it - I will be very annoyed if he doesn't come, it'll prove to me and dd that she's definitely not going to be coming first in the future.

fairy I have just realised that my post was insensitive. So sorry
My separation has been so long winded that the only way I can deal with it is to joke about it. Hope you are ok this evening? flowers]

Contact, it was I think twice a week maybe. Actually seeing them:

Left end October
Saw DS2 mid Nov for an hour or so on his birthday
Met DS1 for luch sometime
Came over Boxing Day to see them
March saw football match with them
Took DS1 out twice on a driving lesson for manual test

Other than that, he may or may not have come across them when he's been here. Which hasn't been often.

Fucking cunt.

Got my 30th wedding anniversary next weekend. I can feel myself dreading it.

Isn't 30 years what is meant by life in prison?

It's about what he's done. Not about what I'm missing. How could he do this to his sons? Never mind me, I'm an adult. But how can you abandon your own sons? Wtf must it feel like to these offspring? I hope they rot in hell for what they have done to them, for treating them in the same way as the ex wife. You may fall out of love with your wife, but not your own children. Urgh

Izzie That's shocking.

My thought was that he should be seeing her face to face at least once a week and should be phoning her at least every few days. He's in danger of not having a relationship with her at all at this rate, she's certainly not going to pursue him for one, I asked her earlier if she wanted to phone him and she's not bothered.

We'll never be able to have a regular pattern of contact as he's a shift worker, and my impression is that the bitch has her claws in deep and she'll want him at her beck and call, and her dc to come first even, bastards the lot of them.

I'm half watching Calamity Jane. Got to the soppy ending.the song choked me up. Why can't life be like that? All I wanted was to be loved. It's not a lot to ask, is it? I only put it on to try out the DVD player. Just left it running. So far I haven't been able to watch any film that involves a love story.

I just had a few tears, choked at writing that. DS1 had a little chat with me, face me some encouragement and advice. The longer this has gone on, the more he is able to express and deal with emotions. He doesn't avoid any issues in that way. I'm so proud of him, and so pleased about it. I used to worry that he was too much like his father, tried to avoid all the emotional stuff. Not now. Every cloud.

Braving they are aged 19 and 22. Does that change your opinion?

So many posts to catch up on....has taken me ages .....haven't done anything much at all today - just couldn't be arsed! Watched a movie on Netflix with the cat who didn't seem very interested....had a "sofa nap" then managed to walk into town to pick up a prescription and have a bit of fresh air. Shite TV tonight - Oh I loved a Sunday with Indian Summers and Poldark and Mr Selfridge - what am I going to do after tomorrow? The rain is RATTLING Down here now - so glad that I am at home despite the crappy TV - may be forced to watch Britain's Got Talent..

Love the Jessage - her face is so funny

Yes why do these men think it is OK to go from being an everyday contact Dad ( even if they don't live with you) to being an occasional one? They are the LOSERS!! But yes it is all so sad for the kids..................

I suppose it's a bit different when they're older, but he should still be making more effort to keep in touch, surely he'd want to lay eyes on them at least every couple of weeks, they need different parenting at that age but they still need parenting.

DD is only 11, and he suddenly moved out one weekend, without any warning, he was around a lot the first week or two and then it's drifted off and this is when he's supposedly living on his own, what's it going to be like when he moves in with her and her dc.

izzie your boys sound lovely and mature. I'm worried about mine. HRT is the archetypal 'entitled one'. If I pass on something to him that our 2 at uni might have said about their lives/friends etc, he always replies, well they never text me. When I say that they don't tend to test me, I text and ring them because I'm the parent, he looks genuinely confused. Mine was great fun with them when they were young but, I don't know, something's happened since. My dear dad would walk to the end of the world for me. Would he, for them, I'm not so sure. Why did I 'pick' so badly

I've accepted my future without him but an worried about theirs.

brave spring I think your DD is younger than mine. I totally get your concern. What can be done about it I'm not so sure. Maybe it's their coping strategy. Who knows. It's sad though.

She's emailed him, hopefully he'll reply, no idea why he's ignoring my messages, but whatever, if he ignores hers though that's another matter.

It seems like he communicates fine most of the time and then we have a few days where he ignores messages and goes silent. Twat.