HOBBIT'S BAR - still finding it hard to move on...part 6.

[WellWhoKnew]

If you are struggling to come to terms with the ending of your marriage, no matter how that came about, nor how long it's been, this is the place where you come to say SHIT THIS IS HARD, when you hit those times of despair.

It is the place where it is never rude to interrupt if you're having a bad day and need to vent. No matter what.

It is a place where no one will tell you to 'move on', 'get over it', or 'at least you've got...'

I've also learnt there's actually a helluva lot of studies into 'delayed shock', which occurs around about months 4 - 6 after the trauma. So if you're surrounded by people (or indeed yourself!) expecting you to be 'getting over it by now', and you're feeling worse than ever...then this is why this thread began. You're pretty normal - it's just the 'real world' ain't dealing with this shit.

And if you're one of those for whom the profound shock has just registered on the Richter scale: it's horrendous. You too belong here.

It is the place where the only thing anyone will tell you to do is keep on keeping on (KOKO) and when you feel you can't: that's okay too. Try again tomorrow.

Amongst the shit, there are always giggles. But the only rule is: It is ALWAYS okay to say SHIT THIS IS HARD and interrupt the giggles. No apology necessary.

The bar, owned by Hobbit, but run by committee, is open to all as we wind our way through divorce, come to terms with our individual circumstances, or just cope with adjusting to a new life.

As for some glossary terms:

Jess is our dog, also owned by Hobbit, but here by popular demand. She perseveres with us all needing a daily dosage of her. Hobbit being the fabulous woman she is makes sure we are taken care of.

Izzitinis are a revolting drink. Izzie is gorgeous and inspirational but misguided in the world of bar cocktails.

No. 6's is what we are/were married to. Check out an earlier thread for what we actually call them.

My name is WellWhoKnew. I am divorced. He left me just shy of 12 months ago. He planned it, I was blindsided. Throughout my horrendous divorce, I learnt that our individual situations are always different, our feelings are the pretty much the same - although not necessarily the same at any given moment in time. THIS SHIT IS HARD with moments of light relief.

And our feelings are valid. Equally.

Our values, our opinions, ourselves matter. As well. No matter what they say.

I am trying to rebuild my life. I'm leaving the deadwood behind. I'm learning to laugh again. One day, I will 'move on', 'get over it' and be thankful that I've got what I've got. Until then I KOKO.

The previous thread is this one:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2352545-HOBBITS-BAR-still-finding-it-hard-to-move-on-part-5?msgid=53939716

If you wish to follow from the start, then click on the link above and find all previous links there.

And when times get hard, or you need some motivation, then this song sums it up.

Just cause she's got a face like a grieving cod in most of the photos, dosent mean she's unhappy, it's difficult to get a dog to smile,

I, on the other hand, am always being told I've got a face like a slapped arse!

How rude! That's just my general, resting face,
< or cheer up, it might not happen, I get that a lot as well>

You certainly are the genie.

I would just like to thank the genius who came up with the name Hobbit's Bar, who named Sid, who suggested a mascot, whose drink is served in the bar, who coined the phrase Jessage.....

Oh yeah, that was me

I thought you had invented a new name for all of us. I thought I was izzbobbam. But It appears you too have a job as wot Mother has, forgot the name. Would you like to be Hobbobbam? As it's Saturday Shmousework and .....well why not?

Have you been drinking Izzie ?
Knocking back the Izzietinis? Ha ha,

What did I say about blowing your own trumpet, lady,

I luffs ya! Will do housework schmousework when I get back, x

or cheer up, it might not happen, I get that a lot as well

At that point I really do develop a face like a slapped arse

Our Jess is a dog with attitude. I love her. Wouldn't have her any other way.

How about;
The Hobbitbitches
The Hobbit massive
The Hobbit collective
Team Hobbit
Hobbit crew
The Hobbitharpies

The family Hobbit, getting ideas above my station now, ain't i?

I'm fed up with "Are you alright" and "How's it going" (with a head tilt) there's no good answer is there.

I tend to just say I'm OK, or I'm getting there, only close friends get an honest answer.

I like procrastinating. As long as it's done daily, it's fine. It's when you don't procrastinate that the shit hits the fan........

Right, off to find something to buy when collecting DS2 xx

Yeah, you can't really say, 'actually , I'm fucking shit! How are you?'
Can ya?

Ahem, well maybe I do, actually, but that's just me,

The family Hobbit, getting ideas above my station now, ain't i?

Tis ok, I've blown a big hole in the bar so we can both get through

Hobbit I found the blunter posts that I had were more helpful to me in facing up to everything. I had a happy marriage with a man I thought was lovely, kind and decent and it took me a long time to accept that the reality was somewhat different.

But constantly having it reinforced to me that this lovely, kind, decent man was a womaniser and a liar and an arrogant, entitled one with it and always had been made me realise that even though he does have good points lovely, kind, decent men to not do what he has.

He could say he was sorry as much as he liked and didn't mean to hurt me but that is what he chose to do. He didn't care enough about me or our children to even do something as basic enough as to be honest or faithful. Having a series of cheap sexual thrills was more important to him than not hurting me and our children and ultimately tearing our life apart.

I could have chosen to stay with him and endured a life where I was anxious every time he wasn't in the house, where I would doubt everything he said to me. To continue to live with a man who would put exciting sex above the happiness and stability of his children.

Why would I want to continue to be married to a man like that. I don't want to live like that because I would never get peace of mind and because I expect my husband to love and value me. If he truly loved me and the children he wouldn't have done what he did. Would I do to my husband what he has done to me? No, so why would I want to be with someone who would do it to me.

I was happy Exactly, I thought mine was honest and decent and would never do what he's done, everything was fine until some tramp flashed her knickers at him. Now he's shown his true colours I'm well rid of him.

He cried, apologised, said he never wanted to hurt us, but no one forced him to do anything.

It'll be really hard to trust anyone else, but at least I can trust myself and I'm still the same person I was and I've set my daughter a good example.

**Yeah, you can't really say, 'actually , I'm fucking shit! How are you?'
Can ya?

hobbit you so make me laugh out loud. You ladies have inspired me to partake of some retail therapy too. Hopefully he'll be gone out by the time I'm home.

Retail therapy is a good idea, I'm thinking of buying new house phones, not very sexy but it will be good to have a phone upstairs that actually works.

Well, ladies I've done my bit of retail therapy for the day. Got a little DVD player for the kitchen and in a few minutes I will connect it to the TV. Usually I would leave that sort of thing to him, but now it's down to me. The more I do, the more confident I become. AND yesterday, courtesy of the builder, I now know where the external stopcock is and what to do. The next time I take a walk down a street, I will be looking at the pavements with new eyes.

It's a good felling when you can do things yourself. Ok the first time, everything is new, so it's a learning process. But the next time, it's a lot easier and quicker.

Tomorrow I'm going to get the Izmobile washed. It doesn't look too shiny now, and I'm not sure the bird crap is a welcome addition. And while it's being washed, I shall do a bit more retail therapy. Cos I like to make best use of my time!

I'm feeling a lot better for having done absolutely nothing today. I feel I've finally given my body what it's needed for so long. I have felt constantly tired for so long now, it's become the norm. As soon as I sit down, even on a kitchen chair, there's a danger of me falling asleep. It's not normal, is it? So, I'm letting things slide again. And then when I feel better, I can whizz around, as it like to. But at present, I feel not an ounce of frustration at being a lazy caahh

Hobbit, Izzie and anyone else I forgot I honestly would be lost without you lot ! I'm still in my pjs with tears rolling down my face but in a good way because it's getting the bad stuff out. After I posted earlier he did text back, but a barrel of abuse and thankfully that reminded me why I had stopped texting ... Apparently he's hurt by things like me phoning the police when he threatened me ( hurt because he is police and his boss found out ) and hurt that I told my solicitor who relayed to his that showing DD legal correspondence was normal. So I'm back on track for hating the bastard... I know I'll probably have more melt downs but at least you guys are there to tell me it's normal. I'm a very soft person, who took so much crap that I'm more or less a hermit too. After my brain tumour op I have issues, one of which is facial palsy which is worse when I'm tired. I'm hoping to ask to be put on list for eye job to try and help me gain more confidence. ( I'm paranoid about the eye ) The lopsided smile can't be fixed and for so long I just covered my mouth when I smiled. Why am I telling you guys this ? Well I guess I also think dhead did nothing to help me regain confidence.
Hibbit you are like my Mum... She calls it as she sees it and says that if he talks to me the way he does then the sooner I get the divorce papers in the better. My parents just think and say ... He's clearly a cunt who lost his meal ticket and is trying to turn DD against me to get her on side to help push me out of the home. DD is currently getting all dolled up to go out with him... I'm just here for the washing, cleaning, taxi service etc. But it's damned hard not to tell her exactly what a fucker her father really is. Funny the texts he showed her were only ones from me about her horse and selling it.
Izzie, you are a hoot and you all make me feel more normal. Welsh miner lol, I'm just an Irish spud picker ! Oh oh, I also went in and took dhead off electricity acc and found out that way he had been in the house as the stupid fucker submitted a meter reading. I'm trying to cut off his control so that any money he pays he has pay to me... That pisses him off more and hopefully will get me back on track to meh ... Which incidentally is my DD go to word so is rather apt.
Sorry I'm not so helpful to others today, but maybe tomorrow

Aww Hobbit thanks so much I showed it to her and she said it's so cute.

Good Izzie, thank Christ you're finally listening to inner lazy caahhhh. ...
< or is it just me> and you're chilling and retail therapying,
(Is that an actual word? Well it is now)
This is for you and the amazing girl that is Fairy and lovely Ali

Jeez, damned auto correct ... Hibbit ? Lol Hobbit and obvs my sol told his it wasn't normal to sow a child legal papers )
Going for my walk now to de stress. Thanks again everyone for support. I might even force a glass of wine down my neck later seeing DD is leaving shortly. Does anyone know if you can add video link ? Just a stupid one of my cat that looks like he's conducting an orchestra lol Yep, crazy cat lady already

D'oh!!! Missed Ali off the sign,
Soz, honey, I'll do one just for you tomorrow, what would you like it to say? X

S'ok Ali I've been called worse!

I'm happy she liked it Bobsy have a good one tonight, why are you girding your loins? Surely it's healed up by now from lack of use!
Ha! Got ya back !

Love it!!

As you're having a re run tomorrow, could you also do a generic one without the names on please? Cos I might just print it and hang it in the kitchen.

I'm still lazy caahhing. So much so that DS2 is getting frustrated because I'm refusing to help him do any of the tidying. Result

Actually I have been a bit sneakily doing a bit for the next thread. We are a quarter of the way through this thread already. At this rate, we will need a new one by next week! Oh stressballs! All those links and shit to do.

I'm resigning after thread 7, don't say you haven't been warned. I'm nominating Spreadsheet bobs. Unless Hobs wants to take it up again in between Jessage duties?

I'm a very organised person at heart, ain't I?

Ali you are getting your shit out on here, you're moving in the right direction. Don't feel obliged to post advice to others. Do it IF and WHEN you feel like it. It's enough for us that you are getting somewhere, and that we have been able to help. We've all had help ourselves, there are always plenty on here at any one time giving help, balanced by those needing help.