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Original poster

Emotionally still attached

53 replies

Cant816 · 22/04/2015 22:19

My partner and I have been together for 16 months, he still pays the mortgage and bills in the house his wife lives in, they aren't divorced yet and she doesn't work, is this normal?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/04/2015 22:22

it's normal for them obviously

I wouldn't be a third wheel in someone else's marriage for anybody though

ALaughAMinute · 22/04/2015 22:27

What are his plans? Is he going to get divorced?

Original poster
Cant816 · 22/04/2015 22:54

They are in the process of trying to sort out the finances it may well go to court as they can't agree on a settlement, I just can't get my head around him still paying for everything 16 months on, he says he has to do the right thing and doesn't want to risk upsetting his grown up kids!

OP posts:
theendoftheendoftheend · 22/04/2015 22:55

How long have they been separated?

Sunshineandapring2015 · 22/04/2015 23:05

Does this have an effect on your finances as a couple? I guess it must do unless he is very rich. If it does, can you instigate a conversation about how it has an effect and what steps you can both take to make things better including a plan on when he is contemplating reducing this maintenance, I think that's reasonable

AnyFucker · 23/04/2015 06:33

I assumed his kids would still be young and dependent, not grown up, so this is not even a nod to supporting kids ?

He is effectively bankrolling his ex then ?

If his name is on a mortgage I can understand him still paying so his ex doesn't default but I would be pushing a sale ASAP

has he got a court order to pay support to his wife ?

I imagine his ex will have feet of clay right now and this is goign to cause no end of trouble between you

Is he really worth this after only 16 months ?

Jackw · 23/04/2015 06:50

If it was a very long marriage and she gave up any hope of a well paid career to bring up their children then it would be hard for her to be forced out of the home where she brought up the family because he wants sex with a younger woman. I know legally, he can do it, but perhaps he's just behaving well and/or feeling guilty. I suppose she'll be forced out eventually, poor woman. I doubt this was how she envisioned her future when she was bringing up those children.

AnyFucker · 23/04/2015 06:53

just out of interest, was there a crossover between him still living in the family home and starting a relationship with you ?

Lovingfreedom · 23/04/2015 07:38

The title of your thread is 'emotionally still attached' but the content is about finances. Are you also concerned about emotional attachment between your partner and his ex? Tbh I would leave them to it on the ££ side. Does it really involve you?

Original poster
Cant816 · 23/04/2015 08:53

I've titled it still emotionally attached as I feel he is and that's why he still pays for everything 16 months on! He feels very guilty!

There was a 3 week crossover period

It doesn't affect us financially, for me it's the principle, surely that money should be going towards our future?

She hasn't made any attempt to find a job to support herself either which I find odd why would you want a man who has left you for another woman to still support you?

OP posts:
Pollyswall · 23/04/2015 09:03

So how long were they together before he left her for you?

Perhaps she's struggling to cope.

confusedoflondon · 23/04/2015 09:09

He should feel guilty.

gildedcage · 23/04/2015 09:12

Yes he should feel very guilty. Frankly you don't show yourself in a very good light.

I think he deserves everything he gets!!

Joysmum · 23/04/2015 09:17

There's a big difference between him wanting to indefinitely do this and doing it till a settlement is finalised.

How much is he doing to finalise a settlent asap.

Original poster
Cant816 · 23/04/2015 09:22

Should he feel guilty for falling out of love?

It takes 2 to make a marriage work surely?

OP posts:
SillyPops · 23/04/2015 09:22

This sounds exactly like my mum and dad. My dad is still paying 4 years on.... Hmm

My mum find working too stressfulHmm and can't afford a solicitor so is refusing divorce even though she's the one who ended the marriage Hmm

Tell your partner that me and my brothers (who are all but grown up- youngest 19) would MUCH prefer if he stopped giving in to her silly demands.

I love my mum, but she needs to grow up and enter the real world!!

Jackw · 23/04/2015 09:28

So you've broken her heart and now you want to turf her out of her home. What sort of job do you envisage her doing? It's not going to pay the mortgage is it? Have some compassion.

Original poster
Cant816 · 23/04/2015 09:33

Goodness me 4 years is a long time I hope mine doesn't go on that long!

His kids are 20 and 22 the eldest daughter wants her mum to move on but for whatever reason she is unable to, sad really :(

All I want is an amicable split, fair for everyone surely

OP posts:
NickiFury · 23/04/2015 09:40

Three weeks? So he left a long marriage of many years standing for you after only three weeks? Is that right?

wannaBe · 23/04/2015 09:48

ah now see the downside to being the other woman is that you are the cause of the marriage breakdown and as such you can't start making demands as to how the wife should respond.

I imagine that if he has left a 22 plus year marriage for some other woman he'd only been shagging for three weeks he is very likely still emotionally attached to the life he left behind and does feel responsibility for his ex.

Perhaps the marriage was in a bad way, I am not going to judge that, and perhaps his leaving the marriage was the best thing all round. However given the choice to leave the marriage was his he is the one who gets to decide how that happens. And given he left the marriage for you I don't imagine the ex is feeling that amicable atm and why should she?

fairylightsbackintheloft · 23/04/2015 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBe · 23/04/2015 09:50

also, I imagine that now you've been together some time the honeymoon period is starting to wear off and he perhaps wonders about the wisdom of throwing it all away for a three week shag.

NickiFury · 23/04/2015 09:57

I'm not sure I believe this. There's something very needling about the way you're posting, as though you're wanting to get all the mummies on MN into a flurry.

If it is true though, you're a real dick.

confusedoflondon · 23/04/2015 09:58

He has every right to extricate himself from an unhappy marriage and she has every right to get what she is owed from this marriage. Deal with it.

Only1scoop · 23/04/2015 10:00

If I was his wife Id be staying put as long as possible.

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