Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships - thread 31

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books:

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites:

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Hello all. It's been a while, life moved on and I've been thinking of you, especially with the bank holiday approaching. Do you still have the Thank God it's Monday tshirts lol....

I posted under a different name a couple of years or so ago - one of M&S sweets - and have reason to post if anyone can spare time to listen...l

Ok...so last time I posted something good had happened, new DP and a BFP, was over the moon. DP is still on the scene, and very supportive. The BFP later became a MMC and it's been an upsetting time.

I haven't heard from ex FW for YEARS. So naturally while I'm dealing with what I'm dealing with, I of course get an email from him, from a new address - of course he was blocked on his old address - saying he'd heard what had happened, that things weren't very good with him either. That was it. I haven't replied. This happened late last night so assume drunk.

It's really irked me. I feel guilty for that. I also feel guilty that I haven't replied. He really hurt me. It's right to ignore, I can't be amicable, it wasn't that kind of relationship.

I don't know what I'd do in that situation fi. At the moment he goes happily to his dad's, but I watching like a hawk. Hope you are doing ok, have you had any time to yourself to just chill out recently?

romy, I know what your old name was and I'm so so sorry to hear about your MMC. That's so sad.
But now is exactly the time to stay away from your ex. He's not thinking about you, he's only thinking about himself. If he was thinking about you, even though things aren't good for him right now he'd think 'now's not a good time for romy either, best I leave her be for now'.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. You have no reason to reply. Focus on you and your DP right now. That's what you need to do. But I know it can be rattling. Post here if you need to though.
for you, lovely.

Hello romy, sorry about your very sad news. Just when everything is going well! Don't let him wheedle his way back into your head. They seem to have sensors!

Thankyou ladies, especially for remembering me.

The lesson here is: you are never out of the woods. There was NO reason for that.

I don't have any inclination to get in touch, and besides what would I say, 'thanks means a lot, sorry things aren't well'. No, it would send the message that the emotional, financial, sexual abuse and threats of violence I was subjected too were ok. Just not sure where they get off rearing up out of the blue. Oh hang on, I do. In FW world, only FW matters and me being vulnerable is his preferred state. I presume he's still with ow but don't care, and nor will he. It is weird, I know the thing that he's going through (ill parent) and he knows that and the empath in me feels bad that somewhere out there he is in pain but equally he was nowhere to be seen when I was in pain, infact he put me there.

A FW never changes.

Unfortunately, too true romy. And I think you have it right when you say he prefers you vulnerable. I think just ignoring the message (and maybe deleting it) is the only course of action.

Yeah it's long gone...

I will never understand FW motivations ever! I really would have thought my having carried another mans baby would really have been the final nail. Although our explosive parting I assumed would guarantee silence...

Partly why I'm posting is a cautionary tale...always expect the unexpected when it comes to fw's. There is no expiration date.

Hope peoples bank hols have been quiet. Thank god it's Tuesday tomorrow for you

Quick update from me. Having been a gibbering wreck over the prospect of being homeless at the end of the month I have found somewhere to live (for the short term as landlord selling at the end of the year). It does feel as though I've reached the top of the hill and am coming down the other side towards freedom. Now all that's needed is the paperwork for the new place/old place and then we're all go for moving day.

We havn't told DC yet (who is 4) and I'm currently mulling that bit over in my head. Any advice for how to approach it? FW obviously wants to be involved aswell.

He seems in a remarkably good mood at the moment. Probably because he knows he's screwed me over with the money. But that's him all over.

Sorry to hear about your MMC romy. I would ignore too. FW can almost smell vulnerability, I'm convinced of that.

So pleased to hear you have a temporary place to stay, nini. As far as telling DC goes, don't expect her to get it at all! Focus on practicals - where she will be living, with whom, when she will see Daddy. How Mummy and Daddy both still love her and always will. And then move on to something nice - park or puzzle or pack a box with you!

When I told my four, the first two burst into tears, which started the third off, but DC4 who was 3 looked around with a smile and joked, "why's everybody crying?" Mummy was still there and she was going try live with Mummy... She couldn't see a problem!

FW otoh might want her upset, hence moving on quickly to something she can enjoy.

Nearly there now!

Thanks Charlotte. I can almost taste the freedom!

Shouldn't you change your username to Princess Charlotte by the way?

That's fantastic news Nini! Just some breathing space for the short term is what you need. Brilliant, so relieved you have something.
Has FW actually screwed you over with the money, or does he just think he has? Either way, small price for freedom. But still do what you can to make sure you get what's rightfully yours, if you can. I walked away feeling a bit screwed over but because it meant my freedom without months of wrangling. There's something to be said for that.

I would tell DD only a minimum amount, as Charlotte says he may well use the opportunity for manipulation. You'll know yourself how much she'll understand at her age, but something basic like Charlotte says. You can always fill in more of the gaps if you think it's needed another time, she might have questions that pop up randomly as they occur to her. Have you let her nursery know?

He has screwed me pony but like you say, small price to pay for freedom! I'll be ok.

I havnt told nursery yet but will do so they can keep an eye on DD. I really dont know how she's going to react. Simple sounds like the right move, no doubt she'll have loads of questions. Think this weekend might be the time.

oh this is good to hear nini - for broaching it, perhaps choosing a something special for the new home for her to feel involved and a tiny bit of control in it? I can't see a role for FW in you moving with this because he's unlikely to be supportive merely enjoying any upsets

Shes keen to choose her new bed Fi so I think I can help with that. Hope you're ok?

That's a lovely idea, Nini - I got DS1 some fab Super Mario wall decals for his room when we moved to the flat, he loved them and we put them up together so he got to decide where they should go. Only about a tenner on Ebay.

Another thought re DD - don't tell her in the evening, ie not long till bedtime. She might dwell on it overnight. Maybe in the morning, then off to the park or the supermarket or something. Then by bedtime it will have settled in her head a bit.

Can you tell FW when the two of you will tell her? If you don't, he will try and control/manipulate that as well.

Brilliant to hear and read so Brilliant to hear and read so much support on here; these transition periods are so tricky and raw, this support is like gold dust. Sending all my love and hugs to everyone grappling with this.

Just want to add to the mix that one of the websites listed at the beginning of this was really useful for me. I think I need to understand “why” before I can get my head round things, and the Out of the Fog site is properly fantastic.

Turns out my DP has what can be breathtaking narcissistic qualities, and it helped LOADS to read what the site says about this: when he spoke or behaved in a particular way, it left me so gobsmacked I was rendered utterly incapable of forming a sensible response and immediately either backed down, withdrew or was silenced – none of which count as a useful, productive or appropriate response. ;)

Reading how a narcissistic mind works was like a light coming on. Lots of “doh!!” moments…NONE of the behaviours are justifiable or in any way ok – in fact the site states with some regret that unless you’re in for the long term, this state of mind is one of the least sortable and it may well be best to leave regardless – but it helped to get inside his head and understand whytf he was being such a monumental dick. He wasn;t trying to control me; he was genuinely confounded by the world when it did not do exactly what he felt he was entitled to.

As soon as I realised he genuinely felt this, I could remove myself to some degree and “observe” the behaviour, see it as “something he did” rather than “something that was happening to me”. His problem; probably absolutely nothing I could do about it at all; and being aware helps massively to figure out what I wanted to do: to stay, and protect myself; or decide to leave. Helps big time with clarity, as it gives you a wee step up out of the hurt and pain and you can look at what’s happening a little, rather than get squished by it.

The other thing I wanted to say was that one of the things that’s helping me make my own way to getting out is that this relationship is bringing the worst out in me . I can feel myself becoming passive aggressive (closing down, saying things are fine when I am tongue gnashingly furious (I will NOT argue in front of the children, and he knows this), sucking it up, and hating him for it.) And I really want to own up to my part of this dysfunctional part of the relationship (without taking ANY responsibility for HIS abusive behaviour) so that when I do leave, I so do feeling clear and honest about it all, and not leaving any hostages to fortune so that when I look back I won’t think oh, but I was being horrid too and maybe if I hadn’t been it would have been ok. I am being passive aggressive; I am withdrawing; but my conclusion is that this is an unhealthy relationship, that this did NOT happen in my previous 18 yr relationship, and therefore it is something to do with our dynamic – so it must end. He makes me deeply miserable (in between his periods of being lovely) and I have to own up to myself that I am probably making him unhappy now, too. So further justification for making that ridiculously difficult yet obvious decision. Hey ho. Hope that made some sense to someone!

Still lurking here lovelys. Up and down, not reporting, but realisation has challenged a lot so bringing upsets and trying to get on with life amidst all that going on

good luck with the telling Nini but no, you do it and keep FW well away from it, you are not in a couple, and he is not a good parent, both things I forgot to remember! So pleased for you to have your way out.

Romy Pony - this: he wants you vulnerable. OMFG! SO much yes!
I have been reading some others' posts recently about 'strong women' and those chosing to be 'softer' to a male partner because thats the role they want, and i wondered what that was all about, but i also then when i came here and read your words thought, yes absolutely, they might like to see those things as success shining off you, but they are not useful for them in a RS so they have to go, this was so so true, the abuse is all about the power and control and therefore women being strong has to be stopped, at the extreme end it leads to the agressor / rescuer stockholm syndrome, being the aggressor and instigation of tactics to destroy partner mean he has the power and can now rescue (in whatever gruesome fucking form that takes).

Melb I think i remember you from a way back, sorry you are going through this still, but sounds like you have some concrete plans now? or decisions at least... don't worry about you making him unhappy, please try to let go of that... he is making you miserable you say and thats all you need to know to go and absolutely no justifications required, you can just do it. - and the 'being lovely in between' bits, hmm with EA its difficult to know how real those bits are too, perhaps just another one of his 'characters' on show for self-engrandisements /effect/hoovering... who knows? but not worth tying yourself in knots trying to work out

all for difficult times xx

Eesh, thanks, Fairyfi. Tipped me right into tears. Honestly. Gettagrip, woman! :)

Good advice on the timing for telling, ponygirl.

Wanting to choose her own bed, Nini, is a remarkably positive sign. Beds are a safe place for kinder; this is her re-nesting. .

And yes, a whole bloody garden of to everyone making their own horrid way across this sea of sh*te. Teabag. Woman. Hot water. .

Well, a milestone-- he's seen the divorce letter/papers. Which he's crumpled up and thrown on the floor...

The situation was: this morning (I've been laying the groundwork, he's aware I've spoken to a solicitor) he was rude to me again, I told him I was going out to vote and that he'd find divorce papers on the table. So, he knows now.

Melb I know what you mean about him bringing out the worst in you, I really think that I've labelled myself as 'angry', 'mad', prone to 'temper tantrums' because H says I am... it is only around him that I'm like that! I have truly horrified myself with my behavious sometimes. And that's a good reason for both of us not to be together.

I'm wavering now, thinking about the financial security I'm giving up... he has been texting all day demanding me to call him.

Hmmm. What next??

what next Thats wow! what you've done... HUGE! what next ... keep blinking going lovely, more of the same. All he needs to know is in the divorce papers refer back to them and dont engage with him... Are you not able to live in separate houses now?

Hellish worrying about the financial security, but are you financially viable singley?

Show him your strength by ignoring all his texts and divert them to a file called BIN! The believe to convert to being he is no longer your partner, its finished and he no longer has any call on your energy time or attention /attendance!

Melb going to put teabag in hot water now

Well done you, thats! Hope the rest of the day went well.

Well done thats. A massive step. Don't think or make any decisions in the next few days, just be. You've done what you've been building up to, and you need time to let it settle in your head. Stay safe.

Thanks all. Pony that is exactly what I want to do, he's gone to the other house tonight and I REALLY HOPE he stays there. Lots of texts and emails, I've replied to enough to prevent him going totally ballistic. I'm sure he thinks he can talk me around but he has been so unreasonable lately, he must realise that he cannot blame me for everything. I need a plan, if he decides to come back I'm in trouble.

reiterate that.. stay safe Thats. Change your locks so you have your safe space in your home, taking control of your space before he tries to. If you are worried and you sound as if you consider you are going to be in some sort of 'trouble'... then please let the police know your circumstances and your address/telephone number, and his, in case he decides to start thrashing around.

thats don't reply to any texts or emails - it's up to him if he goes ballistic, not your job to manage him. If he comes back you call 999, immediately. Hope you are ok tonight. And yes, as fi says, phone 101 and alert them that you have delivered papers and he may be volatile. It'll mean a quicker callout should you need to contact 999.