Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships - thread 31

[CharlotteCollins]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books:

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites:

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I leave too early in the morning to be able to get a childminder to do mornings I think (and therefore I'm still screwed for overnights), but I'll try looking into it again.

Sorry to hear you've gotten a curveball about yours moving out. Do you think he'll go through with it or is it an empty threat?

Hi all, wide awake at stupid o'clock! I need advice...I have been offered the most excellent job. They want me to start asap, like in 2 weeks time. H will be furious I think?? But...should he even figure in this decision? I should have left him by now, should be in my own little flat, it was always my ambition to get a new job that would take me forward into the next 10 years..yikes, its all possible!

Logically, there may be other jobs out there. It's not a brilliant time because we're selling the house right now (they've said I can have a week off unpaid in September, I could make it two weeks as I said in the interview I'd need time off and this has all happened VERY fast!)

But. This is a great firm, they have a real focus on employing women in a male dominated profession... lovely job and I'd be so proud to say I worked for that firm.

A sideways twist in my path to leaving H, perhaps?

My page hadn't refreshed before I started typing, just saw other messages! Rainbow so sorry to hear about that. I've had my (now 20)daughter offer me her bed when she knew I was sleeping on the sofa, isn't it sad! You need to call WA. You're pregnant and he's stepping up the abuse. I'd suspect that he's stressed due to the move, etc? And taking it out on you? Ridiculous about the stains on the carpet but I know that horrid feeling of dread when things are going downhill and nothing you can say will soothe the situation, you should be focusing on the kids and yourself right now! Pregnancy is a critical time for stepping up abuse. Be careful. I'm furious on your behalf that he's taken the comfy bed!

Box there are other options to leaving immediately. I almost hate to give advice as I've been trying to leave for years but I'm still surprised at your solicitors advice, you'd be giving up too much, I would also think that you would end up paying quite a lot of your salary out on maintenance to him if he were sole carer! You need a long term strategy, could you move closer to your work, find work closer, or even stop working for a while! I don't know if that's advisable, just thinking there may be alternatives.

Rainbow for you honey. That all sounds just awful. If you can't face phoning WA, what about an email from a secure account? That's what I did. Baby steps.

thats you don't have to ask re the job. Take it! And we'll done on being offered it.

Winnie I know it must be awful seeing DS upset. But one word of caution - same as I said to box, this offer will come from a place of his needs. If that need is just to avoid childcare etc, so be it. Just be alert for other things - eg is he going to dangle and retract this offer to mess you about or put you even further back or something like that? He's not making this offer from the goodness of his heart!

Rainbow could you have a chat with your midwife or health visitor? She might be able to offer some support or point you in the direction of local groups that could help you. I'm so sad that he is making you sleep on the floor. Do you have family and/or friends in your old town? Could you go back and stay with them for a little while until there is at least a bed in the new place?

pony yy my DSIS said the same. She thought it was just so he knew where I was and could drop back in at any time. Although he'd be an 8 hours drive away so couldn't randomly come back. I also think he's hoping that once the schools are back, my life is so busy with work, school runs, etc, that I won't be able to concentrate on anything else and leaving will slip down my agenda. And tbf that is probably the biggest risk as I'm amazingly good at getting sucked back in.

Why has he chosen to move so far away? I ask because if he was moving out to give you space surely he would have stayed local. An 8-hr drive is an awful lot, so I suspect other reasons than the goodness of his heart to give you space.

He usually travels down EO week for a contract that we have so instead of coming back in between, he'd just base himself there and do his other work remotely iyswim

to all

fi did you notice I'd PM'd?

Hello to all, 3 years to the day since my Ex moved out (of what had become MY house :) ), and in Sept it will be 4 years since I started divorce. Sending forth strength and good wishes, without this thread I might not have strenth myself.

*found strength

hi and

did you see i'd emailed?

everyone

Woah, Rainbow, he is SO out of order he's making me choke on my wine. Lord, he could be straight out of a text book. He's making you sleep on the floor because he didn't like what you said about stains on the carpet???? Ok, please listen to what the others say. Go speak to WA - this is emotional abuse at the very least. And think of it this way: he is an abusive husband; you do NOT need to be the abused wife. He can behave as badly as he wants. It does not make you a victim. Took me a long time to admit what was happening to me as I just did not think it ever would be me in that position. So when I did, I moved away and started to watch his behaviour, and refused to be the abusee. So: this IS appalling behaviour; you DO deserve to be treated to respect, even if you weren't pregnant - the fact he's making you sleep on the floor when you are is making me spit. There is help. Speak to WA. They will tell you what you can do. Don't panic. Start a whole new world in your head (sounds like you already have) and start detaching from him. Dear God. He sounds like a piece of work. I have just ended an abusive relationship. And all I can think is "why didn't I do this sooner??" :))) We're with you on this.

Just read a few posts back. Just want to shout from my wee rooftop, TO LOTS OF YOU:
DON'T GO BACKWARDS, MY LOVELIES. DARKEST HOUR OF THE STORM IS JUST BEFORE DAWN. KEEP GOING. REMEMBER NEMO, IF THAT'S ALL YOU CAN REMEMBER! KEEP SWIMMING!!!

And forgive the caps - I know it's shouty. But Don't. Give. Up. Now. :) xxxxx

Thanks mel sich confusing times though! Feel like im about to break free and die at the same time

I've accepted a new job...given notice and all sorted with leaving other job...I start new one 1st sept... H knows I'm taking new job and last week he even suggested we went out to celebrate ?!? so we met (his) friends for drinks/dinner but my new job wasn't mentioned all evening!! (Except by me to friends when H had left table) so H doesn't know 1) the job or name of firm (we work in the same field so he should be interested?) 2) when I'm starting 3) that it's a proper job 9-5 and I won't be at his beck and call via phone during day.

He's clearly playing a power game. He knows I'm taking a new job and should have acknowledged it, asked me something about it. I think he wants me to come to him with details, as if I'm asking for his blessing...or permission to take it? He's setting me up so that when I trot off to work one day he'll deny he knew I was taking a job and say I can't because of x, y, z... I am not playing games and will not be forthcoming with any information!

This is just a mini rant to put it down on paper so to speak, I'm ready to move out and rent a flat at a moments notice if needed. This job is so important to me, it's a re-launch of my career having been out of the full time game for 7 years and I so want it to go well, there's every reason that it should go well, but if his reaction is dominating my thoughts it won't go as it should!

Meant to say, I've organised so that I can rent a flat if needed and move out at a moment's notice if needed. I know I should have left him already! But hey I haven't and I can't wait anymore to take a new job...the order should have been 1) leave H 2) sell house or somehow establish separate living 3) get new job. Instead I'm doing 1) get new job and sell house at same time although house sale may fall through with no fixed timetable for leaving H. I'm still trying to divorce by stealth.

thats sounds to me like your sort of beating yourself up for not doing things in "the right order" nut that's not what's important as such. Because if you did everything right by the book he would still end up pitting obstacles you hadn't forseen.
WELL DONE FOR TAKING THE JOB!!!!!!!!
That's what matters. It's your key to breaking free and his power games of not actually being happy for you or genuinely interested will probably for the 1st time backfire on him! Because there will be no stopping you from going sonce he hasn't got a clue when you're starting AND you've made arrangements to rent and move away.
It will go great you're getting there. Even I cant wait for you to start your new job

Silvery emailed you back urgently sorry to use this board everyone, but don't know any other way right now.

Hello,

I hope it's ok for me to post here - firstly, I need to say I am just not in a position to leave. A lovely Mumsnetter referred me here.

I've been with my husband since I was a teenager (I am now early 30s) and we have three children.

He's always been quite overbearing and I've left him before. He just tries to control everything I do - doesn't like me working, doesn't like me driving, doesn't like me having a phone, I don't know what else.

It's so so difficult to sit here and type it out. I don't know where to start. I've been bollocked rebuked on here before for drip feeding but I don't mean to. I just never know where to start with it all. Anyway I am marking my place.

Thanks x

Welcome on here Murray Not everybody understands whst it can be like and most importantly before you leave you have to accept it's totally over and beyknd tepsir which is why it's so hard to leave sometimes...
The thing that scared me the most on here was when j read a ladies post saying it took her 18years before gathering the strength to leave.

We are all here for you and here for all of us
xx

*totally over and beyond repair

I don't know if I'll ever be able to leave. I think that's what I find hardest; some days it feels unbearable and I feel controlled. Other days I adore him and love him so much.

Me too Murray in my case i feel.myself getting stronger and steonger in terms of accepting he won't change...the good/bad days cycle thing is what is keeping me into a state of depression its just so exhausting to expect that things will come crashing down yet again, every single time!

glitter thanks for your comments and for totally 'getting' this situation! We're actually on a mini holiday at the moment, he should know he's on borrowed time, I mean ffs I've given him divorce papers and he knows (I've told him) new ones have been issued (he threw previous ones away because he doesn't want the get divorced)! So...today he's been totally self centred and only considered himself and what he wanted in every part of our day (we're on a 'working' holiday with DD, she needed to do some project research so we said we'd bring her as opposed to her travelling on her own and roughing it) and he's showed himself up dreadfully. I'll give examples to remind myself 1) it's a self serve breakfast but he made me do his plate 2) made DDs project 'all about him' so we had to go where he wanted and not follow her agenda(it's ok she will have enough examples) 3) I had to pump the petrol (not being sexist I do it all the time but am irked that he pulled up at pump then told me to do it...I was sitting in the back seat ffs!) 4) ok there's more but I'm getting petty now! I 'had' to have sex with him this morning or he would have been in a Really Bad Mood and he still acted like an entitled d*ck all day! I need to see how bad he is...luckily my life aside from him is pretty good, I'm just wondering if I should preempt things and take the flat rental now whether than waiting until after I start the new job.

Apologies for being so me me me! I've got a limited amount of wifi time, can't read back properly.

But..when I imagine myself it's 'new job' me, cannot tell you what an ego boost it is. I'm so determined not to let him contaminate this.

glitter they never change. Because it's all about them! They know exactly how to fix all the problems with the world and if only we'd see the light and do as we're told the world would be just fine....