Top 5 deal breaker qualities in a man

[britneyspearscatsuit]

I don't want a shopping list that's too long but also don't want to pick the wrong man. I was trying to think of what my firm "dealbreakers" were ad honestly don't know.

To hep me form a mental list so I don't get swept up into a romance that doesn't work for me, can anyone tell me what their few ABSOLUTE dealbreaker qualities are in a potential spouse or life partner (I am not talking about just a bit of fun dating).

Right now I can probably think of being faithful as a dealbreaker for me.

Serious question. Quite a few people here have mentioned tightness/tightwaddery/mean/not generous as being an unattractive trait, what are we talking here, him choosing the economy baked beans over Heinz when shopping despite earning 80k a year or him just not lavishing gifts on you on a regular basis or expecting you to go dutch on your first few dates?

I think it's when expectations are out of sync. DH and I are both very careful and keep track of our pennies and negotiate hard service costs, etc. I take a packed lunch to work, he nips out to Tesco Metro rather than the pish deli. He will walk a tube stop to skip a zone. But he is generous spirited and will say "course" if the dc touch him for a holiday, etc. He has never questioned a penny I have ever spent.

I remember the way new DH handled someone's pet hamster - sooo gentle with it.

(some men (my family's) would be 'tough' and would make a 'where's the cat' joke or similar)

To me meaness is trying to control finance in a relationship - DH and I share a bank account and, whilst neither of us would ever go over drawn - we never have to 'ask' each other if we want to spend something on ourselves. I read so many threads on mumsnet about mean partners - controlling what they are 'allowed' to spend, issuing 'pocket money' etc. That to me is being mean.

I don't want lavish gifts at all, but I don't expect to be questioned on what I spend money on. To clarity - would never, ever over spend.

And no, neither of us earn anything like £80k a year.

PanGalactic I don't mind if somebody's careful with money - after all, being careful with money shows a certain amount of responsibility. You don't have to spend everything you earn, for example. If you're careful with money, it allows you to save up for something e.g. a deposit towards a house, a general 'rainy day' fund, for example.

But I once had a boyfriend who was tight for no real reason. He earned good money, he wasn't saving for anything, he just didn't like to spend money - on anything. We always went half-shares on everything, which was fair enough, and exactly what I'd expect, as we were earning about the same. But he would never splash out on anything - not even going out for dinner for birthdays (always had to go somewhere cheap), or holidays (always camping or youth-hosteling), and that kind of relentless tightwaddery makes life very joyless. I like a man who's responsible with money, but not to that degree! It's about finding a middle ground where you're both responsible with money, but still enjoy little treats every now and again (and you don't have to ask 'permission' to spend money on yourself, obviously)

A similar attitude to money is important - not tight but not spending money you don't have in my case.
The ability to compromise - it's inevitable you are going to disagree about something sooner or later, if you can't reach a 'middle point' it's not good.
Finding each other sexually attractive.
Allowing you freedom in your life - not moaning when you want to do something with your friends for example.

Mine boils down to this: he has to treat me like someone he likes.

No blowing hot and cold. No being cagey. No lying. No failing to pay for things or remember things. He has to be fair, kind, maybe even a bit generous-of-heart to me. He has to treat me as nicely, or nicer, than he treats his close friends. I should be a close friend.

And if he doesn't HAVE any close friends ... that's probably a deal breaker too, because I think it shows me there are some emotional ishooooos that I won't want any part of.

Unfaithful
Lies
Controlling
Manipulative
Inconsiderate

That's my list anyway!

My ex-husband was mean - about petty things - he did earn a very good salary and had a posh car but would spend ages driving around looking for free parking - and he was incredibly mean about giving to charity - he could easily afford to put 50p or a £1 in a charity collecting box but would moan endlessly if anyone dared ask for a donation (I am not talking about chuggers - years before they came on the scene ).

That's the sort of mean behaviour I really don't like.

My list:

Does his own laundry
Cleans the space he lives in
Willing to do physical tasks without constant reminder (aka nagging)
Washes up after eating
Does things to improve his living conditions (e.g. sees things that need to be done such as minor repairs and does them on his own initiative)
Has a few friends
Has no serious life wrecking addictions (gambling, drugs, porn)
Not controlling
Ambitious and hard working
No serious mental health issues (or commited 100% to address them)
Kind to others
No anger issues (style of his driving can be a very good indicator of this...)
Earns decent money (yes, it becomes very important when kids come into picture)
Faithful

I seem to tick all the positives. very few of the negatives and it took me ages to find a girlfriend post divorce. (Checks mirror and notices a head like a melted welly. Oh dear).

Sees me as a priority
Loves me
Clean
Groomed
Can look after himself and doesn't need mothering
Solvent
Kind
Shares a sense of humour
Enjoys doing things, and not stuck in a rut
Not tight
Friendly and sociable
Caring
Tall
Attractive to me
Considerate and good in bed
Tactile
Can think for himself
Not possessive
Wants to be with me
Great with the dcs

Gardav, are you saying that you think we're all bring disingenuous and really the major deal breaker for most women is a head like a melted welly?

Porn
Paying for sex inc lap dancing etc
Violence
Being anti-feminist
Them having dcs

I love this article. I think you've had enough lists so won't post one but this really made me think.

thephilosophersmail.com/relationships/how-we-end-up-marrying-the-wrong-people/

Hi Sumoweeble. Nope, I understand that you would have a tick list and even if the man meets every criteria on the tick list there may be no attraction and the relationship is pointless. A head like a melted welly is a subjective thing anyway. Incidentally my current girlfriend had a list of things she didn’t want

Not more than twenty miles away.
Not married.
Not the first relationship after a break up.
No young children.

I broke all those rules, i’m an hour away from her house, I was married(separated now divorced) when we met, she is my first relationship since the marriage ended and I have 50% care of two young children. So I broke all the rules and we’re both very happy.(Well I am anyway)

Respect looks like:

Listening. Being interested (genuinely, not "that's nice dear".), sharing your excitement and enthusiasm about things which don't directly affect him.
Not going off on one when you disagree about something.
Asking your opinion about things (not nec. everything, but as long as it happens) - thinking your opinion is valuable.
Not criticising you/your music taste/food taste/dress sense etc.
Not ridiculing you or making fun of you unless it's genuinely well received.
Being sorry (genuinely feeling it) if he accidentally hurts or upsets you, wanting to make amends because he feels bad, not because he wants to guilt you into forgiving him.
Considering your needs. Putting you at least equal to himself, possibly higher in priority. (Ideally the same as you - ie equal or the other higher, but it should match)
You feel able to be yourself around him.
You feel safe around him. He doesn't make you feel anxious.

Good on you, Gardav. Sounds like life is sweet relationship wise.:)