Top 5 deal breaker qualities in a man

[britneyspearscatsuit]

I don't want a shopping list that's too long but also don't want to pick the wrong man. I was trying to think of what my firm "dealbreakers" were ad honestly don't know.

To hep me form a mental list so I don't get swept up into a romance that doesn't work for me, can anyone tell me what their few ABSOLUTE dealbreaker qualities are in a potential spouse or life partner (I am not talking about just a bit of fun dating).

Right now I can probably think of being faithful as a dealbreaker for me.

Guy I am currently sort of thinking of dating is....

1. Possibly showing signs of being less than honest / deceptive
2. Does not explain his unusual actions
3. is a bit cagey
4. Does not ask about mu day or my life
5. Is inconsistent
6. Is stubborn
7. Is massively jealous and possessive.
8. Blows hot and cold
9. Texts all the time instead of phoning (lately)

10. Doesn't seem to spend a lot of time with his kids and never mentions them really!!!! 11. Seems less intelligent than me (doesn't know what words mean) 12. Is not terribly attractive physically 13. Spends an abnormal amount of time with a female friend of his who is also single 14. Is very full on and then disappears, giving me a complete headfuck 15. Does everything on his terms

And I know all this is REALLY bad, but he does have lots of good points too and I genuinely don't know what the heck I am thinking and why I don't just tell him to piss off and go out with someone who isn't just normal.

Maybe I am looking for the polar opposite of my ex who did none of these things. Sorry for totally digressing off the topic. My head is swimming....

Run away, run away!

he does have lots of good points too

So what?

Yes, I know...what I am wondering is why I DON'T run away and why I am finding him more attractive than the others.

This might sound silly, but my ex was LOVELY and then turned evil and for six months after he changed, I totally tolerated it...even begged him, list all self esteem and all ability to gauge what was normal behavior and now I feel like my system is just broken in some way. I found myself making excuses for his cheating, lying, disgusting behavior and now I am doing the same with this complete idiot.

Too many red flags there for me britney Ive followed yours and everyone's experiences on the dating thread and it doesn't sound to me like you are short on offers (hence very attractive) why sell yourself short?

No, I'm no short at all on offers. It's so confusing as to why my system is attracting me to the ONE person who isn't giving anything back. I am sure it's something to do with my history as it's so out of character for me.

Reading the comments, I think honest, kind, responsible and faithful are definitely on my list. I might just have to force myself to think with my head.

Not sure here if being REALLY screwed over makes you drawn to a bad boy?

Yes, I think it does. Because it totally smashes your self-esteem (even if, objectively, you know you're attractive and aren't short on offers) and messes with your head.

Going through the wringer can make you grateful of any sort of attention, even if it's the wrong sort. It can even, on a subconscious level, make you feel like you deserve the wrong sort of attention .

If you can't trust yourself not to message him, my advice would be to block & hide him from whatever service you're using to message him. With a friend present if possible, or in a moment of strength. You could easily end up back to square one self-esteem wise otherwise.

Yes Bruce Maybe that is what it is and maybe I do need to block and hide to give myself time to evaluate the list of what I DO want, rather than accepting this crappy treatment and feeling (YUK) lucky for those scraps which is how I feel.

Embarrassing but I do feel that way.

In a weird way men who are nice to me (totally nice) actually turn me off since this happened.

Must:
Be smart
Be clean
Be passionate
See the fun in life
Have me as his top partner choice
Be kind to his family

Must not:
Smoke
Lie about things that matter
Spend more money than he can afford to

Insolvent
Unfaithful
Rubbish in bed
Unkind
Abusive in any way
Controlling

After dating a lot of absolutely bastards, I found having a list of must-haves really helped. Because it's easier to look FOR something than to avoid it.

And those good points? They aren't good enough to cancel out your list of red flags. You deserve better!

My must-haves:

• Kind and not mean-spirited.
• Always treats me with at least as much kindness and respect as he does his friends. With the abusive and twatty ones it is always less.
• Is able to admit he is wrong or has made a mistake. Does not have to be right about everything.
• Is polite to waiters.
• Is pleased for me if I have good news or have achieved something.
• Does not expect to choose between him and other aspects of my life.

p.s. I had a much more extensive list than that. I found him and am now happily married to him.

Oh, forgot my instant filter on a first date:

Has to let me pay half/my share of the date.

I have to know he respects my opinion and sees me as an equal. It also lets him know I am there only for his company, not his bank balance.

i'd watch out for someone who drank a bit more than what i would consider normal in future.

Must haves

Kind
Honest
Faithful/Loyal
Intelligence
Hard working
Emotionally stable

Must Nots

The reverse of all the above and
Fecklessness
Jealousy
Kinky tendencies
Bad temper
Poor hygiene/table manners

I don't ask much in a man

Kindness and integrity would be my top 'must haves'.

Also being generous - can't stand meaness.

As I have a faith I would prefer my partner to have a faith.

Not bothered about sex the less the better .

I wouldn't want someone who expects me to make him happy in a totally 'needy' sort of way - he must have his own interests/hobbies (so long as they are not gaming ).

Is openness important? Speaking freely and easily about what you think and feel?

I know there are some "negative" qualities that can be overcome and some not so.

OMG! I used to have a list on my phone as a memo, it became increasingly longer....very amusing thread and yep still single

Oh and the most important thing, love isn't enough without respect.

What defines respect though from a man? I am very confused about what that even means joysmum. How would a man who "respects" you behave?

A man who believes in equality. It doesn't have to be equal shares of jobs but there has to be mutual appreciation for the strengths /skills each party brings to the table.

Smoking/drugs/real excessive drinking/other addictions
Criminal conviction (ok maybe if he shop lifted aged 11 I would over-look it)
Lazy/unambitious
Uncommitted and not prepared to 'work' at the relationship through its downs
Similar wishes about life and attitudes/aspirations

When I split with my ex I rebounded with a proper twat. My ex was so lovely at first but ended up breaking my heart. I felt like I knew where I stood with the twat and he could never hurt me because I knew what to expect. It was completely twisted logic but I suspect it's the same for you Britney.

I always think going out for a meal with a date is a good way to judge his character

1. If he is rude to waitresses
2. If he scoops his peas with a knife
3. Is tight fisted
4. Is a noisy eater

Can anyone think of another perfect way to trial run a man for all the qualities we're looking for/to avoid?

Maybe that's what it is!