... But you feel panicked and upset at the thought of getting married/having a wedding? Towards the end of this mammoth post, I get a bit tmi.
My partner and I have been Together 8 years. He is handsome, successful, but, most importantly, kind and supportive (walking out of a meeting in London because my horse had died suddenly, bringing home chocolate unasked when I've had a bad day, etc etc). We share common interests and have our own, separate hobbies (eventing and cricket). We have the same values about money, eating out, travel, interior design, cleanliness, and family (ie. Our family values), and he is supportive but not threatened by my academic success (PhD), unlike many men I've known/met. He gets along with my family and will sacrifice things he enjoys to do things he ought (attending family occasions etc). He is not a big drinker, same as me, but we both can get on it for a big rugby night. I support him going on rugby tour with the lads, he is happy for me to go off with the girls on mine. I'm immensely proud of his outlook/behaviour in life, his treatment of others, his business success, and his sporting prowess. He is quietly feminist too, which is rare in an Australian rugby boy. My mum - never married, feminist, business owner, thinks of him as her son.
However... The thought of getting married fills me with horror. I'm trying to get used to the idea, as it is very important to my dp, but this is one area in which we differ. I hate the expense, the show, the idea of being bound to someone so severely. I like the fact that I can choose to walk away, but I don't because I love him and want to be with him, rather than be bound (almost) regardless of how I feel.
Each congratulations from people has stuck in my throat. I have been reticent telling people. I feel awkward and defensive when people start asking me about the wedding. I don't want to be a wife. I like being a partner. But my dp is so desperate to get married. He has very little family and he wants to make his own.
I keep having dreams of having sex with other people (my old ex and a rugby player on whom I have a bit of a crush at my club) and leaving my dp. It's upsetting me deeply and I wake up disturbed by my dreams.
The one thing I've been hesitant about saying as it is tmi, is the sex factor. My dp is very handsome, but a blonde, body hairless, slight figure (American teen idol/surfer physique, but 30 years old!) - exactly my type when I met him at 21. My sexual taste since then has evolved - I now am attracted to solid, hairy, dark men (Aidan turner types). I also am quite kinky and like to be dominated, but my partner is totally vanilla. Added to this - the final major TMI. My partner is somewhat under endowed. He is just about average in length, but is rather slender in girth. I think him very good looking, I love and admire him, but I don't desire him - I don't have that groin tingling stab of desire and I have to work very hard to get myself ready for sex. I wonder how much this is affecting my thoughts/dreams?
What to do? I love him and trust him in a way that I never have with others. He is the perfect partner in all ways apart from the physical. I have met a few men whom I fancy more, but I've always known that they were cheaters/insecure/jealous/controlling/vindictive/manipulative. I'm naturally attracted to dominating types, which makes for great sex but terrible relationships. Despite how I may come across, I want to be with my DP.
I would really welcome others' experiences, advice, and also any questions that might help me work through this. Thank you.