What to do when the (very near almost) perfect man asks you to marry...

[Ehhn]

... But you feel panicked and upset at the thought of getting married/having a wedding? Towards the end of this mammoth post, I get a bit tmi.

My partner and I have been Together 8 years. He is handsome, successful, but, most importantly, kind and supportive (walking out of a meeting in London because my horse had died suddenly, bringing home chocolate unasked when I've had a bad day, etc etc). We share common interests and have our own, separate hobbies (eventing and cricket). We have the same values about money, eating out, travel, interior design, cleanliness, and family (ie. Our family values), and he is supportive but not threatened by my academic success (PhD), unlike many men I've known/met. He gets along with my family and will sacrifice things he enjoys to do things he ought (attending family occasions etc). He is not a big drinker, same as me, but we both can get on it for a big rugby night. I support him going on rugby tour with the lads, he is happy for me to go off with the girls on mine. I'm immensely proud of his outlook/behaviour in life, his treatment of others, his business success, and his sporting prowess. He is quietly feminist too, which is rare in an Australian rugby boy. My mum - never married, feminist, business owner, thinks of him as her son.

However... The thought of getting married fills me with horror. I'm trying to get used to the idea, as it is very important to my dp, but this is one area in which we differ. I hate the expense, the show, the idea of being bound to someone so severely. I like the fact that I can choose to walk away, but I don't because I love him and want to be with him, rather than be bound (almost) regardless of how I feel.
Each congratulations from people has stuck in my throat. I have been reticent telling people. I feel awkward and defensive when people start asking me about the wedding. I don't want to be a wife. I like being a partner. But my dp is so desperate to get married. He has very little family and he wants to make his own.
I keep having dreams of having sex with other people (my old ex and a rugby player on whom I have a bit of a crush at my club) and leaving my dp. It's upsetting me deeply and I wake up disturbed by my dreams.

The one thing I've been hesitant about saying as it is tmi, is the sex factor. My dp is very handsome, but a blonde, body hairless, slight figure (American teen idol/surfer physique, but 30 years old!) - exactly my type when I met him at 21. My sexual taste since then has evolved - I now am attracted to solid, hairy, dark men (Aidan turner types). I also am quite kinky and like to be dominated, but my partner is totally vanilla. Added to this - the final major TMI. My partner is somewhat under endowed. He is just about average in length, but is rather slender in girth. I think him very good looking, I love and admire him, but I don't desire him - I don't have that groin tingling stab of desire and I have to work very hard to get myself ready for sex. I wonder how much this is affecting my thoughts/dreams?

What to do? I love him and trust him in a way that I never have with others. He is the perfect partner in all ways apart from the physical. I have met a few men whom I fancy more, but I've always known that they were cheaters/insecure/jealous/controlling/vindictive/manipulative. I'm naturally attracted to dominating types, which makes for great sex but terrible relationships. Despite how I may come across, I want to be with my DP.

I would really welcome others' experiences, advice, and also any questions that might help me work through this. Thank you.

Two things. One. You don't have to marry him at all, OP, if you really don't want to - you don't have to marry anyone. My partner passionately wanted to get married for well over a decade, and I didn't - I eventually compromised (for complicated personal reasons) by marrying him, but with no guests or flowers or rings etc. which was actually lovely. So marriage without any parade is perfectly possible. But I would have preferred not to marry at all.

Secondly, I don't actually get the sense from your posts that you do in fact love your partner overwhelmingly - everything you say about him suggests he's a decent enough human being, and you can't actually think of anything obviously wrong with him, apart from the fact you're not attracted to him. Some of his 'virtues' sound slightly as though you're casting about to find good things to list. I mean, it wouldn't occur to me to be pleased my partner wasn't intimidated by my doctorate, or that we 'shared values' about eating out and cleanliness? Also, saying you've been together for eight years is a bit misleading when you had a significant break-up during that time...?

Is he actually saying 'marry me or we have to break up'? If you could continue unmarried, would you want to stay in the relationship?

The OP and her partner are only 29/30 misskwerty

I quite simply think she's about 40 years too young to settle for cocoa and companionship. Dating someone you actually fancy isn't some unattainable fantasy that's beyond the grasp of mere mortals. Beards and slightly kinky sex are both in fashion- there'll be 100s of blokes out there who'd be more her type.

Not to mention it isn't particular fair on him either.

Buy a nice big dildo for those occasions when you need more....

:) Ok, joking.

Seriously, I can't see this lasting long term as sexual compatibility is obviously very important to OP. The choice is compromise or start over and look for Mr Right.

I had a similar situation, many years ago. He was a good man, and treated me very well. Very intelligent, very funny, ambitious, talented. I married mine and spent 15 years of my life with him. We were best friends and I couldn't imagine life without him.

But I left him last year. Although we had sex, and we had good sex, it was very vanilla. He tried different things, but he was too good a person, the acts just seemed comical coming from him, not sexy. I'm now living with someone who has that dominant streak, and I've never been as attracted to someone physically, or sexually, as I am this man.

But there were trade offs. I lost my best friend. My ex and I are still friends, but obviously it will never be the same. I'm much more in love with this man than I ever was my ex, and that's a fantastic feeling to have.

I don't regret marrying my ex, but I also don't regret leaving him. I married my best friend, not the love of my life.

Fully agree with unexpected in that your relationship seemsto have evolved into a friendship. Have a thorough read at your post and try to analyse it a bit hun.
1st you give a list of how he's so perfect. Nobody but you needs to be convinced
or do they
2nd You clearly state marriage isn't for you...Does he not know how you feel about it at all after being together how many yrs? (sorry if this was mentioned haven't read everything)
3rd You give a list of how he's not so perfect but mostly how what's not perfect about him is such a put off to you...

Seems to me like marriageisbt the real issue. He's not really the man for you OP is he?
Wishing you all the best andhoping you don't do anything you'll regret. xxx

I think your family background and in particular your father's behaviour is key here. I feel that looking at this more closely in counselling you will find the right way forward for you in your own life. I was in a very similar situation. This isn't just about sex, or the wedding show (though both are important) it's goes deeper.

Blimey. sometimes somebody being nice to you can feel more 'intrusive' than somebody being unsupportive etc..

I've been single for my children's childhoods and I'd like to think that they won't blame their anxieties on that later in life!

Sanctimonious - I don't think anyone's suggesting her mum being single was the problem? ( though I may have missed a post) But from the way she talks about her father it does sound like she has some mixed feelings she might benefit from exploring. Getting counselling or help for anxieties should be about deeper understanding, not blame.

I feel I should clarify some points. Yes, my dp is my best friend. I think this a good thing. We go off having adventures together, travelling, skiing off piste, etc etc, and we always have an amazing time together - he is one of the only people (in fact the only person!) with whom I can spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for weeks at a time, without getting irritated/falling out. I Listed all our shared values because I find them incredibly important. We are a team.
But I can't work out if my roving eye is a selfish, self-indulgent consequence of poor models, from a family of pleasure seekers and instant gratification (my half brothers are exceptionally selfish and pleasure seeking) and I should get over myself, a genuine dissatisfaction that I've fallen into the friend zone, or a third slightly more complex bit of psychology. In reference to my mother, she is advising me not to let dp go. She turned down her long term (but somewhat on/off) boyfriend from age 19-25 and whom she loved deeply - because it would mean giving up her exciting life abroad and because she was scared of commitment and that no one could really love her. She is now incredibly lonely facing her old age on her own, having failed to have a loving, physical relationship for nearly 30 years, having never found anyone to really compare, and having made a very foolish, biologically-driven decision about my father in her 40s.

I can't tell if my feelings are history repeating themselves (commitment issues) or FEAR of history repeating themselves (not wanting to lose someone whom I love). I wish I didn't over think things so much. Dp makes me laugh, we share so much stuff, we've been through some really shit times and come out of the other side fighting. I shagged around for 3 years when I was single and younger and it didn't bring me happiness - how am I "missing out" experimenting with other men? I have always had a desperate need to be wanted by men and used to turn myself into the ideal woman for them - and they'd either shag and dump me, or fall in love with the person I made myself be - but with dp I'm just myself. jeez, when I read this, it really makes me think why the hell my dp even bothers to be with me. But I have grown and healed from where I was at 20/21.

In a nutshell - you need a better physical attraction and you know it. You are far too young to settle for a life of no real physical connection (so is he). That's it.

Send him to me in Aus!

I have to say I know a couple of women who did what your mother did, and yes I do think there's an possibility of repeating her pattern. But as you say there's also the possibility of compromising too far in order to avoid her pattern.

Even though you had 3 years of being young free and single, you were only a teenager effectively, and you spent all of your 20s in a relationship with one person.

I had 3 major relationships before I met my husband when I was 27. And I really don't think I could have spent so long with one person in my 20s. I wanted to try different things. I could actually have married any of the 3 prior bfs - they'd all have made good husbands - but I wasn't up for committing. With my husband it was partly the right guy, but also partly the right time.

I think if you'd spent your 20s in and out of different relationships, and you met your current bf now, you might feel differently about it, at the very least you would be clear what was out there, and what you were prepared to compromise on.

Some people can compromise on nice rather than great sex if there's great love and compatibility, and some people can't. I think you have to figure out if you can, or whether it will annoy you for the rest of your life. Tbh, with your current mindset, I think if you married him you may well have an affair.

I also wonder whether, actually, there are some things in your relationship that don't work for you, despite him being great on paper, of which the lack of sexual synchronicity is a manifestation.

I agree with Confused

He sounds great. But sexual attraction is really important to some people.

In my previous relationships I just didn't have that connection and I really needed it.

I didn't want to get married when I was younger but when I met DH we both changed our minds.

He's not perfect by any means. Certainly not by your DPs standards! But I love him completely and am so glad I met someone that I still want to boff away with.

I read the original post somewhat differently - that the OP has problems with the commitment that marriage entails with anyone, full stop. And then some problems with sex with this particular guy.

I do think it's important to separate out the two?

Ehhn You say that he is the only person you can spend a lot of time with and not fall out or get irritated by. That is exactly how I feel about my best friend who I love dearly.

It is nothing like the way I feel about my DH, who I'm in love with.

OP. It sounds to me that you have true love, sure there are things about your partner which aren't perfect. But perfect doesn't exist. I think you know deep down that you don't want to leave him as your happy, but now marriage has come into it your trying to be certain this is right for you so those slight imperfections seem bigger.

I would never encourage anybody to marry somebody who they physically have no desire for at all. But if you have a strong feeling like you can't live without this man, like you want nobody else to have him but you, that you can rely on him then he sounds right for you.

Nobody can decide for you, but ask yourself a few of these questions and see how you feel.

If you could have your DP as just a friend would it be enough?

If your DP walked away and found somebody else, would you be happy or devastated?

Take away the pressure of marriage for now, just focus on what he means to you rather then trying to figure out if he's good enough for marriage. If any of us dug deep enough they could find reasons that the grass is greener. My partner could think also red about me not been perfect. I've had 2 children and my body isn't what it once was, I breastfed so my chest isn't firm anymore, I have cellulite, etc etc.

Attraction doesn't always show up on a physical basis, we can be attracted to sense of humour, anything about a person really. Physically we are all forever changing and if you allow physical attraction to rule this decision for you I can't help but feel you would be disappointed. I doubt elderly couples always feel loved up and passionate and attracted to each other. I dont always feel madly in love with my fiancé, attraction and the in love feelings ebb and flow. Sometimes I feel like I just wanna rip his clothes off, other times I just feel like I love him to the core for him and everything he stands for. Sometimes I just look at him and think wow he's so attractive, sometimes I just aren't overly admiring him.

There us a website ran by a lady called sheryl Paul who has a degree in psychology and specialises in relationship anxiety. The website is called conscious transitions, have a nosy and see if you can relate to anything on there. She has a fab blog packed with information on working on yourself so you can trust yourself rather then looking outside of yourself for answers.

Miss qwerty - the OP isn't describing true love by any stretch of the imagination, she's describing a good friend imo.

Basically I have men who do like me and who would like to be my boyfriend. I'm desperate to meet a boyfriend really.

They are good looking, nice, good wage earners, have things in common etc etc and are friends with me.

But there is no chemistry there, no 'butterflies'. So I won't date them.

To me, that's what differentiates a friend from a lover.

Do you want to marry a friend or a lover? Do you basically want what would be similar to an 'arranged marriage' with a guy who 'ticks the boxes' but who you are not attracted to?
Those kind of marriages can last, but... will you be the elderly couple still holding hands & 'whispering sweet nothings' in your 80s (like some of my patients still do).

I have always had a desperate need to be wanted by men and used to turn myself into the ideal woman for them - and they'd either shag and dump me, or fall in love with the person I made myself be - but with dp I'm just myself

I could have written that, word for word, about myself. Like you, I have now found a partner with whom I can just be myself. He loves me warts and all. But unlike you, I find my partner incredibly attractive and we have a very strong sexual chemistry. Like pp have said...that's the difference between a good chum and a partner.

Good luck with everything op.

Same for me Marmite

OP- I'm wondering if the real problem here is that your life experiences have led you to conclude that men are either nice and safe (but boring) or sexy and exciting (but bad).

They can absolutely be both. Really, honestly, trust us on this one.

What Confused said.

You can list his amazing qualities until the cows come home, but if you don't fancy him, you don't fancy him.

You don't have to settle for this as after 8 years it won't get any better.

You deserve someone you fancy and desire and let him be free to find someone who fancies and desires him.

I would hate to think my husband married me and had to 'work hard to have sex' with me. How awful for you both!

And no counselling sexual or otherwise will help. It's not lack of desire you feel but lack of desire for him.

Some relationships just come to a natural end and maybe this is your natural end.

I never wanted to get married until I met my husband. He made it non scary as I fancied him and we got on well and he treated me nicely too.

It doesn't have to be one or the other

The thing is though people all feel attraction differently. Some people are happy to settle down with somebody who is their best friend. Some people are attracted to personality, some it has to be a mix of both, some unfortunately settle down for looks only and then have zero intimacy just sexual chemistry.

My fiancé is my best friend and we are lovers too. But from what the OP wrote I didn't get the impression she feels zero attraction. I recognise that there is a need for attraction too, of course I do. I left my ex due to zero attraction. However from the OPs posts I get the impression she fears marriage so is viewing the situation from a place of fear which distorts things.

Question for OP, do you and your partner ever feel like you just have to be close physically? Do you sometimes catch yourself admiring him, either finding his personality, physical appearance attractive? Do you feel possessive that he's yours only? These are all chemistry, but you can't really compare the chemistry of a long term relationship to that of the sex you had with that man when you and your partner had a break. New relationships are full of lust and excitement, long term ones tend to burn at a lower level and the chemistry often bubbles upto the surface. Let's face it relationships transition all the time, when my children where babies I loved them adoring eyes and they could do no wrong in my eyes. Now they are older I love them fiercely but they drive me insane at times. I don't love them any less, more in fact. . Just differently. I suspect when they are adults I won't want to kiss them and cuddle them so much, ya don't see parents planting millions of kisses on their 30 year old child's head daily do you lol! My point is love transitions too. In some ways it ebbs yet it always grows.

I take on board everybodies points here, if the OP truly has zero desire for her partner then yes I agree for me it wouldn't be enough. But if she does desire him but concludes out of fear that it's not enough because it's not exciting like that of a previous new relationship then I think she would be silly to end things.

Somebody said earlier that at their work they saw elderly couples still in love, well I doubt very much that elderly couples sex is as full of passion as the day they met!