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Original poster

GP took DCs to visit NC relatives.... fuming!

55 replies

HowYaLikeThemApples · 20/04/2015 10:48

I've posted before about my in-laws favouring my eldest 2 DC's over my youngest two DC's (always taking the eldest two on days out, sleepovers, etc, but never asking the youngest two).

Well finally this weekend they asked if DC3 would also like to go over. I'm not fussed about DC4 as she's still a bit of a handful so best to stay with me.

So DC1 and DC3 are collected while DC2 and DC4 stay at home with me. I thought they were going back to the in-laws house and would play around there for a while, maybe go down to the local play area. All the stuff the usually do with the DCs, therefore I didn't ask what their plans were.

On returning them that evening I asked DS3 if he had had a nice time, and he said he had been down to the park. Lovely, smiles all around. In-laws go off home.

On speaking to DS3 later on it actually transpired the in-laws had taken them to visit a family member who we have been NC with for the past few years. On leaving this house my in-laws told the DCs not to tell anyone they had been there, so they absolutely knew they were in the wrong.
DS3 said he knew this was strange and apologised for lying when he said he had been to the park, but that the grandparents were standing behind him so he had to lie. He was in floods of tears but I reassured him he had done the right thing by telling me the truth.

My DH is definitely going to speak to them about this over the coming week, but I'm just so angry that they took them somewhere they knew they shouldn't have and then ASKED MY CHILDREN NOT TO TELL ME!

I really don't want to fall out with my in-laws but how do we word this conversation? I need to use some diplomacy but I want to make it clear in no uncertain terms what they have done is wrong!

OP posts:

Nolim · 20/04/2015 10:55

I have no advise but i would be fuming like mad.

DonnaMoss · 20/04/2015 11:01

I don't think I'd be able to handle this without falling out with the in laws I'm afraid. I'm nc with my father and if I knew my dd's had been taken to see him I wouldn't be able to hold the rage back.

Original poster

HowYaLikeThemApples · 20/04/2015 11:03

I guess my problems is that we never made an "official announcement" that we were NV, but the in-laws KNOW we never see them, and made it clear years ago we would only visit the in-laws house when the NC relatives were not there. They're always dropping their names into conversation but we just ignore it.

OP posts:

Original poster

HowYaLikeThemApples · 20/04/2015 11:04

Please excuse typos, I'm literally shaking with rage and it's affecting my typing...

OP posts:

mummytime · 20/04/2015 11:07

My absolute line would have been crossed, and they would not be seeing my DC again unsupervised.

The line is this "they told my children not to tell me" - I don't care what but telling my children to keep secrets from me (not surprises - which can at least be shared with their Dad), is an absolute No from me.

This is before considering the fact they took them to see someone they knew you didn't want them to see.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 20/04/2015 11:09

They told your dc to lie to you. That in itself is an issue. Obviously they knew you wouldn't be happy about the visit because they felt they should conceal it. So two issues but I'd approach it from the lying angle as it's the clearer cut issue and has less room for debate.
If they do it again there will be no unsupervised access? Can your dh issue that warning?

pocketsaviour · 20/04/2015 11:10

The fact that they told your Dc to lie is inexcusable to me. How could anyone in conscience do that to a child?!

I would never let them have unsupervised access again. Fuckers.

Meerka · 20/04/2015 11:13

I'd be livid too.

As others have said, bad enough to take the GC to see people that they know you dont want them seeing.

But to put your children in the position where they have to lie? That's an appalling situation for them. Your poor kids.

Have you asked the older children if they have done this before? I think you'd need to find out exactly what has been going on.

I think as well that you and your husband need to decide together exactly how to handle this - what should be said, by whom, and are you willing to let yoru children see them again unsupervised?

Original poster

HowYaLikeThemApples · 20/04/2015 11:16

My gut is to say no more unsupervised access. But DS3 has been waiting for YEARS to be asked over, and it feels like it's being snatched straight back from him. So I don't know whether to get DH to firmly lay down the law so there's no confusion, specifically stating we DO NOT ever want them taken to the NC relatives again. Also if they have them instead of it being all light and breezy, actually asking specifically what they will be doing and where they will be going. I can't think straight. FFS, why did they do it. How DARE they tell mY kids to LIE TO ME!!!!!

OP posts:

Skiptonlass · 20/04/2015 11:16

Asking kids to lie is so, so stressful for them - I know this from bitter first hand experience. I was always told not to impart bits of information to either set of parents and the stress it caused lasted for years. Always on eggshells, convinced a minor slip had caused huge arguments etc, it's corrosive.

I think I'd be telling them that asking your children to lie and cover up is absolutely unacceptable, and no further unsupervised contact because of it.

And reassure your kids (which I'm sure you already have done) to the stars because they will be freaked out about this.

Original poster

HowYaLikeThemApples · 20/04/2015 11:22

My poor DS3, he's only 10 and such a sweetheart. Very sensitive too. I've told him how proud I am that he told me what had happened and that in no way was he in the wrong, it's all down to his GP's. He asked why we were NC and I briefly spoke about it and said I would explain more when he was older as he would be able to understand it better.

I also feel that the GP's, who have taken such a long time to warm to DS3, will now think of that as a kind of black mark against him, which is all kinds of crazy, I know. That shouldn't matter at all.

DS1 only confirmed what had happened when I directly asked him. He looked so awkward and I reassured him he wasn't in any trouble, but that I wished he had told me.

Christ, I'm all over the place. Fucking crying.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 20/04/2015 11:22

specifically stating we DO NOT ever want them taken to the NC relatives again.

I think you need to make this clear as, giving them the benefit of the doubt, your ILs may not have realised you were actually NC but simply disliked them and asked the children to lie because you'd prefer not to hear about them. ie no malice involved

However, asking your children to lie to you is wrong and this needs to be addressed and it made absolutely clear that this is unacceptable.

Meerka · 20/04/2015 11:22

I'm sorry for your 3rd child, but I think that supervised contact is the way to go.

I also think you have to say why. (when you are calm). Something on the lines that gran and grandad told you children to lie and that was wrong. That everyone makes mistakes, but that they can't lie. We've taught you not to lie and we can't have it that you are made to lie to us. it's not your fault, and you did the right thing in telling us - it would have been much worse if we'd found out later, and that would have happened. But until we can be sure that Granny and Granddad won't lie, that the children can't see them alone.

You can't cover up what has happened with the children. What they did was wrong and there's no way around that. it's not helping the children if you don't stand up to this. The main thing is to make sure they understand that it's not their fault they can't see their GP.

it's a real shame for your son but I'm afraid that this has to be stopped now. You can't trust their GP not to put them in an impossible position.

If you let the kids learn that parents can be lied to without consequences ... that's a really bad lesson for the future. Its not the kids' fault. But they are unfortunately the ones who will suffer the consequences.

(again, do you know if they have done this before with your older two?)

Original poster

HowYaLikeThemApples · 20/04/2015 11:25

Meerka, yes, once before apparently with DS1 and DS2.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 20/04/2015 11:25

What I mean is that I would go in hard on the whole lying thing but just make it absolutely clear that you don't want any contact whatsoever between your immediate family and the NC relatives.

Original poster

HowYaLikeThemApples · 20/04/2015 11:25

I guess they thought they'd got away with it last time, so it was okay to do it again.

OP posts:

Original poster

HowYaLikeThemApples · 20/04/2015 11:27

Sorry SoupDragon, I'm also wondering if they're just going to say that they didn't realise we were no contact. But the very fact they asked them to lie to us about the visit makes me think they know damn well we wouldn't be happy about it. And I really don't think it would be to protect our feelings.

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Miggsie · 20/04/2015 11:30

The main issue here is you can't trust these people again - they did something against your wishes and told your kids to lie to you.

This shows they don't respect you and prioritise the feelings of the NC relatives over yours and your children. This makes them "flying monkeys" of the NC.

At least you now know they want to placate the toxic relatives more than you. They have set a clear mark of where their loyalties lie.
Tell them no more unsupervised contact form now on as you can't trust them to keep your children safe from toxic people AND they told your kids to lie to you.

You are right to be mad, I assume you are also very disappointed? I know I would be, sometimes people let you down, but long term it will be a good lesson for your kids that some people don't have your best interests at heart and are selfish.

Original poster

HowYaLikeThemApples · 20/04/2015 11:35

God yest Miggsie, disappointed too. It's an awkward relationship with them, we've never really gelled to be honest and I find visits quite hard work. But visit weekly we do, because I was my kids to have a good relationship with their GPs. Then they do this. Now I just feel like a means to an end for them to see the kids, that they're only nice to me because they have to be.

OP posts:

Original poster

HowYaLikeThemApples · 20/04/2015 11:36

Sorry, still shaking and the spelling is suffering.

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 20/04/2015 11:39

I'm also wondering if they're just going to say that they didn't realise we were no contact. But the very fact they asked them to lie to us about the visit makes me think they know damn well we wouldn't be happy about it.

Oh, I agree completely TBH. However, I would take the opportunity to simply make it abundantly clear what you mean by "no contact" and then give them hell about the lying which any reasonable person can see is totally unacceptable.

However, if it happened again they would not be having unsupervised contact with my children.

Vivacia · 20/04/2015 11:46

The fact that they told your Dc to lie is inexcusable to me. How could anyone in conscience do that to a child?! I would never let them have unsupervised access again. Fuckers.

This sums it up for me. The only contact would be in my presence for a good long while.

And poor DC3, waiting for acceptance . Fuckers.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 20/04/2015 11:52

I'm on the 'no more unsupervised contact' side here, especially as they've done it before.

They know they shouldn't have done it because they asked the children to lie, so any flannelling about them not knowing doesn't fly really.

zipzap · 20/04/2015 11:55

Definitely sounds like they knew they were taking your dc somewhere they shouldn't have done. Do you think that one of the reasons that they invited ds3 to go with them this time was specifically because the relatives you are NC with wanted to see him, having already seen ds1 & ds2? Or do you think it was a genuine invite from them to ds3 and that they will invite him again in the future, and that although they went to see the NC relatives, that was independent from the invite to ds3?

As for them asking your dc to lie - that's an awful thing to do to your gc Well done to your ds3 for telling you as soon as he could - shame that ds1 and ds2 didn't tell you previously.

My dc are younger but I've been trying to instill in them about not lying or having secrets. Best we've come up with is that in general you don't ever tell lies or have secrets from grown ups (especially Mummy and Daddy), especially when other people tell them not to tell other people about things or to have secrets or lie etc. However, there are occasions when it's appropriate to tell a little white lie or to delay telling the truth - for example, if you've gone with Mummy to buy Daddy a birthday present then you don't tell him what he's going to get, or if somebody is having a surprise party or something nice happen that's will be a surprise and all the nicer for being a surprise, then it wouldn't be very nice to spoil that. However - in all these cases, the person will know the truth soon and so it's ok to tell a little white lie in the mean time.

However, if somebody wants them to hide something that they know to be wrong or hurtful etc as in this case, then that's not good and they need to know that we'll never be upset with them for telling us the truth - and would much rather they do so. If they are worried about telling the truth in front of the person that has asked them to lie, then they can say (for example, in this case) 'Granny said that we had to say that we'd only been to the park' and then we will know that they feel in a difficult position - and that we will be able to sort it out for them.

Also - if a friend were to tell them something in confidence - not telling lies or having secrets doesn't mean that they can go blabbing around to others about it - but that they could talk to a trusted grown up if necessary.

Maybe putting a framework into place with your dc would help in case of anything else similar happening?

lem73 · 20/04/2015 11:59

I could never forgive someone for getting my children to lie to me.

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