Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how to respond to this with dignity!

100 replies

matroyshka · 20/04/2015 09:14

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months and he's texted me basically saying he's not sure about us and needs to think about things (very manly of him to do it by text message...). I really like him but he's been a bit off lately so am not totally surprised by him saying this. Not really sure how to respond, I have already told him I like him but don't want end up losing my dignity if he's already decided it's over. On the other hand, I don't want to tell him where to go as I would like to stay friends (ok, what I really want is for him to decide he's totally in love with me!).

I don't want to look like I'm grateful for any crumbs he throws me, so am trying to work out a reply saying I don't want to be with someone who's not sure about me. Would that be the right approach to take? Thanks for any suggestions about how to word it, my head's a bit of a mess this morning.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 20/04/2015 10:19

Actually I am not a fan of Blueberries response. It has no closure and leaves him to "decide" at his leisure and leaves you hanging.
I know there in not much difference but I much prefer one of the variants "OK I understand. I wish you well in the future."

eddielizzard · 20/04/2015 10:22

'yes, fine. thanks for letting me know.'

MarniRose · 20/04/2015 10:30

If this was me I wouldn't respond at all. Not a thing- mainly because I'd have absolutely nothing to say. I wouldn't want to thank him for binning me off and I might not be understanding either so ' I understand' would be out.

I'd just say nothing. He's not asking you a question is he? He's telling you he's changed his mind.

blueberrypie0112 · 20/04/2015 10:39

I wouldn't understand either, but I do understand this is how he feels (or understand what he is trying to say and doesn't want to move forward with this relationship).

BackCrackandNappySack · 20/04/2015 10:40

Actually Marni you might be onto something there. That is a stroke of passive aggressive genius. Grin

He'll be left checking his phone every hour and scratching his head trying to work out why this woman who liked him so much hasn't bothered to even try to change his mind or say 'let's stay friends' or even dignified him with a response. And if he does want to change his mind then that is the perfect way to make him realise it.

OP do what she said. Grin

notquitegrownup2 · 20/04/2015 10:44

It's ironic isn't it that the best way to get them to change their minds is to be independent, and get on with your life. That way he may well stop feeling ambivalent and see what he is throwing away. And if he doesn't, you are already on the road to recovery, living independently, looking good, getting on with life and on the way to finding someone who wants to share the journey with you.

IME if they need to think about things, you can be in for a very long and boring wait, which eats into your confidence, and wastes a lot of time.

pictish · 20/04/2015 10:51

Nah - no response will make him think she's sulking.

"Ok. I'm not into being dithered over so let's leave it now. Laters."

BackCrackandNappySack · 20/04/2015 10:52

But it doesn't matter what he thinks if he doesn't plan to see her again does it?

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 20/04/2015 10:53

I have a friend who I met through mum+baby groups, so I didn't know her pre-kids.

She once told us all about how she and her DH got together - she said she liked him, he said he liked her but wasn't quite ready for a relationship, she gave him space and they remained friends but they did talk about their potential relationship ad nauseum. Eventually she got tired of fucking about and started cutting him off whenever he brought it up. He then decided he did want a relationship and they've been together ever since.

If this guy is faffing about with you then IMO you're better off without him and so should keep your reply neutral; if he's trying to let you down gently then job done if you keep your reply neutral; if he decided he does actually want you after all after a neutral reply (as per above example) then you may be happy about that, as he's actually taken a tangible action and not just procrastinated.

My point is, a neutral reply is best in ALL scenarios!

GuiltyAsAGirlCanBe · 20/04/2015 11:03

No reply. Give him the "space" he so desperately wants.

He will either then feel a bit put out and get in touch, or he will breathes sigh of relief and won't. You still however then have your dignity, and are free to meet someone else who isn't so immature.

Leviticus · 20/04/2015 11:03

Plumping have you seen He's Just Not That Into You? That's the classic line that keeps women hanging on to hope when the man isn't interested - "But I know a girl who it worked out for..."

Not saying you don't of course!

MiniTheMinx · 20/04/2015 11:12

"Damn and there was me booking the registry office"
"yes well one can never be sure"
"Ho hum, not bothered, best of luck"
"You know I was having doubts when I clocked you picking your nose"
"Don't have time to discuss this now, busy"

If he is having to think a few months in, he probably just wants to hedge his bets, and keep you on a string, don't let him.

CheekyBambino · 20/04/2015 11:17

I would go with no reply too. Better than spending time trying to work out the exact phrase. It sounds like he is looking around, but the plus side is that you are free to do that too.

CheekyBambino · 20/04/2015 11:18

Like Minx's first suggestion though! Grin

PlumpingThePartTimeMother · 20/04/2015 11:23

leviticus I haven't, but maybe I should!

I was trying to be kind to the op but maybe I should have made it clear that my own response to her DP's behaviour would have been a cheery 'goodbye'! Grin

BoozeyTuesday · 20/04/2015 11:31

If he's having to think about things a couple of months in, it doesn't bode well. Don't reply, delete his number and move on.

Leviticus · 20/04/2015 11:33

It's a good film!

I know you were being kind.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 20/04/2015 11:40

I woukdn't say " I understand". It almost gives credence to his rude behaviour and sounds far too empathetic and hopeful

I'd say "OK. Can you arrange to post anything of mine you have to my work address and I'll do the same for you. I'll email the address".

Miss out the bit about posting stuff back if he doesn't have anything and just say "OK".

confusedoflondon · 20/04/2015 11:46

They are only a couple of months in people. What stuff of each others would they have? Grin or am I being old fashioned

confusedoflondon · 20/04/2015 11:48

He is entitled to decide op is not 'it' right now. We women really are shit at rejection aren't we (me included!!) Grin

pictish · 20/04/2015 11:51

I can handle rejection (wouldn't be happy but I'd be stoic) but I'd expect any dithering over me he had to do would have been done in his head and on the quiet before reaching a decision and saying it outright.

To be informed that it's probably over but maybe not, would have me showing him the hand.

If he needs to think about it, it's not for me.

Original poster
matroyshka · 20/04/2015 11:54

Thanks so much for your replies, everyone, I'm feeling a bit more dignified already Grin

I should probably have said that what he did was ask if I thought if we have enough in common to make it work long-term. I said yes, and that I like him, but had he already decided? That was when he said he wasn't sure, doesn't want to mess me around but needs to think about it. To which I would like to say 'bugger off then'... but so far have restrained myself.

So, I don't want to say 'I understand' because it sounds like I'm ok with him messing about and thinking about it. So far I've not replied at all...

Plumping - I know you were being kind, so have all the PPs, thank you Flowers

OP posts:
CheekyBambino · 20/04/2015 12:17

In that case I think a dignified silence might be best.

blueberrypie0112 · 20/04/2015 12:28

You can go with "I see"

Or "alright, if that's how you feel... " and up to you how you want to finish the sentence such as "then we should slow down and see other people"

blueberrypie0112 · 20/04/2015 12:32

(Actually not slow down , maybe just say we should see other people)