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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband threatens to leave all the time

52 replies

Kimcam1 · 19/04/2015 22:20

I'm new to the site and would really like some advice! My husband and I have been together for 14 years (married for 4). Whenever we have a row he tells me that he doesn't think he wants to be married to me anymore, he's always done this throughout our relationship. We have a 13 year old son who hears him say these things all the time and he also sees me upset. I beg him not to leave but he just tells me to "f**k off because it's over' this goes on for days and is very stressful for me and my son. He says I'm a bitch, and I agree I can be difficult sometimes but nothing like he says I am! I really don't know what to do about this anymore.

OP posts:
Kundry · 19/04/2015 22:24

He's playing you. He wants you to beg him and then walk on eggshells to make him happy, he's controlling your behaviour.

If you were to say 'you seem so unhappy, you should go as we clearly don't make each other happy' he wouldn't know what to do with himself.

Next time he says he doesn't want to be married to you, don't beg, just say 'if that's how you feel' and get on with what you were doing. I suspect you'll find he hovers about you trying to crank up the drama.

He's a shit and you won't change him. Do you want your son to think this is how you treat girlfriends?

Joysmum · 19/04/2015 22:25

Tell him you don't want to be with anyone who isn't sure they want to be with you and thinks you're a bitch.

Canyouforgiveher · 19/04/2015 22:28

Next time say 'that would be best. I'll leave you alone for a while to pack" and walk off.

in the meantime, ask yourself if you really want to be married to him - what are you getting out of this? You situation does not sound good for your son.

girliefriend · 19/04/2015 22:30

Umm I would be saying great and showing him the door. He is sounds horrible LTB.

HellKitty · 19/04/2015 22:37

Agree with, 'if that's how you feel'.
He's controlling you whether you realise yet or not, wanting the begging and declarations of love. If you said 'fine, I'll help you pack' he'd probably stand there with his mouth gaping like a fish.

LTB, you and DS deserve so much more.

LaurieFairyCake · 19/04/2015 22:39

Don't beg him to stay ever. Just shrug or don't comment or tell him to piss off and pack then.

He's verbally abusing you, why are you putting up with it?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 19/04/2015 22:44

If he really wanted to leave, he would have left by now. He's using it to control you. Next time, agree with him that leaving would be for the best.

cestlavielife · 19/04/2015 22:46

Definitely suggest he just leaves. Then say no more.
Bet he refuses to leave tho...

tribpot · 19/04/2015 22:48

He must get a real kick out of you begging him like that. I dread to think what your son is learning about relationships.

I quite agree with the others - next time he threatens it, you agree and let him walk. He won't, of course, because then he'd lose his emotional punching bag.

Jackw · 19/04/2015 22:49

Yes, you definitely need to change your reaction. What a horrible man. Call his bluff.

MrsSchadenfreude · 19/04/2015 22:52

Tell him to fuck off and go then, and watch his reaction.

scarletforya · 19/04/2015 22:52

Why do you beg him not to leave? You're playing right into his hands. If he wanted to leave, he would have done so already.

However you shouldn't stay with someone who enjoys hurting you.

Viviennemary · 19/04/2015 22:55

Stop begging him not to leave. Just say well if that's what you want to do. And let him get on with it. I bet if you told him to leave he wouldn't.

SabrinnaOfDystopia · 19/04/2015 22:57

This is a situation just begging for you to call his bluff.

So, the next time he does this, silently walk upstairs and start packing his things. Tell him yo agree, and that you really don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be married to you.

Watch him do a u-turn in 60 seconds. You may decide you want him to go anyway - he's obviously a pathetic bully.

Momagain1 · 19/04/2015 22:57

don't just agree or call his bluff on a whim. If he does take it seriously, you dont want to be on the back foot.

Sort out your plans and then call him on it.

pictish · 19/04/2015 22:58

Agree it's a control tactic. He wants to scare you into backing down.
Next time show him the door. He won't know what to do!

Fairenuff · 19/04/2015 23:00

Just ignore him and carry on. The situation will stay the same but you already know that, right? You've been with him 14 years and he's always been like this so he always will. And so will you no doubt.

HowDoesThatWork · 19/04/2015 23:00

Why would you want him to stay?

He is emotionally abusive and it is damaging for you and your son.

DragonsCanHop · 19/04/2015 23:03

Your poor son Sad he is learning about relationships through this shit.

Be brave, pack his bags and get him out, teach your son what women need from men.

He wants you to make the first move so it is not his fault, he can then blame you...

Janethegirl · 19/04/2015 23:04

Next time he tries that trick, point to the door and tell him to pack his bag and go.
He will not leave ( unless you are lucky). I detest controlling men.

DarkNavyBlue · 19/04/2015 23:06

Why do you beg him to stay, when it must be clear by now that he isn't going to leave?

springydaffs · 19/04/2015 23:07

VILE man!

Do something about this! He is abusing you and you MUST stop letting him do it. If you can't do it for yourself then, please, do it for your boy - because this is doing incalculable damage to him
Tell bully boy to fuck off, basically, so you and your boy can live in peace without being held by the throat when it suits the bully in your lives.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 19/04/2015 23:12

Hi OP: you should not only let him go, you should take active steps to remove him.

He is damaging your child. He is damaging your child. He is damaging your child.

Now to business: use Voice Recorder on your phone. Even in a pocket, it will pick up normal conversation at up to 10 metres. A week of his arseholery will give you grounds for divorce. Locate financial papers or photograph them. Get the passports, health records, NI numbers. Pack a go bag and preferably leave it with a trusted third party. IT security: a shared computer will need webmail, history scrubbing, possibly a virtual machine on a stick. Check it for keyloggers. Phone will need to lock by default. Back up SMS to the cloud, also mail and documents copies. Dropbox is good.

Courage, strength and Flowers

Momagain1 · 19/04/2015 23:19

I agree. Get your records in order and plans in place, then let it happen.

Momagain1 · 19/04/2015 23:22

Also, though the recording may be useful if you ever want to prove abuse for other reasons, you dont need it to prove grounds for divorce. If you dont want to be married anymore, you can get a divorce for that reason alone. You dont have to justify it.