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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband threatens to leave all the time

52 replies

Kimcam1 · 19/04/2015 22:20

I'm new to the site and would really like some advice! My husband and I have been together for 14 years (married for 4). Whenever we have a row he tells me that he doesn't think he wants to be married to me anymore, he's always done this throughout our relationship. We have a 13 year old son who hears him say these things all the time and he also sees me upset. I beg him not to leave but he just tells me to "f**k off because it's over' this goes on for days and is very stressful for me and my son. He says I'm a bitch, and I agree I can be difficult sometimes but nothing like he says I am! I really don't know what to do about this anymore.

OP posts:

TheSilveryPussycat · 19/04/2015 23:22

You don't need to do the voice recorder bit. 5 pieces of arsery that have taken place fairly recently, set down in writing and issued in a divorce petition will do.

But that may be thinking too far ahead. It takes awhile to become fully awake when in the spaghetti-headed mode induced by emotional abuse.

cozietoesie · 19/04/2015 23:28

This is not a nice man.

He seems to have little regard for you and your son and I reckon that staying with him much longer would damage you both even more. (It sounds as if he's almost enjoying regularly hurting you and then being 'won round' by your pleas and walking on eggshells.)

I'd get your affairs in order and then ask him to go. (Or if he says he's going to leave, agree calmly and show him the door.)

Can you do that?

ShonaOCasey · 19/04/2015 23:49

Does he hoover you back up again afterwards? Sounds like he has borderline PD to me, he should get some therapy

Rummikub · 19/04/2015 23:53

I was in this situation. It's soul destroying. Eventually I asked him to stop threatening me with it. He agreed and left, but only to then ask us to try again.
You need to take back some control. What do you want? Think about this then react accordingly.
Btw we're now getting divorced. Life is too short for this nonsense.

AnyFucker · 20/04/2015 01:28

find some self respect and stop begging him to stay

both of you are giving your son a very damaging example of what a relationship can be

if your H cannot stop this immature behaviour then you need to be the grown up and put an end to it once and for all

TendonQueen · 20/04/2015 01:31

Another one saying call his bluff. Doesn't sound like much of a threat to me if he's still there after 14 years. He does this because he knows it puts you back in your place. Don't let him.

ilovelamp82 · 20/04/2015 07:51

Another one saying this is emotional abuse from a horrible controlling man. I would get out of the relationship as soon as possible. Your son is nearing the age of getting girlfriends and this is his model relationship.

You both deserve better.

FenellaFellorick · 20/04/2015 07:57

He threatens to leave and you beg him to stay. He then punishes you for days, while you're on your knees begging for forgiveness. I bet you try then to be soooo good, don't you? Don't do anything he doesn't like?

It's working well for him, isn't it?

Perhaps it is time you responded differently and said well, if that's what you want to do, that's up to you.

Or perhaps even tell him that you think he's right, it probably is time to leave.

You deserve better than to be subjected to this. This is designed to control you. That's not a sign of a loving, equal relationship. Also, do you really want your son to grow up thinking this is how you deserve to be treated? That this is how women deserve to be treated? Do you want him doing it to his partner?

Penfold007 · 20/04/2015 08:04

OP what do you want? I'd be inclined to pull together a file of all essential paperwork and put away safely. Then next time he threatens to leave say 'bye, close the door behind you'
You and your son deserve better.

fieldfare · 20/04/2015 08:05

Get your accounts and paperwork in order. Have a separate account that is nothing to do with him and begin squirrelling money away in it, as much as possible. Have a plan.
Then the next time he's being controlling and emotionally abusive, call him on it. Agree with him that him leaving would indeed be for the best. Give him time to pack and tell him to be gone by the end of the day. Then go out and have a lovely time with your son.
This is not a good role model for the relationships your son will have in the future. This is not what a marriage should be about.

Jux · 20/04/2015 08:21

You've been together for 14 years. Was he always like this, or is it more recent?

Your son is 13 years old. He needs to see the consequences of this sort of behaviour or else what he is learning is that as soon as his partner displeases him he merely needs to threaten to leave. It's too late for your h, but think of your son and show him that men who treat women like that lose in the end.

FantasticButtocks · 20/04/2015 08:34

Next time he threatens to leave I'd say to him 'this is getting very old, why don't you ever have the balls to carry out your threat? In fact, I'll help you pack. I'm not going to be subjected to your emotional terrorism any more.' Nasty bully.

Jux · 20/04/2015 08:42

Sorry, just reread your op, and my question was answered in it - he's always been like this.

It is not too late to show your son that this abusive behaviour doesn't pay.

Anniegetyourgun · 20/04/2015 08:47

This was one of XH's many jolly stunts. He actually had a passport for the country he was born in so whenever we rowed or he was in any other way dissatisfied he was going to go back there (interspersed with wanting us all to move to a European country he believed some of his ancestors may have come from). I started off with the pleading, via reasoning, through a few years of "please yourself," eventually offering to buy him the ticket! He's still around here somewhere, the pest, but fortunately not in my household.

Skiptonlass · 20/04/2015 09:16

I can only second the other posters.

Get all your documents and financials in order.

Then next time,nay, "ok, you're right. I'll help you pack."

Imagine what your son is learning from this.

pocketsaviour · 20/04/2015 11:36

This sounds a horrible thing for your son to witness. It must make him feel very insecure.

What do you row about? Does he manufacture these rows so he can "put you in your place" do you think?

Would he ever consider counselling?

Vivacia · 20/04/2015 11:40

Kimcam are you still there?

KellyElly · 20/04/2015 14:37

I used to have one of those. I divorced him! I was much happier when I did.

upaladderagain · 20/04/2015 14:39

He sounds like an immature, controlling PITA. Agreeing with the others on here: it's not an acceptable way to behave, so get a nice big suitcase out and point him in its direction next time.

cuddybridge · 20/04/2015 17:24

I am doing this now, my DH seems to be astonished that he needs to take all his stuff if he's leaving me, and is having serious second thoughts. I told him no way, thanks for all the 26 years of practice at having you leave me, off you go.

he's not a happy bunny right now with nowhere to live

Its very empowering and I can really recommend it

Ps don't wait 26 years

pictish · 20/04/2015 17:27

Good for you Cuddy!

SanctimoniousItches · 20/04/2015 17:28

That sounds torture. He has set things up nicely so that you always try to please him . he takes it as read that your biggest fear is losing him and he capitalises upon that to make sure he gets his way all the time.

How awful for you. And how awful to think that your son is witnessing that and thinking 'this is how you get your way in a marriage'. Dreadful.

Show your son two things, one, that his own mother does have a line. It's been crossed. Her worst fear is not losing her husband, but living with a manipulator. And show your son that it's not acceptable to treat a woman like that and that if you do treat a woman like that then she has every right to say 'good bye'.

Justusemyname · 20/04/2015 17:30

You are married to an abusive, controlling, weak manipulator. Please show him where the bags are to put his shit in them.

Chesntoots · 20/04/2015 18:51

My dad used to do this regularly. Usually over something so petty as my mum, brother and I wanting to watch a programme that he didn't. It really used to upset me but after a while I had no respect for him. He is still a narcissistic, selfish man and now in his 80's is just cottoning on to the fact that unless he pulls his finger out, he is going to be lonely. My mum left with me as soon as she had enough money together.

This is very abusive behaviour, not just towards you, but also your child. Please find the strength to call his bluff. As soon as my mum did that, my dads fuckwittery (at least in this regard) stopped.

AnyFucker · 20/04/2015 19:07

op, you still there or what ?

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