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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

partner is out of control

60 replies

Cococrazy · 19/04/2015 16:25

Been with partner 10 years, we have 2 kids under 4 and he is angry all the time. Gives big speeches that he is going to change but then resorts back to being a complete idiot. He started doing cocaine every other week and last night I asked him not to as his mother was coming for lunch. She is old and doesn't get much company so visits are big for her. Because he had done it anyway and didn't go to sleep until 3am I had to cancel her.
He is short tempered all the time and snappy. He twists his behaviour to try and make me look like the bad person and I'm just tired of it. If I complain abut his behaviour he goes mental again. He is obviously depressed because this anger started when his father died and his relationship with his sisters went down hill. He is also really stressed with work. Should I stick by him and try and help or say enough is enough. No we aren't married... Took him 9 years to propose after me nagging him to death about it

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 19/04/2015 16:33

Ah, cocaine - the drug of choice for anyone who wants to make themselves into even more of a raving tosspot than they already are.

Have you discussed separation with him before? Is that where these big "I'll change" speeches come from?

tribpot · 19/04/2015 16:38

Should you make your kids live with a cocaine user who is angry all the time?

Cococrazy · 19/04/2015 16:39

Yes I've told him I've had enough and given him a kick up the arse. I thought that would work but it's the weekend again and we are back to Mr Arsehole.
Shouted at me because I wanted him to put together his sons first bike.. When I nicely said I can always get Toys R Us to do it, he went mental saying I was pressurising him and was shouting like crazy. He is still down stairs trying to fix it. I've brought kids upstairs to keep them away from his swearing and flinging of tools in a tantrum.
I'm really starting to detest him. He asked me if I was in love with him the other day and I couldn't answer. I don't know if I am or not. I just don't like this person he is right now

OP posts:
base9 · 19/04/2015 16:41

Obviously you should leave him. He is terrible for you and even worse for your dc. Do you have any intention of leaving him?

pocketsaviour · 19/04/2015 16:42

I've brought kids upstairs to keep them away from his swearing and flinging of tools in a tantrum.

This can't continue. Please do a search on "adult children of addicts" - these are the behaviours you can expect your children to end up with, if you don't leave.

As hard as it is to accept, he loves cocaine more than he loves you or the kids.

His addiction isn't your fault.
You didn't cause it
You can't cure it
You can't control it.

He will continue to use, probably at higher levels, and become even more erratic and unpleasant.

You have given him umpteen chances to change. He has chosen to continue being the way he is.

Practically speaking, how are you fixed for leaving? Do you rent, own, is the place in both your names? Do you both work?

AlternativeTentacles · 19/04/2015 16:43

Sounds like a right cunt. Still, takes all sorts I suppose.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/04/2015 16:44

A proverbial kick up the backside is simply not enough in terms of action. He needs to be gone from your day to day lives; you simply cannot be together any more.

What are your children learning about relationships here from the two of you?.

You cannot help anyone like this and it is a waste of time to try. Enough is enough.

GoatsDoRoam · 19/04/2015 16:44

Even if he is depressed, even if this is salvageable, it is going to have to come from him, not from you: you cannot fix another person.

Right now, he is choosing cocaine over you, his mother, and his children - your right to live in an atmosphere of caring and mutual respect.

Do you want to choose him over you and your children's right to live in an atmosphere of caring and mutual respect?

(You can respect someone and still leave them, btw. His behaviour is harmful, and he is unwilling to change it. You and the children should not have to live with this.)

base9 · 19/04/2015 16:45

You cannot fix him or help him or make him be a nice person. It is not within your power to improve him, at all, in any way.

AnyFucker · 19/04/2015 16:46

This bloke is damaging you and damaging his children

it would be better for them if he leaves and carries on like a drug addled fuckwit somewhere else

the moods and come down will get worse and your kids are in the firing line

would you willingly have chosen a man that acts like this as their father ?

If not, get him away from them

Cococrazy · 19/04/2015 16:48

I've been with him for 10 years. The only time we have both done cocaine is a couple of years into our relationship.. Did it once and never again until this Christmas. We both did a bit at new year when we didn't have the kids and that was supposed to be it. But it hasn't, every other weekend. This weekend he has done it friday and saturday. He is obviously using it as some kind of escapism but it's making him impossible to live with.

OP posts:
Fontella · 19/04/2015 16:48

You are obliged to take your children upstairs, while your cocaine snorting, foul mouthed, bad tempered partner, rants and throws tools around assembling his little son's bike?!

Does that sound normal to you? Does that sound like a normal loving family set up?

If you don't have the sense to get shot of this arsehole, then do it for your kids. They deserve so much better than this.

Cococrazy · 19/04/2015 16:49

Yes you are right. This weekend especially he chose that crap over us and that alone disgusts me

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BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 19/04/2015 16:51

"Should you make your kids live with a cocaine user who is angry all the time?"

You've two children under four and he's spending what should be family money on a drug that turns perfectly decent people into totally repellent arseholes in a trice. Why would you consider continuing to expose your little children to such awfulness?

SolidGoldBrass · 19/04/2015 16:57

OK, tomorrow is the day to do your fact checking and preparations - depending on whether your house is rented or bought, and whose name is on the paperwork, etc, you can decide whether to take DC and move out, or throw him out. You don't need his permission or co-operation to separate from him. If it turns out that the most practical option is for him to move out, it doesn't matter if he doesn't want to go: he can be forced to go, and to stay away. As he is a coke-head it will be reasonably easy to get the support of police, courts, SS etc to keep him away from you unless/until he gets control over his addiction and you are under no obligation at all to 'support' him if he does go through rehab of any kind. Your priority is the wellbeing of the children and yourself.
GOod luck.

Cococrazy · 19/04/2015 17:00

Our house is bought but under his name. However I have been about £20,000 into work on the house which you can see from my bank statements. Does this mean when he sells the house I get some of it?

OP posts:
SparePart2015 · 19/04/2015 17:00

Ok, this may sound a bit harsh but you have a duty to protect your children from this. I grew up with an alcoholic, addiction is scary for children. It will scar them.

I know it will hurt to do it but please tell him to leave and if he refuses, the next time he goes out, change the locks.

I genuinely hope that soon, you and your children will be living a happier life.

BabyGanoush · 19/04/2015 17:00

sounds horrible.

As an aside, YOU cancelling the mum after HIS late night is actually not the best thing for anyone, if you think about it. Much better to let her come and for him to just deal with it (wake him up, tough about him going to bed at 3am, that was HIS choice, HIS consequences).

By doing this small thing, you are almost managing his drug use for him (and the consequences), do you see that?

Long speeches are the trademark of someone who does not really want to change deep down.

Words are cheap. Ask him to stop talking, and start acting in a different way.

It's what you do, not what you say that matters.

WyldChyld · 19/04/2015 17:08

Coco - it sounds like you would have an interest in the house but may be worth asking a solicitor to have a quick shufty.

I'd suggest the best thing you could do is pack a bag for him and tell him to go. Sorry - what has been said up thread about not causing it but also not being able to control, change or cure it is very very true

AnyFucker · 19/04/2015 17:11

oh, and stop doing coke with this idiot as of today

pocketsaviour · 19/04/2015 17:13

Speak to a solicitor regarding financials. As you're not married you don't have a lot of legal protection, although the flipside of that is that you won't have the expense of getting divorced. Speak to CAB as well to work out what you can claim, e.g. housing benefit, working tax credit, childcare vouchers, etc.

Girlwhowearsglasses · 19/04/2015 17:35

No it doesn't mean you get some of it - not without a fight; but fight you must.

Fontella · 19/04/2015 17:38

Our house is bought but under his name. However I have been about £20,000 into work on the house which you can see from my bank statements. Does this mean when he sells the house I get some of it?

Short answer is yes, most likely but you need to check and pronto.

I was in exactly the same boat as you - not married and house in ex's name. 10 year relationship also.

Because you are unmarried, you don't have much in the way of legal rights (as I know to my cost) but if you can prove that you have directly contributed to the increase in value of a property during the relationship, financially or through work, or other means - then yes, you have a case in terms of getting a share of that increased equity, especially if you have proof of payments and a clear paper trail.

I had sold my (single) home and the proceeds had gone into doing up his house (what became the family home) and investing in our joint business. I was advised I had a good case, but decided not to fight in the end because 1. it would have kept me in long protracted 'contact' (albeit not necessary face to face) with the bastard (who I knew would make it as difficult as possible) and 2. it had taken me that long to get away from him, I decided that my freedom was worth more than the few thousand quid I might get from any 'settlement' particularly after legal fees were paid etc. So I cut my losses.

Doesn't mean that you should though. Get legal advice as soon as you can.

Girlwhowearsglasses · 19/04/2015 17:39

OP was he angry before this?
Are we really talking a few months of every few weeks or is it something longer than this?

If it's recent and fuelled by a reason you need to find a way to be really clear that it can't continue in a time when he's calm and without the kids

Cococrazy · 19/04/2015 18:09

That's great legal advice. Thanks. Spoken to mum about how I feel and she says I must not leave the property because it won't look favourable on me.
When I've told him how horrible he has been today he looks at me totally purplexed as if I'm making it up.

OP posts: